LIVING HOLY.
Why?
Toward what end?
By what motivation?
For what purpose?
My boys are still at that age where they eagerly “pick flowers for mommy” whenever they come across a patch of dandelions. Like many men stuck in the practicality of things, to my husband, they are clearly weeds. =) But to countless mommies across the nation, those dandelions are precious gifts of love. Demonstrations of innocent, simple adoration.
My daughter has outgrown the dandelion-giving stage. <sniffle> But now she writes me poems, calls me at work, offers massages, and hugs me tight. All three of our children will often to put together “concerts” and skits for us. They’ll design and practice a little presentation and then they’ll announce, “Dad and Mom!!! It’s time for a concert!” Our daughter holds her hairbrush microphone while our youngest son beats on the ottoman with his tinker-toy crafted drumsticks and our other son rocks his heart out on their toy guitar. The home-spun lyrics flowing from our daughter’s mouth will vary from, “We have the best parents in the world” (no lie!) to “I had a fun day today. What about you?” Yes, those are our creative, fun loving kids!
Why do they behave this way? Why the dandelions? Why the massages? Why the hugs? Why the poems and concerts? To guarantee a warm place to sleep tonight? To make sure they’ll be provided a nice dinner tomorrow? To avoid Mom and Dad’s wrath? To make us like them better? NO WAY.
The answer: It’s love.
Our children love us enough that they jump at opportunities to please us. Oh yes, they bicker! They disobey. And they act like immature little children. And so I ask… Will their immaturity result in “No dinner for you!”? Will their disobedience be cause for sleeping out in the cold? Will their sibling rivalry result in being put up for adoption? NO WAY. And they know this. They are comfortable in the security that they feel in our home. They know that we will always be their safe place and that they don’t have to earn rank in our hearts by their performance. Their motivation for pleasing us is in their love for us. When my son holds that dandelion in his chubby little hand, yeah… it’s just a weed. But it’s all he’s got. And to him, it’s a demonstration of his adoration for me.
So let’s translate this parent/child love-relationship over to the love-relationship that our Father God wants to share with us.
LIVING HOLY.
Why?
Toward what end?
By what motivation?
For what purpose?
For the love of Christ compels us, because we judge thus: that if One died for all, then all died; and He died for all, that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again. (2 Corinthians 5:14,15)
We were taught under the Institute in Basic Life Principle’s teachings to uphold a higher standard in order to please God. And we please Him in order to appease Him. And we appease Him in order to ensure that things will turn out right. For me, living holy was once a means for manipulating something to success (friendships, church, activities, random decisions, marriage raising children, and so forth). But once I began to figure out the truth about grace, it occurred to me that I was looking at this holy living thing all upside down! It is BECAUSE OF grace that I have the desire and power to do His will. And it is BECAUSE OF my love for my Heavenly Father that I am compelled… I am DRIVEN to live for Him. As I have mentioned before, Bill Gothard trades the result for the cause in his re-defining of grace and his twisted promotion of high standards.
I’ve read a few comments around this site from people who are still enamored with ATI who will throw around statements like, “You just don’t like rules,” or “You must be rebellious,” or “You’re just looking for a license to sin.” And to you I will respectfully respond with this: “You’re hearing me all wrong.” No longer is it about holding to a man-made set of old-fashioned principles so that I can feel like I am measuring up to God to accomplish thus-or-such. I am so over that Tower of Babel philosophy. Because really… all I’ve got is filthy rags (Isaiah 64:6). My dandelions are weeds. I’ll never measure up. I’ll never be holy enough.
But I will.
Yes, I will.
I will continue to gather the dandelions. And I will write my awkward poems. And I will continue to present my off-key concerts of praise. And I will offer my hugs to my Father in the form of service. Why? To earn His favor? To ensure my success? To make sure He doesn’t let go of me out of displeasure? NO WAY.
The answer: It’s love.
ONE DAY God knew I’d never measure up. He knew I’d have no flowers to offer. Just weeds.
SO ON ANOTHER DAY, He sent His Son to walk up the hill of Calvary so that my sin-debt could be paid by His death on the cross. Jesus. He did that. For me.
AND THEN ON ANOTHER DAY, I made a conscious choice to accept this gift called Salvation.
AND SO TODAY I want to know Him more. I want to love Him more. I want to please Him more. I want to live for Him more. He’s not the fella that “saved me” from hell. He’s the Lord of my life who rescued me from myself!
LIVING HOLY.
Why?
Toward what end?
By what motivation?
For what purpose?
The answer: It’s love.
Wow, beautifully written! Thanks so much for sharing!
I am a parent that had two boys in ATI. I have been reading these stories and feel so much guilt. I thought I was doing something good for my children by having them go through this program. There were cautions in my mind,everything that I have read in these stories were things I heard of or saw,but disregarded as something wrong with my thinking,I was being too critical. Now I am realizing how badly I was deceived and turned from Gods grace to works. I am so thankful for all of your stories and that you have overcome these false teachings by his GRACE!
Sandy, I don't know how long your boys were in ATI or how much they absorbed -- but GO, tell them! Just that right there will help them so much with their healing.
Sandy, I hope your boys understand how much you love them and that you meant well. ATI certainly was not the easy way out; you took that road hoping it would pay off. Yes, we've all (you and other parents included) been burned but thankfully God's exchange program offers beauty for ashes. Bless you, friend!
Sandy, I am sorry that you feel so much sorrow. I know there are many parents feeling the same pain.
I was a student, so although I was not an ATI parent, I wrote articles, taught workshops, and counseled other students and parents in the ways of IBLP. And for that I have had to deal with an ugly amount of guilt. I've had plenty of forgiveness to go back and ask for. But the neat thing is that, through my repentance, God has opened all kinds of doors to minister healing to others. Like Lora already has stated, "GO talk to your sons!" God is at work. I guarantee it.
For encouragement and companionship of others in your boat, you might want to check out Recovering Grace's private parent page for former ATI-ers: https://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/182080015188401/
((((HUGS)))
Sandy, don't wait for them to talk to you about it, and don't take for granted that they weren't affected. Go talk to them! A parent's heartfelt apology is worth everything.You may not even know if they're struggling with something from that part of your past, but you can release them to talk about it and seek healing and offer forgiveness if you aren't afraid of talking about it. How many of us here wish our parents would do just that. Openess and honesty from parents is a treasure.
I understand all too well the guilt that a parent experiences when they first realize the error of what they have been teaching to their kids. It's heartbreaking, embarassing, humiliating and depressing. And it takes a lot of time to work through these feelings. I would have to agree with the others here. Tell your kids how wrong you were. I don't know how old they are or even how long you were in the program, but I do know that God is in the business of healing and restoring relationships. Lifting up prayers to you and your family. Check out ATI parent recovery group on facebook.
I believe most of our parents, mine included, had the best of intentions. But unfortunately, good intentions do not protect from all ills. Just the fact that you realize and acknowledge it is a huge step! Maybe your sons avoided some of the pain we have experienced, maybe not. In any case, it's never too late to say, "I'm sorry; I just didn't know." Many of us are still waiting to hear those healing words.
Thank you Donna! This resonated in my heart today and was exactly what I needed to hear/read. Appeasing God is a daily thought that I have to battle against. I'm going to go gather some dandelions today "just because".
Loved this- brought tears to my eyes. I think this helps me feel reinforced about my parenting after throwing out my ati background- I want my kids to know that love!
"It is BECAUSE OF grace that I have the desire and power to do His will." Not the other way around. Grace makes my pitiful dandelion-weed offering feel like roses.
This is just what I needed today. Thank you.
Beautiful! Thank you for sharing your heart in this article. It truly is what I needed to read this morning!
Donna, thank you. I needed this reminder today that it really isn't about performing the "right" thing for God. It's still so easy for me to go back to expecting that God is more pleased with me when I do the "right" things. One of the things shared in my recovery meeting this week through the devotional was that God loves me just the same, when I've slipped in my sobriety - and God loves me just the same when I'm walking in sobriety. And now this article today - somehow I think my Daddy God is looking to get ahold of my heart again that this Truth would sink a little further into the cracks of my thirsty soul.
Donna, wow, this is so great. Love it!
It reminds me of a phrase someone used about "a royal waste of time", punning on the idea of "wasting" time with God. That when you love someone you "waste" time with them. Of course, time spent with people we love is not done for gain, nor is it a waste at all. We spend the time for the same reason you so beautifully point out here: love!
Isn't that what heaven will be? A huge "Royal Waste" of time just loving God?
Why is it that the image of God as AT LEAST as good of a Father as any devoted human father bothers some people?
One of my first Sundays in the church I'm currently ministering in, I mentioned that our walk with God is rooted in grace, that He by his grace made us His children, and much like an earthly father, even if we walk away from Him that doesn't and can't change the fact of our sonship and daughterhood.
Two days later at the brothers/preachers/leaders meeting I was berated for preaching my heretical viewpoint of eternal security not based on works, and asked to repent before God. Give you any idea how holy living is taught and 'maintained' here? =)
Resting in the idea of a loving Father must just go against the grain of human self-sufficiency. Although how many of us needed just such a father, or appreciated one who tried his best...?
Hmmmm.
Wow, Will... That's some scary doctrine. Once again, puts me in mind of the building of the Tower Of Babel.
Yes, I think that being human makes it difficult to accept God and the idea of simple lordship but with no strings and no need to work for His approval.
Even though ATIA perverted my understanding of the Daddy-ship of God, my earthly father was (and is) the type of guy who I never felt like I had to earn his love. I have never wondered if he loved me -even when I disappointed him. I never wondered if I was good enough for him. Though it's a process that will probably continue for the rest of my life, that early father-role laid good groundwork, I believe, for me to learn the heart of my Father God.
Lucky you. Whenever my dad got mad at me, my immediate instinct was to run away. Literally to run away from home, and try to make it on my own. (I never acted on it), but whenever he yelled at me, I shriveled up inside, and believed that he didn't love me, and that I wasn't worth loving. I thought if I ran away, I probably wouldn't be missed, unless it was to get in serious trouble for running. There are other girls I know whom I could tell by their expressions and behavior, they had a similar experience.
Fear and guilt are effective motivators for the short term. You can see quick results. But they don't work well for cultivating relationships and propagating relationships down the line to the following generations. The result I have seen from that usually ends up being a dwindling group of people who have a dwindling impact while they sit around and complain about "kids these days".
That's not a charitable way to say it, I admit. They see themselves as the final remaining faithful few and they truly wish to pass it on. They mean well and they have literally put their money where their mouth is. But they shot themselves in the foot by choosing fear and guilt instead of the long-term investment that is grace. That's how I see it.
Did you stay there? Do they still teach that?
Wow!!! Also teared up!! Loved this so much!!! When I talk about this site to others I say, "Yes, God gives us the power and the desire to do His will but to say that that is what "grace" is messes with our heads when we think about salvation, even if we think we know what salvation is!!!"
This is a much better way to say it!!!
Thanks so much!!!
Btw, my kids bring me dandelions too!!! and sometimes they pick from my own rose bushes... I totally love it!!!!
I like to say that when God gives us the power and ability to do his will it is an act of Grace, but not every act of grace is God giving us the power and ability to do His will.
Thanks Donna. Beautifully written and such a great analogy of God's love for us.
... It is BECAUSE OF grace that I have the desire and power to do His will...
Sounds a lot like the IBLP def of Grace.
The IBLP definition of grace is "the power and desire to do God's will". I cannot swallow this defition. Grace is unmerited favor. This unmerited favor given to me by God at the time of my repentance and acknowledgement of Him is what drives me to please Him. IBLP twists it all up. I'm trying to untwist it here.
This is so sweet...It almost made me cry. It makes me love my God and Savior all the more. <3 I absolutely love your website here. Through all the depressing stuff and sorrow surrounding the Great Gothard Way, the articles here are ultimately very beautiful and encouraging. God bless you guys.
This brought tears to my eyes. After an entire lifetime of trying to perform for God, I'm learning to rest in His love for me and to just love Him back.
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I loved this article. Very encouraging. I am glad for the work of grace God has done in your life, and in your childrens. The fact that they feel secure in your love is wonderful.