This is Part 2 of a two-part story. Click here to read part 1 of “Failed Protectors.”
Along with the shaming punishments, my parents bolstered their position on constant and continual confessions for anything and everything so that they could then bestow the power of “spoken blessings” upon us. They were increasingly obsessed with anything and everything of a sexual nature. And by this, I mean confessing to something as small as noticing that, yes, the girl across the hall in church had a pretty face, would bring long, serious, invasive and strange questions and then further punishments. Or having to trudge up the stairs to admit to a nocturnal emission and then burst into tears for being so carnal or evil and having no way to control it. And our college-educated parents would condemn us for being so weak and open to defeat in our sleep and claim that even before our father was saved, he had never masturbated or had a wet dream in all his life. The odd dissonance in all of this was that the invasive and boundary-less conversations around the table now turned to sexual things, and my parents were adamant in sharing way too much. When we would beg them to stop, they’d say we had started it, or asked for it, or that they were only making sure we weren’t completely naïve like other ATI (Advanced Training Institute) kids.
My father began to accuse my friends of being too close to their sisters and brothers, and make comments about them acting incestuous. The term was a new and terrifying one to me, and I began to avoid those who were simply affectionate in normal ways with one another, while withdrawing more and more from my own sisters and paying them less attention. When I worked up the nerve to comment that I thought my friends’ actions were no different than how my dad acted towards one of my sisters in particular, he exploded and whipped me for my disgusting disrespect. During this time, I began to pick up on similar stories and rumors surrounding other families at various ATI gatherings and conferences, but kept my mouth shut rather than tell my dad, who would likely accuse me of trying to ruin ATI.
My time came to leave for ALERT when I was seventeen. The night before I left for Basic Training, my siblings came into my room and wept, and sobbed, and carried on. My sister innocently snuggled up and kissed me, which caused me to explode and speak some evil and horrible things to her. I kicked her out of the room while letting the others stay. Morning came, and I refused a hug from her, mumbling something to my dad when he left me at the airport that my sister had issues, and then I left.
In my first call home, my brother quickly took the call and went outside, trying to ask me if I hated our sister, as she was always in trouble and our parents were going to send her away to a place for girls “like her.” My parents came after him, hollering for the phone. Two weeks later, my brother was sent off for the first of many extended stays at the ITC (Indianapolis Training Center).
ALERT Basic will leave you with some funny triggers, like rapid reaction to any sirens that sound nearby. It also leaves you with some unpleasant reactions at times. Mine was hollering. I couldn’t handle hollering in the home environment once I returned from Basic. I watched my mom take out a wooden spoon and began to slap it across my baby sister’s hand over and over and over as she cried. She was supposed to stop crying for the smacks to stop, but she was only four, and in no way capable of stopping. I pulled my mom off her, wrenched the spoon away, and broke it in half. Then I sorted through all the kitchen drawers and cabinets, breaking each and every wooden spoon I found. My defiance was unacceptable, so ALERT was called, and Gothard himself was called. I tried to explain what was happening in our home, but instead got the pre-packaged defiance, rebellion, and authority talks from him. My brother came home from the ITC so broken, he refused to talk to anyone about anything that had happened there and retreated further into himself. I got sent back to ALERT so that my “rebellious spirit” could be dealt with again.
Once ALERT was completed, I came home and announced that I was done: done with ATI, IBLP, ALERT, the Institute lifestyle, etc. I enrolled in a secular college against my parents’ wishes and began studying the Bible in earnest (a habit I’d picked up at ALERT of all places), while still refusing to go with my family to their ATI church. I attended a collegiate seminar for Christian apologetics to better shore up my “biblical knowledge” during that time. The foolish kid that I was, I was still thinking I had all the answers to life’s questions wrapped neatly in some seven steps or forty-nine points. God used that apologetics seminar to break me from the mold, placing me with Christians from all walks of life and in all manner of appearance. One young woman in my group shared her story at the end of the week about growing up in a cult where anything and everything was deemed “seductive” and “defrauding” on the part of the women. I remember wincing. She shared of abuse that she had normalized and how she had lost her understanding of normal and proper affection when she sought to give it to other people.
I left feeling horrified of myself. Had I missed things in the home? Had I been so wrapped up in me? Was there more going on, and had I looked at my sister as failing or “having issues” rather than loving her? I remembered things that my brother had tried to tell me once–that the forced exhibitionism was also happening with our sister, as well as some inappropriate contact with our father. I came home, purposing to win my relationship with her back. That was all well and good, but I stopped there. I was fearful to dig deeper. Fearful of being accused of trying to destroy ATI, or my family, or my parents’ marriage. Fearful of my siblings being taken away from me.
My brother ran away, so I went out and found him and brought him back. I’d come home from college to help my sisters with the cooking and the homeschooling of the younger ones. My sister was always exhausted, pretty much running the home all alone now that I was in school, and not allowed to have any friends of her own. I guess I thought she looked happy enough though, and I forgot my former fears. There hadn’t been any other episodes lately that I knew of and I felt so proud of myself for ‘forgiving’ her.
I was gone for a summer, and then came back home to near total and complete turmoil. My family had moved to an even more legalistic ATI church, where my sister had somehow struck up a relationship with a young man my folks were thrilled about, but that my brother hated. Providentially, my brother had came across some correspondence where he learned of deviant behavior being urged on and demanded of my sister by the boy. After confronting the boy, my brother brought the wrath of the boy’s father on himself. He came to me in tears, begging me for help because our father wouldn’t listen, but instead accused him of trying to destroy a godly man because my brother didn’t like ATI. I attended church the next weekend, and watched the father stare at and glare down my brother. So I made my way towards him. He made it known to me (while planting his finger repeatedly in my chest) that my sister was now going to ‘belong’ to their family, in some twisted definition of courtship, and I was to stay out of the way. I grabbed him and held him to the wall, threatening things I know I never should have. My father and the ATI menfolk instantly jumped on me, and I was reprimanded for my blatant disrespect to authority and my obvious anger issues, which of course, in ATI-world, proves a deep-seated struggle with lust and demons.
The entire ride home we were screamed at for trying to make them look bad to their ATI friends and ruin their reputation. But I refused to apologize or return to the church. This wasn’t enough for the other guy’s father however, and he came to our home to tell my parents that they were aware of abuse in our home, and that my siblings would secretly hide out in my room and plan to run away with me someday. I came home to even more accusations and insults about how I was manipulating and trying to take the family away and usurp the authority of the home. The other family was insistent that I be removed from the home if they were to remain friends with my parents. And so I left.
Two weeks later, I received a text that I was to be attending an ATI-related “relationships and counseling conference” with my dad, so that he and I could work things out. While wary, I did want my relationship with him back. The “fun dad” had long ago been sucked away after joining ATI, and the hero visage of my dad was long lost as boyhood faded into adolescence. But at 19 years old, I still craved a closeness to him, still thought I could make my parents change, and still believed I could save us all.
So we made a cross-country trip together for a “conference” I had never heard of. We laughed, we talked, we had fun times together that we hadn’t had in nearly ten years. It was like having another dad altogether. Then we arrived. Not at a conference. Not at a seminar. At a counseling center managed by ATI-associated, non-certified, non-professional counselors. Immediately all guards went up as I was asked to sit and speak with three counselors in the room along with my dad. I was asked if I was angry with my parents for anything. Was I bitter? Was I seeking to cause rebellion in the home? Was I talking about my parents behind their back or sharing family business while at school? Any time I tried to explain or make a point, my dad would interrupt with an explosive denial to everything. Then they pulled out a letter from my mother and made me look it over. It was six pages detailing every instance of rebellion in my life from age five to the present day. Some things I had no recollection of, some were a little funny, and some, like “stealing from my father” because I had snuck cheese and crackers for my siblings who were on a forced fast, brought back more memories that I’d somehow forgotten.
I began to slowly lose it while sitting on the couch, and started weeping. Then they asked if I’d ever touched my brothers and sisters inappropriately. WHAT the heck!?!?! I froze, and then exploded. They said that my sister had told other family members that there was inappropriate contact happening. While the family was sure it had been on my parents’ part, my parents had found out that I would allow all my siblings to sleep in my room and that I had been listening to “demonic” music, so I must have opened myself up to such behavior. I was dumbfounded, staring down my dad, who only pursed his lips and looked as condemning and serious as the rest of them. I wanted to run–I needed some way out. There was none. I said “NO!” over and over. I begged them to ask my siblings, but the counselors said I had influenced them so badly in my rebellion that their word couldn’t be trusted.
I glared at my dad for what seemed like hours, and he just stared calmly back. I was accused of breaking down my father’s hedge of protection by going to a secular college, listening to contemporary music, having unapproved friends, and watching movies. And because of this, it must have opened up my sister to Satan’s darts and caused her to act out in a way that she never would have with this boy. So, ultimately, I was at fault and would be held accountable for all the actions of my siblings, especially for the ones of my sister with this boy.
When I got angry, they said it meant I was guilty and hiding some deep-rooted sin.
When I sobbed, I was being manipulative and trying to evade their demands for me to draw stronghold diagrams.
When I finally got time alone with one counselor and tried to talk about the abuse at home, he left the room, conferred with my father, and then returned and accused me of lying and of having bitterness buried so deeply within me because of my irresponsibility.
Because I had attended a secular college, I was surely opening myself up to defrauding images, was probably eaten up inside with lust and perhaps had acted out on my siblings, or influenced them through my lusts to have lusts themselves that they had acted out. On the third day of these 4-hour sessions, I wasn’t sleeping, I couldn’t cry anymore, and I was lying under the bed in the hotel room to be away from my dad.
I was then told that my sister would be sent away to be trained along with women ‘like her’ who displayed defrauding behavior. And so I snapped. Why was it her fault? What of the evil boy? I pleaded for them not to send her away to the girls’ home (ironically enough, this home is now under investigation for many abuses itself). I broke down, pleading. I’d say anything, do anything–just don’t send her away! I drew another stronghold diagram, yielded my rights to my own reputation, repented of rebellion (as evidenced by insisting on going to an accredited secular college), made up stories of new sins for myself, confessed sins I’d never done, promised to come under authority, to obey without questioning, to honor my parents, to not ruin homeschooling for everyone else….and on it went.
I was sitting on the floor, head between my knees, wanting to wake up from some awful dream that just wouldn’t stop, as prayers were said, expressing thanks to the Lord for the mighty work He had done in breaking me and bringing me to repentance. One counselor then looked at me and said,“You know, God can use this mightily in your life. He’ll bless you for protecting your family, and teach you to know the blessings of revilement. This isn’t anything strange. It happens fairly often within ATI and other similar families.” I stared at him. All those stories bantered about in hushed voices in the Training Centers, then, were true?? And all the rumors I picked up on in church as ATI family after ATI family imploded in spectacular fashion over the years…? I had to shut out the thought.
The trip back was bad. It began with Dad trying to act like there was some mighty work of God to come through all of this, and that our family would now be closer through it. We stopped to stretch our legs, and I turned to him. I think I was angry, but it felt like I was dying somewhere deep inside when I finally said, “Dad….Just once–just once–would you please stand up for me, stand up for your kids, and choose US over this fake, perfect little box, the principles and rules, and your pastor or Bill Gothard? Just one time? Why do I always have to be the one to make the sacrifices?”
He didn’t answer, but just got back in the car. No more words were spoken the entire trip.
When we got home, I thought I could single-handedly fix it all. My sister wouldn’t be sent away, my brother could come back home, I could make demands for more freedoms and outlets for fun for the youngest ones. I would make us get out of ATI, and help lead my folks out of this nightmare.
I thought I could change my parents. I thought I could be a perfect example of sacrificial love, and they’d realize I just wanted us to be a loving, imperfect family again.
I got so caught up in how I was going to be the perfect sacrificial son, that I ignored asking what was really going on, and what had really happened in the home and by whom. My sister was back to throwing herself into the running of our home, but the happy disposition was fading. My parents couldn’t seem to stop letting her know how she’d failed to keep herself pure for some perfect guy, and no one worth anything would care for her. I’d come home from school to find her crying on the couch, as words like “Jezebel” and “whore” were being thrown at her. I’d step in, fight with them, and tell her to never blame herself or think of herself that way. I told her if anyone ever dared accuse her, to just blame me. But then my parents would mock her when my back was turned for being a burden on me.
There were never improvements–the family counseling my parents had promised we’d get was never done, because all counseling outside of ATI counsel was “of the world” and made up things and disorders no one really had, which were all just varying levels of hidden sin and irresponsibility. But I was made to talk once a week with another ATI counselor, who would twist my frustrations into being a problem with me, and then report everything back to my parents. A meeting was called, and the “counselors” informed me that I didn’t care about my family enough and that I wasn’t trusted to protect my family, but if I wanted to prove all of this wasn’t the case, I needed to cut myself off from all outside friendships and yield more rights.
And so I gave up all my friends, but at the same time I also decided I could no longer live at home. I was proud of myself at the time, demanding certain rights for my siblings–outside activities, a social life, a few friends–with the agreement I would keep withholding our sacred family business. It was a worthy enough cause for me to be the scum, if it gave my siblings some freedom, right?
A couple of years later, at 22 years old, I was courting a lovely young woman and somehow still juggling staying under parental authority in order to maintain ‘the blessing,’ while constantly out of favor with my parents because I refused to allow them to dictate the rules of my relationship. And the fact that this young lady was neither in ATI nor intimidated by my mother, only made things worse. I took a semester off to spend more time with her and her family, being against the rapid-fire courtships typically espoused in the patriarchy circles. Time had passed, and I had sadly blocked out so much and forgotten so much, our home life seemed to have become somewhat ‘normal.’
And then one night I received a frantic phone call from my brother. My sister had tried to commit suicide and had nearly died, so she had been put in some facility for a week, but we had been kept in the dark. I was forbidden to share any of this with my girlfriend, but some little part of me couldn’t keep this up anymore. I’d been trying to figure out how to share my own abuse story, and now I had to shove it away, give up my right to be heard, for the sake of allowing my parents to keep up appearances.
I started down a road that I look back and recognize as the symptoms of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and severe survivor’s guilt. Why did I deserve a godly woman who walked right through my zero expectations and showed crazy, unconditional love? Why did I deserve her mother who would set aside whatever she was doing just to listen to me because it was something I was saying? Why did I deserve her father who I’d later realize took the scenic routes on so many trips out together just to spend that much more time with me? Why did I deserve to get a college degree and find favor with anyone in my industry while my siblings were given no path to a future? I told myself I didn’t. Who wanted someone whose family was falling apart and scattering when I wasn’t there to hold it together?
I pleaded to be allowed to speak with my sister, but my parents refused. I was to conform and blame myself, or lose their blessing. When I said I didn’t want their blessing, it was twisted into saying my girlfriend wasn’t worth it. Like everything else in ATI, when you aren’t the parent, you either lose or you lose. My sister and younger siblings were told I didn’t want them in my life anymore, that I’d replaced them with a new family, that I didn’t think my sisters were attractive because I was courting someone who looked entirely different than them, and other bizarre and manipulative excrement. So, I fell for it. I lied for their sakes. I tried pushing away the ones who truly loved me to show what little love I could to the authorities who didn’t.
By the time I got home, I found that my parents had thrown me under the bus with our extended family, explaining it all away by telling them I had been abused and was therefore abusive in turn, that I refused counseling, and my siblings and I were all liars. I didn’t fight back. Because I knew I had to stay under their authority or lose “the blessing” on my relationship (a blessing I saw no merit in). But instead I began to lose the woman I loved as I pushed away real, unconditional love to spare her from being with someone who had to be the “sin bearer.”
My younger siblings then started coming to me with stories and evidences of my parents’ sexually deviant pasts, and it all slowly began to come together….the highest standards they held us to, but never came close to achieving themselves. Their entire lives were a lie to us.
I finally made threats against them, unless they would go to counseling with real counselors. My sister ran away again. I ended up in a psych ward temporarily for grief of it all, as I watched my family begin the collapse I’d seen in so many others. I found myself handcuffed to a chair with legitimate crazies and druggies telling stories that would make your skin crawl. When I was allowed a phone call and I phoned my dad, he let loose a stream of expletives for daring to cause others to question his home. When I somehow ventured to whisper out that I was concerned about myself, he told me to get my act together and that I’d better not say anything against them. So I lied to the doctors, put on a show, and got released. I drove home and demanded we go to a counselor of my choosing, at a legitimate clinic, and I footed the bill. When we finally all sat down with real professional counselors, my parents immediately went after my sister and brother until the counselor cut them off and asked what it was they were hiding, and what sexually deviant things they were into that they had to make such strong accusations against their children while parading themselves off as righteous. My parents stormed out and demanded their children come along.
I got calls soon after this from more ATI counselors and from Bill Gothard himself, again telling me to yield my rights and expectations, that I would be doing harm to the cause of Christ by speaking out against my parents, usurping their authority, and ultimately damaging my family. Both times I had spoken over the phone with Bill Gothard about the abuse, he didn’t seem to acknowledge it, but instead talked about where my heart was, how a rebellious spirit caused the abuse, and that I needed to submit to my parents’ authority and yield my rights to being “right” and let go of my pride. He saw my courtship (at age 22) as being a newer source of my mother’s latest stress and abuse. He kept emphasizing the importance of leaving home with their blessing and that I had to be back under their authority to honor them. I found out later that my brother had also talked to Bill Gothard in person about the abuse in our home, but my parents had already pre-emptively struck, spreading lies about us to Gothard, so all we got were diagrams instead of getting real help.
I wasn’t sleeping anymore for weeks on end, and it began to show. I became certain that every ATI teaching was somehow based on controlling the children and protecting the abusers. I snuck the Men’s manuals and Character Sketches books from my parents’ house and began writing out how all the issues were defined: Yielding rights; never speaking against authorities; giving up all expectations of others and committing to serve and obey however you were asked; never speaking out or you will be deemed bitter; never opening up or you will be judged a burden or an energy waster; never telling someone anything bad or you could be accused of defiling them with an evil report, even if it is true; live under the authority of even evil rulers; learn the blessing of your own revilement, rather than seek to defend yourself. On and on it went. I thought then about how it all seemed built around some means of protecting abusers. From the stories of the brave, abused women speaking up now on the Recovering Grace site, I ponder even more from whence so many false teachings we were conditioned to believe, came.
I still sought to reason with my parents, tell them I forgave them, and that even my sister chose to forgive them–but there needed to be brokenness before there could be healing. They accused us of self-righteousness and pride, and trying to mock our mother and father. When I arranged for real counseling for my sister anyway, we were accused of selfishness and thinking only of ourselves. And our smallest siblings were told that we didn’t love them anymore and that we were trying to hurt the family.
My girlfriend stuck with me through it. Called to pray over me. Called to read from the Bible to me. Called even as I had decided I was really losing it and kept insisting it was all my fault and all my sin. She couldn’t understand my need to stay crawling on the ground, the need to unceasingly abase myself to prove to my parents I was sorry. She finally called one night with a question, “What does Grace mean to you?”
Grace. The point of it all. The point where I could never ever bridge the obvious canyon between my parents and I. They demanded I earn from them something I could only have by extending it to them first. I kept extending, and they wanted more proof of ‘allegiance to the family.’ They demanded that I pay for my time living at home, and for their costs in sending me to ALERT. I paid it, listening as they said it would show how much I really wanted the family to go to counseling together, not just for my own sake. But no counseling came.
It felt like I was performing emotional seppuku on myself. Could God not see how much I loved them? Could He see I was breaking myself in every way imaginable? Had we bled enough yet? Proven our desire for our family enough yet?
I lost everything. I thought I deserved to. I knew it was within my power to expose my parents’ abuse, but there was no one to listen to or believe us. I pushed away my sweet girlfriend and her family, who had loved me beyond human comprehension, thinking I was saving them. I was obviously a wretched excuse of future husband and father material, seeing how horribly I’d done in raising my siblings. I kept giving up more and more, yielding rights I wasn’t sure I even had, trying to prove I could be good enough, broken enough, sacrifice enough, and my parents would see and be sorry. And somehow our family from before ATI would come back.
But my parents now started claiming that my sister was at fault for disgusting behavior towards both of them, and that they had done nothing. She left home again.
I realized then that I couldn’t save anyone. I felt like I would probably die if no one would listen to me. And so I found a real counselor. Made arrangements for a visit. Nearly turned back a half dozen times on my way to my first session.
The phone rang as I sat in my car, staring at the front entrance of the center. It was one of the old ATI counselors again. And the same accusations again. I hung up. Somehow I walked inside those double doors with the white letters spelling out ‘The Grace Center.’ I could only hand over my journals detailing ATI rules, Scripture applications and teachings, and how I thought they had all destroyed us. I curled into a heap on the floor and wept for the entire two hours. The counselor let me. He then leaned down and made me look him in the eye as he told me, “It’s not your fault.”
Worlds fell away in that moment. The old dead carcasses of others I’d been manipulated and guilted into carrying, slid off. To hear someone else tell me what I had, for so long, silently harbored in secret thought to myself. Did it heal everything in that moment? No. Did it repair unfathomable scars and divides? No. But it changed my entire trajectory.
I got my sister out of the home, and began paying for her to go to counseling as well. I also put my parents on notice with Child Protective Services on behalf of my younger siblings still at home, and found extended family who rallied around us and cared for us.
ATI didn’t openly cause all the abuse. Nor did they espouse or promote it. My parents have deviant pasts that resurfaced and found some strange safety-bed within the authoritarian teachings, and their need for control and power fit well in the context of the program. The ATI leadership and counsel placed so much value on keeping the family together and saving themselves from a black eye, that they joined with my parents in shutting down any dissent. It never seemed to occur to them, in spite our insistence and reports of abuse, that perhaps–just maybe–our parents were in the wrong.
Years later, my siblings and I are all still healing and learning what real forgiveness is, but we have set many boundaries with our parents that had to be set, as well as other checks and balances in place for the protection of our younger siblings still at home. We can’t ever have back the family that existed before ATI, and we can’t erase all the abuse that started after immersing ourselves in IBLP. But there is rebuilding through the ashes. I have amazingly resilient and strong siblings. The counseling continues, and so does the journey–and with it the daily renewing of the love of true friends and family and the unconditional grace of Jesus.
Izek’s family was one of love, mirth, and imperfection before joining ATI. He has been involved with numerous Children’s Institutes, Character First!, Alert Cadet Challenges, & ALERT, as well as attending every conference for nine years, and several Basic, Advanced, Anger Management, and Financial Freedom Seminars. Now fully free from ATI, he enjoys rafting, rock climbing, and occasional dancing, while learning to rest his wild heart in the scandalous grace of Jesus.
If this sexual abuse series brings up any emotions that you would like to process with a professional counselor, please e-mail us at: support@recoveringgrace.org. We would be happy to recommend some professional counselors who are associated with the Recovering Grace ministry and who are familiar with the fundamentalist background of ATI and IBLP.
May 20, 2013
One of those stories that's almost unbelievable to all except those who've lived through similar circumstances. All I can say is, if this story sounds crazy to you, you're right - it is crazy that parents could ever treat their kids like this. But they do - I know from first-hand experience - and they find perfect justification for their behavior in the teachings of Bill Gothard and ATI.
God bless you for sharing bro - God's grace is stronger than any abuse.
Oh, Izek, I just wept through your story. I wish I could wrap my arms around you ... and around the sweet girl who stood by you through it all ... and cry with you.
Your story proves the point I have tried to make for years: the teachings of people like Bill Gothard provide the perfect shelter for abusers to indulge their bent for sin without any of the checks and balances that normal religious and community life generally imposes. In fact, highly authoritarian contexts like IBLP/ATI can breed even more horrible scenarios, because they allow authority figures almost complete license.
I am so hurt for you. I am so angry for you. I am so grateful that God reached down and pulled you through it. God bless you for sharing your story.
Your story continues to break my heart and make me weep. I am so sorry that you and your siblings have had to endure all of this evil. And I'd like to re-emphasize what the counselor said to you because it's true. It's wasn't your fault! Your parents are to blame. They failed you and your family. They were wrong in so many ways. The abuse (physical, mental, spritual, emotional,etc) that you endured was so great, wrong and evil.
Thank you for sharing your story. It couldn't have been easy reliving all of this pain again in your mind.
I really am at a loss for words. Your story is just so heartbreaking.
There are very few things in this world that make me angry...but this is one of them. The blindness and totalitarian control that ATI and many of the ATI parents exhibit is a cause of great frustration to me. One that can not be put into words....
I'm glad that you have emerged from it and are still fighting.
Izek, first I want to say that your story is compelling. You are stronger than many, if not the majority of people. Your fierce loyalty toward your siblings and their protection is admirable and inspiring. Many, probably most, would have struggled to merely escape with their own sanity, much less valiantly fight to save their siblings from such a nightmare. I am so very, very sorry for the heartache and pain you experienced. No child should ever have to experience such suspicious and abusive treatment from those who are supposed to love them.
I hope I am not being too forward to say something in regard to your heartbreaking story. You made several positive statements about your family prior to ATI. You expressed that apparently before ATI, your dad was a fun dad. You even stated in closing, "[w]e can’t ever have back the family that existed before ATI, and we can’t erase all the abuse that started after immersing ourselves in IBLP. " However, you also state, "ATI didn’t openly cause all the abuse. Nor did they espouse or promote it."
Please forgive me for asking, as I know you have been through so much suffering and trauma, but if your family was stable before ATI, how does ATI, NOT have any responsibility for what ultimately happened? Clearly from what you state, your family took a downhill turn upon enrolling in ATI. The belief system, teachings, and counseling in ATI were a major influence is what I have read in your story. While they may not have openly promoted abuse per se, they certainly created a breeding ground to espouse abuse. Hence the belief regarding authorities which ATI vehemently promotes. This particular belief would have certainly encouraged and promoted your parents behavior.
That is just my thought and question, so please do to be offended. As I would most definitely not intend to do that. Your strength, will, and stamina to stand against all odds and not only survive, but to rescue your siblings in the process, and thereby rescue your parents from themselves, is inspiring. You are an amazing young man whom I believe God will use mightily for His kingdom.
I think perhaps what Izek meant was that ATI brought the masochistic tendencies to the forefront, (said tendencies would already have existed in his parents, but were not really a part of the family life), and that is how he doesn't put full responsibility on ATI.
There is some truth to this, it is written that we are 'drawn away of our own lust', (lust in this context not neccessarily sexual, lust for power, control, greed, etc...), and apparently all his parents needed was the proper 'brainwashing' to convince themselves that their evil behavior was God-honoring.
I have observed that most of the people who join ATI are new Christians, or else Christians who are not well grounded in Scripture enough to see false teachings for what they are. How easy is it, to guide these 'weak minded' people into horrible teachings!
Izek, I read this part of your story, and I about cried, especially when the counselor said "It's not your fault." While I'm thankful my family wasn't this bad, there were some parallels.
My heart is broken for you. Thank you for sharing the words that I don't have the strength to share just yet. One thing that I can say is that I don't feel as alone as I did a few days ago.......
This is insane... the whole thing. I can't even formulate a good response because I don't know where to begin. This ranks right up there with "Running with Scissors." The insanity of superimposing "principles" over reality is so devastating. I am glad you shared. I wish I could write more about this-- but I am still grappling with your story. I can't even imagine. God bless you man.
This could have been me as a parent except for the GRACE of God. Oh God...help us all to understand better your wonderful GRACE! Can you imagine God looking down on all the hurt that goes on or ever has gone on. This was too much for one young fellow to have to endure in such a short life. A verse thart carried me through my healing after coming out of an abusive home and finding out that Jesus loved me, was (is still) "when thy father and mother forsake thee, the Lord will lift thee up". He does just that!! ;-(
Amen Denise. And that could have been me as a parent too, but for God's grace. I was pretty strict, controlling and perfectionistic. I wish I had spent more time loving and enjoying my kids vs. trying to make my home and kids so perfect. Regrets? Yes, many.
So painful to read. It's courageous of you to be so open on a public forum. And, you can't hear it too often -- It's Not Your Fault.
Izak,
Thank you for coming back & caring for your siblings. I do not understand the lack of value placed on children within the ATI system. It is simply inhumane.
I really don't know what to say. Your story is just heartbreaking. I feel so thankful to the Lord for His care and grace toward you, in that you were able to finally find solid counseling. You have been brave and strong to do some very hard things to find healing and protect your siblings. May God continue to heal your wounded heart and help your siblings and give you the love, comfort, security, and courage to recover from all of it. Thank you for sharing your story.
After Part One, I could barely bring myself to read Part Two. I am brokenhearted for you. I see that you and your siblings are finding peace from your past and taking steps to help your underage siblings. I am sure that a man as strong as you does not ask for pity. But if would would indulge my bleeding heart, which took many years of post-ATI-detox to even get noticed by myself, I do pity you. And I pity the many other innocent children who are apparently suffering similar abuse, according to the well-known ATI counsellor you mentioned. Thank you for sharing your story. You have taught me something about love today, by letting me see the destruction and depravity that ensues due to the lack of it.
Thanks for sharing. I read this at work and wanted to cry but I'm at work and can feel myself turning red with fury. I don't even have words for how angry this abuse makes me. I cried my eyes out when I watched Goodwill Hunting and Robin Williams tells Will it's not his fault. My prayers are with you and your siblings for your continued healing.
"I got calls soon after this from more ATI counselors and from Bill Gothard himself, again telling me to yield my rights and expectations, that I would be doing harm to the cause of Christ by speaking out against my parents, usurping their authority, and ultimately damaging my family."
Bill Gothard, as I am sure that you read here, when you turned a blind eye to stories like this one, you became complicit in the abuse happening to these children.
Shame on you, sir. You were an adult with the power to make it stop and you not only did not, you encouraged the monsters who perpetrated this horrible wrong on Izek and his siblings.
Izek, you are brave and wonderful. Keep your chin up, darlin.' Life is so much better on the outside. Peace.
Not only was he complicit by turning a blind eye, he taught the parents to maintain this structure of rigid authority at the expense of their children, and that reputation and appearances were more important than reality. Through a combination of his teachings and his behavior modeling, he fostered the very conditions for abuse.
I find many abuses in ATI to be within the bounds of the family unit, however, this organization does little or nothing to balance and/or deal with child abuse from parents. Again, not all homes are like this, but when they manifest, this organization tends to only empower the abusers.
Is it not a striking contrast that this organization is totally obsessed with breaking people of this or that where Jesus is concerned with healing the broken? This contrast alone should ring from the bells in the belfry of every church in the body of Christ! The ministry of Jesus Christ is to heal the broken hearted, to give sight to the blind, to uphold the hands that hang down, strengthen the weak, to set the oppressed free, yet the Pharisees heap burden upon burden without offering even a single finger to lift any of them.
Yes! Jesus heals the broken!
The doctrines of this system are those of the Judaizers.
It is a dark and hopeless system of error--no matter how bright it appears on the surface.
Mark them.
The Holy Spirit can accomplish what method and formulae cannot.
This story was really hard for me to read. I didn't grow up in an abusive home - but I did grow up in ati. To my shame and horror I realized how angry I was with my kids. It took about 3 years of spanking and do everything "just right" to realize that children don't fit a mold. I loved my kids, I just couldn't control everything about them. When you follow the principles in discipline everything is rebellion. When I started to see what I was doing to my children it broke my heart. I have forgiving and gracious kids. I am so grateful that I realized this before they got older and it was too late for a change in raising them. It was only when I began to understand how God sees me and works in my life that I was able to change how I saw them. I thank God that he helped me see what I was doing to my precious family. Ironically, I have been away from all things ati/iblp for over 10 years. The teachings go deep and rooting them out is hard work. I hope my kids will remember me loving them and showing them grace when they failed - just as they have done for me.
Bless you Izek. Thanks for sharing your life with us. May you always feel God's arms around you.
Utterly heart wrenching. I so desperately want to know more... about the young woman you were courting, about your sister, about you. But I know that A)it's not my place to ask and B) this is simply my heart trying to weave a happy ending from this, and happy endings are a rarity in these situations.
Thank you so much for having the courage to share this, and I hope that in sharing you're finding healing.
Izek. I am so sorry. How far do you let it go, how much do you hurt your children, before you say, "Wait. This is crazy!!"? I remember, in the immediate aftermath of my brother's death, telling my parents that they were sacrificing all of their children, one by one, on the hillside of "authority". Because that was the issue in our home: The parents reigned supreme, at the expense of everyone else.
And no one within that system did anything to help you. They will be held accountable.
I am so sorry that you and your siblings had to go through all that. Spoken from one that could repeat so much of your story and put me and my siblings names in it. I actually just reported my parents to CPS back in January and am now the one that my parents are dragging my name through the mud. My youngest brothers, who have told me that they view me as more mother than sister, are not aloud to see me right now because I am "setting a bad example and turning them from God." I know my parents are also trying to ruin my relationship with them. Just saying, I understand. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Izek, you are my hero. For surviving and for putting yourself out there for your siblings. For keeping your sanity. For seeking help with real counselors and making your parents go there. For staying strong. For breaking the damn spoons. For calling the CPS. Now keep healing and keep sharing the story... people need to know and abusers need to know that they know.
Do you blog? If not, maybe you should consider it. We'd love to know how you and your siblings are and how things are... also it's a very powerful tool to continue exposing the abuses. If they know the world is watching, they might control themselves better.
Lots and lots of love to you. May the rest of your life richly compensate for all the shit in your past.
Amen! A TRUE Hero!!!! I am at a loss for words right now, but if I could hug you, I would. I thank God for the wonderful girl and her family who stuck by you and showed you what real Christianity looked like...My heart is completely crushed for you and your siblings, and the horror that you went through. I am enraged at your parents, who were supposed to protect you. I am FURIOUS with the many "counselors" (and I use that term VERY loosely) who knew about this situation, and yet did nothing to stop it...not only that, but they perpetuated it by blaming you and enabling your parents...Words aren't strong enough...
Izek, your story nearly made me cry. Thank you so much for sharing it, and for being so courageous. Your siblings are incredibly blessed to have a brother like you.
Rak Chazak Amats!
That made me cry. What a nightmare to live through.
I would have cried if I had any tears left. Thank you for speaking out, Izak. Never give up the fight against the REAL strongholds of satan; we're all in this together.
"οὐ γάρ ἐστιν ἐξουσία εἰ μὴ ἀπὸ θεοῦ"
Izak, what an amazIng big brother you were. Such a protector, comforter, and fighter. You are a hero.
As you get older you begin to learn that life is not an easy journey. How many times have I shared my hurts with someone else only to find that that person had it even worse than I did?
Each time this happens my eyes are opened afresh to see the pride that still controls so much of my being and I have to repent of my own self-pity. Could 'Recovering Grace' be a code word for bitterness unrepented of?
My prayer for the readers here would be that they would each find true grace that can only come from a broken heart. "A broken and contrite heart Thou wilt not despise O God." Ps. 51:17
God uses hardships to bring us to that place of brokenness. If we can see that all these 'hurts' are for our ultimate perfection they can become our weapons of true grace that will bring peace in our lives and draw others to the kingdom through our reflection of Christ.
So, Mr. Banker, just what is your point? Are you saying that it's okay for people to beat children until they bleed because God will make good out of it? Or that children who are abused should not object because God will make good out of it?
Because I'm pretty sure I remember Jesus saying "... offences will come, but woe to him through whom they come." And that someone who offends a child would be better off tied to a giant rock and tossed in the ocean. I'm also pretty sure that Jesus and his disciples taught that we are to help those who are in trouble, to challenge those who teach error, and to confront those who take the name of Christian and yet live in open sin.
I don't see any pride or self-pity in Izek's story. I see only pain, and a heart-rending story that ends with the grace of rescue and healing. Paul told us to "weep with those who weep," and if it takes some weeping for Izek to get through his pain to a place of healing, then I think we ought to weep with him. And then support him and his siblings in their journey to healing. While praying that God will restore the parents to sanity and bring them to repentance.
Could "Recovering Grace" be a code word for bitterness unrepented of? Perhaps, but I still think it is a good title for this site.
Recovering Grace can show hurting/offended people out there that there are those who understand their pain and can empathize with them. It can show people who are perhaps on the verge of abandoning Christianity that there are more loving Christians out there. It can shed light on specific doctrinal problems with IBLP's teachings and show doubting people that the root offence is not really with Jesus but rather with certain people. When people discover Jesus' love for themselves personally, forgiving others may be easier.
While your comment was probably appropriate in its context and quite tactful, as a general rule I don't think everything has to be turned into a moral lesson which needs to be pointed out to a person who has suffered or is contunuing to suffer. I think this can be like rubbing too much salt into a wound. IBLP people seem to be great for this kind of thing; people full of advice yet short on empathy. Considering suicide? - You need to be told that suicide is a very selfish act. Sharing your hurt? - you need to repent of being bitter etc.... (I admit I am using stronger language to emphasize my point). Do we always need to point out these moral lessons? In trying to be gracious, IBLP people (and other legalistic Christians)can end up delivering just the wrong medicine and thereby be ungracious. Just because a doctrinal statment is technically correct does not mean it should always be said. Quoting scripture at someone in the wrong season can backfire.
When people discover Jesus’ love for themselves personally, forgiving others may be easier.
Right on!
Thank you, Stephen.
Yes Stephen I completely agree. Ben perhaps should read Romans 12:15-Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.
Ben, I hear that if you say "Recovering Grace" backwards 3 times you'll get sucked into hell. Now you're probably reading it backward to see what it says. Don't do it! Just joking.
Seriously, your post started off well, with a ring of wisdom, but then it went sideways. The answer to your question ("Could 'Recovering Grace' be a code word for bitterness unrepented of?") is "No." I'm not from ATI/IBLP, and what I see of many people from that world is brokenness. The people posting these stories already have broken hearts, and are loved (not despised) by God. Do you not feel the brokenness?
I agree that God uses hardships to refine us. I'm guessing you'd agree that God does not cause evil. But reading between the lines of your comment, you are fine with Bill Gothard and his teachings directly enabling the evil that leads to such brokenness. Is that truly how you think God works?
Honestly, I've not thought of grace as a weapon, per se. But you are right. Recovering Grace is being used mightily by God. I join you in praying that everyone who reads these pages will understand the true meaning of grace...God's unmerited favor.
I don't think I could say it any better than Wendy has.
Do you routinely tell people who have suffered heinous abuses that someone else has it worse and they should not be feeling bad?
God's grace is limitless and free. Maybe you are not coming across as you actually intend, but it does sound to me, as though you are implying the author is not "worthy" of grace. That the author is not "broken" in the specific way you think he should be.
Maybe go back to "communication 101" and try again. Or, if that is exactly what you meant, try to find a compassionate bone in your body!
I can't apologize for the fact that, for someone to act so dismissive of this kind of abuse, makes me feel VERY, VERY angry!
Ben,
You are so right. I can tell you have been paying close attention to the Basic Seminars. As Bill Gothard teaches the One True Way, if somehow people who are "following" have "difficulties", it's just for their own good. To somehow blame a system of having people follow impossible rules is just bitter. Remember, anyone who disagrees with Bill Gothard, or erroneously feels he's in error, is just angry and bitter, and most likely listens to rock music. They probably think this perversion is okay.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJTlvQ2IPUQ
Submit to your authorities, no matter what. If they still do bad things to you, make an appeal. If the appeal doesn't work, then just continue to accept the abuse, learn the lesson, repent of the pride you surely have, and make sure that you get "broken" enough to have true peace in your live, via abuse. To be truly godly, you should "turn the other cheek", by "going the second mile", and actually ASK for abuse and hardships. That way you can be even more a reflection of Christ.
Thanks for posting this. It's so encouraging, especially after passing out eggs to so many ungrateful, rock music listening children.
Oh Ben, I will do my best to be as polite as possible and to control my fingers as they type my response to you. I boldly and respectfully say, you are wrong on so many levels I struggle with where to even start. You are right on one thing, life is not an easy journey. Yes, we all have our hurts and pains and struggles. Yes, you can always find someone out there who has "had it worse." I am sorry that you feel that sharing your hurts to others comes from a root of pride and self pity. Hopefully those are struggles you are able to overcome. However, I challenge you to show me where, anywhere in what Izek has said, do you find pride, or self pity, or unrepentant bitterness? You must not have been reading the same article I was. Izek, I applaud you for what you have written here, and wish that I had the courage to post my story as well.
Ben, you have said that our "hurts" are for our ultimate perfection. To me, it is obvious that you have never been through what many of us here at RG have been through. Because if you have, you wouldn't dare to say something like that. You are basically blaming our hurts, our pains, our tortures on "pride" and "bitterness." Do you really think that me "repenting" for being "angry" at the abuse I suffered, will suddenly just make all of those hurts disappear? Do you really think that Izek repenting of "self pity" is going to just suddenly erase the past and the damage caused both mentally, physically and emotionally? I am sorry, but true grace does not have to come only from a broken heart. God grants his grace to all who are willing to accept it. His grace comes out of true love, and is NEVER to be used as a form of spiritual abuse like you are using it.
Yes, I am flat out saying that your comments amount to nothing more than spiritual abuse. Wielding your twisted view of God's grace as a weapon to strike at those who are bravely and honestly and openly sharing what they have been through. Not only for their own healing, but for the healing of those who read it. My prayer for you is that you would open your heart to the heartbreaking words that Izek has written, and instead of judging, offer love and support like those of us who really do understand God's true grace.
And Ben, on the off-chance that you indeed are experiencing some sort of similar abuse, you need to take action. You need to call for help, to call the authorities. I hope that is not your situation. But resigning yourself to the "will of God" and not doing what you can for yourself, will not end well for you. Recovering Grace has counselors available and may be able to help you, if you will make contact.
Just because life is difficult doesn't mean we should give a pass to those who make it difficult on purpose. Just because we didn't like something someone did to us doesn't mean we are "bitter". Just because God uses hardships doesn't give anyone any right to cause them. Just because God "doesn't despise" a broken heart doesn't mean standing up for the hurting and defending the defenseless isn't right.
I don't understand how anyone can read this story, through all the pain and torment and say, "You're proud, bitter and unbroken."
Imagine a child came to you with this story and no one else knew. Is this the advice you would give them? Because if you did, the abuse would be sure to continue. In fact, if a child shared for the first time, and was similarly rejected, it would probably be a long time before he shared again.
Please don't let your loyalty for Mr. Gothard cloud your judgment and give a pass to those who use his teaching to damage children.
Robert,
It's simple. As a very wise man once told me, I Corinthians 10:13 says (In the "True KJV") that "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."
I learned from Bill Gothard that words in the Bible don't always mean exactly what they seem to mean on first inspection. So you can take the word "temptation", and substitute "trial" (temptation is kinda like trial, right?). What this verse seems to mean is that God will give you a way to escape being tempted to do wrong, but what it REALLY means (according to a rhema) is that God will give you a way to escape from trials.
So basically, the person in this story was out of fellowship with God (probably because he was prideful), because God would have given him a way to escape from his "temptation" (really trial). See? You are always responsible for your hardships. Learn your lesson from them, and become humble.
Easter Bunny,
This is literally the most insane thing I've ever read. You are putting your own definition on scripture to come to whatever conclusion you want to come to. You can't come to a decision and word your way backwards to "prove" your point.
I'm not sure if you're just trolling, but if you're not...then I pray that somehow God opens your eyes to the lies and horrible legalistic state in which you are currently living.
[Nick... a hint: I think I know the Easter Bunny, and I believe he is loosely quoting someone else, and using ridiculousness to make the opposite point ;) ]
Nick, honey, it's called "satire." It's a time-honored way of pointing out the foolishness of a particular line of reasoning.
Or, if you prefer a dictionary definition: "The use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues."
Many well-known writers and artists have used this technique since ancient times, from Aesop and Juvenal, through Swift, Chaucer, and Pope, to Twain, Wodehouse, and even the more modern Douglas Adams and Gary Larson.
The Easter Bunny appears to be rather good at it. Kind of like The Onion.
Nick,
I used to think as you did, that twisting scripture to say what I really wanted it too was wrong. However, after years of going to Basic Seminars and reading all the many pamphlets that Bill Gothard has written, I came to the conclusion that it is okay to start with a premise, then go find scripture to support it. If you can't, then you slightly twist scripture that sounds sorta like you want to say. If it's too blatant a "twist", call it a "rhema", or "new revelation from God". That makes it okay. You will only learn this type of exegesis in the most progressive seminaries, so I understand that this may offend you. It takes some time and conditioning to get used to. The tone of your comment indicates you have some pride, that has lead to bitterness and anger.
I forgive you for this(although according to Bill Gothard, I'm not supposed to forgive you until you ask, but it's hard to remember all these rules that Gothard gives us. I suggest you stop listening to rock music, and turn your brain off, just like me.
Bwahahaha!! Love the comic relief...... Proverbs 17:22 A merry heart is good medicine......thanks for the humor that softens the harsh reality of it all.
Maddy,
You think this is funny? This is serious business. Too many people think the Bible means what it says. This is just not true. We need people like Bill Gothard to "Break It Down" for us.
You need to repent of your spirit of frivolity, that is probably a result of listening to rock music.
No. You don't learn that type of "exegesis" in seminaries. Sorry to break it to ya, Easter Bunny.
What in the world??? I see no bitterness. I see grown up people who have moved on sharing facts about the past to help others. If this makes you think of "bitterness" then I worry about your own heart. These stories authors don't need to repent sir. They need people like you to simply read and understand. That is sharing the "true grace" that Jesus came to show us how to give to others.
Ben Banker,
How utterly insensitive and unloving you are towards Izek and what he shared. You are also very judgemental towards him, Recovering Grace and those of us who have shared our stores; our hurts.
Just like Bill Gothard, you speak tidbits of truth with error which is so dangerous. He has trained you well.
I truly believe that Izek would agree that God can take his horrendous situation and that some good will come out of it. In fact it already has. His writing about it here on RG has already helped others as is evident by the many comments. Only God knows how great the fruit of his sharing his story will be.
I'm a parent who raised her children under Bill's teachings and was in the program over 16 years, but am very sorry that I did and ever heard about that man. And he is that, just a man full of sin just like you and me. He is not the demi-god that so many have made him out to be.
Bill has you so programmed. I was once where you are. I knew all the right words to say. I knew how to respond when someone said something negative about Bill Gothard. It would seem that you should really examine your own heart for pride and bitterness. And just so you know, none of us have arrived at perfection. We are all sinners. That even means you Ben Banker. We all struggle with pride.
How can you judge Izek and say that he hasn't been broken? Quite the contrary. I read his story and I see much brokeness in him. Many of us who comment on Recovering Grace have experienced much brokeness. We know that pain all too well.
Wendy A had an excellent response to you as well as did so many others? I hope you read them and truly take them to heart.
My Jesus loves children. My Jesus gets angry when children are abused. And yes, it is better for a person who hurts a child to have a stone tied to them and for them to be tossed into the sea and drown than to hurt one of these little children.
May your eyes be opened to the lies and heresies of Bill's teachings.
Sorry to break this to you, but grace is a gift from God--not a reward for "good' behavior.
Eph 2:8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: [it is] the gift of God:
Blue Letter Bible
So Ben,
If you saw a girl getting raped by a gang in an alley, would you quote her Psalm 51:17? How about a group of Jews boarding a train for Auschwitz?
Your lack of empathy for others' pain saddens me. I hope you experience some pain one day and that someone comes along and encourages you repent of your self pity. Maybe then you will be able to repent of your self righteousness.
True grace does not come from a broken heart, it comes from God, and God alone! I hope you do not have children, you do not seem to understand the heart of the matter here. So quick to judge. So sad..
I simply find it interesting that people seem to be more interested in looking at those who have been hurt and saying "looks like you need to get over your bitterness" instead of looking at the people who caused the pain and saying "you should stop with the insanity." Kind of odd really. Seems like a lack of logic. Aaaand... that's all I have ta say 'bout thaaat.
*applauds*
Ben, your comment is totally insensitive. There is no bitterness in Izek's story, and for the record, I know Izek personally, and he is NOT a bitter person.
In comparing who had it worse or not, stop with the comparisons. Just because my situation wasn't anywhere near as bad as Izek's doesn't mean my hurts are any less valid. Izek probably never had it as bad as a POW in a Vietnamese prison camp..., but that in no wise means Izek's complaints are any less valid. They are both wrong...and God doesn't make distinctions between who was hurt more or not.
Ben, you are justifying teachings that protect abusers, hurt children, and now you say "God meant it for good?" Of course, God can turn a situation around and make a beautiful thing out of it...but for you to excuse Izek's legitimate grievances...that is nothing but callous and uncaring.
For you to say "Oh, but God will use it to our ultimate perfection," you are doing nothing but trying to say "Your hurts aren't legitimate." You're doing nothing but trying to downplay the situation and make it out to seem not as bad as it actually was. All because you don't want to admit that Bill Gothard is wrong. It would humble you too much to do so-to admit that much of what you were taught from his materials was wrong. Now tell me who has the real spirit of pride.
Ben, I hope you will realize the truth. The Bible says "The truth will set you free." John 8:32. I hope you will be set free from a works/performance-based Christian life, and live in the joy and grace (unmerited favor) of God.
No, Ben Banker, Recovering Grace is the name of this website which is dedicated to the healing of the multitudes who have been hurt from Bill Gothard's false teachings. I am very grateful for this site and take offense to your comment. Perhaps it is your own heart you should examine for making accusations against those such as ourselves who were wounded and are here trying to recover. Here is a scripture I would like to tell you: Romans 12:15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep......When someone is hurting and suffering the bible is saying to sympathize and seek to comfort them. In other words, don't imply they are the one with the problem by asking them if they are bitter. And in particularly, since the majority of us on this site were manipulated by being accused of being bitter, we are somewhat sensitive to that term.
I would like to ask you Ben Banker, why are you attempting to trivialize the horrendous abuse relayed in the article posted by even suggesting anyone on this site is bitter, or that they do not have a broken heart? Do you dare suggest that God for one moment was involved in the abuse Izek suffered for the purpose of growth? Did you read the article Failed Protectors? God weeps over the abuse described in the story, and quite frankly, you should be too.
One of the beautiful things about RG is that we don't compare stories. It's not who is the most messed up. It's not whose parents, had they been convicted in a court of law for the crimes they *DID*, in fact, commit, would get the longest sentence. No sir, that is not what RG is about. Recovering Grace is about... wait for it... Recovering Grace. Finding that grace, finding it, living it, learning it.
Funnily enough I am starting to begin to wonder if "Recovering Grace" really stands for "Self-righteous judgmental people, come and comment, make light of the real pain of others. Show them that their journey is not up to your standards".
I have a very difficult time reading Izek's story and not seeing the beautiful heart and soul of the man. I have a difficult time reading Izek's story and not seeing how this man, who has lived through more horror than anyone should have to, *isn't* doing everything within his power to use it for good. I dare say one of the reasons he was willing to put himself out there and share this painful story was in an effort to help others - not himself - others, in an effort to make what was less than, greater than.
I personally find it very disheartening to read comments which make light of anyone else's pain and suffering. Certainly, it can be used for the glory of God but do you think Jesus would have sat back told someone to get over it? That their pain wasn't worthy?! Perhaps your jesus was an insensitive jerk, but my Jesus weeps for abused children. He weeps when his children are hurt. He weeps and is angry (yes, angry) when injustice is done - and I cannot even comprehend the type of anger He may feel with such abuses are done in His name. God help those people.
Ooooooo... Ooooooo! Someone MUST have said some'in truthful!!! The word "pride" was spat!
Ben, first off I would like to formally reject your prayer, prayer rejected. Second, if that was your best assesment after reading this story, I would like to invite you to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior while I play all 17 verses of "Just As I Am" in the backround. Thirdly, between you and your buddy Alfred's influence, I have used more foul language, listened to more rock music, and expirienced more bitterness in my heaart than the Devil and his band of merry misfits could ever cause me. In short, you just caused me to lose my salvation. Thanks for nothing. :)
I really didn't see any bitterness in that story...just brokenness, and brokenness is something God places a high, high value on. Izek has done what the Psalmist did; he brought a heart crying out with pain to the Lord, and the Lord made it right. The perfectionism, the "keeping up appearances," the plastered-on "ministry smiles," the unthinking, unquestioning obedience of ATI was utterly confusing to me when I first went to a TC. The Jesus I met was bursting with love--but the people I met in the TC (including Bill G.) were repressed; every emotion passed through a filter. Christians are called to be transparent. Honest. Humble enough to admit that they're just a bunch of hopeless, helpless sinners hoping to catch some crumbs, yet blessed to be invited to the feast. I did meet a few people in authority whom I would say were kind people, and loving people--but never, ever, did I meet one who would honestly own up to his or her mistakes. People in authority in ATI do NOT make mistakes. It's like a cop who believes he's above the law, because "he is the law." That's the attitude that directly corrolates with ATI's teachings on authority. Rules do not apply, because they make the rules. It's like the Catholic church before Martin Luther or something. Just as people were randomly accused of heresy (a charge it was next to impossible to refute) in order to control them, anyone not in power in ATI was subject to the random accusation of bitterness. It is impossible to prove to anyone that you're NOT bitter. They'd have to take you at your word that you were not--but if you weren't an authority, well, your word was valueless. It is so, so backwards.
Seriously, Ben? You and every Gothardite need a taste a true bitterness so you can stop mislabeling righteous anger and desire for justice as "bitterness". Your very premise is faulty. True bitterness would be if Izak said this: "I hate your guts. I hope you rot in hell. I will never stop until you're dead. Revenge will consume my life. I hope you and everyone you love will die a slow death and burn in hell forever." THAT is bitterness. Get your head out of the sand. You, and ever one that has labeled people like Izak "bitter" have failed at the 3 very simple things that God expects of His follower: "Do justice, Love mercy, and walk humbly with your God." Justice and mercy and humility. When you figure out what those things are, let us know.
Darcy, thank you for your comment about righteous anger. When I first read Ben Banker's comments directed at Izek as well as the readers of RG, I must say I wrote a scathing response so outraged was I by his attempt to "blame" Izek and those who are recovering. The subtle manipulation tactics so many of us are familiar with and succumbed to at some point in our lives was evident in his words. But then I became hesitant and rewrote my response softening it, thinking perhaps I was being too harsh. It was not until after I posted my comment that I realized my first response was in fact........righteous anger.
And So I want to tell Ben Banker this......I want to say that at one time I was manipulated with twisted scripture. I was duped by a man called Bill Gothard whom I believe is in fact a messenger of Satan. Matthew 7:20 So then you will know them by their fruits.......this website, and the numerous articles concerning pain, suffering, and recovery through the grace of God, has come about because of Bill Gothard's FRUIT. I encourage you Ben, read ALL of the articles on this site. It is a very hard read I will tell you. Then, and only then, after you have inspected Bill Gothard's fruit, then come back to us and we will see what your final analysis of Bill Gothard is. Then we will talk to you.....after you have "listened." Proverbs 18:13 he who gives an answer before he hears, It is folly and shame to him.
Oh, and one more thing Ben Banker, just so you fully understand. I was a PARENT in ATI, I am not a student. And my righteous anger comes from the desire to see that these prior students of ATI have a safe place to recover, free from the spiritual abuse/twisted scripture they unfortunately endured at the hands of us parents who led them into ATI.
AMEN Darcy!!!!! You put it so succintly...thank you!
I am glad that Ben wrote his comment because it lit the fires of passion here, and brought so many heart-felt responses. Keep on reading RG, Ben. You are welcome to comment anytime.
Dear Easter Bunny, didn't you mean to say "eisegesis in the most regressive seminaries"?
Hannah and Christy,
It's obvious from your disagreement with me that you have a root of pride and are out from under your umbrellas of protection. I bet you are wearing pants and listening to ungodly rock music on Pandora right now, and worship bunny idols like this one.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IS0T57GOwPo
Darn straight! Except I never have figured out Pandora, so complete reprobation still escapes me [sigh]
does Keith Green on you-tube count?
Ben,
I pray you'll return and read the words many have responded to you with. I pray you aren't simply trolling and stirring the pot. I pray you'll know that while many have written you with considerable emotion, there is no vitriol, no real anger. There is shock at some of your more flippant remarks, but there is a genuine care for where you may or may not be in your own journey.
To be honest and open with you Ben, I personally hated writing this. I sat down and ran fingertips across and through some very personal wounds I've wanted to pretend was long resolved or further along in healing. Halfway through it, I was in a corner weeping all over again, or driving around and around the city late into the night, contemplating where I've been. I decided I was done, couldn't do it, this article wasn't going to make it to print. My story wasn't important, my story wasn't as meaningful, and my wounds weren't as deep...
And there are other stories Ben. Stories these past weeks that have left me broken. Stories that have caused me lash out in such grief to whatever nature will hear me alone in the forests. Stories that have made me want to belittle my scars and trivialize my journey in comparison. Stories that haven’t yet reached a place where they are ready to be shared. So, there is mine. And the old ATI kid in me still argued and accused me. That people will be defiled by the hearing of my story, that it’s just a play for pity on my part, that I'll be a burden, an energy waster....do you see how long this stuff clings? Do you see I know exactly where you are coming from? And yet we continue plodding on, pushing on, daring to come closer to some final refining even as our being tears and falters and breaks for every step further we make. And we've been taught this is what God would have us, we've been taught there's a blessing in this pain, that He is the one doing this, that it is a sickness unto His glory, or unto our chastening for some hidden sin, that there is a blessing in our own revilement, that He is really the one wanting us broken, that we are to be constantly thrust into the fire and refined further and further. It’s exhausting how much we can back ourselves up with for staying still, for staying chained.
But that’s not it at all Ben. We are choosing to break ourselves for a holiness won for us so long ago on the cross. We are choosing a refinement through pain long suffered in our place. We insist on walking off the same cliffs over and over and remaining in a cycle of always losing, falling, gritting our teeth and losing again. That breaking we liken to a sheep’s legs being broken by the shepherd to keep him close? No shepherd does that. We do it to ourselves. And while God can certainly use those situations we so often thrust ourselves into in order to refine us before the flames, we so often concentrate on likening ourselves to dross and silver and forget that we are also likened unto clay. Clay in the Potter’s hands. Clay held firm enough to know the hands are there, but never so closely break the work apart. Scarred hands. Broken hands. Hands pierced and shattered so we would never have to be.
I see you are seeking true humility Ben. And you’re saying your hurts don’t compare to mine, and that your sharing would be invalid and arrogant on your part. You fear being stricken with the bitterness label if you’d just open up. And you want to. So you decide it must be arrogance, that you must be esteeming yourself better than those with the ‘real, deeper wounds’, and you need to be broken more and more of this pride you must have, and broken thoroughly, because pride is the root of it all, right?
Ben, does the amputee from Vietnam tell the amputee from Iraq that his wounds are bigger, because he was treated with less skillful tools and treatments? Does the man who’s lost a leg scoff at the woman who’s lost a foot? Does the little boy who was physically beaten by his father bleed more or less than the little girl whose mother tells her she’s unattractive and good for nothing? The wounds are all different Ben, but the bleeding is the same.
I’d encourage you to find two sermon series by Louie Giglio. The first is titled ‘Freedom’, and the second is titled, ‘The Prodigal’. I can’t recommend either enough. Both share of the scandalous love of Jesus, and the Father, for us all. A love that runs to us wherever we are, whatever our wounds, and gives a grace so powerful to overflow them all.
Ben, I’ve projected some…okay, really, quite a bit here. But you are in the above words somewhere, if only but for a line. Please, don’t stiffen; don’t find a falsely broken path parading as the narrow. Don’t insist on moving when you need to learn to rest. Don’t deny His grace and gifts insisting He’s not done breaking you. Don’t learn the way I did. Don’t lose the way I lost. Don’t be me one day, staring into a pair of the deepest blue eyes piercing you, searching you, filling with tears because they can’t understand why you won’t share your hurt, loving you regardless of what that hurt is, pooling over because they can’t find why you just won’t let grace in and overwhelm you. Don’t turn your head away because you think to share what you so long to be free of is your punishment, your burden, a load that to share would mean you must be bitter because that’s all you’ve ever been told. Don’t live with that regret. Don’t add another wound to the ones you have.
Ben, you are loved man. Loved by a Heavenly Father who hurts to see you walking in whatever pain you are in. You are loved by counselors out there who will listen and walk with you rather than root through you for real and imagined sin. And you are loved by me.
This crazy family of people wrapped around the work and mission of Recovering Grace isn’t about comparing wounds and prioritizing hurts. It’s about proclaiming the work of an incomparable Healer in all of us. Be blessed Ben, you are so very worth it.
-Izek
Wow, what an amazing, moving, awesome response. So gracious, so clearly not bitter and malicious.
I LOVE that image of comparing wounds. Everyone's story matters.
This is just one small detail, but I wanted to affirm the comment about the shepherd. Shepherds do not break the legs of their sheep. There is a myth that ancient shepherds did so, but it's only a myth. I know a prof who lived as a bedouin shepherd for a while in an attempt to enter their world. When he asked if they ever break legs, they looked at him like he was crazy. The good shepherd gave his life for his sheep. We needn't fear that he will break our legs.
How anyone could read your story, and then your gracious response to Ben, and think you might be "bitter" is beyond me. God bless you, Izek.
Wow! How can words express what I want them to right now? This is a much needed comment...in contrast to some of the other comments responding to Ben's comment. Comments like Ben's come from people like Izek...who haven't yet found the healing he has begun to find. If this really is Recovering Grace, people, be like Izek and show a little grace to people like Ben...
Izek...I want to say that I was so very impressed with your reply to Ben!
I have read many responses to various articles on this site and found MANY not so gracious and godly responses!
While I don't agree 100% with RG I thought your article was very well written and I commend you for the courage it took to write it!
I know from personal experience how hard it can be to not only face the truth of the past, but as you move forward to share that past with others.
For me I felt as if being honest with others about what I had been through would somehow isolate me even more and the rest of my world would unravel.
But, God has used my testimony to help others by showing them there is hope, and redemption through Jesus Christ. Out of the ashes of the past I have seen God do amazing things in my life and create something beautiful that I can use for Him.
I pray God will bless you as He continues heal and restore you!
I NEED TO CLARIFY:
I feel due to the nature of this site that I need to clarify that the things I went through in my past had nothing to do with ATI.
I didn't want to be misleading.
Izek,
I had a tremendous respect for you as I read your story. As I read your response to Ben the tears blurred my vision. Your heart is incredible! Thank you for sharing and thank you for your incredibly grace-filled response. It applies to much more than his comments. I pray that you are blessed beyond what you can even recognize!
Amen.
I have read through scores & scores of testimonies on this site, but I am officially rocked to my core by your story, Izek. My heart breaks for you, and as a mother of sons I feel for you as a mother and cannot fathom a mother not standing up for her child against his father with every inch of her being. I am also upset with myself and feel like I'm at a bit of a dead end. You see, I've watched the Duggars on TV for so long and thought, "those are amazing Christians, I want to raise my family like them." I began researching them & their homeschool curriculum and had even considered joining ATI. I'm ashamed to type those words. I've also had trouble with anger, and thought the Anger Seminar might be just the thing to help me. Now I don't know what to do. Can anyone suggest anything? I wasn't raised in a Christian home and am trying to figure things out, but it seems like every time I think I've found someone to trust, the rug gets pulled out from under me. I even considered becoming Catholic, just so I would have that solid backing, solid foundation... Maybe this wasn't the spot to post this, I don't mean to hijack Izek's story & go off on a rabbit trail. God bless all of you in your journey toward God & healing!
Hi Lisa,
We've all been exactly where you are. I think every family enrolls in ATI because they think it will transform their broken family into a perfect one. We all wish we could wave a magic wand, or even follow a few principles to fix the brokenness that we see in ourselves and in the world around us. But that isn't reality.
In the book Parenting Beyond Your Capacity, Reggie Campbell wrote, "God is at work telling a story of restoration and redemption through your family. No matter what your family looks like or how limited your capacity might be, you can cooperate with whatever God desires to do in your heart so that your children will have a front-row seat to the grace and goodness of God"
This journey from rules to a relationship with a living God is often a scary one. I'm trying to take my cues from Jesus, who walked through this broken world showing love to the person right in front of Him. I may never be able to explain that in fancy theological terms, but it's my prayer that God will give me the grace to live it out for my family.
Lisa, I'd suggest you read the book Mommy Grace by Sheila Schuller Coleman. I'm always looking for a new way to show God's love to my sons, but through that book God helped me to see His love for me as His daughter. Sure, I mess up. A lot! But God continues to love and forgive me. And my boys continue to love and forgive me, as well. And as humbling as it may be to me for my sons to sit in the front-row while God works in my heart, I'm trusting that His story of redemption and restoration in my family is going to be better that anything I could have dreamed possible.
Teri
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!!! And to hear this story from another firstborn ATI kid. Thankfully, things in our family aren't to the same degree. But still. This speaks to me. Moves me. Challenges me. It brings back painful memories...and yet also gives me new hope.
I know what it is to hide family problems from others...to be the protector of younger siblings...to want to help them, and yet feel like helping them means giving up my own life and "rebelling" against authority. But I need to stand up for myself and my siblings. God requires justice. And mercy and humility.
So to find a way to combine those all together...requires asking the Lord for mercy, I guess.
Thanks for the honest sharing and vulnerability. I know it wasn't easy. But it was most certainly worth it.
I despise ATI and what it has done to my family. I long for the true grace of Jesus to restore us and make our family whole. It seems utterly impossible most of the time.
That part where you 'glared at your dad' in the counseling session, and he 'stared calmly back' nearly sent me into a fit of anger and grief. That sounds exactly like my dad. Was his nose up in the air? It reeks of arrogance, pride, of the worst kind. Makes me sick sick sick!!!!! And then when you asked him to stand up for ya'll. I can completely relate! I am so angry at the injustice that has been done to my whole family!
Bill Gothard, you would do well to get on your knees and actually listen to the God you say you serve. I'm sure He would be gentle enough with you in convicting you of your sin, after all, He loves you in spite of everything. At the moment, that is incomprehensible to me, except that I look at my own sin, and remember the wonderful loving things God has shown me, and know that He loves me too, so He must love you just as much..
I do have a question. How does one pray for their parents to see the light? I've wondered if it would be right to ask God to 'smack some sense into them', since apparently nothing else will do.. I don't want anything bad to happen to them, but as I sometimes doubt if they are truly saved, it would be better for something 'bad' to happen now, than for something horrible to happen to their eternity.
Heather, please go through the Psalms in a version you're comfortable with and read the prayers of those who went before us. There are plenty of petitions for bad things to happen to enemies! I would recommend that you pray a chapter or two that expresses your heart. Be honest, you can't hide your heart from the Lord anyway.=-)
Christy, thank you!
I just wonder, could it be possible that this site could help bring us all, the whole church in America to repentance? God says that if we will humble ourselves and pray and forsake our foolish ways, He will hear our voice from heaven and heal our land. Isn't pride and arrogance our "foolish ways"? (I was just pondering this--I was around IBLP a lot in the 70's and 80's and I assumed a lot of the mindset and language it promotes). I was also thinking that even BG can repent and change, God certainly has enough grace and mercy and love to work such miracles. God Bless all of you writing and posting here, you are precious.
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