I had thought my anger was long past.
I was convinced that I had forgiven and moved forward.
And here I am. Over the past several months I have learned new things about myself and about others within ATI (the Advanced Training Institute) that have caused the tears to flow… again. Sometimes in a healing way, and sometimes in a way that brings righteous anger.
I know that humans are the most hurtful beings that God created. Because we have feelings, we are hurt easily. Maybe it’s due to unmet expectations? Or perhaps because we treat each other as inferior? We may be disrespected in ways that cause us to feel worthless. We may not feel that we are worthy of respect and accept feelings of shame.
I grew up in a verbally and emotionally abusive home. My dad would speak derogatory things towards my mom and would call her names. This abuse also extended to all of his children. It felt inescapable as we were always home together, and it frequently carried over to the church my dad pastored. I have vivid memories of sitting in the church pew forcing myself to keep a straight face and not show any reaction to whatever story was being told (and desperately hoping he wouldn’t name any of us).
While my mom didn’t seem to be bothered by the derogatory things my dad said toward her (in fact she recently told me it was because she knew her self-worth. What he was saying did not matter and she was able to set it aside in her mind), this is not a trait that was passed on to me. In addition to the wounds his words caused me, I found myself attempting to protect my younger siblings, even though I now know that this was not my responsibility. No child should have to protect herself or her siblings from their father’s tongue.
The dynamics in my home were exacerbated by the teachings of ATI, especially the teaching that women must always be under the protection of a man. In ATI, women are to go from their father’s house to their husband’s. There is no reason for a woman to have a career, before or during marriage. Her primary purpose in life is to be a wife and mother. And her worth should be found in submitting to her father first and then her husband.
ATI also places an enormous emphasis on birth order and how first born children have greater responsibility by virtue of being the first born. Sometimes, ATI taught that even the firstborn of a particular gender (even if not the firstborn of her family) had a greater responsibility, too.
These teachings, along with the abusive dynamic in my home, left me feeling like a complete failure. I am well past 30 and no one has asked me to be his wife (and the mother of his children). The constant pressure to “be a good example” to my younger siblings left me unable to let go and just have fun. I feared reaping the consequences (or causing them to reap the consequences) of having ‘too much fun.’ Too often, I wished I was not the oldest daughter. I wished that someone would have led me, rather than me having to be the leader. These things left me feeling like I had failed to follow what surely must have been God’s plan for my life.
What I have learned outside of ATI is that God loves me. He is sovereign. He has a plan for my life. Even though God could have stopped all of the pain that I experienced as a child, and at times continue to experience from a relationship with my dad that is far from healed, He knows what I can handle and He gives me the grace I need in the moment to face the pain.
I have learned that I have worth in God’s love for me. He sent His son Jesus Christ to die on the cross, and He raised Him from the dead FOR ME and no one can take that from me. God has also helped me to see that the hard things in my childhood helped me attain my position at work.
The pain of my youth has formed tenaciousness in me. I excel when given a challenge. In college, I earned an accounting degree with a very good GPA. I no longer wanted to be held back by a lack of education. At work, I ask the hard questions. I need to know why it has always been done that way, and whether there is a better way of doing something. I can take the lead and get the task done.
Best of all, I know the truth about who I am and where God has led me in my walk with Him. My worth doesn’t lie in being someone’s wife or mother, or in being my siblings’ keeper. I am recovering the grace that He freely bestows on all who receive Him. If my story can help someone look at their past anew through the lens of healing, God will be glorified. After many years of pain, the lack of self-worth I learned in my ATI childhood is now fading.
Thank you LeeAnn for sharing your story. It blesses my heart as a former ATI Mom to see another young person finding healing from their painful past and recovering and growing in an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ.
It's great to see that you have sought after the education that you desired to have and are enjoying life at the present.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are speaking truth when you know that your worth is in Christ!
Thank you for sharing! I have similar struggles and victories. My favorite saying is "one day at a time".
I identify strongly with the pressure you described that was placed upon the firstborn children. I was constantly reminded that I needed to be an example for my younger sisters. In addition, as a pastor's daughter, I also had to set the standard for the other youth in the church.
It's fantastic that you have furthered your education. Keep finding the fun in life. :)
Wow - I can very much identify with you and could have written much of this. Oldest daughter, responsible for younger siblings, always worrying about not doing it right/being good enough. I was 25 before I realized that I didn't even really know who I was - I was always trying to fit into the expectations of others and became sick in the process. I've been working on rectifying that bit by bit for the past several years. Went to school (where my hard work has paid off with accolades from teachers and a very good GPA), stepped out on limb to pursue interests of mine. It's been very freeing and rewarding. I'm still not where I want (or feel I need) to be but God is faithful!