Most of us have been there. You venture outside your pain and tell someone you have been spiritually abused. You test the waters, saying, “I’ve been hurt.” Sadly, others, especially those who profess Christ, can utter words that cut deep, invalidate your experience, and leave you like the traveler on the side of the road, bruised and bleeding.
I’ve asked some friends who are also on the road to recovery what comments have hurt them most. While this is something I wish we didn’t have to write about, it’s necessary. Necessary because chances are you will hear (or have already heard) some of them as well. I want you to know that you are not alone, that spiritual abuse is real, and that your journey to find grace is valid.
*Please note that several on this list are specific to the Advanced Training Institute (ATI) and the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP)*
The list could keep going. It appears that there is no lack of advice from others who didn’t experience the same spiritual abuse. Or possibly, if they are like I was, they just haven’t recognized it in their own lives…yet. I hope those who have will share in the comments section how you have handled these types of comments.
Something that helped me in my journey was a term I first heard about a year and a half ago. Are you familiar with the term “Second Generation Adults”? I wasn’t. I was searching to find something — anything — to help me understand what was wrong with me. I stumbled on this phrase and started digging into it. That is when it all began to make sense. You see, our parents were adults when they first attended the IBLP seminars. They had already developed emotionally, physically, and psychologically. They were individuals. They had a “past.” They brought all their previous experiences, good and bad, into this thing called ATI.
As children, we had little to none of this. Some of us entered the program when we were older, but still very much developing and under our parents’ authority. Some of us were born into families who were already part of ATI or similar-type groups. The only identity we have, or much of our identity, is tied to ATI. While our parents were busy chewing up the meat and spitting out the bones, we were eating it — bones and all. For us, there is no former life to return to after figuring out that it was wrong. There was nothing to balance us from anything outside this life that we knew. When a parent heard Bill address authority, they could balance it with all they knew of life and their relationship with God. As children, we had nothing to balance what we were taught. So when someone says, “Can’t you just get over it?” Or, “That was so long ago — let go and trust God,” I ask, “How are we to ‘get over’ the fibers that made us? Where are we supposed to ‘move on’ to? How do we just ‘trust God’ when we’ve been taught he speaks to us through our parents?”
If you would like to learn more about Second Generation Adults, the articles listed below explain this concept in greater detail.
ICSA Second Generation Adult Survivors
Quivering Daughters — The Cultic Family
Four years into this journey, here are a few things I know: Healing is possible, but it takes time. Most people will not understand your journey. Just accept it, and don’t try to make them. Those who truly want to understand will stick with you, ask questions, and encourage you. It will take courage. Find support. If you have none where you live, there are several online recovery groups that have same goal: Healing.
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Cyndi spent ages 9-23 in ATI. The highlight of this time was her time spent in Russia living on the Moscow River. She is currently a single, working mother to three amazing children. She worked in Chicago at the ATI Headquarters and also spent time in Indy, Children's Institutes and various counseling seminars.
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SO true! This has probably been the hardest part about leaving. There is an identity crisis and it is so hard to find balance.
"While our parents were busy chewing up the meat and spitting out the bones, we were eating it — bones and all." I don't think I have ever heard it expressed so well. As adults they were able to hear what was helpful to them but we swallowed it all, even what was spoken in error.
I had to laugh reading through the list of hurtful comments in your article because it was like a checklist. "Yep. I've heard that. Yep, I've heard that one, too." My personal favorite is the comment, "It wasn't all bad. You met your wife in ATI."
Had I met her in Narcotics Anonymous, I doubt anyone would be defending cocaine use.
And you're right. Few people understand this healing journey. And accepting that and not trying to make them understand was probably one of the biggest steps forward within the journey itself.
Though, I'm exceptionally grateful for those who have gone out of their way to TRY to understand and for the fellow travelers I have met along the way.
Ryan, notice that no one has ever tried the opposite of that comment:
"It wasn't all bad. Thanks to ATI, you're still single."
Somehow it doesn't have the same ring... no pun intended.
Good point, Stéphanie! LOL.
Sadly though, I do have a few friends where I would say "Thanks to ATI, you're still single." I think the teachings made them afraid to take ANY chance lest they get their heart broken or somehow miss "God's will."
Wow. You really got so many comments that I've heard, or even used on myself to try to not be so judgmental towards ATI. The hardest thing is that I know ATI to be wrong but so much of it is still ingrained in me that I feel guilty if I have a situation where I don't immediately forgive (just building that castle of bitterness higher and higher!). Thank you for sharing this. peace
So true. Those of us who did not develop our identity and personality before joining ATI have a really hard time when we leave the mindset. We have no identity to go back to. We literally have to create one from scratch. We have to find out what we like and why. Who we are without the mold. It is exhausting.
Great article. Unfortunately, although we as parents may have been chewing up the meat and spitting out the bones, like was implied in the article, I'm afraid most of us were guilty of eating more than we spit out.
I agree that we do have the former life to return after figuring the stuff out, but please don't underestimate the difficultly for us parents who have come out and for those who are coming out of this cult. It is a very hard and painful process.
I do agree believe that it is probably harder on the kids to figure things out.
I agree with Tammy.
<<>>>>>>>>
I keep wondering if the teaching will ever stop rearing it's ugly head!! I still feel somewhat of a prisoner to the lifestyle. It's like a scar....not as painful, but still ugly, still there, always to remind of a past hurt....mostly the hurt of guiding our children in this teaching, the guilt that comes with that, the hurt it did to their relationship with God.
I am starting to realize that God that isn't the terrible, unforgiving God, ready to pounce on us if we didn't follow the steps, ready to curse us for the sins of our forefathers (that verse taken out of context).
Oh, how I wish we had never fallen for this teaching/lifestyle. Understanding God's great love for us and endless mercy and grace, has taken a time for me to trust. Yes, I can disappoint God, but put in the context of an earthly father, I know I don't have to fear his wrath. Fear, healthy fear, of God is so different than the fear taught in ATI.
Hope I made sense, lol
Tammy and Karin, I understand what you are saying. I think parents face a different kind of recovery in many aspects then the children. Now that I am a mother I have a greater sympathy for parents. I know that parents want the best for their kids. And sometimes we make mistakes. And to have to face that and realize we let our kids down is heartbreaking.
I didn't mean to make it sound like parents have an easy road to recovery. Yours is a different road and one that I walk as a child.
As a child, having nothing to return to means years of "empty" when it comes to personality, likes and dislikes, critical thinking and so forth. It's not just undoing the wrong theology, if you can call it that. It is also learning to allow yourself to feel emotions that you should have naturally developed as a child. When I woke up to the fact that my childhood/early adulthood was based on a sham I cried non-stop for three days straight. I didn't even know what to do with that because I had learned to control my tears - and almost all other emotions - from the time I was young.
I'm so glad that parents are reading this website and commenting. Hopefully healing between the generations will become more widespread.
I remember one conversation with my mom, in between 9month stints in Moscow with ATI... I stated some 'universal principle' that I'd picked up during my time at the Moscow training center. She stopped what she was doing, turned to me, and obviously shocked, said something like "Why would you ever think THAT?? We NEVER taught you that!!" My parents gave me a great book to read on the subject that helped me actually think it through and study it out for myself... but I have wondered since why they didn't see that as an indicator of how much I'd swallowed, even though they considered me 'well-grounded' spiritually.
In many ways, I didn't really start thinking for myself until I spent those three years in an ATI training center, and even then, I was no taught to think - the very opposite. I began questioning some of the more ridiculous 'spiritual truths' that I was taught, discovered Galatians in the NT (revelation: this could've been written to US in the MTC!), and began very slowly thinking things through for myself.
I was 20-21 yrs old.
I had been raised in a church that emphasized Grace and practiced a sound hermeneutic in expositional teaching.
My family was NOT completely sold on Gothard... but again, "While our parents were busy chewing up the meat and spitting out the bones, we were eating it — bones and all." =(
Are you comfortable sharing what book it was that your mom gave you? No worries if not, just thought I'd ask. Your parents sound like great people!
Decision Making and the Will of God:
A Biblical Alternative to the Traditional View
by Gary Friesen
Not everybody likes it, naturally, and it is a bit dry.
Still, at the time I really needed some common sense input that didn't involve BG mis-applying whatever scripture he saw fit to prove his point on the topic.
I've heard good things about it. I still need to read it. Even just knowing some of his basic thesis helped me think in terms of seeing "God's will" as being my sanctification, including the fruit of the Spirit and such, regardless of whether I am a software developer, doctor, house painter, school teacher, whatever. The idea of a bull's-eye where one little misstep, say I go out for lunch today instead of eating in the lunch room, causes me to somehow miss God's will - that can really shut a person down.
Holy cow Matthew, something you said just triggered something for me, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
"The idea of a bull's-eye where one little misstep, say I go out for lunch today instead of eating in the lunch room, causes me to somehow miss God's will - that can really shut a person down."
Yes, so if I get into an accident, it's my fault somehow because I was out of God's will? or something? I feel like I'm onto something, not sure what though. Thanks for the comment.
This book was liberating to me. It is a quick, easy read. I realized that not all Christians agonize over making sure they are in the exact-center-of-God's-will-at-all-times-even-as-the-center-can-shift-hourly. I was clearly over-thinking it...and agonizing unneccesarily.
There was another article I read (don't remember the author) that compared God's will to a parking lot. There are parameters but the choice of which slot you want to park your car in is your choice as long as you stay in the parking lot. The idea that God is not so nit-picky was freeing for me.
http://www.amazon.com/Just-Do-Something-Liberating-Approach/dp/0802458386/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1359840437&sr=1-1&keywords=just+do+something
You, Matthew, and Heather have hit the nail on the head! I am a worrier with an active mind by nature, and Gothard's teachings and materials magnified those problems a thousand times over. I would agonize every day over the wrong thoughts I was having, how every little sin I had ever committed was keeping me from ever knowing the will or favor of God, and so forth. My mind was paralyzed day in and day out for all four of the years we were part of ATI, and a long time after that. Over a decade after we left the program, I am still struggling with the shame complex I learned during some of the most formative years of my life.
Smthg very basic that Gothard does NOT emphasize that I got out of it:
If you are faced w/a decision about smthg that is not specifically addressed in scripture, you are free to use the brains God gave you. =)
(gothard just doesn't think christians can handle that kind of freedom.)
Will, that is very true re: Gothard. I remember getting so tripped up for years with the whole idea of "all lights green". When I finally realized that God had given me a brain and that I could actually make good choices without having to hear through every authority, have every scripture to back me, etc. it was extremely freeing.
I'll never forget the feeling when, at 22(?) and married, it began to dawn on me that God could lead me, guide me, and show me His will *directly*. As in, without going through my parents, or even my husband! Not to mention anybody else in my "chain" or "umbrella" of authority. It felt like the sun came up after a long dark night, realizing that God was powerful enough, and personal enough to do that for me. And then I was immediately astounded at the obvious scriptures that jumped into my head and heart, such as "there is but one mediator between God and man, the man Christ Jesus!" How could I have not connected those dots before!? Still fills me with awe and wonder just to think of this. God is so awesome! :)
When God's Holy Spirit indwells, He gives us the desires of our heart. We can know God's perfect will by learning what desires he has put within our own hearts.This is what it is to walk in the Spirit, I believe. I have certainly found much more peace in my heart by learning to listen for the desires of my heart. When you are filled with the Holy Spirit your desires will be good, not evil, though onlookers may not understand. Bur only God knows the heart.
Thank you for this post. Grasping the concept of second generation adults has helped me tremendously in my healing journey out of the IFB.
Some thoughts for all of us in this thread regarding wounding others:
You May Have Legalism (And Not Even Know It) In Your Life…
1. If you believe God’s love for you depends on your efforts or what you do.
2. If you believe God’s love for you depends on how much you have done for Him lately and the love you... have shown him recently.
3. If you fall short in your mind because you need to be a better person, you haven’t prayed enough, or you don’t have enough faith.
4. If you believe God is predisposed to be angry with you because you are a sinner and let’s face it He knows you can do better.
5. If you know God’s law but don’t have a personal relationship with Him.
6. If you focus more on your fellow Christians church attendance, tithing, version of the Bible, outward appearance rather than getting to know others and accepting them where they’re at in their walk with the Lord.
7. If you have grown accustomed to living by the expectations of others, especially those in positions of authority or your local church, as this is essential to your life.
8. If your sense of worth is based on the opinions of a Christian leader, your reputation, your church membership, or a group’s opinion of you rather than a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
9. If you are more concerned with your reputation than with heart change in your life conforming to Christ.
10. If you tell your children not to do something at church or around other Christian families that you allow in your home or elsewhere.
11. If you believe that what people wear, skirt length, swimsuit type, tattoos, piercings, hairstyle, length of hair, etc. is a clear indication of a person’s spiritual maturity and character.
12. You look at people’s lives and instinctively judge them rather than see them through God’s eyes – a work in progress for those who Believe and potential children of God for those who do not.
13. You believe you’re standards somehow make you superior to others.
14. When you miss a service or program at your church, even with a legitimate reason, you feel guilty.
15. You’re so loyal to man-made tradition you don’t think any significant change could possibly be from God.
16. You believe you’re church/denomination is the only group really focused on teaching God’s Word.
17. You believe that those who have been divorced are less valuable in the eyes of God and you feel superior to them.
18. You believe that how your kids turn out is solely your responsibility and the measurement of your success or lack there-of as a Christian parent.
19. You believe that even associating much less discussing ideas with those different than you is sinful compromise.
20. If you believe that the expression of spiritual gifts (provided by the Holy Spirit) is evidence of one’s personal walk with God.
The truth is some of this advise is biblical and should be followed (Forgive, God works all things out for our good). It is in the how, why, and who factors of its communication that often makes it painful. I made the mistake of asking an young authority at a IBLP related location why he had never apologized for how he and another person mistreated me and he defensively replied that I should just forgive and was ignoring 1 Corinthians 13. Fortunately the authority over him was more willing to listen.
"God works all things for our good" actually helped me get over being spiritually abused and sent home from ALERT (My then unknown ADD made following all the rules and regulations difficulty and revealed some character flaws).Repeating Romans 8 to myself really helped. Still I was wounded by how the system of ALERT is set up to prove the recruit's faith by claiming that completion of requirements there are "works" that prove faith. The chaplain would rally us by asking us if we are going to prove our faith and a common statement was, to an effect, "if you don't try hard after praying to God is like a slapping His face." A cadre actually pronounced to me that I didn't know God personally. For a long time I struggled with a desire to prove my faith. By God's grace this wound was eventually healed. But then years later authorities at another IBLP related location were telling me to prove my faith by my works but then ignored when I told I had been doing what they were accusing me of not doing. One of them snidely and without any sympathy asked if I really thought God loved me. This brought back memories and opened up the old wound from ALERT. Now I am having to seek God's grace to re-close the old wound and heal the knew. Please pray that I can totally forgive and that God would pour out His grace upon me.
"... authorities at another IBLP related location were telling me to prove my faith by my works but then ignored when I told I had been doing what they were accusing me of not doing. One of them snidely and without any sympathy asked if I really thought God loved me."
It hurts so bad to offer up your attempts and be told that you are lacking, and that by someone who seems to be sitting 'in the seat of Moses.' May God hear your prayer and bring some special moments of healing to you even this week.
Why is it when people tells about how we've been hurt do we feel like we need to write them a sermon? A simply "I am sorry. I understand. I'll pray that the Spirit will help you to forgive" would suffice.