Most of us have been there. You venture outside your pain and tell someone you have been spiritually abused. You test the waters, saying, “I’ve been hurt.” Sadly, others, especially those who profess Christ, can utter words that cut deep, invalidate your experience, and leave you like the traveler on the side of the road, bruised and bleeding.

I’ve asked some friends who are also on the road to recovery what comments have hurt them most. While this is something I wish we didn’t have to write about, it’s necessary. Necessary because chances are you will hear (or have already heard) some of them as well. I want you to know that you are not alone, that spiritual abuse is real, and that your journey to find grace is valid.

*Please note that several on this list are specific to the Advanced Training Institute (ATI) and the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP)*

• Everything works together for good to those who love God.
• Bill meant well. His heart was right.
• You may feel you had some negative experiences, but that is where God chose to have our family when we made the decision to join ATI.
• He is just a man, you can’t expect him to be perfect.
• But there was some good in it.
• You met your spouse through ATI; you should be grateful.
• It’s not like it was abuse. It was just “Christian” training that was much more strict.
• You need to forgive.
• You sound very bitter.
• Don’t talk to anyone about this; you don’t want to ruin reputations. We aren’t supposed to talk negatively about other believers.
• It wasn’t that bad. You need to forgive and move on.
• That was years ago. Shouldn’t you be past that by now?
• You must have misunderstood.
• If it was so bad, why did you stay?
• Don’t give a bad report.
• Aren’t you taking this a bit out of proportion?
• Can’t you just get over it? I’m sure your authority was only doing what’s best for you. Nobody’s perfect, so just forgive and forget.
• In the beginning ATI wasn’t like it is now.
• The principles are good — it’s just how some families badly applied them.
• Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.
• Don’t touch God’s anointed. (Bill Gothard actually said this, referring to himself)

The list could keep going. It appears that there is no lack of advice from others who didn’t experience the same spiritual abuse. Or possibly, if they are like I was, they just haven’t recognized it in their own lives…yet. I hope those who have will share in the comments section how you have handled these types of comments.

Something that helped me in my journey was a term I first heard about a year and a half ago. Are you familiar with the term “Second Generation Adults”? I wasn’t. I was searching to find something — anything — to help me understand what was wrong with me. I stumbled on this phrase and started digging into it. That is when it all began to make sense. You see, our parents were adults when they first attended the IBLP seminars. They had already developed emotionally, physically, and psychologically. They were individuals. They had a “past.” They brought all their previous experiences, good and bad, into this thing called ATI.

As children, we had little to none of this. Some of us entered the program when we were older, but still very much developing and under our parents’ authority. Some of us were born into families who were already part of ATI or similar-type groups. The only identity we have, or much of our identity, is tied to ATI. While our parents were busy chewing up the meat and spitting out the bones, we were eating it — bones and all. For us, there is no former life to return to after figuring out that it was wrong. There was nothing to balance us from anything outside this life that we knew. When a parent heard Bill address authority, they could balance it with all they knew of life and their relationship with God. As children, we had nothing to balance what we were taught. So when someone says, “Can’t you just get over it?” Or, “That was so long ago — let go and trust God,” I ask, “How are we to ‘get over’ the fibers that made us? Where are we supposed to ‘move on’ to? How do we just ‘trust God’ when we’ve been taught he speaks to us through our parents?”

If you would like to learn more about Second Generation Adults, the articles listed below explain this concept in greater detail.

ICSA Second Generation Adult Survivors

Quivering Daughters — The Cultic Family

Four years into this journey, here are a few things I know: Healing is possible, but it takes time. Most people will not understand your journey. Just accept it, and don’t try to make them. Those who truly want to understand will stick with you, ask questions, and encourage you. It will take courage. Find support. If you have none where you live, there are several online recovery groups that have same goal: Healing.