Bill Gothard’s courtship literature promises rewards to those who do courtship right and consequences for those who date — rewards and consequences that are not promised in Scripture. I’ll take examples from Gothard’s recent courtship teaching, then share my own experience with courtship and dating.
In the article “What Is Courtship?” Gothard lists the Foundational Principles of Courtship as:
1. Ensure the blessing of God (“Courtship is experiencing the blessing of God by loving the Lord Jesus Christ and honoring both sets of parents.”)
2. Love the Lord Jesus Christ (“One way of loving God and others is to keep the commands of Christ, especially as they relate to marriage.”)
3. Honor parents (“The foundational command for the happiness and success of any marriage is ‘Honor thy father and thy mother’.”)
4. Determine marriage readiness (“Is the young man sanctifying himself by engrafting Scripture into his heart and soul, so that he can cleanse his wife by the Word?”)
5. Discern God’s will (“If one party has been married and divorced, and the previous partner is still living, it would not be God’s will for that individual to marry another person.”)
6. Establish a covenant marriage (“Any minister who allows for divorce and remarriage, but leads a couple in the vows ‘till death do us part,’ must answer to God for lying to Him and causing a couple to lie to God.”)
7. Benefit the world (“Those who are married with the blessing of God and their parents are ‘heirs together of the grace of life’ (I Peter 3:7) and can raise up sons and daughters who are mighty in God’s Spirit.”)
Claiming all the things on this list for courtship suggests that we are wrong and at high risk if we don’t do things the way Gothard lays out. By his description, “one of the primary motivations behind courtship (as opposed to dating) is the protection of the emotions of those involved,” implying that motivations are only good if one has chosen courtship instead of dating. In fact, each of the Principles for Courtship has an implied opposite for those who choose dating over Gothard’s parent-centered courting.
If a person dates, these Principles for Courtship imply that the person…
1. Risks or ensures that they won’t have God’s blessing (“No couple will have a happy or prosperous marriage without the blessing of the Lord. If God does not bless them, the devourer will damage and destroy their present and future joy and potential.”)
2. Calls into question whether they love the Lord Jesus Christ
3. Dishonors their parents (“If we say that a person over eighteen years of age has the legal right to make his own marriage decisions, regardless of whether those decisions please his parents or not, we are making the Law of God of no effect by our traditions.”)
4. Does not know whether they are ready to marry (“There are many practical considerations that parents need to evaluate before giving their blessing to a marriage.”)
5. Is not able to discern God’s will in the absence of parental control (“Since God has given the father of the girl the responsibility to protect her purity (see Deuteronomy 22:15) and the father of the young man the responsibility to evaluate his son’s wisdom (see Proverbs 10:1), God’s first line of direction will be through them.”)
6. Plans for a marriage that will be only a contract, not a covenant (“Marriage is not a contract between two people; it is a sacred covenant between two people, two families, and God, with witnesses to the vows.”)
7. Is going to be of little benefit to the world
If we analyze the manipulation factor in this article, we see Gothard’s favorite technique of “appealing to the conscience,” which usually means bypassing appeals to the mind and instead stirring up emotions, in this case guilt and fear. We are meant to read and feel the list this way: If a person dates instead of courting, then that person won’t experience the blessing of God, doesn’t love Jesus, isn’t honoring both sets of parents, isn’t being properly evaluated to determine readiness for marriage, probably isn’t ready for marriage, isn’t discerning the will of God, and will have a marriage of no benefit to the world. That isn’t what the list says, but that is what is meant to come into your “conscience” when you read it.
Gothard sets his courtship ideas next to unrelated Biblical ideas quotations and hopes they’ll all blur together. He says, “no couple will have a happy or prosperous marriage without the blessing of the Lord.” Nowhere does the Bible say that in order to receive God’s blessing we have to be committed to ATI-style courtship, or that God won’t bless a couple that marries after dating. The Scriptures Gothard includes don’t mention preparing for marriage, but they are used to provoke alarm in those who don’t practice courtship.
1. “Blessed is every one that feareth the LORD; that walketh in his ways.” (See, dating is for those who don’t fear the Lord!)
2. “If ye love me, keep my commandments…. He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.” (Dating is for those who don’t keep God’s commandments, and they won’t experience God! Of course Gothard can cite absolutely no Biblical command to court, since there’s not one to cite.)
3. “Blessed is the man that feareth the Lord, that delighteth greatly in his commandments. His seed shall be mighty upon earth: the generation of the upright shall be blessed.” (We want our seed to be mighty, upright, and blessed, so we’d better court so our kids turn out right!)
4. “For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him. (Who wants to be guilty of this? Better court, because dating is a curse on your parents!)
This is how ATI youth are ensnared into making so many commitments. This is how I was pressured into making a courtship commitment. I wanted to obey Scripture, but I hadn’t thought about the fact that none of the Scriptures say anything about courtship versus dating! None of them even mention it, because courtship is Gothard’s idea. He chooses Scriptures that would fit just about anything he tried to make them fit. All these Scriptures could be easily tacked on to an article about how arranged marriages are Biblical.
The pressure is overwhelming to parents as well. Parents want their child to be in right standing with God, and ATI parents feel Gothard has opened their eyes to something they never before knew was important (because it is nowhere in the Bible). They are eager to coax their youth into committing to courtship.
I was committed to courtship, and it left me very disillusioned about marriage. I had gone to ATI training centers and met great guys, but I was not there to meet guys to marry. At home, though, I wasn’t around any great guys. I believed God was going to have to literally drop a guy between my bedroom and the laundry room. My whole life was waiting on Him to bring the guy while I was busy helping my parents. It wasn’t until I was 23 that I realized how irresponsible I was being. God gave me my own life, and I was wasting it waiting for courtship.
I began to get on with my life and follow the dreams He had given me. It took quite a bit of healing and growing, but God helped me each step of the way. I eventually left my parents’ house and lived on my own for two years. Nowhere does the Bible say it is wrong for a woman to live on her own, or that it will bring dangers on her for “stepping out from under authority.” I went to a nearby church where I had felt closest to God as a child. I was wrapped in love and help there, and it was there that I met Jon. We dated for three months before we got married, and I can honestly tell you that it was God directed. I was 25 and he was 29. I couldn’t believe that God had saved such an awesome guy for me, one who was so perfect for me!
I thought that my parents would never approve, because they hadn’t been the ones to choose him or decide whether I was ready. When they first heard about Jon and me dating they tried to get me to go to college for my music degree, something I had wanted, but by then I was already an established piano teacher and had taken responsibility for my own life. As they started hearing good reports about Jon, they warmed up to him. The night Jon asked for my dad’s blessing was a night I will never forget! My mom already like Jon, and asked us to come over right away because my dad was tired. We did, and dad told Jon that he was worried about Jon’s salvation. Jon gave dad his testimony of how and when he had accepted Christ, and my dad gave Jon his blessing. I was stunned. It was a miracle of God!
What amazes me is that…
1. We have the blessing of God on our marriage.
2. We both love the Lord Jesus Christ.
3. We honor our parents with our lives, not with blind obedience.
4. We determined our own readiness to marry.
5. It was God’s will, and we knew it.
6. It is a covenant marriage.
7. It is benefiting the world.
All this, and we didn’t court. We have the blessings, not the curses.
We have been married 10 years and have three beautiful children. Two have accepted Jesus as their Savior; the third is only two years old. I thank God for this life of freedom from the man-made rules and formulas that used to dictate my life. I thank Him for giving us the Bible to show us the life of love and acceptance that He has for us. God is still directing my life, not through my parents, but through the relationship that I have with Him!
It's so annoying how Gothard's definitions are rarely actual definitions: "Courtship is experiencing the blessing of God by loving the Lord Jesus Christ and honoring both sets of parents." No. That's not the definition of courtship.
I'm so glad for God's blessing in your life and that you're enjoying a relationship with God with only ONE mediator between you and Him -- Jesus Christ our Lord -- not your parents or any other human.
Thank you for sharing your story. What a beautiful testimony and an excellent analysis of celibate Gothard's courtship plan.
It truly is astounding how extra-biblical (not to mention full of logical fallacies, such as the appeal to emotion) these "courtship principles" really are. It would almost be laughable if it didn't hit so close to home. I was taught these same courtship principles in ATI over 15 years ago, and now I'm seeing numerous negative repercussions of this teaching in my own life and in many of my peers.
What amazes me is that a certain woman found marital happiness without using Mr. Bill’s Magic Pills of Courtship I Wills (or Else) Here are the 7 steps she followed.
1. She led a life of broken relationships.
2. Her poverty stricken aunt and uncle loved her and prayed for her.
3. She got saved.
4. She met an unsaved man who smoked pot.
5. God said marry him. She did.
6. He got saved (and quit smoking pot).
7. They are benefiting their world in their little town in NE Texas.
Disclaimer-There will be no seminars to attend, no booklets to read and no guilt to be had based on the 7 steps listed above as they are meant for that one particular woman only and will not work for anyone else.
I love this, esbee, love this!
My dear you are wonderful,like ur comment and it's the true;a lot of them run from it........
Esbee thanks.
#RomanceProsperityGospel
(RPG — same initials as Role-Playing Game. A total fantasy.)
Great job in pointing out the errors in Gothard's teachings on courtship!
Lately I was trying to remember exactly what I was taught about courtship that made me believe all the things I did. Mind blowing and nauseating to read your summary, and even worse, click over to the the article on the IBLP site. What a sickening trip down memory lane...
Having been away from the ATI craziness for years now, it's just so shocking that this made logical sense to *anyone*. That we actually heard this teaching and accepted it as truth. He's not even explaining how a courtship relationship would work, or giving any logical reasoning behind it - just a bunch of loose, but heavy handed platitudes focusing on courtship being the *only* way that God could bring two people together in marriage.
Madness.
If you're a single woman reading this, and waiting for a man to fall out of the sky, please be encouraged to get on with your own life. I thought Gothard was a bit strange when I went to my one and only seminar. My church went on with him, but I went off to college. If I had called my parents and asked permission for all the things Gothard said I should, I would have never had the happy life I have today as a grownup single woman. My parents were not believers and their ideas about happiness and blessing were not at all biblical. Although still single (not a sin,by the way), I enjoy my career and church ministry. I am also able to support myself!
So....according to Gothardism, if I don't do things according to what He calls, "God's ways," such as courtship -- really regarding ANYTHING -- then I outside of God's blessing and really under a curse? This is, of course, the VERY DEFINITION of legalism. This spirit is all through Gothardism on every level -- submission to authority determines God's blessings, tithing, etc. -- MY works determine God's blessing or curse. But the apostle Paul never wrote that if we keep laws and principles that we insure God's blessings. Rather, he wrote, "For as many who are under the works of the law are under a curse." (Gal 3:10) Note that it isn't the law that is the issue -- it is the fact that we are trying to use even a good law from God to merit His blessings or avoid his curse. With Gothardism, however, even his teachings wrong. His Christianity is a false one -- "another gospel."
Christianity is NOT a list of rules we follow to maintain God's blessings. How many times does God have to write this in the Bible? Christianity is CHRIST IN US, and neither circumcision nor uncircumcision -- keeping laws in the flesh -- avails anything, but a NEW CREATION.
If I don't follow Gothard's principles for courtship, my marriage is not going to be blessed? How about all the "poor souls" who don't know Gothard's principles? How about if I stumble once or twice in courtship? How about if I violate Gothard's laws -- can I repent? The fact is, there are millions of happy marriages for those who have nothing to do with Gothardism. And there are likewise thousands of marriages, and families, who are miserable because they follow the teachings of this heretic. The difference is that those who are miserable under his legalism have also been taught that it is wrong to say so -- they have been taught to put on a happy face -- for this too will affect God's blessing. True Christianity is not a facade glued together with laws and with fear. It is grace and peace because we know and love Jesus Christ.
Thank you for writing this! You have blessed my life.
The more I discover about things I wasn't clear on in Gothard's movement, the more I see a works/fear based religion rather than a faith-based relationship with God. I am so glad God preserved me from being more deeply effected.