Humble and proud.
Guilty and righteous.
Loving and judging.
They sound like opposites, don’t they? Maybe that is because they are. However, during my time in ATI, they often were so mixed that I was a bit confused as to their meaning.
It was totally unacceptable to be proud, of course. God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. (James 4:6) So we would do various things to make sure we stayed humble. Sometimes this meant doing things to humble ourselves (menial chores, obeying an authority when we didn’t want to, or asking forgiveness even if we weren’t really wrong). Sometimes it meant inwardly berating ourselves for our weaknesses and sins. Sometimes it meant letting someone else berate . . . er . . . encourage us. On the other hand, it could mean flaunting our humility – sharing a story in such a way that everyone listening could see how humbly we had behaved. But of course, we could never actually claim to be humble either, because that would be prideful.
Did it matter whether we really were humble in heart? Well, no, not really. Supposedly it did, but what really mattered was that we looked humble to those around us, especially our authorities. This could lead to two extremes, and they could both be true at the same time: self-loathing and/or secret pride in our “humility.”
We also knew that we were supposed to be righteous. That meant doing all the right things and being sure to follow all the rules – written or unwritten. There were a lot of unwritten rules. Our “righteousness” was judged by outward things: clothing, hair style, what emotions we let be seen, how hard we worked (genuine productivity might or might not be included in that), how faithfully we attended meetings and nodded at the right points, etc.
Failing in any of these areas, we would feel guilt. If we didn’t feel it on our own, we would be sure to feel guilty and ashamed after being rebuked. Sometimes this rebuke would come from people around us, sometimes through a sermon or a talk by some authority figure, or from something we read in Scripture. Often the Scripture we read would not really be condemning us, but because various words had been given different or extended meanings (programming), we often took it that way. A random example: we might read about Abraham letting Lot have first choice of the land. Rather than rejoice that Abraham had been so giving towards Lot, we would feel guilty because we had disagreed with someone the day before. False guilt, yes, but we didn’t know that.
This weird relationship between righteousness and guilt led to something that I still have great difficulty describing. But we actually came to look forward to and delight in times of heavy guilt. It felt to us like we were making progress spiritually if we were being “convicted” (i.e. condemned and shamed). We could then “repent” and ask forgiveness of whoever we had wronged and be considered to be at a higher spiritual level afterwards. The shame would be accompanied by an adrenaline rush and then a peace after things were resolved. If we weren’t regularly being “convicted” about things, then how could we prove our humility in listening to the Lord?
Most of the time it was considered shameful to have problems. But in situations like I described above, there was actually a glory or an honor in having a problem and “resolving” it. This was especially true if, in the process, we became committed to a “higher standard.” Bonus points if we shared our testimony about it in front of a group of people.
All these high standards, of course, eventually led to us looking down on those who didn’t or wouldn’t live up to our standards of outward conduct. We didn’t call this judging, though. We called it “discernment.” We could discern (in “love”) that other people had problems that we could help them with. All we had to do was convince them to do things the way we did. If we could just get them to conform, that would really prove our higher spiritual status.
What a mess!!! If you are thinking that this resembles the Pharisees, you are correct. I definitely was a pharisee. I was sure that I was part of a very special group who would get very special blessings because of the very special commitment we had to following God’s ways.
I remember so clearly the first time I read Romans 14. I was in the middle of a situation where I was trying to get others to conform to my convictions. I read it, blinked, and re-read it. Paused, took a deep breath, and read it again. I thought sure God had it all wrong.
“Now accept the one who is weak in faith, but not for the purpose of passing judgment on his opinions. One person has faith that he may eat all things, but he who is weak eats vegetables only. The one who eats is not to regard with contempt the one who does not eat, and the one who does not eat is not to judge the one who eats, for God has accepted him. Who are you to judge the servant of another? To his own master he stands or falls; and he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.” Romans 14:1-4 NASB
Wait. God is calling the brother with higher standards the weaker brother?!?!? I was taught that the one with the higher standards was the stronger brother. I was stunned, incredulous, disbelieving. It couldn’t be. But God had said it. And God said I wasn’t to judge others. God was going to make sure the weaker…er…*cough* stronger brothers would stand as well as the others? Well, ok, maybe.
I memorized that chapter, thought about it a lot, and struggled to believe it. At the time, I was not able to shift my belief totally, but the concept that God doesn’t want us demanding that others live up to our expectations became a seed deep in my heart. It lay dormant for many a year, but did bear fruit eventually.
by Kiery King
Now, I understand that humility is not something that earns me anything. It comes as a result of seeing how much God loves me even when I totally mess things up. Righteousness comes from Jesus. I have none of my own. But He lives in me and does right through me. My job is to listen to Him, not to make rules for myself. Love is my only rule. Judging right from wrong is now based on what is loving, not on superficial things like appearance.
“But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire compassion, and not sacrifice,’ for I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” Matthew 9:13 NASB
God desires compassion. Not the sacrifice of higher standards, more commitment, or greater works. Compassion.
Love God. Love people.
You articulated the life of opposites very well! My journals (we weren't supposed to keep diaries, remember?) from those years are nearly unreadable, as they're full of both self-loathing and superiority.
I remember that Romans passage confusing me, too, but I assumed I just couldn't understand it properly. It actually exhausted me, trying to understand Scripture, because it meant sitting through an hour-long lecture and then trying to get all the pieces to line up so you could get to the right conclusion.
Seriously, what an upside-down view of Christian life Paul gives! The stronger Christians are the ones who "may" do more than the weaker ones. It's exactly the opposite of what ATI teaches.
Thanks for taking the time to write out your thoughts.
How funny that I'm reading this today after just writing about it recently! I too used to be so puzzled over Romans 14. I remember hearing a sermon on it once and thinking the pastor must be confused! It's sad that I was that blind.
Sara and Becky, isn't it amazing how hard it was to see Scripture at face value because of the things we had already been taught? We were told that what we were taught was Biblical, and that was followed with at least fragments of verses that seemed to prove it. So then, when we actually read Scripture, it was confusing. How sad.
Becky, may I read what you wrote? You can email it, if you wish. [email protected]
great thoughts! what a journey!!!
It's amazing the specific teachings for the church that get overlooked in a legalistic church\organization.
Often those who claim the loudest to base their lives on the Scriptures seem to be the ones who actually miss the most of the foundational truths of a Grace-based life with God revealed in the New Testament.
How such foundational passages as Rom.14 are neglected is beyond me, but it's always fun to say, "You know, I think we're talking about something within the sphere of Christian liberty. the Bible does address what to do when believers differ in their convictions as to what is right or wrong...remember what Rom.14 says?"
The surprised responses (and sometimes grateful) make the time and effort worthwhile. =)
“But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire compassion, and not sacrifice,’ for I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”
Eliza - I remember being told over and over that Obedience is better than Sacrifice. How I wish that instead I had been taught the verse you gave - that God's desire is compassion, not sacrifice. What a difference this would have made in my life all the years I was living under false guilt and pride.
Thank you for sharing. I can relate only too well.
"We also knew that we were supposed to be righteous. That meant doing all the right things and being sure to follow all the rules – written or unwritten. There were a lot of unwritten rules. Our “righteousness” was judged by outward things: clothing, hair style, what emotions we let be seen, how hard we worked (genuine productivity might or might not be included in that), how faithfully we attended meetings and nodded at the right points, etc."
Some of this seemed wrong to me, intuitively, having grown up in a healthy church environment. Still, somehow, I hadn't been prepared/trained to recognize a spiritually abusive environment.
Sure, some of that was my fault, at 18/19, I could've done a lot more studying/reading, developed more critical thinking skills, etc. But I hadn't, and my parents trusted the Institute to treat me well and train me well.
What's ironic is that even when warning bells did go off, my parents rightly dismissed the ridiculous "standards of righteousness," but thought I could work through it all on my own. (Not blaming them, I myself couldn't begin to explain to them how different life was in the training center.)
They received a phone call from the international director of Russian Ministry expressing concerns about my spiritual state. "Will doesn't smile enough" was the gist of the concern expressed. My parents responded that maybe I didn't have to smile all the time, maybe I was tired or upset, etc... =)
Yes, a very small symptom, but it was really puzzling, trying to work through it on one's own - knowing that there was more to life with God than all the outward rigmarole that was expected of us... but being told that all that outward conformance was true spirituality. Fun times, for sure.
Christianity is ever so simple and man makes it complicated. Trust Jesu for salvation, trust in Jesus as we walk and fall in this life and trust Jesus to bring us into His presence.
So much hypocricy was lived out in the training centers. It was very sad when truely saved and Godfearing people were demoralized because they didn't know how to play the "training center" game. I saw it nearly destroy one of my daughters because she didn't know how to play the game and because I was a peon in the training center. She really tried hard to do right and was constantly blamed for doing and thinking wrongly only because of how she looked (she is beautiful and well endowed), and because she was from a divorced family. I was told that all kids lie, so oviously she was lying to me and chasing after the boys that THEY blamed her for liking.After all, she was fatherless and that meant she had weaknesses that other girls didn't have. Right, they need to look at the sins that went on under Mr. Gothard's own nose. It was hell for her and when we were sent to another training center, they had forewarned them of her.She couldn't even go and prove herself at a new place because they already had pegged her as a certain kind of girl. She was far from that kind of girl. She was constantly in trouble for, believe it or not, NOTHING.I thought that they would treat my"fatherless" daughter well and protect her as he taught in his seminars. On-the-contrary, she was treated horribly. Just about everything that Mr. Gothard taught was not lived out in his ministry.
No grace = no love... Martin Luther didn't get sent to the dungeon for nothing.
Also, scriptures say that "...man looks on the outward apprearence but God looks on the heart".
Denise, I am so sorry that was the experience for you and your daughter!!! Yes, I saw much of that. I remember realizing one time that I had been labeled a flirt!! I was dumb-founded and embarrassed. Luckily, for me, I think I was able to prove that I wasn't but I am not sure what was said behind my back.... so sad.
I would just say that even though you can't see me or the people who monitor this website, there is genuine love here for you and your daughter!!!! May God bless you both as you continue on the journey of seeing His grace toward you as so free and freeing!!!
Hugs!!!!!
Jesus made it so simple for us!!! Why do we strive to make it so complicated? It is a weakness for sure that we feel we need to be a certain way or do certain things to get His approval!!!
I am so grateful because even if there was a list, it wouldn't be Mr. Gothard's, it would probably be the one from Exodus!!! And He already proved that we couldn't follow that list and that is why He sent us Jesus!!! To restore relationship with Him, without our own effort!!! It is so awesome!!!
Really awesome article!!! I love it!!!