When I was in my early 20’s I spent about 13 months working at an ACE school in Mexico. It so happened that one of my brother’s friends, a guy I had met previously at the IBLP (Institute in Basic Life Principles) Dallas Training Center, lived there as well. His family would frequently have me over for meals: I enjoyed the chance to eat some American food, speak English, and generally hang out.

Since this guy was a friend of my brother, I didn’t think it was strange at all that his family invited me over. Turns out, however, that they saw it as a God-given opportunity for their son and me to get to know each other better. He and I did become friends, enjoying humor, discussing Shakespeare, and sharing many of the same experiences as Advanced Training Institute (ATI) students. When I returned home from Mexico, his dad contacted my dad, and I learned that he wanted to court me. I was a little surprised, but thought, “Well, I like him as a friend, and I’d hate to say no to a courtship just because I don’t have any romantic interest. After all, it’s a chance for him to win my heart.”

During my involvement with ATI, I had heard stories of couples who had courted, when one or both of the parties wasn’t initially interested in the other. Yet, God worked in their hearts and they fell in love. Looking back on my situation, agreeing to this courtship was a mistake.

There were a lot of difficult thing for me during this time, but one of the hardest was interacting with ATI friends and acquaintances who excitedly congratulated me, assuming this young man and I would soon be married, simply because we were courting. Deep down, however, I knew that a marriage to this young man would never happen. I knew that my feelings for him weren’t the same as the feelings he indicated to me. I felt sick, and even a little hypocritical, each time I responded graciously to these well-wishers.

Within a few months, when it became clear to me that his winning my heart wasn’t going to happen–ever, I did what any good ATI girl would do: I got my dad to call his dad to call the whole thing off. By this time, his family had announced the courtship in a family newsletter. In addition to all of my friends, a large group of strangers also knew about the courtship. It was a bad situation all around. He was a really nice guy with a heart for God and was genuinely planning to marry me, and I just wasn’t interested.

Looking back, I regret that I didn’t call him myself. Calling him personally would have been the decent thing to do; I took the easy route, I think, because I found myself irritated about the entire courtship model. It’s as if I thought, “You dads got us into this mess to begin with; now you clean it up!” I should mention that I had a rocky relationship with my dad (actually my stepfather, who had adopted me when he and my mom married) throughout my teens. Trusting my heart to him was not a concept I embraced, even though I was trying to be submissive to my authorities and to seek God’s guidance with my parents’ help.

After the courtship ended, I spent the next year and a half volunteering with IBLP in Honduras, Mexico, and at the Dallas Training Center, even though my family was no longer enrolled in ATI. Old habits die hard, and I had made a number of good friends through ATI. Eventually, though, I decided that I wanted to pursue nursing school so I left IBLP and moved back home so that I could attend an inexpensive state school.

About this time, I began to evaluate the “standards” I had been taught through ATI (including courtship). I couldn’t help feeling many were external, legalistic, and unnecessary. I felt freedom to jettison many of these standards and even to start dating. As I embraced this new-found freedom, I slowly stopped judging others and myself. And, I started learning how to enjoy life!

I’m not sure when exactly this happened, but during that time frame, I made two really firm resolutions:

1) I’d never, ever go through another courtship.

2) I’d never date anyone to whom I wasn’t already attracted.

Subconsciously, I also determined that I would not go on any date that was set up by someone else, nor would I date any guy that seemed to like me more than I liked him.

The next time someone wanted to court me, I said, “No.” When really sweet people from my church wanted to set me up with their wonderful single nephew, I said, “No.” When one of my best friends wanted me to meet her husband’s good friend (who it turns out actually is a great guy), I said “No.”

I’d been so burned by my experience with courtship, I just shut down any possibility of a serious relationship for about five years, unless it was someone that I alone had met – no family, church or friends involved. I casually dated during this time, but I was completely uncomfortable with the possibility of any real, long-term relationship.

In my last semester of nursing school, I met a Computer Science major named Matt in a fitness swimming class. In addition to being one of the few people on the planet who looks good in a Speedo, he met the qualification of not knowing anyone in my family or church, and he only barely knew one of my friends. A further plus for me was that he did not know a thing about courtship and had never heard of the Basic Seminar or Bill Gothard. I took a relaxed approach to our relationship. It was hard to overcome the mindset I’d adopted as a result of courtship teachings: “If I get this wrong, and miss the will of God in this area, I will make a mistake that will ruin my entire future existence.”

Eventually, I realized that not only did I enjoy spending time with him, I also thought that he would make a great dad, and that I wanted to wake up next to him for the rest of my life. We took our time getting to know each other, and about a year after we met, Matt asked me to marry him. We married eight months later in a simple garden ceremony attended by family, friends and church family. This was such a different experience from the courtship, where I felt we would have been rushed to marry quickly.

In hindsight, it could have turned out so badly–marrying someone I did not love. I believe it was God’s grace and love leading me to Matt. He has been perfect for me! We will celebrate our sixth wedding anniversary next month, and are both so thankful for God’s leading.