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If the topic of forgiveness just triggers panic or fear in you, I understand. It’s not the right time for you to work on this. There are other things to work on first. If you experience forgiveness as a kind of ‘have to’ or if you experience it as a kind of bondage – or even abuse – just skip this issue for now. There may be an appropriate time a little later. But you do NOT have to get this right today. Whatever forgiveness is really about, it is NOT about “getting it right” or doing it “right now” because you are “supposed to.”
It is true that forgiveness can be one of the most important tools of our recovery journey. Properly applied, forgiveness confronts evil with the demands of justice while it responds to dysfunction with grace and healing. It can give hope and it can jump-start reconciliation. It acknowledges and deals honestly with the flaws, failures and fallibility existent in every person and every relationship.
But, it is also true that forgiveness, as it is commonly practiced, frequently morphs into a weapon in the arsenal of dysfunction. It has all too often been destructive instead of constructive. Forgiveness, or what passes for it, can do more harm than good. With subtle self-deception our abuse of the forgiveness process can produce increased injury instead of healing.
As I have looked at forgiveness in my closest relationships I can see that I have often practiced a brand of forgiveness which is tainted by self-deception and destruction. That which was intended to mend became manipulative and damaging.
Early in both my Christian experience and my marriage I was quite fearful of being abandoned. Distance had dominated my childhood and I can now see that I was terrified that adulthood would be a reenactment of the loneliness and rejection I had experienced earlier in life. I longed for a closeness which had largely eluded me. Marriage seemed to be the solution! It seemed like a magic carpet I could ride to places where I would be completely safe from the fear of abandonment. Enter conflict. As conflict inevitably occurred in my marriage I found myself desperate to have some control over my experience of ‘togetherness.’ I was desperate to protect my supply of ‘connection’ and ‘intimacy.’ It is now clear to me that I would do whatever I had to do to ensure I would not be abandoned.
Very quickly I learned a kind of pseudo-forgiveness process that allowed me to control Sara’s distance and to calm my own fears. At the slightest provocation I would rush to ask, “Will you forgive me for _________?” I was taught, and believed, that the more humble and specific I could be, the better forgiveness would work. So, I practiced hard. I was highly motivated. I would do whatever needed to be done to get to the moment when she said “Yes, I will forgive you.” My insecurities and fears would subside for a while but the cycle would soon be activated again and we would dance this strange and meaningless dance many, many times. At the time I managed to trick myself into believing that this was what genuine forgiveness looked like. As I look back on it now, I understand it was a lot more about manipulating Sara to pacify my fears than it was about sincerely owning my wrongs. I passionately and unwittingly sought to give her no option but to calm the fears which our conflict had revealed in me. Pseudo forgiveness became just another kind of controlling behavior. It allowed me to pretend that “everything is all better now” without any need for real change.
Conflicts, sins, disagreements, faults, and failures can not be wiped away by one swipe of the forgiveness rag. That slight of hand does not work. It just buys you a little time, until the next time and the next time and the time after that. It is critical to come to understand that the complicated stuff of repetitive personal failure and addiction is not wiped away so easily. Forgiveness does not necessarily make it all better. When change is needed, forgiving and seeking forgiveness does not by itself produce the change. Surely, it acknowledges the need for change but it does not produce the change. A quality intimate relationship is not built by simply seeking and granting forgiveness. Painful and progressive change over time is required.
Even in our relationship with God we can fool ourselves into thinking everything is okay as long as we have our confessions up to date. This reduces our relationship with God to the counterproductive cycle of sin then confess, sin then confess, sin then confess. This does not build a relationship with God – just like it can’t build a relationship with a spouse, or a friend. Our relationships require much more than simply acknowledging that some wrong has occurred. When change is required, false forgiveness is a cheap dysfunctional substitute. I know. I’ve tried! I used “Will you forgive me?” too often as an alternative for necessary personal change.
Remember forgiveness has it’s own timing. It can’t be rushed. When it comes to forgiveness, it is far better to have a small amount of the real thing than massive quantities of the fake stuff.
This article points out some very real aspects of manipulative "forgiveness". I used to say "I'm sorry" as a means of forcing the other person to ease up on me. Then I learned that the process of forgiveness is one of reconciliation, not just getting past a situation. I learned some very valuable principles of asking forgiveness, used them with a sincere heart, and have experienced the joy and freedom of true reconciliation with many. For others, the process resulted in ongoing communication about deeper issues that I wasn't aware of. I am grateful for having learned how to a way to gain true forgiveness and reconciliation!
Boy, this raises too many thoughts for me to even put into words.
Here are some ideas that this stirs up in me:
* Sometimes "forgiveness" is nothing more than a demand by someone in power to keep the cycle of violence going (walking on eggshells as tension builds up -> explosion -> making up -> calm -> back to walking on eggshells).
* As this article says so well, forgiveness may not be the immediate priority in someone's healing
* I believe it is eventually a part of moving on
* Sometimes "truth in love" is a painful thing for the offender who wants to jump straight to the being forgiven part
* Speaking truth in love and naming abusive treatment for what it was is not bitterness
* "Bitterness" is a power play that is used by people like Gothard to paint those who disagree in a negative light. Nevertheless, bitterness is a real thing and it is an acid to those who drink it.
* A victim can be a dangerous person - they can become entrenched in an ego-centric focus and fail to realize that they themselves are hurting others around them.
* One of the most powerful books I've read is "As we forgive". No glossing over the horrible evil done by the Hutus or the horrible things endured by the Tutsis. Life-affirming stories of reconciliation between those offenders who have the courage to face their evil and those survivors who have the courage to walk forward with them. An offender who refuses to face their own evil is an offender who misses out on receiving the benefits of forgiveness.
Sorry for the stream of consciousness. Those are some of things that this piece brings to mind for me.
Yes! So true! Forgiveness cannot be forced. It is powerful, but it cannot be forced.
Wow, forgiveness. To me forgiveness is the letting go of my 'right' to seek revenge on my offender (though I may need to seek discipline or consequences for them, especially in a legal situation). It does NOT mean having happy loving feelings towards them or never feeling angry again. Grieving of the situation must occur and feelings will be felt (it isn't a sin to feel angry! Jesus felt angry!).
[...] to blame as my brother for “leading him on,” despite our several year age difference. We were then forced to “forgive” each other, and once again in accordance with ATI teaching, to never bring the matter up again now that it was [...]
[...] end and we close our Sexual Abuse series, a recurring theme that we’ve heard is the issue of forgiveness. The one thing that victims of abuse are constantly told is to “forgive and forget” or [...]