TRANSFORMATION
God really began to do a miracle in our family when I was around 18 years old. Somehow through all of this indoctrination, I began to ask questions. Something about what I was experiencing didn’t line up with what I was seeing and reading in God’s Word. Gothard defined grace as “the desire and power to do God’s will (i.e. follow the rules).” But I couldn’t find that concept of grace in the scriptures. It took a long time for me to figure out what it really was, but I knew something just wasn’t right.
I can think of two major influences that really helped things to start clicking for me. One was a Bible study entitled The Search for Significance that my dad got for me when I was in the midst of my OCD crisis. The concepts I learned there, though they didn’t catch on right away, stuck with me. Concepts such as the fact that my identity is not in what I do, but who I am in Christ. The other influence, believe it or not, was a speaker at an ATI conference. I to this day don’t know if this man was intending to help students escape from the bondage of legalism, but he spoke on the topic of Christian liberty. He basically talked about how not everything is black and white, and that it is in those “gray areas” that we must seek God’s face.
It was under these influences that the walls began to crumble. Both of those concepts were antithetical to what was ingrained in me. I always thought that everything was black and white and that my personal value was based on how well I followed the rules. The process of change was slow, but things began happening.
The only problem was that my parents hadn’t yet seen the light, and this began a very rough patch in our lives. I actually did become very angry and verbally hateful. They viewed me as a rebel and forced me to attend more of Bill Gothard’s seminars. There were arguments and threats, and I didn’t know what to do. I tried to tell them what I was seeing in my training center experiences, but they didn’t understand.
About that time, a ministry called Midwest Christian Outreach released a book (A Matter of Basic Principles) exposing corruption and heresy in Gothard’s teachings. My mother read it, and I don’t know why this particular book did the trick, but it did. My parents began to independently verify certain accounts and events laid out in the book, and when they did, we pulled out of ATI completely. We lost a number of friends, but thankfully we already attended a Southern Baptist church, so we didn’t have to leave everything behind.
It was then that I started college (an ATI taboo), and began ministry at a new church. There was a lot of debugging that I had to do. It was very difficult to undo 15 years of thinking, especially when those 15 years were the formative years. I to this day struggle with legalism, pride, dogmatism, and feeling insecure in my relationship with God. Each year gets better, but these things run deep and I’ve had to do a lot of forgiving and forgetting.
One huge issue that came up in the “debugging stage” was my relationship with my wife Rashel. Some of you know that my wife Rashel was divorced out of an abusive marriage prior to our relationship. Within ATI circles, the fact that I pursued a relationship with her was considered sin. I was told by those within that circle that were I to marry her, God would take His hand of blessing off of my life. I remember to this day nights when all hell was breaking loose in my mind. I struggled with fear of God’s abandonment. Unfortunately, for a while my fears prevailed. I broke off our relationship for several months, something that honestly took us a long time (even into our marriage) to fully deal with. Thankfully, I was able to work through these issues spending a lot of time in scripture, and Rashel and I did get married. And yes, I lost some relationships because of it. And no, God has not taken His hand of blessing off of my life. If anything, the opposite is true.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
So…why do I share all of this? I guess there are two reasons: as a word of warning and as a word of pleading.
To those who are unfamiliar with this world, I share these things with you so that you are aware. The doctrine of separation has resulted in many spiritual casualties. The problem with believing that you can keep sin out of your children’s lives is the truth that sin already dwells within their hearts. And when a child doesn’t experience personally the love of Jesus Christ and the transforming power of the gospel, then the rules mean nothing except captivity and oppression. I know personally of numerous young people that have completely abandoned their walk with Christ, and I have heard that there are hundreds more. I know of broken families, addictions, rapes, abuse, and even murders that can be linked to a culture of legalism. This is NOT to say that these things don’t happen in non ATI families. They do. But these problems really hit home to me because they are so deeply personal.
To those of you within the ATI world, I would begin by pleading with you to ask yourself these questions:
- On what do I base my relationship with Christ? What I do, or who I am in Him?
- Concerning my beliefs about music, dress, dating, etc: do I believe what I believe because somebody told me to believe it, or do I believe it because God showed me through His Word?
- What is Christian liberty, and what is its impact on the doctrine of separation? (Romans 14 is powerful in this area)
- What does the Bible say about grace?
I fear that there is little hope for change in ATI long as Bill Gothard is still at the helm. Because of his continuous misuse of scripture and heretical teachings, I see no way to live within that world and remain true to the word of God. The dangers are simply too great. I believe that the scariest part of ATI is the fact that those within those groups have no clue as to the danger of their situation. They are simply brain-washed to believe that the world outside is evil, and that the only safe place is within the group. It literally takes an act of God for them to be freed. This is one of the reasons I believe in the ministry of Recovering Grace.
In conclusion, let me just say that I hope my story is of value to someone out there. My journey has not been easy, but at the end of the day, I know God led me down this road for a purpose. Perhaps he knew that without understanding the bondage of legalism I would never understand how simply amazing is His grace.
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While I didn't grow up ATI or IBLP, I did spend considerable time in an IFBx church and can see many many parallels. In fact, the IBLP programs were taught there as well and the doctrine of separation was a hallowed one. To tell your experiences here on the www for anyone to read takes courage. Be assured that it WILL make a difference for somebody. I didn't even grow up in this culture and your testimony here has reinforced in me the importance of relationship with my children instead of rules. I am reminded to look to Christ, the author and finisher of my faith, instead of do's and don'ts. Bless you.
This is the sort of story I've been looking for: clear and passionate but not ranting. I spent several years in ATI and can identify with many of your points. I don't blame ATI for my spiritual problems: I would have problems no matter how I grew up. But the mindset certainly does aggravate existing problems, even while claiming to have answers.
Thanks for putting the time and thought into writing this out.
-- SaraJ
Wow, thank your for sharing something so deep and personal. It touched my heart and also made a lot of sense in my head, which is something that didn't coincide for a lot of my experiences in ATI. I hope and pray that your story and this website will be a help to many more who are searching for truth and freedom.
Thank you John for sharing how your upbringing in IBLP/ATI affected you and for exposing the truth that there are many errors in Bill Gothard's teachings. It is my prayer that God will bless and protect everyone involved with this website, that the stories and personal testimonies that have already been shared and those that will be shared in the future will be used by God to bring encouragement to those who are discouraged, healing and restoration to those whom it is needed and a true understanding of liberty in Jesus Christ to those who are seeking it as well as to those who are still very much in bondage to a lifestyle of legalism. I will forever be grateful for God's mercy on our family and for His unfailing love and forgiveness.
Yesterday my family and I were pulling out of the parking lot from the Basic Seminar and someone handed me a flier about this website. I knew going into the seminar that we may hear some things that we didn't agree with. Every night when we went home we felt so confused. BG's teaching is illogical at best and utterly deceptive at worst. The problem is that some of what he teaches really is good (I really enjoyed the session on Design and how God purposely made each of us). The rest left us more than a little confused and definitely feeling guilty. Thanks for passing all this on. When I read how damaging it has been for you, I want to stay away from getting into it any further. A part of me is disappointed, because I want so much for my children to have great character. But I now realize there is no one-size-fits-all formula for it, no matter how irresistable it sounds, and my husband and I care more about our children having thriving relationships with Jesus than about . BG has an over-active guilty conscience and he has transferred that to his teaching (I felt sorry for him when he shared the story about making his brother's bed over and over again when he was a child--why didn't his own parents step in and correct his thinking?). He mistakenly thinks that his ways are the way for everyone, even though he has no authority over himself, has never had a wife or his own children, and has never taught his own children. Maybe if he had experiences with these relationships then his teachings would be more experiential and less theoretical. Getting the "good" out of the seminar this week was like licking a knife--something you have to be very careful doing, and afterward you get so little to taste it wasn't really worth the effort. Thanks for having this site and for having the courage to pass out fliers, and for your gracious way of explaining your side of it. I think God used you to explain to me why we were feeling apprehensive. Signed, "Wasted $95 but learned a valuable lesson"
Love the analogy about licking the knife! Although I've never been under ATI teaching, I have read some of the material and have seen some stuff I liked but the overall direction of much of the material made me loathe to go further into it.
I wish there WAS a way to guarantee the spiritual growth of my children; nothing is more important to me than that my children love and believe in Jesus. But ATI cannot guarantee that.
Thank you John for sharing this. I too was raised in ATI from K-12 and my parents bought the whole ATI thing hook, line, and sinker.
Reading your story was like reading a letter about my life (with a few minor differences here and there).
It is good to be able to see how other people have had the same experience and have been set free, and are helping others get free, or better yet not get enslaved in the first place.
It has taken years to get to where I am right now and still deal with the results of being raised in a hardcore ATI family.
Thanks again for sharing this.
The reason IBLP teaching is deceptive is because there is some truth in it! So yes, if you go to a seminar things like the Design principle are really great! (And actually that particular one has helped me a lot.) But where it really hits home is, like you said, what about grace? All throughout history people have been trying to figure out how to get good with God on our own efforts and, unfortunately, Gothard's teaching is the same only very well disguised.
I was raised in ATI as well and one of the things that really opened my eyes was that as I was learning the piano, I realized that I could create a "backbeat" on the piano and my parents (in the same room) would never know. How could it be something so evil??? And if it was just a drum that was evil- well that is ridiculous!!! A pot and pan could be a drum!!!
Also, I was not allowed to make eye contact with cute guys. I was taught that I must guard my eyes. I still to this day have a hard time making eye contact with men because I am afraid that might be considered "flirting."
Thank you for your testimony!!! You are definitely allowing God to use what has happened in your life for the good to help others.
I'm delighted to see this website and this post. Thanks for telling your story, John. As a composer myself, I'd be extremely interested to read any thoughts you have on Gothard's misbegotten teachings on music. (We never bought fully into the IBLP camp, but those teachings did quite a number on me during my teen years.)
Thanks so much John for your transparency. For many years I have thought that someone should do something about all the destruction that I've seen in fellow ATI students, giving up on Christianity, Christian values, or even falling into deep depression or harming themselves. The disillusionment that I continue to hear from people who leave or are shunned from "The Village" as I like to call it, could be countered by truth about who they are in Christ, and a proper understanding of God's nature. I too experienced much of the bondage you mention (my church WAS an ATI church) and my heart breaks for so many of my friends who are still under it. As you said, though, only the Holy Spirit can get through to them. But I've thought for a long time if there was someone who would make a reasoned, logical, loving case, perhaps many people could be diverted from a life of guilt, condemnation, and performance. I was actually asked by a ministry if they could use my story against the Institute, but I said no for fear that their mission was more of a witch hunt which would discredit the stand which needed to be taken than anything helpful. Thankful that this website seems to be answering that need.
Great stuff. Thanks John for sharing, and praise God for you and the others who have put this site together. Hope this site will continue to develop and expand as a resource. So glad to see our generation speaking out.
I could identify with so much of this. My family was only some-what affiliated with IBLP, however my upbringing was still legalistic to the extreme (in fact, sometimes ATI looked liberal to us). I thank God that He did gloriously save me and delivered me from the bondage of filthy rags that I proudly wore as righteousness. Thanks for sharing.
I finally understand some of what I experience now in everyday life. I've known it's a result of growing up in the IBLP/ATI environment, but could never really put it in to words. Thanks for this post. It definitely puts the explanation to my feelings, fears, insecurities etc.
Thanks so much John for taking the time to write you life story. I saw myself in a lot of it, especially the beginning. It was well said with Grace and Truth.
Some of the most encouraging words I've EVER read from former IBLP/ATI-ers! THANK YOU!
If I could add one thing to the list of questions that those in IBLP/ATI should ask, it's: Do I understand how to interpret Scripture based on the correct historical, cultural, and grammatical context rather than basing it on what I think it should mean, or what others say it means?
Mr. Gothard uses a lot of Scripture, and it's Scripture that's been one of the key items to understand in my 'breaking free' from 'the system' of graceless living. Studying the history, culture, and grammar-use of those who penned Scripture (and EVEN taking advantage of the study that others have already done, without having an agenda to sell, but purely for the sake of study [this typically means they are unbiased]) gives WHOLE NEW LIGHT to what the words on the pages mean! And isn't it the TRUTH we're truly seeking after, and not confirmation of what we already think?
Also, understanding that it's our HEARTS that God is after is KEY. A "Command of Christ" that has nothing to do with love should be scrutinized heavily, because Jesus says that out of the laws to 'Love God' and 'Love Others' flow EVERYTHING else! Which mean that everything he said to do was because he wanted us to love. And from what I know of God and His love toward me (not that I know all, but my knowledge grows each day as I press into Him), abstaining from something like music with an offbeat has nothing to do with His love.
God's purpose: LOVE. All of what He wants from us flows from the desire to and for LOVE.
John, can't tell you how my heart sings to read the words you and the others have written. I've had a desire to help others find their own relationships with God since working at the Oklahoma Training Center (from August '06 - Oct. '10), and even more so now, as I meet people outside of my social circles who have been damaged (hopefully not permanently) by ultraconservative ideologies and the actions they enforce. I meet people who have "tried the church thing" and were shunned by God's people, rendering them embittered toward all who claim the name of "Christian". This ought not to be so. God desires to draw all to Himself - God forbid we ever take His name in vain by being anything other than followers of Christ, truly.
I pray for those who are seeking and who have yet to seek. I'm still coming out of so many destructive thought processes, and it's difficult because friends and family have abandoned me because of it. But truly: are you really a friend if your purpose in socializing with me is to have someone in your life who will make you feel better about yourself because they believe the same way you do? Let this not be so! I'm working on rebuilding with family, and some of the friendships. An arduous task it is to rebuild trust with people who don't want to give up their grasp on what they've been taught. But I cling to the hope that all things work together for my good, because I love God and am called according to HIS purpose.
Be encouraged, all who are coming out of/escaping bondage. The road to liberty isn't an easy one, but the rewards of seeking HIM above all are infinitely better than any relationships built on mere pretenses of unconditional love and acceptance, or any 'safe' or 'convenient' or 'conventional' belief systems. Press on, and KNOW that you are NOT rebellious, NOT 'straying from God', and most certainly NOT alone! We who pursue LOVE with you say that we're here for you, and that God will NEVER leave or forsake you! God BLESS!!!
just wanted to let you know that your comment has made MY heart sing. =)
Thanks so much! :) I'm spreading the word about RG as much as I tactfully can via Facebook and word of mouth :)
An exciting tidbit: My fiance had had yet to encounter anything IBLP or ultraconservative on a substantial level until he met me and we began dating. It has been a roller-coaster since then, as a significant portion of my 'escaping the system' has happened while with him (my parents don't approve and several of my then-friends don't approve of him, which motivated them to separate themselves from me until I "repent/see the light"). My fiance has been treated with such repulsion and disgust by people that we'd trusted! As the ugliness and pride showed themselves, we saw what a responsibility we have to help people toward a journey of learning who God REALLY is. It's so exciting to watch God work in others' lives, all as an effect of my being entrenched in the system prior to now, and the utter UNLOVE shown to my fiance as a byproduct of the system! We get to help others, now as a TEAM!
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