I don’t remember too many of the details of when I got saved at three years old. My guess is that my mom had been explaining to me about God and Jesus dying that He wanted to live in my heart. I do remember mom and dad being there, that I had received a nasty slice in my knee from some ribbing in our couch three days before and that my mom had pointed out that it was scabbing ove
r which meant that God was healing it by making new skin inside the “factory” (scab). I somehow comprehended that the same God that had created the heavens and the earth, all the stars, mountains and oceans and me, was fixing my knee! It was so overwhelming, I remember kneeling by that same couch and asking God to come into my heart, and then come back out and finish fixing my knee, and then go back in my heart and stay there forever! I was so overcome with joy I was laughing and crying and jumping up and down, hugging mom and dad and my little brother.
I felt the Lord very close over the next couple of years. He gave me an amazing dream that would comfort me later on and that I still remember vividly to this day. He also spoke to my spirit directly about some very specific things regarding my life purpose and about my future wife when I was just five.
Dad had always had an angry spirit, but when I was about 11 he heard some teachings that began to guide him in a seemingly spiritual way to become very controlling of every aspect of our home and each one of us. This began a long season of trying continually to be good enough for God, and constantly failing. We focused on rules and standards and external appearances. Our home and family lacked love, joy and peace, though on the outside we portrayed a very loving family.
This teaching, provided by Bill Gothard through IBLP and ATI, lead dad to seek to live by the highest external standards in order to be pleasing to God and be above spiritual reproach. Our attempts at perfection included avoiding worldly influences such as radio, TV, movies, music with a back beat, or friendships with children our age. We also avoided the “appearance” of worldliness by not wearing tennis shoes, jeans or baseball caps, not chewing gum, or playing sports. Speaking to someone of the opposite gender was thoroughly investigated as dad thought he was responsible to God for every one of my thoughts, motives and actions. He also believed that because he was my authority, only he could know and declare God’s will for my life. The dreams, desires and ambitions I had were never as good as “God’s will” that I stay home and help raise my siblings, and serve dad and his business. Dad also believed he would be the one to choose a wife for me, whenever he felt that I was mature enough to handle such a responsibility and calling.
Through our discipline of daily reading and Scripture memory, I began to see the heart of God, and that it was full of love, joy, peace, grace and forgiveness. I began to search more earnestly for it. It took a couple of years before I had the courage to act on this understanding. Everyone we knew and associated with thought as my dad did. But when I was 22 I chose to fully live for the Lord alone no matter what anyone thought. For the eight years since, I have pursued a life that follows the Lord with abandon, filled with courageous risk-taking. I celebrate the freedom He bought for me, and thank Him by choosing to live in it with joy.
Thank you for your courage in being willing to share your story, Kylar! What an encouragement. God's word will never return void but will accomplish what He sends it out to do... what a wonderful story illustrating that verse. In spite of the anger and legalism surrounding you, the Lord used His word to reach your heart and show you what He is really like, and to give you the courage to break away from the slavery (basically!) which held you. I love your tender heart for the Lord, and am proud to call you my friend. :-)
I think that many of us have similar stories where our Dads were essentially told to be the Holy Spirit in our lives. Unfortunately, Fathers are fallible human beings as we all are. Recently I was explaining some of my story and didn't get very far before I heard the bomb of "The Bible says that you should Honor your Father" ... yes it does, but honoring our parents comes when we tell the truth. We acknowledge the faults of the people around us who have controlled our lives inappropriately, but not to bash them (my dad recognizes that he made mistakes.) We are honoring our parents when we tell the truth and give the credit to Jesus who worked in and through our lives in spite of the mistakes of others and ourselves.
I'd like to encourage you and those who have been reading this-- Honoring our parents is not above honoring Jesus. You have honored God (and your parents) by telling the truth in this article. I hope other people will be able to do the same and glorify God through the telling of their stories. Our lives have been pretty messed up but Jesus brought us through it all. He would not let go! To Him be the glory. :]
Kylar - you are such an amazing "fella" ;)
The Love of Jesus shines through you like a Beacon!
fanTAStic!
I thank God that I am reading the story of someone who didn't lose faith in the midst of the religiosity! It is heartbreaking to see how many fall away and throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Kylar, I have read this several times and I love it each time. I identify so much with the paragraph about your dad's angry spirit and the difference between the external appearance and the actual reality of your family experience. Thank you so much for sharing. I love your closing statement:
I have pursued a life that follows the Lord with abandon, filled with courageous risk-taking. I celebrate the freedom He bought for me, and thank Him by choosing to live in it with joy.