Anyone who has attended a Basic Seminar and has paid attention can tell you that Mr. Gothard is a man who likes checklists. Throughout the seminar he provides five steps to this, or three reasons for that. In many respects, a step-by-step process can be a helpful aid when trying to work through the various aspects of a particular issue–unless the aid becomes so over-used that it begins to function as a crutch. As with most any aid, its use brings benefits. However if one is not careful, overuse can also breed a dependency that debilitates.
During my years on staff with IBLP, I quickly noticed that Mr. Gothard often utilized the concept of “God’s best.” I frequently heard testimonies of troubled youth who broke when he would ask them, “Don’t you want God’s best for your life?” Sometimes he would turn the premise around and build upon it, “If you want God’s best for your life, then….” Mr. Gothard also routinely taught that when you give God your best, He would give you His best. So practically speaking, if you give God the best years of your youth, He would reward you with His best choice of, say, your life partner.
The concept seems great. Who wouldn’t want God’s best? But if you break it down, the practical steps to achieving this goal are manipulative. I’m convinced, looking back, that a number of the commitments I made during my time with IBLP were in direct response to this question. I may not have completely agreed with the proposed commitment, but when faced with the “don’t you want God’s best for your life” question, the only logical answer was, “of course.” What I failed to ask, however, was who was determining what constituted God’s best? And by what criteria was he deciding that?
I wish the result of such teaching in my life were some simple commitments that might have perhaps limited my freedom, but also possibly spared me some misery. If so, then I suppose it “worked” for me. I never drank alcohol or smoked, so I never experienced the negative consequences of drunkenness, or the misery and frustration of trying to break an addiction to cigarettes. I was a solid individual with high personal standards. However, the reality is that the entire concept of “desiring God’s best,” and subsequently making commitments in an attempt to attain it, profoundly affected my theology and my very understanding of God Himself. For one thing, the more commitments I made the more expectant I became. In my eagerness to follow the steps to success that Mr. Gothard offered, I developed a sense of entitlement. God had to bless me because I did things His way.
For a time my life did seem to bear witness of God’s blessing for my obedience. I had honored my parents’ wishes that I enroll in the Oak Brook College of Law (sponsored by IBLP and ATI), and was rewarded for my efforts when I passed the California Bar exam. I courted a young lady with the blessing of both sets of parents, and then married her. She was utterly perfect for me (and still is). Katie and I remained sexually pure before marriage, even saving our first kiss for our wedding. We were lauded for being such a beautiful couple–that everyone should be as happy as we were, and that we made love look so easy. We felt blessed! But unbeknownst to us at the time, we were heading into a storm that quickly overtook our lives and made a mockery of our well-kept spiritual checklists.
Having been raised in IBLP, Katie and I both believed that we would have a lot of children (even though I secretly feared my ability to parent as many as 12 of them, if God gave us that number!). And since both of us had long before made commitments to allow God to determine the size of our family, we got about the business of enjoying married life and shunned any form of birth control.
After we’d been married for a month, we waited expectantly for signs that Katie had conceived. We were a tad bit disappointed when she had not, but also a bit relieved since our insurance hadn’t come through yet to cover it. Then the second month came and still no pregnancy. The third, fourth, and fifth months passed the same. I don’t remember when Katie’s tears started. We consoled ourselves with the conventional wisdom that sometimes it can take up to a year to conceive. We were advised to pray about it: Was there a reason why God was withholding His blessing? Did we have some sort of secret sin in our lives we didn’t know about? We took this advice seriously and prayerfully examined our hearts. We weren’t aware of any areas of blatant disobedience.
One childless year turned into two. Then three years. Still, no children. By then, even our non-ATI friends started to ask, “Are you guys ever going to have kids?” Each time the question was like a kick in the gut, underscoring how long we had waited, and waited, and waited. Why wasn’t God blessing us? We had conducted our lives the way we had been taught.
Our inability to conceive consumed us, and we viewed the world around us through the lens of our disillusionment. We noticed several unconventional pregnancies at the church we had attended since we were married. First it was one teen girl who ended up pregnant out of wedlock and kept the baby. Then another. And another. These girls had not chosen God’s best for their lives, yet they were being “blessed” with children. The first time or two it was easier to be gracious and not judge, but as this kept happening so did the feelings of, “Wait. I thought God honored those who honored Him? We didn’t have relations before marriage. Why is God blessing all of them, but not us?”
Our siblings started getting married, but none followed the “perfect” steps set out by ATI. And shortly after their nuptials, they conceived. Our frustrations grew. The questions regarding our own plans to conceive continued. At our siblings’ weddings, showers, and celebrations, family and friends would ask, “Are you guys ever going to have children?” We didn’t know any more. And then we, the righteous—the entitled—became the ones who were judged. They came to us with questions of whether we’d prayed about it, along with the insinuation that God wanted to tell us something but we weren’t listening. All we knew was that all of the promises of blessing had failed to come true for us. All of our investment in commitments—made because we wanted God’s best—didn’t seem to be bringing us the best at all. And as the disillusionment grew, so did the bitterness. We heard of yet another unwed pregnancy in our circle of friends, and one of us quipped to the other, “Maybe we should get divorced, yet continue to sleep together. Maybe that’s the formula for conceiving.”
Before we knew it, our 5-year anniversary was upon us. Since we evidently couldn’t have children, we splurged and took a cruise to Alaska. It was a rejuvenating time for us. We had been home for a few weeks when Katie noticed she was feeling a little strange. She did the math and determined that she was late for her period (She’d stopped religiously counting several years previously). We took a pregnancy test with tentative hopefulness. Negative. Oh well. Days passed, she still felt weird, still no change. Several more pregnancy tests, all negative. Our primary care doctor suggested a blood test to check her thyroid, iron deficiencies and the like.
A few days later, the doctor called Katie. She gave us the good news right away—that the blood test came back fine. We felt relief. Then she told Katie that she was pregnant! “Are you sure? How can this be? Are you absolutely sure?” In shock we hung up the phone and I started to weep, deep tears of gratefulness. Finally, God had answered our prayers. It so happened that Katie’s family was coming into town that evening to visit for the weekend. When they arrived, we told them our news. Everyone was so excited. Finally we were experiencing God’s best and being rewarded for all of our years of faithful obedience. No matter the wait, it was over now. That whole weekend, everyone was running around with diaper pins in their eyes. Baby clothes were bought. Everyone insisted that Katie sit down, get off her feet. Rest. Drink lots of water. The following week, we sent out an email telling all of our friends. We picked out names. We started to dream. Some might call us fools for proclaiming our excitement to the world so soon, but we had wanted this for so, so long.
Katie had a second blood test the next week to confirm that her hormone levels were rising appropriately. She didn’t hear back from the doctor right away, and became apprehensive. When she couldn’t take it any longer, she called the doctor’s office and badgered them until the nurse pulled her chart and delivered this news, “You are not pregnant. You never were pregnant. The doctor misread the blood test. You will probably start in a couple of days. Call us if you don’t and we can do another blood test.” I was getting ready to log on to a conference call at work when my phone rang and, between the sobs, Katie made out, “I…need…you…to…come home…right…now.” When I got home we collapsed into each other’s arms and sobbed. God had chosen to withdraw His blessing—His best—from us, yet again.
On Sunday morning, I woke up and was angry. Livid even. “I’m not going to church today,” I announced. “And I don’t care if God strikes me dead.” My wife nodded and went back to bed. In the weeks that followed, I continued to skip church. I stopped reading my Bible. I ceased praying. Whenever the subject came up, my position was that I had done everything right. I had followed the steps, made the commitments, given God my best. And if this was God’s best, I was done. He was a liar and I didn’t want anything to do with Him. I think I may have even told Katie that if there were a way to become unsaved, I would consider it. Several more weeks passed, and for whatever reason—guilt, legalism, who knows—I went to church a few times. Few understood my pain and disillusionment. Their reception felt icy, as if they were judging me for my bitterness and sorrow. My wife didn’t go to church at all. As hurt as I was, deep within my broken spirit, I felt a gentle stirring–like a whisper–and these words, “You gave your life to Me. You have no right to take it back.” At first, I didn’t care what I was hearing. But again, and again it came. “You gave your life to Me. You have no right to take it back.” I disclosed what I was experiencing to Katie. She was still grieving and was skeptical. But as we continued to discuss it, we both agreed that because we had given our lives to Christ, we were obligated to continue to serve Him even if we didn’t feel like it. And we didn’t.
That spark in my spirit eventually led us to visit a new church where a guest preacher delivered one of the most stirring, convicting sermons I have ever heard. I couldn’t repeat a word of it to this day, but it grabbed my soul. I walked out of church and asked Katie what had just happened. She said she didn’t know, but had experienced it too. We decided to return the following Sunday. There was a different guest preacher, but we were again deeply moved. After the third week with the same reaction, we decided to stick around for awhile to see what might happen. What happened was that God had brought us to our new church family–a family who would love us back to faith, and love us to healing, without judging us for being real, rough around the edges, and jaded. They showed us grace in action…That life is hard, but God is good. And as we grew in that grace, the blinding scales of what we had been led to believe in ATI began to fall off.
God loves us, but He owes us nothing. He’s not obligated to anyone, but He loves us. He gave His Son for us. He drew us back to Himself when we didn’t deserve it, when we shook our fists at Him. And we began to see the heart of God for others as well – especially those unwed mothers of whom we’d been so jealous. As our frame of reference changed, we began serving God because He loves us unconditionally and we love Him back. We began seeking God because we wanted to know Him. We stopped performing, stopped striving.
And then the funniest thing happened. Three times. Their names are Hudson, Ellie and Mia.
Wow, thanks so much for sharing your story. I had tears in my eyes as I read!
I cried as I read this. What an amazing story of how God can work - not in the way we think He should. I struggle so much with my view of who God is. To do everything "right" and have your life fall apart is so painful. I am so grateful that God has held on to me and shown me so gently through the pain that He can't be put in a box! There is an incredible joy and freedom I have begun to experience as I let Him out of the box and more into my life! This was just the reminder I needed today. Thank you for sharing your life.
"Have you prayed about it?" Do these people really forget to pray so consistently that they think everyone else does, too? Or is it the idea that all problems disappear when you pray, therefore the existence of problems indicates you haven't prayed? I don't get it.
Beautiful story, Ryan, thank you for sharing.
Thanks for sharing! All we need is God's word, He is enough. God bless!
Thank you for sharing! I can't imagine the heartache during your years of waiting. It is a beautiful story, how God doesn't work in the ABC kind of methods.
That is such a wonderful story of "letting go and letting God..." I too have experienced the "commitment payoff" fallacy. My life of Godliness and purity has (so far) not led to that "perfect match" and "blessings" from doing "God's best", which should have happened 8-10 years ago. It is a constant struggle for me to "cease striving and know that (He) is God". I hope that one day I have a story that ends like yours...."We began seeking God because we wanted to know Him. We stopped performing, stopped striving."
*blink blink* got something in my eye there...
Wow, Ryan. What a story.
This story and your last both resonate deeply with me. I had the same impression as you about "God's best". And it was always just around the next bend, just around the next commitment as *this* time I really give something up to God. I still sometimes have to work through pieces of that anger and resentment that God did not play by the rules. It really hurts when God "lets us down" but this is not because he quit being good but rather because the rules we tried to impose on him didn't fit.
Something else in your story that resonates is how that when everything looks good on the outside, your friends were your biggest fans. But when you began to express real questions, real doubts, real problems, that's when the pat answers fail and when people begin to pull back. But there is something so attractive about people who aren't afraid of real people and real problems.
Ryan, an online friend of mine wrote something with some eery similarities to this. He names it: The Tyranny of "Almost There". http://www.comingstobrazil.com/blog/archives/2011/08/the-tyranny-of.php
tears...Oh, thanks so much Ryan!!
This is the gracious God that we serve. What love floods our souls when we live in the unmerited favor of our Lord. "Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far, and grace will lead me home!!
So glad to hear this story of your's and Katie's life. Very powerful! So glad you guys have those 3 little adorable blessings. : )
Thanks, Christa! Hope you're feeling better . . . saw the post on your mom's wall. Won't be long now!!
How can one man be so sure of his understanding of God that he teach thousands upon thousands his own opinions? Opinions that so skew peoples view of their Heavenly Father, that cause so many to doubt God and His love for us in Christ, His GRACE?
BG just ain't about grace. He's all about formulas and recipes derived from OT law.
I remember the shock and disillusionment when this 'new way of life,' this way of 'having God's best,' of 'never struggling with sin again through godly commitments' came crashing down the first time.
I didn't know WHY what I had been promised was so messed up. I just knew I myself was the same mess I had always been, and the "Commitment" I had made and professed publicly, crying into a microphone at ITC, even called my parents to tell them about my 'victory' only made me that much more miserable when I got home, returned to real life and realized what a hypocrite I was... and how misled I had been.
This one may seem to come from left field, but recently I have been enjoying Psalm 23 all over again. It was not written with regard to a dreamy utopia. It was written with reference to real life. The writer understands that there will be dark valleys. He realizes he will need restoring, he will be thirsty, he will need to be led. Yet the good Shepherd sees to these things.
We desire a way to say "there, I made this commitment, now there will never be another dark valley again". Instead, the psalmist says, "The valleys will come, but you will be with me."
“Don’t you want God’s best for your life?” What a question. Of course we do! What a clever way for Bill to get what he wanted out of people and a great way to put them on a guilt trip in the process.
"By then, even our non-ATI friends started to ask, “Are you guys ever going to have kids?” My experience here is a little different, but somewhat similar. I had two boys fairly early in my marriage. In fact, they were twenty-two months a part. Then my last child, my daughter didn't arrive on the scene until seven years after the birth on my second son. I had well-meaning (judgemental) ATI friends asking me why we weren't having children. It wasn't that my husband and I didn't want them or certainly that we weren't trying and praying for more. I can remember wondering why God was withholding His blessings from us. I remember feeling very guilty when at Knoxville. The Mothers who had had children from reversals were paraded in front of everyone as heroes. I hadn't cut off children. I didn't need to have surgery to fix the broken parts. I couldn't understand what I/we had done to cause God to remove His blessings from us.
I remember our family spending a week at the OTC for a family week. It was us and three other families. We had the largest representation of children that week. The other families each had two children. I remember feeling proud that we had the largest, but yet thinking it was somewhat comical at the same time. One day we were told that Bill Gothard would be coming to join us for dinner. That seemed so exciting. I remember all of us families were in the dinning room waiting on Bill to come in and join us. I could hardly believe what he said that night. He wanted to know where all of the children were? That was so judgemental and very grievious to me. It wasn't like we had cut off children or didn't want more, but even if that had been the case, it was totally inappropriate for him to ask us that question. It was also NONE of his business. Talk about putting a guilt trip on all of us.
Thank you Ryan for sharing your story. Like many others, it brought tears to my eyes.
I absolutely grew up with that attitude! I'd judge families in magazine pictures by how many kids they had. And when my husband and I were newly-courting, a patriarchist friend congratulated us and then asked, "So if this works out and you get married, how many kids are you going to have?" I'm still mad at myself for answering him.
Oh, Ryan/Katie! My breath just caught when I read the final sentence of your story! I hate that you went thru such grief and pain. I love, though, that God drew you to Himself in an intimate way because of it. Thank you for sharing your story.
WOW!!! Crying here!!! That is about the most awesome story I have ever heard!!! It should totally be a movie!!!
I am so very happy for you and for your beautiful "happily ever after!"
I was reading the first part and thinking, "Exactly. Right on. Well said."
Then I kept reading and my heart broke. The devastation. The betrayal. The pain. Then the rescue and the healing. And on top of that, the children. Wow.
I wish Recovering Grace had a "like" button so I could indicate that I like each one of your responses! Thank you all so much for all of your kind, validating/affirming words. They mean so much to both Katie and me.
And Tammy, I'm heartbroken over what you experienced. It was the exact same thing: judgment from people who didn't know all the circumstances, and for things over which you had no control.
Much love to all of you.
Thank you so much for sharing this... what a beautiful, honest story!
I have been reading this story over and over, and every time I get to the end, I cry. It is so moving, Ryan. First, you came to that place of healing. Your three children came to you after grace--not as vindication, but truly as a blessing. It makes your final paragraph so much more shocking and beautiful. You journey had all the ingredients of grace--and then you iced the cake! I am grateful that you were willing to share this journey with us.
Your story is simply amazing. It has such an impact on me and touches my heart. I love your honesty and your writing style really conveys the points you are making.
Thank you for being willing to share such a personal story. I'm so happy that God gave you the desires of your heart.
Very good story, very well written. I love the fact that y'all are able to articulate both the harmful teaching, and the actual damage you've experienced.
Just like Joy's courtship story, your experience isn't unique. But because of all the guilt and false expectations piled on top of it, it was many times more painful than it would be otherwise. But thanks for showing how God brought you to grace through it.
Even without that wonderful last line, your story shows so many good things that came out of your pain. Not that I'm happy for the pain, but am encouraged because the good.
-- SaraJ
"And then the funniest thing happened. Three times. Their names are Hudson, Ellie and Mia."
You know, one of the best things about the end of your story is that you don't tell us *how* your children arrived in your home. It's one of the best things because, truly, it doesn't matter, does it? God is still God, He is still good all the time.
I didn't notice that before Ellen! I agree that it doesn't matter how Hudson, Ellie & Mia came to be in our home but it's not something we're secretive about either. We're happy to spill the beans if anyone wants to know but just as happy to leave the dramatic irony in tact :)
That is a beautiful and moving story. Thanks for sharing.
The thing I could really relate to is the feeling that somehow we were on an elite level of Christianity because of our standards and that we deserved a higher level of blessings, whether that meant more children, more opportunities, more wealth, better health, whatever.
Our high standards were a bargaining tool with God, and it wasn't a bad thing, because He was the one who supposedly made up the rules to the game.
After all, 2 Chronicles 16:9 said, "For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward Him."
Looking back, I realize that we relied way more on our standards than we did on the Lord. We had a smug sense of pride from all that we were doing "right" that we wrapped around our family like a security blanket.
Anyway, the details may be different, but the underlying thread is what I could relate to. Thank you so much for sharing your journey, Ryan.
~Sally : )
Yes, yes, and yes. I can relate to the feelings of entitlement and the sense that we had found the "real" version of what Christianity should look like. I definitely felt entitled to blessings for following al the rules. I realized I had an "if-then" relationship with God. "If I do x, God will do y". But the reality is that this is a fallen world, and while we are so blessed in so many ways, God often "blesses" those who don't appear to deserve it, or seemingly does not bless others in certain areas -- and it can appear unfair. But this world is not our real home, is it? Even if God had not given the blessing of biological children to Ryan and Katie (although I am so glad to learn that He did!) :) , He still would have been a good and loving God; He still would have been worthy of praise, and still would have evidently showered them with so many things to be grateful for. It's just that, as Ryan points out... we stop seeing it that way in ATI/legalism, and we focus on the expectation of "payment" from God for what we've "earned".
I can certainly relate -- we've all been guilty. Gather up what you have said and it is really the definition of SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS. Most Christians don't realize that self-righteousness is not only deception, but it is sin, because it is unbelief. And, according to Paul the apostle, it is, "another gospel." False teachers like Bill Gothard have literally taken the other gospel of self-righteousness, packaged it, and presented it as the Truth. That is called DECEPTION.
this struck a tender chord in my heart because we went through a similar journey of waiting on children, and struggling through the "why?" of it all.
just grateful in the end that God wastes NOTHING. our past. our pain. He uses it all.
*thank you* for your honesty here. what a beautiful story of redemption~
amber.
Thank you for sharing! Infertility definitely caused us to re think a lot of things as well.
Our funny thing happened after 4 1/2 years of trying... after we had stopped attending church.
Thank you for your story. While we, early on in our married life, saw the fallacy of Gothard's teachings, we still found so much rejection, and judgment in the so-called "church" that we don't associate with anyone any more....we stopped trying about 8 years ago. We don't attend "church", don't discuss much about "church", but continue to teach our children about God's love and acceptance for each of them...that is the best we can do. If we are condemned to hell for "forsaking the assembling of ourselves together" then so be it. We are done with phony people.....I am glad you found a place to fit in and find the truth. Blessings to you
k
Kay, I am sorry that you don't feel that you can attend church anymore. Sadly, there are phony people everywhere and a lot of them are in churches today. If they are habitually phony then I believe they have never had a lifechanging experience with Christ. The truth of the matter is: We are all phony at some time or another, but it shouldn't be our lifestyle.
Please don't let the foolishness of others keep you and your family from corporate worship and missing the blessings you will receive as well as give to others too.
[...] absolutely no precautions to avoid pregnancy. Fast forward a few more years, and if you’ve read my other articles, you’ll know that we found ourselves wrestling with years of infertility. The words we’d [...]
I always wondered what happened to infertile couples in QF theology. It just seems like there's a "that doesn't happen to we people who are submitted to God" attitude. I don't really know, but is the general idea that you can't do anything to help you conceive either, if children don't come rabbit-quick? Other than "pray more?" (rolls eyes)
While I didn't grow up with ATI, my homeschooled family was influenced by many people with similar ideas, esp. about having lots of kids. So as someone who wanted and expected several, I can tell you that I was more than devastated to find, after following the "rules for ensuring God's blessings," that my husband and I weren't conceiving after miscarrying our first (and so far only) biological baby.
My spiritual confusion level peaked when I spoke with my pastor (at a church with many large families), and his advice was not to do anything medically, citing his 10-year wait for their first as "perfect timing." Maybe it was for them, but I really wasn't prepared to just happily wait 10 years and hope that eventually God would reward us with children when we'd proven that we'd "let go" (which is seriously the church's version of "just relax"). Meanwhile everyone at church wanted to know every week when we were going to have a baby.
Fortunately for my sanity, we moved shortly after that, and the people at our new church didn't ever ask us about kids. However, in the next 2 years, 2 of my unmarried siblings had babies, and my "be a good person" formulas really, really, weren't working for me. I didn't abandon God, but I sure did yell at Him a lot for a while, and even when I'd stopped expecting to get pregnant every month (i.e., just relaxed), we still didn't conceive. Another formula failed.
As it turns out, I am currently holding my first-born, who arrived completely outside of anyone's formula box. She came to us through the medically-intensive route of embryo adoption, which we only learned about because we decided to research our options in infertility. I didn't "earn" her by being good or confessing some secret sin, and I wouldn't have her if I'd "just waited on God." I am 100% convinced that it was God's Grace that led us down this path, and am constantly thanking Him that He didn't have a formulaic life for me.
Thank you so much for sharing, this really ministered to my heart.
Wow, I really liked this story, Ryan. It made me tear up too. It's so cool that in the end you wound up genuinely loving God back, which is what I'm sure he was going for all along.
Thanks for sharing. Having the background of ATI and the mind set of "To be a good Christian you must have lots of kids and homeschool them" has influenced my infertility journey more than once. I remember going to an ATI wedding of a friend before I was married and being a little shocked when her father and her pastor prayed over them and asked God to open her womb and bless them with children. And this was BEFORE I realized that my womb would not be open and God's plan (for now) is not for biological children. Praise God our story is one of redemption and ADOPTION. Our sweet son, Samuel, came to us through the gift of OPEN adoption in May, 2011. For now, my womb is still closed but that is not because God is not blessing me!
Personally I would be kinda freaked out for any non related male to be publicly praying 'for my womb to open' (especially while I'm still a virgin), there's just something really gross about it. You know what images are going through EVERYONE'S mind, and they have no business thinking about that.
I never heard Mr. G. Talk about a number... he taught letting God plan your family.... and that could mean none, or one child... can be God's best for some.... alsowhat is a valid definition of God's best?
Gothard may never have said a number and theoretically a family with no children was just as fine a whole bunch. However, the clear emphasis was on a large number. He would praise families for having a lot - never did I hear any praise for a few or none.
Additionally, the emphasis on children being a blessing was often morphed into a lack of children being a curse. So, for couples trying to have children never, ever did I hear the suggestion that maybe God plan was for them to have none. Instead there were numerous reasons as to why the couple had failed to conceive. The blame was placed on bitterness, Cabbage Patch dolls, rock music, lack of submission, not following OT laws of abstinence, etc etc etc.
So while, theoretically, a family with few or no children was just a good as a family with many, practically speaking this wasn't the case.
That's the thing that struck me. The underlying assumption that 'God's best' means having children.
...at the same time that God's best was not marrying at all.
It was all a twisted version of the truth. God's design for sexuality is full, fruitful, faithful covenant love. The Church universal for 1900 years considered artificial contraception an ungodly perversion of nature. It's introduction into society has clearly increased promiscuity and contributed much to the demise of marriage in society. But Christians should be focused on God's Fruitful Loving Nature and the God-imaging intimacy of sexual communion in covenant. Gothard knew little of that.
Mechanistic principles were the focus. "More" children could be counted. Faith filled openness to fertility, along with gracious selfless patience and self-control in relationship, could not be measured or brought up on stage for approval.
This was truly moving.
I sadly know to many people who have been brought up in such a way that they believe they've "deserved" their grace, they earned it, and then they've gone on to "earn" blessings, and if God doesn't give them... then what do they do?
Beautiful story. Beautifully written. Thank you.
"God loves us, but He owes us nothing. He’s not obligated to anyone, but He loves us. He gave His Son for us. He drew us back to Himself when we didn’t deserve it, when we shook our fists at Him. And we began to see the heart of God for others as well – especially those unwed mothers of whom we’d been so jealous. As our frame of reference changed, we began serving God because He loves us unconditionally and we love Him back. We began seeking God because we wanted to know Him. We stopped performing, stopped striving."
AMEN!
My husband and I will be married 5 years in August... I've always wanted to be a mother (not because I felt like I "had to," but because it's a genuine desire deep down. We're still childless, and it hurts. I don't know if God will ever bless us with children... but I'm learning it isn't a formula, even if it seems like it at times... God gives and takes away - in His timing and His way. We are considering adoption.
We've never been a part of IBLP/ATI, I first hear about it from the Duggar family. It interested me and has a way of drawing you in... you want to be godly and have a happy family, naturally, but the "prosperity gospel" and control I've been noticing more and more from the material is making me weary of pursuing further.
Some of the surface level concepts (character building, family roles, etc.) were what appealed to me... but everything I'm reading about on this site is just making me sick. I usually have a "eat the meat, spit out the bones" mentality... but it's starting to seem like there's more bones in this organization and I'd rather find meat elsewhere.
Anna,
Probably there are many former IBLP/ATI parents who are wishing they had, had the information and discernment reflected in your comment before they were exposed to Gothard's indoctrination and subjected their families to this false teaching. God bless you and grant all those desires of yours that, in His perfect wisdom, He knows will further your salvation in growing ever closer to Him. My godmother and her husband tried for nearly a decade to conceive in vain. During that time they became members in a church that has a sacramental understanding of the nature of marriage and performs a formal blessing of marriage which includes prayers for the blessing of children, which they asked for and received. After this blessing, they conceived their only son (who is about 12 now). My godmother was by this time in her mid forties. All this is to say, no matter the means used, it is ultimately God who opens and closes the womb, and either way it is in order to further our communion with Him. He knows what we need when we need it. May your continuing to abide in Him bear all kinds of good fruit in your life.
To Anna:
Multitudes continue to 'choke on those bones'. Sadly, many may have
'choked to death'. :+(
Prayers for God to bless you with children (apart from IBLP/ATI).
I know of a woman who was childless for years until she began and maintained an organic diet! Another friend spent 10 years praying,
pleading with God for a baby. She then visited a chiropractor for relief from low back and abdominal pain. Within (6) weeks she discovered that she was expecting! I personally believe God used these methods to bring about conception in their lives.
God Bless you and enable you to maintain a cheerful heart in the interim. :+)