I have recently made a number of new friends who, like me, grew up in the Advanced Training Institute (ATI). The discussions that have ensued have given me much to think about and shown me glaring truths about my past that I had never before been able to see. The logical fallacies quite apparent in retrospect were so a part of who I was that it is difficult, and at times painful, to acknowledge them. Therein has been my trouble. If I take away all the lies that made up a large part of my life, with what am I left?
I often cringe when I hear someone refer to ATI as a cult. I have always felt, and still do feel, that “cult” is somewhat of a subjective term—defined as much by the individual’s response to the organization in question as it is by the organization itself. In my most supportive days, when I really felt ATI was “God’s best,” I recognized that for some people it had become a cult. Of course, at the time I blamed them for their blind obedience and thanked God that I was more discerning. Whether “cult” is the appropriate term or not, I still cannot say for sure, but the more I hear about cults, the more it seems to fit. At any rate, when I think back on it all I realize that the discernment I was so convinced I had was hardly there at all. I was as brainwashed as anyone.
I have been out of ATI for almost a decade now. I did not turn away from it or leave in rebellion. I simply outgrew it. Even the obviously wrong things I saw while working for the Institute, I assumed to be isolated incidents not characteristic of the whole organization or its leader. At the time, I figured I must have been doing something wrong because if I had truly followed the formula I would be well on my way to the promised husband, children, and home bread-baking business. Thankfully, God so clearly opened the doors to a secular education and a new life that I could not be guilted out of it. I moved on. I got busy. I slowly became a different person. God, in his grace, has shown me who He really is and taught me what His grace really means. However, I never fully addressed the lies of my past or this person I used to be, but cannot explain. It only recently occurred to me that I should try.
However, doing so can be difficult. One former student, Kari U. explained it this way–the problem for many of us is that when we leave ATI we have no point of reference to which we may return. Whether a cult or not, we were raised in a lifestyle outside of our generation. We leave that lifestyle, but where do we go? Our parents chose to leave the culture of their peers. However, as Kari said, “Our old lives are the cult.” We are (or were) what we were told to be. Another former ATI student, Mark H., observed that, for many of us, our parents’ choice to join ATI was a rebellion against their culture—this was “their way of taking control and defying others’ expectations.” What was an exciting statement for them turned out to be compliance for us. They chose to join a movement, while we simply got carried away by one.
So here I am. I left this one lifestyle with nowhere else to go. I thought I knew what I was leaving, but not where I was going. I admit the transition has been easier for me than many. I was one of the fortunate ones with loving parents who, despite buying into the lies, were always reasonable in their treatment of me. I have also been richly blessed by friendships I would not have made without my time in ATI. Perhaps the fact that my experience was more positive than most, has prevented me from facing it. Perhaps I did not want to admit that I bought in to all the lies. I have not had to live with the painful memories that many have. My pain is not in past abuse, but in present aloneness. I left the “cult” but have no culture. I now live in society, but never quite feel a part of it. I cannot fully understand my generation because I was separated from it for so long. They cannot fully understand me for the same reason.
It is hard for me to accept that I bought in—that I let myself believe and be defined by so many untruths. I think I have come so far that I can just forget about it and keep moving on. But then I say something that I suddenly realize is completely ridiculous and that can be traced back to those teachings, or I feel guilt that could not possibly come from the Holy Spirit because of something that happens outside of my control. Though facing my past brings pain, it also brings freedom. Allowing myself to finally see the disconnect between who I was and who I am has shown me just how pervasive the teachings were and how much baggage I still carry with me.
Some of the lies are so preposterous it is embarrassing to admit I swallowed them. For instance, “You give a part of your soul to the devil whenever you listen to music with a particular beat.” This kind of magical thinking is ludicrous to me now, yet I actually burned several cassette tapes and CDs because of it. More damaging for me, however, has been the subtler teachings, so often masked by pretty words and diagrams. While my intent here is not to explain them all (there are other articles on Recovering Grace that begin to do that and do it better), I will mention the hardest one for me to overcome: “Grace is the desire and power to do God’s will.” This notion that grace requires something from me is, by definition, the very opposite of grace. I have grown up feeling that no matter what I do, I could do better. No matter how I pray, I could pray harder. And when bad things happen? Well, that could only mean my desire to do God’s will isn’t strong enough. The thing is, bad things do happen. We live in an imperfect world. God never promised good things all the time. In fact, He promises persecution to those who seek Him (2 Tim. 3:13). Blaming oneself for every bad thing that happens leads to an overwhelming amount of guilt that God never intended us to carry.
By His true grace, I am learning to let go of the guilt. I am learning to separate the lies even when doing so leaves nothing else. When He promised His grace was sufficient for me, it turns out He actually meant it. Sufficient. Nothing else. So I bought in. So I got out. So I left the past and do not fit into the present. It doesn’t matter. He was there. He is here. He will be here. I am not alone.
“But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness...’"
2 Corinthians 12:9(a)
"The discussions that have ensued have given me much to think about and shown me glaring truths about my past that I had never before been able to see."
"Though facing my past brings pain, it also brings freedom." This is so true! Thank your for sharing your story.
You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free! John 8:32
Beth...I'm currently slowly coming out of that myself...dang I should write something - love your post - you very succinctly communicated what I currently am going through myself.
I agree--you should write something :O) It's very therapeutic.
This is excellent Beth. Thank you.
Quote: I will mention the hardest one for me to overcome: “Grace is the desire and power to do God’s will.” This notion that grace requires something from me is, by definition, the very opposite of grace. I have grown up feeling that no matter what I do, I could do better. No matter how I pray, I could pray harder. And when bad things happen? Well, that could only mean my desire to do God’s will isn’t strong enough. The thing is, bad things do happen. We live in an imperfect world. God never promised good things all the time. In fact, He promises persecution to those who seek Him (2 Tim. 3:13). Blaming oneself for every bad thing that happens leads to an overwhelming amount of guilt that God never intended us to carry.
That's the crux of it isn't it? I have felt the exact same way. This is the part that takes so long to undo. May God's true grace fill you with peace.
I could have written this post myself. Your description is so similar to what I'm dealing with right now, except that it's a little more recent for me. Like you, I didn't really "leave" ATI - I just outgrew it. I went to college and grad school, but I'm only now beginning to sort through and face the twisted teachings I'd so completely embraced. It is difficult to accept how much I'd bought into.
This really spoke to me: "What was an exciting statement for [our parents] turned out to be compliance for us. They chose to join a movement, while we simply got carried away by one." I'm thankful that we can have the opportunity to go back, evaluate for ourselves, and make our decision from here on out.
Thank you for writing.
It is amazing to me how many people have had such similar experiences. I always felt so isolated by what I assumed was my unique way of responding to an unusual upbringing. God's ways are not ours, but I think His design is somewhat predictable. He did refer to us as sheep, after all. It's comforting to know I'm actually just pretty normal.
Thank you all for the kind comments.
Thanks Beth. I too feel I could have written this article, or at least one similar. The statement "If I take away all the lies that made up a large part of my life, with what am I left?" fits where I am now. Slowly taking the steps to recovering grace :-)
"When He promised His grace was sufficient for me, it turns out He actually meant it. Sufficient. Nothing else. So I bought in. So I got out. So I left the past and do not fit into the present. It doesn’t matter. He was there. He is here. He will be here. I am not alone."
Best line EVER!!!!! Or, "lines" I should say!!! This is awesome and exactly how I feel. God let me stay at my parents house because of His reasons, maybe I was safe or maybe I needed to learn something that would help me help others. But either way, He has helped me every step since the moment I purposed to get out. "Sufficient." I bought in somewhat, not to the music but to other things such as courtship. But it doesn't matter. It is in the past. "He was there. He is here. I am not alone."
Love it!!!!!!
Beth,
I was in this place a few years ago. It felt alone and awkward. The transition from the culture that was normal to me to regular American culture is a lonely one. The old me was SO long ago now though. And my current life ~my family/inlaws, my church, my neighbors, my career~ it's all home for me now. And it's normal now. THIS is my culture. =) And I feel so much more loved by Jesus. Isn't that great?! That old thinking still trips me up, though: the earning grace, and the gaining God's favor by my standards, and the critiqing my possible sins in order to avoid punishment and all that still weighs heavy on me. I wonder how long that takes to get rid of? Then again, I wonder if some of these deceptions are merely normal Christian struggles... no matter what background we came from. I don't know. Just speculating here. I was happy to read your beautiful story today. This article is one of the best representations of RecoveringGrace that I've read since its launch. Bless you! =)
"That old thinking still trips me up, though: the earning grace, and the gaining God's favor by my standards, and the critiquing my possible sins in order to avoid punishment and all that still weighs heavy on me. I wonder how long that takes to get rid of? Then again, I wonder if some of these deceptions are merely normal Christian struggles... no matter what background we came from."
From experience in a range of light to medium to hardcase legalistic churches, I would say yes.
That is, yes, grace-less, introspective, man-centered, standards-worshiping 'Christianity' that is works-based and lives by an ethic of avoidance is sadly all too common.
It's Religion, as opposed to a grace-based living relationship with a living and Loving Father.
What's unique about Gothard is that his approach crosses denominational lines and has a broader reach than your average legalistic church. That and the fact that many of his opinions/interpretations/revelations are peculiar to him and his ministry.
amazing! so well written! thank you!
yes, I could have written this too. I think as the organization has aged, it has done worse. the fruit of it's sins is becoming more apparent. wonder what could be written about the seeds of disintegration?!!! :) LOL Remember that?!!! wow. so thankful for the place God has led me to and I'll pray for you all as I continue my journey to freedom, true freedom, and put to rest all the pain. Now to write my own story...
"This notion that grace requires something from me is, by definition, the very opposite of grace."
I understand the freedom that comes from getting the unmerited, unconditionality of grace. I remember feeling like I had to earn God's favor, that He wasn't already inclined towards me in Jesus. It rocked me to my core to learn that God sees Jesus in my place and says, "Righteous!" It's finished.
This is the bedrock of the Gospel, that He loved (and loves) us before we love Him.
This isn't, however, the entire picture of grace or how God meets us. I remember reading Psalm 18, and it ministering strongly to me... up until the argument of verses 20-24. Then I got mad and threw my Bible across the room, saying, "That's NOT helpful!"
But I needed to grow yet more in grace. I needed to understand that grace is first Him meeting me, but then His grace also works in my that which is pleasing in His sight, and I am involved in that process.
To say that grace is the desire and power to do God's will only focuses on one aspect of grace. Gothard tried to make ALL grace conditional, and some try to make ALL grace unconditional. And I've found that both produce very, very frustrating Bible reading.
It's true. Having understood and received His grace should necessarily make me want to please him. I don't mean to say that grace means not having to press toward the mark. I'm also not saying that we should "continue in sin so that grace may abound."
Grace enables me to be obedient. Grace enables me to love. But grace does not require my obedience, does not require my love. To say that it does is to take away from what He's done. Grace may give me the desire to do His will, but grace is not that desire.
For me, this old definition of grace meant that anytime things weren't going well for me, God was withholding His grace because I wasn't working hard enough. This was terribly damaging and the self-loathing cultivated by this mindset is not easily undone. Sometimes a flat tire is just a flat tire.
Grace doesn't change based on my goodness. Grace inspires me to righteousness, it does not require me to be righteous. Were I righteous on my own, I wouldn't need grace. I may chose not to accept it, but He does not withhold it. As you say, His grace works in me "that which is pleasing in His sight, and I am involved in that process." But the "me" part is me; the grace part is all Him.
Honestly, I believe grace is unmerited favor, period. "The desire and power to do God's will" is the definition of sanctification. Not grace. The two should not be confused.
Can I get an "Amen", folks? ;D
But then,But to clarify, I do believe that we are both saved and sanctified by grace.
"I have been out of ATI for almost a decade now. I did not turn away from it or leave in rebellion. I simply outgrew it. [...] I slowly became a different person. God, in his grace, has shown me who He really is and taught me what His grace really means. However, I never fully addressed the lies of my past or this person I used to be, but cannot explain. It only recently occurred to me that I should try."
Beth, your story could be mine with just a few changes! Like you, my family didn't buy into ATI to the extreme. It definitely had negative effects on my family, but God spared us the worst of the abuse & trauma others experienced. In the end, we just drifted out of the program after joining a grace-focused church when I was in high school.
Thankfully, my parents didn't agree with Gothard's stance on higher education and they encouraged us kids to go to college. I spent four years at a Christian college, which was the perfect safe transition place for me to encounter broader culture and different ways of thinking about and living out the gospel. My world expanded like a balloon. Now, our ATI days seem like another lifetime--a bizarre one. I still have moments of feeling culturally illiterate and out of place, though.