I’m afraid that most of my life I’ve carried the belief that resolving life’s circumstances was the way life ultimately was supposed to be lived out. The logical conclusion of this was that seeking to resolve life’s desires, either in a particular course of action or inaction, seemed a good goal. The Christian version of this was simply hammering out the resolution of these desires on the anvil of “God’s will” instead of simply choosing whatever I want.
But what if His will IS for me to long, and long hard, and to desire deeply? And with many groanings of soul and body learn what it is to be entirely dependent on Him–not in the desert of no food and water or economic provision, but a desert of soul longing? To accept the lonely longings of my soul without insisting to know His will in a particular situation or relationship so that I can then cut off what’s been longing, hurting, and move on? What if instead He wants me to know Him deeper through a raw and bleeding soul that is given NO guarantee of any solace for it’s longing, except the promise that He who is coming WILL COME?
"Buddha sits enthroned beneath the Bo-tree in the lotus position. His lips are faintly parted in the smile of one who has passed beyond every power in earth or heaven to touch him. 'He who loves fifty has fifty woes, he who loves ten has ten woes, he who loves none has no woes,' he has said. His eyes are closed.
Christ, on the other hand, stands in the garden of Gethsemane, angular, beleaguered. His face is lost in the shadows so that you can't even see His lips, and before all the powers on earth and heaven he is powerless. 'This is my commandment that you love one another as I have loved you,' He has said."
--Frederick Buechner in Now and Then.
In The Journey of Desire, John Eldridge says, “We have only three options: (1) to be alive and thirsty, (2) to be dead, or (3) to be addicted. There are no other choices. Most of the world lives in addiction; most of the church has chosen deadness. The Christian is called to a life of holy longing.”
I’ve known deadness. I’ve known addiction. Today I am alive. I am longing. It’s aching something fierce. And that’s okay.
About the author
Micah Kohler is the third of eleven children in a home-educating family. His family enrolled in ATI when he was eight. After graduating, Micah joined the technical support staff of IBLP’s internet filtering provider, CharacterLink. He later transferred to the computer support department at IBLP headquarters.
Somehow, in a life defined by religious observances, Micah missed ever really knowing God personally. A CharacterLink coworker led him to just such a relationship, and Micah eagerly shared the experience with others. He met resistance from some authorities, and was dismissed by Bill Gothard for asking overly perceptive questions.
Micah returned home, finished his MCSE certification, and embarked on a career in IT/IS. He also returned to motorsports, now competitively — but his fifth year of 'snowcross' racing was abruptly halted by a serious freak knee injury.
Sidelined while surgery and physical therapy rebuilt his body, he ventured into the abuse recovery program of Open Hearts Ministries, and started finding healing for the deep wounds he was carrying in his heart. His family had appeared a “model home,” but he could finally acknowledge its dark side: harshness, fear, his parents’ emotional collapse, his and his siblings’ self-destructive behaviors.
Today, Micah finds peace and hope in the reality of grace. He's married to a former ATI student and lives in Houston, Texas, where he's providing care and a second chance to troubled teen boys at a Christian foster home.
More posts by MicahK
“We have only three options: (1) to be alive and thirsty, (2) to be dead, or (3) to be addicted. There are no other choices. Most of the world lives in addiction; most of the church has chosen deadness. The Christian is called to a life of holy longing.”
What an amazing truth. Thank you for sharing your heart with us, Micah.
I love how He is always there right when I need him, close enough that I can hear Him, but far enough that I have to reach for Him.
"Oh how He loves us!!!"
www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxTOsQ3LDE4
Beautiful. Thank you.
Thanks so much, Micah. So many people are afraid to admit the disappointments and longings. It's humbling and difficult to speak of them. I think this longing shows that we are homesick for heaven.
So true!