An idea came to mind as I read posts on here about the difficulty of interacting with parents, and of spouses having to help unpack the past. My wife and I did an intimacy study, and one of the steps that many couples had difficulty with was the tension created when we mapped out our family relationships…but for us, and others, it was the most interesting part, as it gave us a fresh perspective on our families.

Here’s the deal. You’ve seen family tree diagrams. But take it a couple of steps further. First, go back a few generations, on both your and your spouse’s side.

Second, follow the instructions here http://www.genograms.org/components.html to alter the lines between family members to show relationship and quality of relationship. (Think about these relationships when you were 12-13 years old.) One common thing they don’t mention is putting a circle with an “A” in it on any family member with an addiction. Here’s a template if you don’t want to draw by hand: http://www.genopro.com/genogram/templates/

Now take a look at that baby! Look at the relationships that involve you, but also look at the relationships that affected your parents! Some parents are just loons (and you can honor them from a distance, my friends)…but does this shed any light on why they are they way they are? http://www.genograms.org/clues.html

One counseling group suggests you ask yourself the following questions, and discuss all of this with your spouse or trusted friend. Who met your need for:

1. Attention?
2. Affection?
3. Approval?
4. Comfort?

Do you wish you had a way to break the ice with one of your parents, but the conversation is hard to start? Maybe the first questions should be something like, “Dad, tell me more about your parents and grandparents…and how they got along.” “How’d that affect your life?” Etc. Let them talk about themselves and see if you learn something new.

As an example, my Dad was very withdrawn during long stretches of time while my own life wasn’t going so great. But mapping his relationships helped me appreciate that he did much better than could have been the case…considering the ways in which his life was even worse than mine. I like visual representations, and I could literally see how his past influenced my life. Being more aware of where he was coming from increased my respect for him.

Disclaimer: I’m NOT a counselor, and this can be a really touchy subject. Be careful with what you share, and with whom. Also, I am not endorsing the websites listed above…just making use of them.

Hope you enjoy.