As a response to my son’s article, he was recently asked, “Kylar, where was your mom in all of this?”
And so here is my answer…
All I can say is that whatever my children were experiencing as far as brain washing and control, I was right there with them. I was 17 when I married this man and had Kylar. I was treated more like a child than a life partner and to this day I have a hard time truly believing that I am my children’s mother and not their sister.
There were a couple of rules that kept me out of the loop regarding most anything my kids had going on with their dad. (1) They were not allowed to share anything with me of what went on between their father and them. (2) We were not allowed to have personal conversations amongst ourselves without him present.
It wasn’t until Kylar told me he was considering joining the Marines while he and I had a few minutes of privacy because I was giving him a haircut in the bathroom with the door closed that I even had a hint that he was not happy with his life. He was in his 20’s by the time we had this breakthrough conversation. The kids could not express any emotion whatsoever. Our kids were constantly being examined for “dark eyes,” which was simply a result of suppressed frustration. Our kids never argued, never had an inappropriate response, always said the “right” things, and always looked happy. Nothing else was allowed.
Supposedly, the rules about the kids not having any personal time with me came from when Kylar’s dad was in an early morning men’s meeting at a Tennessee conference. Bill Gothard or one of the other speakers said that homeschooled kids had a tendency to run to their mother for everything, if we were not careful we were going to raise a bunch of Mama’s boys who won’t grow up knowing how to get along with men in the “real” world. Supposedly they said that this is a “man’s world” and women need to step back and let the dads raise their boys to know how to be men in a “man’s world.”
I thought that was taking things too far, but my husband was adamant that this was how things needed to be, and believe me, he enforced the rule that they could never have personal conversations with me.
Meanwhile, in the women’s meetings we were hearing that submission to our husbands was not enough. If we really wanted to do it right, we would all get this certain book that said we needed to have unquestioning obedience to our husbands. Otherwise we were contending with our husbands for the position of authority.
There are many layers and steps that led to our continual journey off track. To come back to the question, “Where was your mother during all of this,” I was out of the loop and oblivious to what was really happening right under my nose.
All that is simply to explain where I was at the time. I wish every day that things had been different. I wish that I had never married this man. I wish that I had not been so easily fooled.
But I learned something about the grace of God that I don’t know whether I would have learned if it had not been for the 30 years with this man. I have six of the most amazing children on the planet, who also have been through hell and know something of the grace of God in a deep and profound way that no one will ever be able to take away.
Recently, my daughter and I were discussing how different everything would have been if I had not married this person, but then trying to wrap my brain around the concept that the greatest blessings in my life would not have happened. It’s just too big for me.
I count my blessings and I fully support Kylar in sharing his life lessons in hopes that others will be ministered to, and others can understand the freedom we all have in Christ and the immense depth of His love, to die for those who on their own can never be good enough for heaven.
So, if you thought Kylar sounds like an amazing guy, scratch the surface of all that he has been through and you will be in total awe of the power of God to create the most wonderful heart through life experiences that should have destroyed him.
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Sally is in the process of divorce and just completed her certification as a holistic nutrition consultant. She is the mother of 6 and grandmother of 4 so far. Overcoming the results of legalism and an abusive marriage continues to be an on-going process.
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Sally, thank you!!! I have no words right now, but when they come, there will be lots of them. (((hugs)))
Sally, your courage and your support of your kids is such a huge blessing to me! Thank you so much for sharing.
What a powerful testimony you and Kylar have been. I wish the people still involved in ATI could read your testimonies. Thank you both for your transparency! God bless you! :)
This boggles my mind and breaks my heart.
Gothard's authoritarian system simply does not self-correct for this kind of mess. In fact, it tends to make it worse.
This is a warning I would offer to someone considering joining a Gothard program: you are walking into a dark cave with no flashlight and without tying off a string to help you find your way back. The system may work great for you. But if it becomes abusive and broken, it will not correct. It will just keep getting worse and worse as you try harder and harder. Eventually the program will cut you loose and you will believe the program would have worked fine and the fault is all yours.
Exactly.
Yes, good way to say it. It isn't self-correcting! If you go astray, you might not find your way back.
Thank you for sharing your story. It surely couldn't have been easy. I believe by doing so it will bring even more healing to your life. Your story is another praise testimony to the mercies and grace of God. May God use it to help other parents and young people get free from the bondage of legalism. It's so hard for me to comprehend how controlling your husband was towards you and your kids relationships. That really breaks my heart. Glad you are free from all that abuse and that you and your kids are experiencing the grace of God. ((Hugs))
Thank you so much for sharing! I'm so glad that you and your children have begun this healing process! God bless in your new ventures! (0:
Wow, thank you for sharing. I've gotten a similar question, with a slight twist: "Where was your father in all this?" It seems that many of our families had one dominant parent who ran the show, and which parent that was varied from family to family, but the imbalance lent itself to the extremes of ATI. When asked this question, I can only shrug and say, "My father did whatever my mother wanted."
I am so amazed at your courage!!! in every way!
All mom's have regrets and it heals a little of the pain from my own mother hearing your story!
I am so sorry that your husband ignored his primary order to love you!
I am so sorry that he refused to train up his children and instead submitted to the greedy desire to control other human beings!
But you are definitely a beacon of hope for me and many others!!!
And I agree with everyone who has commented above and just want to say that you are an amazing beautiful person!
Thank you for sharing your story. I went through a divorce after 11 years of marriage and 5 children. We had done the slow creep towards legalism over the course of that time until I finally said enough. My objections led to the worst 2 years of my life combined with a nightmare divorce where his sole intent was to destroy me. 2 years later I am amazed at my life and how much better things are for me and my children. I married another man who sees me as a partner in life and has never uttered the words "submit" or "obey". I still go through periods of sadness and depression whenever I think about spiritual things. I'm not sure what I believe or why sometimes, and that makes it very hard to answer my children's questions or even the ones in my own head. Every day gets better and better though and I'm slowly forming my own beliefs and thoughts. Keep fighting for what is right, just to file for divorce means you've come so far!
Good for you Sally. "I wish every day that things had been different" is something I think most of us wish our parents felt.
Many of us could be asked the same question during different aspects of our children lives. It doesn't always seem fair, yet we all, occasionly, wonder where we were mentaly, emotionaly and/or spiritually in those days. There are so many layers to peel off as we travel backward. We don't know the whys or even all the hows but God is gracious and I thank God that your son has a voice to share his life journey which has molded him into the man he is today. My love and prayers go out to you Sally!
God s good...all the time.
wow, this is a great day, when we can hear that both the children and at least one parent is living with grace. im sorry for your losses in years and conversations, but im so very glad you can still go on from there and be who you were meant to be in CHRIST!!!!
Thank you for sharing your story as a mother. It gives me hope for the parents I know who still need healing.
[...] leadership dictates, sometimes in great detail, how members should think, act, and feel (for example, members must get permission to date, change jobs, marry—or leaders [...]
Wow, this is so sad, that a mother would be so isolated from her own children and unable to protect them. How heartbreaking . but God is amazing, isn't he?
OMG! Seriously? Way off the deep end. I can't even imagine how you as a mother could stand that. Especially with your daughters. You mean you honestly couldn't have a real conversation with even your daughters without your husband there?
How did the rest of your kids turn out? It's amazing the Kylar could even survive it...