As a teenager in the 1960s, living near Atlanta, Georgia, I often wondered about God and heaven and hoped I had been good enough to get in. Being a normal male who enjoyed life, I wasn’t so sure. My grandparents took me to church, but that stopped when I was 13.

During my junior year of high school, people talked about God’s grace and the free gift of salvation. It sounded too good to be true. So I went on with the belief system I had developed through my childhood, memorizing some scripture and figuring God out for myself.

A thought from God
My life plan was to own a business, perhaps in retail sporting goods. Then in my senior year of high school, a small thing happened that would have great significance in the future. On my way to play ball, in the field my friends and I had made for baseball, John 6:47 popped to mind: “…He that believeth on me hath everlasting life.”

I stopped and told God, “Okay, if there was anything else—aside from believing you died for me and my sins—you would have made it clear. So I trust you. You are enough. I don’t have to do anything but trust you.” Nothing I can do, all Him. Little did I know how important that thought was.

That spring, I went to a retreat sponsored by Atlanta Youth Ranch. The camp was great; full of girls, sports, good music, and a sense of belonging to something important. I found many of the things I’d been looking for but hadn’t known how to put into words. There, I learned that for life to make sense, one needs to study God’s Word, memorize Scripture, pray, and (a real biggie that set apart the truly devoted) witness for Christ.

Do this, do that
Most of all, one must follow rules and obey principles. Learn how to witness better than anyone else. Do this, and God will bless you. Want a great marriage? Do that. Want peace and joy? Do this. Want financial security? Do that. Want your kids to love God? Do this. It is up to us! God will bless you if you believe, work, keep commandments, wear the right clothes, listen to the right music, go the the right places, don’t go to the wrong places, eat the right things, say the right things, and do the right things. Then life will be more than you could ever ask or imagine.

So I did. I dedicated my life to Christ at that retreat and headed to Florida Bible College. Even made Dean’s list a couple of times. I stayed out of school for a year to work and save money so I could go back and finish. Leah Greene and I began dating when I was directing a youth ministry in Red Oak, Georgia. Leah had also dedicated her life to Christ. We married in 1972, and I graduated in 1974.

Back in Atlanta, we did youth work, and I taught and coached at Clayton Christian School. Our church was heavily involved with Institute in Basic Youth Conflicts (IBYC, now IBLP). The church won multiple chalk talks and had them framed and hung in the hallways. Our leadership adopted many of the edicts proclaimed by Bill Gothard, and we strove to implement his ideas in our Christian school.

A year or two later, the Advanced Training Institute of America (ATIA) program was born. My wife and I began a home school program that was tied into Clayton Christian School. In the second year of ATIA, my wife and I joined the program. We moved from our old, large church to a small church that I was chosen to pastor about fifty miles north in Woodstock, Georgia.

I looked forward to God blessing all our hard work and to seeing how following all the steps and principles I had learned would work in people’s lives. What I was about to discover was…they don’t. Now some 25 years later, they still don’t. They do bring out a lot of pride in people, cause disunity in local assemblies, and rip families apart.

Reaping the fruit of legalism
Trying to get people to lead a life that would honor God was killing me. I felt sorely inadequate, and the people I looked up to told me I was not cut out for this. Actually, I was told they never thought I could do the job. Apparently they had been given the gift of leadership, but I had not.

After years of being a Christ follower—years of teaching, memorizing, tithing, giving, praying, living up to the standards, keeping the principles, adhering to the keys—I found myself without a church, without a job, and without skills to find adequate work. I, as well as the original pastor of the church, had been promised money to start a new business (or pay off my house or just put in the bank) upon the sale of the church property. However, we were defrauded by one of the church leaders in a real estate deal. That money disappeared, and the church was foreclosed upon.

So I had other names to call myself besides Sinner saved by grace. “Stupid” was one of my favorites. I felt very much like the failure others had predicted I would be. I thought, At least my kids will be alright. God will eventually see me through this, and the world will see a tremendous testimony of God rewarding faithfulness.

Guess again. My oldest son and daughter delved into sex and alcohol, a little bit of drugs, and just plain stupidity. I got so mad! I screamed at God for being a rip-off. “Don’t tell me you love me if this is the way you show it!” I could not sleep. I had to stay away from the kids and Leah because my anger spilled over on them. “You have lied to me about everything. I did all you expected of a disciple.” There were no secret sins, and I really did pray, tithe, and study enough. I kept my part of the deal, and God did not keep His.

My crisis of faith, and silence from God
To reach this point, I rode a downward spiral of trusting God, seeking answers, and redoubling every effort to find what I must be doing wrong. That process of one step forward and two back took years. Along the way, I heard the truth of living through Christ, but it didn’t make sense—much like when I was a young boy. Living by law had been ingrained in me for many years, and the religious system had actually made me feel good about myself for a long while.

I became an atheist. I told my wife that there can’t be a God, because everything we had been taught about how to follow Him did not work. He is not a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.

Since my senior year of high school, verses would stick in my brain, and I could hear the Holy Spirit speak to me in my thoughts. All my life in Christ, this was true. Now, no verses were coming to my mind, and no thoughts from the Holy Spirit. I said to myself, This proves it. There is no God. I need to figure out a way to make money, because all that matters is the here and now. Thinking this way was actually calming to me. I was less angry at everyone else. None of this was their fault; I had simply been wrong.

Renewing my mind and my family
After a season of silence, one day a verse I knew even before I was in Christ popped to mind. My God! My God! Why have you forsaken me? Immediately, the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, Donny, now you know how I felt! God showed me in that instant that He was there! I realized He loved me, and I also realized everything I had ever been taught about following Him was wrong.

God does not bless us because we keep His laws. God does not answer our prayers because we discover how to say them a certain way. God does not hide Himself so we have to work to find Him. Galatians 2:20 says:

I ( the old me, dead in trespass and sin) am crucified with Christ; nevertheless, I ( the new me, the spirit I, which is alive in Christ, and He in my earthly body) live, yet not I ( the old dead spirit me) but Christ lives in me, and the life that I (the new me) live I live by the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me.

I discovered what God had been trying to tell me on the way to play baseball so many years earlier. I want you! I want a relationship with you that you don’t have to do anything for, just accept. I will make you new. I will make you adequate. I will be your Life—you don’t have to “follow” a person (Jesus) that you are already part of. Where I go, you go. The law served its purpose as it made you understand your need for Me. Now that you have Me, you don’t need the law. It is the strength of sin. (1 Cor. 15:56) In My eyes, you are not a sinner, but a sinless, justified, purified saint. If you forget and try to live out of your old ways, religious or non-religious, things will never work out. Because that is not who you are! I will never leave you or forsake you.

Is God faithful? Yes. Is He a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him? Yes.

Not long after this, I gathered all my kids together. They had been to Christian school, home school, ATI, church, Sunday school, camps, mission trips, and youth groups. I told them: “Everything I have ever taught you about Christianity and following Christ and the Christian life…forget it. It was all wrong!” Then I simply began to live through the Life of Christ that was in me, and be who I am in Him.

Choosing Truth over lies
The most important thing for us to understand is that Bill Gothard is not the problem. Florida Bible College is not the problem. Churches following these Pharisaical practices are not the problem. These are all symptoms. Symptoms of the lies the enemy causes us to believe as he tears us away from our love and trust in God.

Take away all the Pharisees, all the ATI’s, all the legalistic churches, and we will still fall for the lie of our inadequacy. After all, we have been taught that we are just old, wretched Sinners saved by grace. Once I got saved and got my ticket to heaven, I was still a sinner, and I thought I needed to work hard to clean up and change my ways to earn this Life given to me that I don’t deserve.

God has a better plan. I will change you. I will give you a new Spirit, My Holy Spirit. My Spirit is sinless, loving, kind, complete. Your spirit and My Spirit are one. I give you a new identity—My identity. You are sinless, loving, kind, complete. The Scriptures are clear that flesh and blood does not inherit the kingdom of God. So our brains do not get saved. However, they can be transformed.

We can choose to believe the truth of who we are—in Him. Instead of working to live up to His perfection, we can simply just live through Him. He does the work. We are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works. After all, good works are the only kind of works He does.

Today, all seven of our children understand who they are in Christ and are involved in a variety of churches. They are enjoying life and seeing God bless them every day. The four oldest are married, and Leah is making “Grammy” her full-time occupation.

I continue to share with others about God’s grace through counseling and seminars. My desire is to expose the lies of the enemy and illuminate the freedom of being in Christ, and the joy of His Life. I have named my ministry ReCreation. I am enjoying Life and being blessed every day.