Hooked on Principles 

My story is unique in that I first heard about Bill Gothard when I was an adult. As a college student, I joined a small church in a community in north Austin, Texas. I’d thought about going to seminary much over the previous year but I wasn’t certain that I wanted to spend another 3-4 years studying. I wanted to work and be “in life.” One Sunday morning a man stood in the pulpit and told us about a seminar that taught Biblical principles.

The way he described it, I thought it would supply me with the seminary education without the seminary.

After the first night of the Basic Seminar in Austin, I was hooked. I’d heard things that made the Bible seem to come alive; it felt as though the Disciples were real people! The personal illustrations told me that I could be personally involved with the Lord, too. And, of course, the chalk drawings drew me in completely.

Then, the Advanced Seminar told me things about myself that seemed to make so much sense, particularly about spiritual gifts. I thought I was finally coming to understand myself. I’d been looking for someone who could tell me how to get to know the Lord more personally, and here Bill Gothard was. It felt like I was getting all I had ever wanted, and more.

I was so hooked that I burned comic books, regular books, music tapes – and probably a bunch of other stuff I don’t remember now. I wanted to make sure Satan did not have any “ground” in my soul, or even my house. I even confessed all kinds of things to people. Some of the confessions were probably good for my soul, but none of them were motivated by grace.

 Hooked on Legalism

In the winter of 1993, the year after graduating from college, I received a letter from IBLP inviting me to Russia. I went from September to December of that year. There I saw what appeared to be families that loved each other deeply. I’d longed for that with my family since my parents divorced when I was five. So, upon returning to the States, I talked to my mom and step-dad about moving into their house to live with them. I had these grand ideas of having a family like the ones I saw while in Russia. This was a disaster on both sides; nothing went as hoped. I moved out several months later, and a few months after this I received a call from IBLP Headquarters (HQ) asking if I’d work in the Finance Department. I moved to Hinsdale/Oak Brook on February 8, 1995.

While at HQ, I found myself feeling more and more oppressed in heart. It’s difficult to put into words how I felt. If there was a rule I made it higher. If there was a law, then everyone was to follow it; if you didn’t obey, then you were simply a rebel. Eventually, I began to see the fruit of my involvement. Bitterness didn’t leave my heart; joy didn’t flood my soul.  All the steps I’d learned were unable to help me. Yet, at the same time, I kept hearing others tell me of how great things were for them. Other folks appeared “free” to me – especially the “rebels.”  I wondered what was wrong with me. I came to think, more and more, that I was simply not favored by God.

Hooked on Grace

Somehow I came to see that all I was getting were rules and judgments; I wasn’t getting the Lord. I longed to know Him. Finally, after seven years of not heeding the call to attend seminary, I applied to Reformed Theological Seminary in Jackson, Mississippi; after over four years at Headquarters, I drove away from Chicago and headed for Jackson.

However, after Mr.Gothard’s (public and private) warnings about attending “cemetery”, I was nervous going. At the same time, though, I was never more convinced in my heart that I was supposed to be there. Right from the beginning, I was confronted with everything I’d been taught and had come to accept about holiness. From dancing and music to movies and alcohol, I was challenged – not necessarily directly, but just by seeing other students’ behaviors. It took over two years for me to begin a serious unwinding and pull my two lists out of my pockets: the left pocket list of all the things I was supposed to not do to be holy, and the right pocket list of all the things I was supposed to do to be holy.  I vividly remember one evening of studying at seminary. While lying on my bed, reading one of my theology books for class, tears began to fill my eyes. I was finally getting that for which I had longed: the knowledge of God. It was satisfying. This sort of experience never happened in my life through IBLP.

After the two-and-a-half years of unwinding I was finally in a place that I could ask a certain girl out for a date. I was 32, she was 28, and yet I still had fears that I was breaking some Biblical principle of courtship and that God was going to be displeased. (The rules had sunk their claws deep into my sinful soul.) After a few months of serious talking, we were engaged; a few months more and we were married in March 2003. Now we have four wonderful sinners – that is, children – running around (from six years to twenty months old). And, darn it, they don’t always obey, and they don’t know anything about seven principles or thirteen steps of reprobation.

It would be great to say that all my troubles with moralism and legalism are over. But, alas, the ugly monster likes to dog at my backside again and again. After so many years of thinking in terms of rules and principles – and still fighting the fallen nature – self-righteousness still plagues me.  But, the grace of Jesus is growing sweeter and sweeter.