My mother was from an abusive home. My father’s was devoid of affection. They wanted something radically different for their family. In 1980, my parents credited their first Institute in Basic Life Principles Seminar with saving their marriage. My brother was born shortly after, when I was 6.  When Bill Gothard later started a home school program, the Advanced Training Institute (ATI),  my parents thought it a God-send. We were finally accepted into it in the fourth year of the program. I was 13 by this time.

There were a couple of key principles/definitions taught in ATI that had a huge impact on my personal life story. Before I continue I would like to explain them for the sake of showing just how they had a hold on me. 

In the Basic Seminar there are seven “principles” which he holds to be universal and non-optional. One especially damaging principle is “authority,” pictured as an umbrella which protects us from Satan’s fiery darts.  Bill Gothard taught that authorities (the umbrella) are anointed by God, making their spoken and unspoken wishes equal to God’s. It is “divine right” in the modern day. The end result of this extreme view is loss of individuality, personal freedoms and controlling abuse. Additionally, Bill Gothard created a Christianity of works. He redefines grace as “the desire and power to do God’s will.” Since biblical grace and the Holy Spirit’s power to change a person were not acknowledged, the focus became external appearances and actions. In this system, our family bound ourselves with many extra-biblical rules to look good on the outside. We exchanged the commands of God for the traditions of men.

This was a Christianity in which I could never do enough and never measure up, no matter how I tried. My family became controlling to the nth degree. Long after I was legally an adult, I was told what to wear, what music to listen to, where I could go, who I could see, etc. I stayed, believing it was God’s will to allow my parents such control. I was repeatedly “kicked out” over minor infractions. Since college was discouraged, as well as careers for girls, I had no education, no job, no money and no options. I couldn’t have left, even if I had considered it a possibility.

While in my mid 20’s, my parents adopted four teenagers from overseas. Although not technically still enrolled in the program, we were definitely still following the program’s rules. We shared the Gospel, and all four teenagers made professions of faith in Christ. We then burdened them with every rule Gothard had laid on us, telling them this too, was Christ. They challenged it. Surprisingly, they were not questioning Scripture, but questioning whether these extra rules were really found in Scripture.  As we flipped through our Bibles, we became confused, as MOST of these rules did not have a firm Scriptural basis! The adopted siblings flat rebelled. Baffled, my parents tightened the rules further, spurring more rebellion. One by one, each child found a way to leave home, at younger and younger ages. At this point, the motto “every man for himself,” described our family. Jump ship, hurl yourself into the murky waters of life without adequate preparation. Sink or swim. Parents against children, children against parents.

We did not all survive to tell about it. One of my adopted brothers dropped out of his senior year of school (my parents had allowed the adopted children to attend private school by this time) to live with my biological brother. I knew he struggled without the resources to pursue his dreams, especially a high school diploma. Alternate routes to his diploma proved unsuccessful. Moving back home to finish school was not an option he considered viable. He knew the parental control this would entail, even though legally he was an adult. For my brother, the end came two weeks shy of his nineteenth birthday. He committed suicide in their apartment. He was with us three and a half years from his adoption. When word reached his family and friends overseas, their response was disbelief: “He would simply never give up like that; it was not his nature. Not when he lived here.”

My own journey out of legalism began upon leaving the influence of our mostly-ATI church. By now, the sum total of my Christian life was a list of rules I must keep to have a relationship with God, and a constant fear of displeasing Him. Finally I swore, “If this is all there is to Christianity, I want no more of it!” I knew there must be something more, Someone more than this pitiful little god that I kept in a box, constrained to operate within my conscripted formulas.