My mother was from an abusive home. My father’s was devoid of affection. They wanted something radically different for their family. In 1980, my parents credited their first Institute in Basic Life Principles Seminar with saving their marriage. My brother was born shortly after, when I was 6. When Bill Gothard later started a home school program, the Advanced Training Institute (ATI), my parents thought it a God-send. We were finally accepted into it in the fourth year of the program. I was 13 by this time.
There were a couple of key principles/definitions taught in ATI that had a huge impact on my personal life story. Before I continue I would like to explain them for the sake of showing just how they had a hold on me.
In the Basic Seminar there are seven “principles” which he holds to be universal and non-optional. One especially damaging principle is “authority,” pictured as an umbrella which protects us from Satan’s fiery darts. Bill Gothard taught that authorities (the umbrella) are anointed by God, making their spoken and unspoken wishes equal to God’s. It is “divine right” in the modern day. The end result of this extreme view is loss of individuality, personal freedoms and controlling abuse. Additionally, Bill Gothard created a Christianity of works. He redefines grace as “the desire and power to do God’s will.” Since biblical grace and the Holy Spirit’s power to change a person were not acknowledged, the focus became external appearances and actions. In this system, our family bound ourselves with many extra-biblical rules to look good on the outside. We exchanged the commands of God for the traditions of men.
This was a Christianity in which I could never do enough and never measure up, no matter how I tried. My family became controlling to the nth degree. Long after I was legally an adult, I was told what to wear, what music to listen to, where I could go, who I could see, etc. I stayed, believing it was God’s will to allow my parents such control. I was repeatedly “kicked out” over minor infractions. Since college was discouraged, as well as careers for girls, I had no education, no job, no money and no options. I couldn’t have left, even if I had considered it a possibility.
While in my mid 20’s, my parents adopted four teenagers from overseas. Although not technically still enrolled in the program, we were definitely still following the program’s rules. We shared the Gospel, and all four teenagers made professions of faith in Christ. We then burdened them with every rule Gothard had laid on us, telling them this too, was Christ. They challenged it. Surprisingly, they were not questioning Scripture, but questioning whether these extra rules were really found in Scripture. As we flipped through our Bibles, we became confused, as MOST of these rules did not have a firm Scriptural basis! The adopted siblings flat rebelled. Baffled, my parents tightened the rules further, spurring more rebellion. One by one, each child found a way to leave home, at younger and younger ages. At this point, the motto “every man for himself,” described our family. Jump ship, hurl yourself into the murky waters of life without adequate preparation. Sink or swim. Parents against children, children against parents.
We did not all survive to tell about it. One of my adopted brothers dropped out of his senior year of school (my parents had allowed the adopted children to attend private school by this time) to live with my biological brother. I knew he struggled without the resources to pursue his dreams, especially a high school diploma. Alternate routes to his diploma proved unsuccessful. Moving back home to finish school was not an option he considered viable. He knew the parental control this would entail, even though legally he was an adult. For my brother, the end came two weeks shy of his nineteenth birthday. He committed suicide in their apartment. He was with us three and a half years from his adoption. When word reached his family and friends overseas, their response was disbelief: “He would simply never give up like that; it was not his nature. Not when he lived here.”
My own journey out of legalism began upon leaving the influence of our mostly-ATI church. By now, the sum total of my Christian life was a list of rules I must keep to have a relationship with God, and a constant fear of displeasing Him. Finally I swore, “If this is all there is to Christianity, I want no more of it!” I knew there must be something more, Someone more than this pitiful little god that I kept in a box, constrained to operate within my conscripted formulas.
God sovereignly guided me to a very grace-oriented church. One day, I cornered a church elder and said, “What is the big deal about grace? When did grace become a huge cloud blocking out the sky?” His response: “Well… grace is sort of what it’s all about!” That was the first inkling I had, of how BIG a concept I had missed.
Meanwhile, my home life deteriorated further. I felt increasingly restricted at home, but was learning even more about grace at church. It was a huge paradox. I was learning foundational new truths about God. Yet the freedom I was learning in Christ, did not compute with my experiences at home and the constant control. I couldn’t reconcile these new revelations with the hell of my daily life. I lapsed into a severe depression.
My chance to permanently break free came when I visited a friend… and never returned home. Seeing my emotional distress and conflict, she opened her home to me since I had nowhere else to go. I called my mother and told her I wasn’t coming home. My mother’s response was explosive. Only with my friend’s support did I stand firm. I was 28 at this time.
I started from scratch learning how to get a job, how to get a college education, how to live on my own, and how to support myself. As I took control of my own life, my depression lifted. I have learned that I am both saved and sanctified by grace and that neither process is a result of my own effort. It is God’s work, not mine. It is grace which draws us to Christ; we could not come to Christ without the Holy Spirit’s draw. I learned this process does not disappear at the moment of Salvation. The Holy Spirit does not leave us to “go it alone,” but remains as our counselor, perfecter and comforter. The grace of God is a dynamic power, which never gives up on us.
Eventually, God began a work of healing in my family. I am grateful that today, relationships are restored and family members have come to an understanding of grace. My parents are not the same people I grew up with. God has done a work in their lives, and I now recognize that the psychological hold and the brainwashing effect of Gothard’s organization allowed justification of actions otherwise considered unacceptable.
Grace is Romans 5:8–that when we were unworthy, God came looking for us, risking everything to the vulnerability of relationship, knowing we would reciprocate in abuse.
Grace is a putrid beggar, entering the throne room,
while the King runs to embrace him:
“This is my beloved son! Come, eat at my table!”
Grace is defined by relationship.
"Hannah" was in the ATI program for approximately 10 years, from the age of 13 until her early 20's. She spent a year at the Moscow Training Center in Russia. "Hannah" is now a missionary's wife and is mother to a very active 11-month-old. Her heart and passion is for those who have never heard the Name of Jesus.
August 21, 2020
Hannah--wow, just wow. Thank you so much for sharing your story! We've both come such a long way since we first met while working in Russia, haven't we?!
Yes, Beverly! Thank God for GRACE!
Hannah, I am so sorry that you had to endure such pain growing up. Legalism is so damaging. It grieves my heart today to read about your brother's suicide on account of the pressures of legalistic rules. I know that he is one of several and that is truly heart-breaking. It's times like these that God's forgiveness and mercies are so meaningful. It does my heart good to also read that you have experienced true grace in your own life as well as your parents discovering what God's grace is all about. So glad you all have reconciled. "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free." John. 8:32 Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you, Mrs. Cornish (you rock! ;)
"I felt increasingly restricted at home, but was learning even more about grace at church. It was a huge paradox." This was such a common story among ATI-ers. Devistating.
The "principle" of authority has ruined so many parent-child relationships. I wish Bill could see clearly how much damage he has done. I remember in one of Kylar's articles, he summed it up so well when he stated something like: "I felt trapped in 'God's best' for my life."
wow, thank you for your courage in expressing this horrible story. grace is the reason any of us are here, for without it GOD would see all our sin without the blood of CHRIST covering us. your life is an inspiration to all of us.
Well written. I would like to clarify that from my perspective, as his best friend, our brother's suicide had less to do with the legalism he encountered in our family and more to do with the tremendous losses he had already experienced in his young life. The Gothardism played a role, to be sure. But it was more like the straw that broke the camel's back than the heavy weight which brought about his death. I do not accept that our brother came from lostness in the orphanages of Russia and losing both parents, to a family who gave their best (regardless of how short their best fell) to love him and share Jesus with him, and it was the latter who drove him to take his own life. I don't know that Hannah meant to suggest such a notion, but in the interest of fairness I want to raise doubt about the idea that our parents were responsible for his death. I knew him better than anyone and I said the same thing, it wasn't in his nature. I was as shocked as anyone. Other than that I would corroborate and agree with the entire account.
Hello, Brother!
I do agree that the Gothardism exacerbated issues which were already there. I believe our brother died for reasons common to suicidal actions and ideation: feeling he was out of options and out of hope. I think the issues in our family, many of which I believe to be the direct fruit of the Gothard teachings, did contribute in large part to his perception of hopelessness. Partly because I had the same feelings of despair and hopelessness around the same time frame, for similar reasons.
Just wanted to say I read your poignant comment and valued your perspective. Your family has been through a lot and it would be just that much more of a burden if people were looking at your family and clucking their tongues while dismissing the good will and the love expressed to your brother in his tragically short life. Surely the life that went before was a very significant part of the mix and surely the love that was expressed by you and your family was meaningful.
I feel for the siblings of those who share here and at other public places. Each person shares from their own experience, perspective, and emotions. It can bring up a lot of emotion for the other family members who have their own perspective and their own memories.
Hannah, thanks so much for sharing your story!
Wow!!! That is such an amazing story! Brings up some memories. I was reading it to my husband and when I got to the point where you said that you were 28 he was stunned. It is horrible how this bondage is holding young people out of their own lives.
Hugs!!!