A Letter From My Heart

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A Letter From My Heart

A Letter From My Heart

5 October 2011, 06:00

Dear Friends,

I’m 32 years old and married to my beautiful wife of 3 years. We have a 2-year-old boy and a 10-month-old girl and I love being their dad. In fact, baby #3 is in the oven and we are excited about our growing family! We don’t feel an obligation to fulfill God’s command in Genesis to populate the earth all on our own. We just want four kids (at least).

I have recently completed my BA degree in Christian Ministries at the Master’s College, Center for Professional Studies, Santa Clarita, CA. Prior to that, I earned my Associate’s degree in Biblical Studies from Moody Bible Institute, Chicago. Had I held to what I caught from Gothard’s teaching, I would have never attended Bible college and I would have missed a great deal of excellent teaching!

When people inquire as to my course of study in college and find out I’m an electrician, they don’t get it. Part of my drive to study Bible and theology was to find answers for my own life and to share that with others as the occasions arise. In retrospect, I think I had more questions because of the advanced training in legalism through “The Institute.”

I was schooled in how to discern if music was sensual. I judged people by how many buttons on their shirt were open. Only the top button, for guy or gal, was within standard. College was only for those who were in rebellion. Church youth groups were bad. Sports were bad. Taking a girl on a date was bad. My brother drove a stake in the ground (a literal piece of wood) as a go-to for when he had doubts about his salvation. (He now knows better.) I was tormented with doubts about my own salvation. I had no clue about sanctification. I believe that good, sound doctrine would have helped me immensely as a young kid and teenager. (Specifically the doctrine of grace, which is huge–as is demonstrated in the name of this website.)

When the AIDS scare came out in the 1980’s, my family was petrified. We stopped swimming at the lake and pool. There was an ordinate fear that came, I believe, from neglecting to understand the Sovereignty of God. Bill Gothard offered a man-centered system of works and merit that kills grace. Ziggy was satanic, Smurfs were satanic, and the worst of them all, Cabbage Patch dolls. Further, my “rebellious” sister had a clock that we were certain had a satanic influence in our home. (There is much more to this story of my sister, but not for here or now. She loves the Lord and is growing in grace today.) Yes, an inanimate wall clock. We prayed over that thing. The kind of superstition that was going on in my “Evangelical Christian” home blows my mind. We suffered from a small view of God and a twisted interpretation of the Holy Scriptures. The prevailing fear of catching AIDS and the superstition over dolls and clocks was no different than the spiritually darkened middle ages when people were illiterate and untaught.

This is my story. My intent is not to rehearse the ins and outs of Bill Gothard’s teaching, or to make official statements about his specific teaching, or to entirely disagree with everything he teaches. (Albeit, his handling of the Bible is most scary.) My story began as one of the early Advanced Training Institute of America (ATIA) families. In fact I had a certain pride that we were part of the first, small number of ATIA families. It has been over twenty years since I was in the ATIA home-schooling program, and I still have to fight some of the worldviews that arise from those underpinnings. But I’m thankful to now be well-equipped to do so biblically.

“My view of myself was so big when I felt I had to keep all the codes that my Savior was small in my thinking.”

The Grace Awakening, a book by Charles Swindoll, was given to me by one of my pastors about five years ago. In there, he describes “grace killers.” Go ahead and order the book and read it! The Grace Awakening helped me work through some of those issues of Christian liberty and simply understanding the grace of God. (I’m due to read it again.) The difference in a legalistic system and a grace-centered life is motivation. I love my Savior and am motivated to holiness because of thankfulness for what He has done rather than pride for merit I believe I’ve achieved. Just because I believe in grace does not make me seek out ways to abuse grace. But my view of myself was so big when I felt I had to keep all the codes that my Savior was small in my thinking. Legalism feeds human pride and kills grace.

Thanks for reading,

All articles on this site reflect the views of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of other Recovering Grace contributors or the leadership of the site. Students who have survived Gothardism tend to end up at a wide variety of places on the spiritual and theological spectrum, thus the diversity of opinions expressed on this website reflects that. For our official statement of beliefs, click here.

About the author

Ed Barnett from Tyler, TX

5 Comments

Elizabeth October 5, 2011 Reply

Thank you so much for this article! "The difference in a legalistic system and a grace-centered life is motivation. I love my Savior and am motivated to holiness because of thankfulness for what He has done rather than pride for merit I believe I’ve achieved." WOW - exactly what I've been working through, but I wouldn't have expressed it so eloquently!
"Hannah" October 5, 2011 Reply

Ah, but we can only be motivated by either a desire for gain or a fear of loss! Iow, altruistic motives are impossible! Strange that a motivation of love was never considered possible.
SaraJ October 5, 2011 Reply

Yes! Legalism gives us an unnaturally large view of ourselves: we are working so hard to do everything right that there's not a lot of room for Jesus (He doesn't want me around if I'm not up to standard anyway) and other people (I can't minister to others if my own heart isn't right). One relief of shedding a legalistic mindset has been that I don't have to evaluate myself so constantly.
MatthewS October 6, 2011 Reply

Awesome! I love Grace Awakening. And I agree, the "grace killers" are apt descriptions.
RachelG October 7, 2011 Reply

Ed, thank you so much for sharing your story! I've caught a small glimpse of your life over the past few years and you've always motivated and spurred me in my walk with God. ***But my view of myself was so big when I felt I had to keep all the codes that my Savior was small in my thinking. Legalism feeds human pride and kills grace.***
This is so true. One of the hardest pills to swallow coming out of ATI is the wasted years of a works oriented religion verses a relationship built solely on grace.

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