Then, through a bizarre series of events my closest friend and co-worker left the training center. This left me with extra work to do and completely alone.

I went to my “authorities” and let them know that I could not continue to be on staff the next year. I was asked to have a meeting with Mr. Gothard so that I could discuss this issue and we could figure out what was to happen next. During this meeting with Mr. Gothard I had people in and out of the office bring messages to him and asking him “important” questions. While I was talking he sat nodding off until I was so frustrated by the interruptions and his lack of attention that I began to cry. I was so tired of what seemed to be pretense of being concerned about people. Not being one to cry in public, I was embarrassed. I felt hope when Mr. Gothard patted my knee and told me that I was clearly burned out and tired and they would find someone else to take my position the next year.

For the next few months I was busy trying to find a replacement for my position. I found someone but she was “overweight” and not the right fit for the position. Frustrated, I realized that I was going to be pressured to stay. Sure enough, I was asked to reconsider leaving. Feeling trapped and without a choice, I laid out three conditions. They were all agreed to.

I was so conflicted at this point in my life. I had tried so hard to please God and nothing was going right. How could that be? God always blessed when you do what He wants you to, doesn’t He? Instead I felt judged and distant from Him. Yet I was doing all that my authorities asked of me. I knew as I went back that the only way I could survive my time there was to be the person they wanted me to be. So I plastered a smile over my breaking heart and threw myself into my work.

It did not take long to realize that once again I had been lied to. The director who agreed to my terms only met one of my conditions! The work load continued and I found myself agreeing to do things that were not ethical. I tried to “protect” those under me from a lot of those things and allow them the rest and freedoms that I wasn’t getting myself. I was, after all, their “authority” and it was my job to make sure my umbrella wasn’t leaking.

After years on staff, burned out, and betrayed by those closest to me, I hit a breaking point. Something was said about me that changed my reputation over night. I spent three days in my room, not eating, just crying. I was so low and in a fog that I couldn’t even figure out a way to kill myself. I am convinced that the fog was God’s protection of me because I couldn’t figure out how to commit suicide during those three days.

Every part of me was wrapped up in my work and the people around me. To not have their approval and the approval of those I tried desperately to please was devastating. To see all that I worked for laying in ashes at my feet was like seeing me dead. I had nothing to live for, and no hope of getting out. The third night I heard a knock at my door. I opened the door expecting yet another angry person, but what I saw was my friend who had left months before! She had business at the Training Center and had come by to see me. She took one look at me and said, “I don’t know what is going on, and I don’t want to know right now. Pack your bags, you are coming home with me tonight.” We left after 10 p.m. by the side door so no one would see me. I truly believe that she saved my life. Her family graciously opened their home and I lived with them for three months! They not only opened their home but also their hearts. At a time when I thought that no one cared, they showed me true sacrificial love. I can never begin to express or repay what that has continued to mean to me. I will always be grateful to them.

A few days into my stay with them I was able to figure out a little bit of what happened at the Training Center, and knew that there was no way I was going to go back there. I went back after 10 p.m. to clear out my office and write a resignation letter. I left it at the front desk and never looked back!

A few months later, I was sitting in the financial aid office at a Bible college. The financial aid officer saw something in me, broken as I was. She asked me to interview for the position as her assistant. I wasn’t interested in working with yet another ministry but I knew a job doesn’t just drop in your lap everyday! So I interviewed and got the job. I began a journey that allowed me to see that there were people that listened to rock music, wore pants and did other “worldly” things, but were people who truly loved God and lived to serve Him. Not like I did, concerned with the everyday and what things looked like to those around me. They truly loved God. I found myself healing and understanding what God’s grace looked like and how He loved me just because I was His child! I didn’t have to earn His favor and grace! It was a gift because I was His. My heart began to desire again to please Him–to find out what truly did please Him. Not because I had to, but because I could!

It was also during this time that I became familiar with a book called “A Matter of Basic Principles.” That book changed my life. I still had in the back of my mind that somehow I had failed God and was rebellious because things didn’t happen the way Mr. Gothard promised they would. I read the book with one finger in the footnotes. The sad thing was I knew the stories were true because almost each one had been a situation that I had been somewhat familiar with during my time at the Training Center. I began to understand that the teachings had really messed with my view of who God was. I began to truly see God’s true grace as a gift to me. I have grieved over the losses I experienced and began to process what was still holding me back from living a free life.

I can’t say that my life has been easy. My journey to healing began again this spring when I had a panic attack after seeing a booth at a home school convention. I joined an online support group and was told that I hadn’t processed, grieved, or repented over a pain-filled past. Through this process, I was able to try to make right a situation that bothered me from the past. I have grieved over the losses I experienced and began to process what was still holding me back from living a free life.

I’m married to a wonderful man who is not in ministry. We have two energetic, smart boys. We have survived two deployments to Iraq, four moves, and three job changes. I can claim that God has been faithful through the years and has been quick to show His heart and love for my family and for me!

Today, I feel like a weight has been lifted from my life. I know that God created me as an individual, and now I am on a quest to find out who that really is. Finding out what I enjoy doing, how I can serve Him now using my gifts and abilities. Not with the attitude that pleasing my authorities equals pleasing God. I am finding that my heart is awake and crying to please God again. The difference is, now I know I am.