As many of you are aware, Recovering Grace was born from the hearts of children, now adults, raised using Bill Gothard’s home-school program, The Advanced Training Institute (ATI).
We reached adulthood and realized that life was not what we were told…that there are not seven steps to health, wealth and general prosperity. That no amount of Scripture memorization shields you from hurt and pain. That you can yield every single right you have and still end up with a child who has cancer or a marriage that has failed. That character itself will not get you any job you want. But I think that what is often most painful is the broken relationship with our parents.
It often appears that our parents think we are bitter–bitter towards them for not providing us “x”. They think that our questions and different beliefs are because we don’t love God. Our relationships with our parents can feel performance driven, even as adults. They respond to our questions by reacting hurt instead of what we want most–a simple “I’m sorry.”
The following thoughts are excerpts from former ATI students to the question “What would you like your parents to understand?”.
Dear Dad and Mom,
- You don’t have to take everything personally. Just like you always wished *your* parents wouldn’t take it so personally when *you* did things differently.
- Just because I feel that I’ve seen the light regarding ATI and Bill Gothard, and don’t agree with the choices you made for us/your family doesn’t mean I hate you or don’t love you.
- I would like to know why you trusted Bill Gothard, speakers at conferences, and leaders at Training Centers so blindly with your young teenage daughter, and why you never questioned anything or put anything up against what the Bible actually says. I don’t understand why everything Bill says is golden no matter what respected Christians and their own children tell you. I am really confused on where this loyalty came from. You are very smart and wise people.
- I am my own person, and I am trustworthy with my own life.
- I wish that you could understand that while our family didn’t always drink the “Kool-aid,” the experiences I had in the Training Center’s were enough for me to have more serious wounds than you *think* or *feel* that I have. Mom, you are more understanding… but Dad, I’m tired of having defend my personal feelings regarding this subject every time it comes up. I just need you to LISTEN!!
- I cannot live my life according to your plans and dreams for “the perfect family.” I have to live my own. It is possible to disagree with you and still love you. Having my own opinion is not rejecting you.
- Why did my choosing a Godly man that would do anything for me, break your hearts? Why don’t you understand that weddings tear me up? Why, 12 years later, do I still wait for an apology or an ounce of regret?
- I wish when I talk with you that you wouldn’t try to sugar-coat everything bad that happened to me while in ATI. Stop making excuses and just say you were wrong; and don’t tell me about all the “good” that came out of it! You didn’t go through the same crap as me at a Training Center, so stop pretending it didn’t happen!!!!
- Please just say, “I’m sorry. I messed up, and I love you.”
- You are extremely emotionally-controlling and create codependency in people….I know you don’t see it. That is why I have to create this space between us. You’ve used your words like swords, pounding me with Scripture and religious idealism when I just needed understanding and freedom. I’m not sure how to have a relationship with you that is built on respect.
- What upsets me most about my upbringing isn’t the stupid doctrines and rules we had to follow. It isn’t the fact that you got us into that mess. It’s the fact that, even now, you refuse to say you’re sorry, that you were wrong, and that it hurt us. It’s always someone else’s fault, never yours, or else it never happened at all. You want to forget about everything awful and broken without ever going back to fix it. You are offended that I am working through this stuff on my own, and that I blame you for so much of it.But as a parent, I really don’t understand. If my child came to me and said that something we used to do really caused her pain and affected her life negatively, I would never blame her for that or tell her not to talk about it, and would be the first to own up and apologize for my part in it. You always treated me like your child, a child that would never grow up until you said I could. But I grew up in spite of you. What did you think would happen? You taught me my whole life to never take anyone’s word on any subject, but to study and discern for myself what the truth is. When I did just that and decided you were wrong, you freaked out. But what did you expect? So now I’m working through all the crap that you say never happened and certainly wasn’t your fault. Fine. You don’t want to be a part of my healing journey. Just don’t try to stop me, discourage me, or get in my way. You say you want a better relationship….but a healthy relationship is one where the truth is freely spoken, fault is freely admitted, and you won’t speak it and won’t allow me to, therefore we cannot have the relationship you want. What you really want is for everything ugly to be ignored and stuffed, and pretend that it never happened. But I stopped pretending a long time ago. I’m actually not very good at it anymore. When I write or speak with passion about the pain, healing, and emotions I feel, please don’t get offended. Mourn with me, laugh with me, hurt with me, heal with me. I won’t pretend things weren’t said or done, and brokenness never occurred. Speaking the truth about my past has been the most freeing and healing thing I’ve ever experienced. You can go with me there, or you can get out of the way. You choose. The one thing you cannot do is belittle, invalidate, or stop me. The more I speak out, the more freedom I give others to speak out, and the more truth is allowed to set hearts free. I will never regret that.Here’s the other thing: I can look back on so many painful things and realize they made me who I am. I can now say that while I wince to remember some things, I do not regret them (well, most of them… there’s a few I can’t say that about). I like who I’ve become. I’m at peace with who I am. I know that everything–good, bad, and ugly–made me this person. So I don’t have bitterness toward you or anyone else, and very little resentment is left. I’ve come to see that everything–life AND death, rejoicing AND mourning, building up AND tearing down–are all beautiful in their time, and all a part of a life well-lived. But that didn’t happen overnight. It’s taken me 10 years to get here and I’m still discovering issues that need to be worked through and fought out, and come to grips with. Sometimes the pain, anger and brokenness just has to pour out and fill pages before it can be released. Please don’t discourage me in that. This is my journey, my life, and it has to be done my way. As a parent now myself, I appreciate even more the sacrifices you made for us. I still love you, no matter what. I’m still here, waiting for you to get past your fear of admitting you were wrong, waiting to work toward trust restored, waiting to have a real, sincere, open relationship where I can be myself without fear of rejection or retribution, knowing I will be accepted and that who I am is good enough. A relationship where you don’t have to be perfect either–just honest and real. It’s okay to admit mistakes. I won’t hate you. I already know most of them. And I love you anyway.
- I am tired of every time I bring something up you “spiritualize” it with–“What man meant for evil, God meant for good.” Can’t you just listen to my hurts without trying to do this to me? It makes me not want to share my heart with you because you have shown that you dismiss my feelings as if it didn’t matter with putting a “spiritual band-aid” over it all! Just say, “I am sorry that happened,” and admit that it was a cult!
- You always told me, “When you have children of your own, you will understand.” A year ago, I became a mother. A million hopes and dreams are wrapped up in this child. I know some of them will be realized, some won’t. I know that he is his own individual person, and he will choose his own path. I know that someday he will leave me…and that’s what he is supposed to do. I will pour my energy and resources into helping him become the self-sufficient adult he needs to be. And I know he will then have a choice as to whether he will still be friends with me. I hope to make that choice easy for him. And no, I don’t understand. I want my child to find his own relationship with God, I want him to know that it is okay to fail. Not to be controlled by an external measure of right and wrong, but to be propelled by a real, inner love for God, which doesn’t necessarily manifest itself the way I think it should on the outside. I want my son to know that my approval of him is not based on his performance, but on a love that will never let him go. I am a mother, and I don’t understand.
- Mom, thanks for trying to think of ways you might have damaged me, and for wanting to apologize now. But please, could you stop following the formula that says if you make it right, your daughter will be fixed now? I wish I could call you and tell you how I struggle, but if I do, you will blame yourself, lose sleep, tell your friends, send me Scripture, and wait for me to be fixed. Why can’t you just hear me, understand me, relate to me, and offer practical, real-world advice? Dad, I know you regret the lies you bought into on our behalf. I know you feel foolish and duped. But please, stop getting that stunned, fearful look on your face when I tell you that I’m raising my kids differently. Let me tell you that I’m learning new things without obsessing over the idea that you might have failed. That I am too different. My rejection of the “Basic Principles” is not a rejection of you or of God. It is a journey toward true freedom in Christ, lightness of spirit, and a peaceful home. Please realize that I am all grown up now. I am you, thirty-odd years ago, with three small kids and a desire to bring them up in the way that they should go. Your way was different from your parents, and my way is different from yours. But our intent is the same, and I understand your journey. Don’t feel judged by me. I know your friends judge you for the way your kids turned out. And I know you’ve decided it doesn’t matter, that you love us and are proud of us for asking questions, and stepping out as respectfully as we knew how. But I know that you are still living there, in that bubble of fundamentalists, being judged by them. I ache for you. If you left them and could worship God with true grace and freedom, maybe I could talk to you about the real stuff I need help with. You are so wise and you have so much experience, but you are shackled by your environment, by your guilt, and by distance. Your kids have left the bondage, but we haven’t left you; and we need you in a new role that you have, but have maybe not fully considered. We don’t need leadership, we need bolstering. We don’t need your authority, we need your wisdom. We need your forgiveness, and grace, and patience, and humor, and experience. We have so much potential, you and your children, and now your grandchildren.
- The fact that I am re-examining the teachings I was brought up with is NOT intended as a criticism of you personally. I love you. Whether you were right or wrong. So can we get past the personal stuff and just examine these teachings in a detached, UN-emotional way, just trying to see what the Bible says? Or if you don’t want to, can you at least not get hurt when I try to? Seriously, I love you, but this is not about you. This is about ME and MY spiritual journey. Just like you had to examine Catholicism because that’s what you were raised with, and then came to the conclusion that it wasn’t biblical, and tried to share that with your parents…were you doing that to rebel or to hurt them? Or because you didn’t want them trapped in an un-biblical system? I think it’s pretty obvious it was the latter. Can you give me the same kind of kindness and openness you wish they would have shown?
- I wish you could one day love me enough to realize I’m a person, not a possession. Love me enough to want to see me happy–and try to help me achieve that. I was a kid who should have been nurtured. A teen, who should have been encouraged. A young adult, who wanted to do great things but had all that thrown right back in my face. I wish you could understand what you did to my ability to trust. I gave you every bit of trust I had, believing that you would help me achieve my dreams. I then learned to hold every hope close to my heart because of seeing every one of those dreams re-worked to match yours. They were no longer mine. You tried to hand me your dreams disguised as my own and encouraged me to live them out as far as they would take me…well as far as the string you tied to me would let me go with them anyway. Setting out on my own, I had no ability to trust either myself or others. I had an immense fear that any decision I made on my own would ruin my life and any future I hoped to have. At the same time, I didn’t know who really had my best interest at heart. Who was really “good-hearted”–because you weren’t, and that’s all I knew in life. If I could get you to understand one thing about my journey away from your world to this point, I’d want you to understand somehow that trust is precious and earned, not demanded. It grows as you see a person treat you and others with dignity and respect. You earn trust by lending support to those you care about–not by demanding everything in them. You raised us to know right from wrong and taught us practical Christianity; you should have trusted us to use that training while we still had your support to lean on–before you pushed us so far that we had to leave.
- I do not believe God ever intended for us to place people in the place of authority over the Holy Spirit! I believe ATI is incredibly imbalanced in this aspect of its teachings. This imbalance is what places ATI on the exact same level as a cult. God would be very disappointed…. and shame on you. You have harmed Jesus’ little ones.
- Just because your children are asking questions that you wouldn’t, and making choices that you wouldn’t, doesn’t mean that they are rejecting God or that you are a failure.
- You took part of my childhood away. Kids are supposed to learn to deal with stress and discipline so they are able to take on the challenges of adulthood, but you went so far as to take fun and enjoyment out of life in the pursuit of creating the perfect children. Even fun things were shadowed by your displeasure of everything.
- I don’t blame you. I TRULY BELIEVE you were doing what you thought was best for our family! I am NOT bitter. But I so wish you could swallow your pride long enough to realize that this program caused serious damage in my life. Stop telling me how much money you forked-out for me to have these bad experiences, and just say “I’m sorry you were hurt.”
- My rejection of Gothardism is not a rejection of you, nor a reflection on you as parents.
- This is a journey. It can’t be dealt with in just a few months and put behind me forever; it will take years. There are triggers that gradually bring new issues to light. Reprogramming takes time. ATI gave me a distorted view of the Christian life and a God that I could never please or love. By His true, unmerited grace, I am gradually learning who God really is. It’s probably hard for you to admit that I was raised in a culture that actually stunted my Christian faith, but I still firmly believe that, despite all the good things you learned in ATI/IBLP, it’s not worth all the baggage I came away with. And, yes, I do believe that God works all things for good, but that doesn’t mean that the past decisions were the right ones. I don’t blame you (we all make mistakes and that’s okay), but I need you to listen, believe me, understand as best you can, and love me exactly where I am.
- Now that I’m a parent myself, I understand the pull both to do everything you can to protect your kids as well as the fear that other people are judging you for the negative things your children do. But I wish you could understand how your zeal to protect both me and your reputation came at such a high price–one that I’m still paying to this day. I was hurt very deeply by my experiences in ATI, and then even more so when you dismissed my pain by simply assuming I was bitter or rebellious. Don’t worry though–these experiences have led me to a place of intimacy with Jesus that you always hoped for. I’m just sorry that you can’t see it because it doesn’t fit your paradigm of what that’s supposed to look like.
- Please care more about me as a person, and my children as people, than about being right.
Love,
Your Children
This letter is not meant to hurt, but to bring healing. Healing that we so desperately desire. Some parents have reached out to their children. They have admitted to their own need of healing. Relationships have been built--true relationships. Some of us are still waiting. Hopeful. Some have no hope...So we wait for the day when God wipes away all tears and heals the broken hearts.
Recovering Grace would like to note that there are many cases where abuse occurred within families. Healing in those cases requires more than a parent saying "I'm sorry". The previous article is not meant to address these cases but those where healing is less complex
I read this with tears running down my face!! My parents have come a long way but if only my in-laws could read this!! Our hearts are so broken by their complete rejection of us and our children all because they MUST be right! I wish I could echo the words written here and have them understand how much we long to be loved and accepted and given the freedom to grow and walk with the Lord for ourselves!! We reject their attempts to control, manipulate, and mead out judgement on God's behalf; we aren't rejecting THEM!!! Oh, how my heart breaks that they can't see the difference!!!
Many times the writers on this site are defending themselves trying to convince people that they are not bitter,and I just wanted to add a word of encouragement for them.I find their hearts so refreshing after everything they have been through.I see no bitterness at all.I know many many people who have grown up under ATI/IBLP teachings and are very angry today.I have not seen the same sentiments in those who share their stories on this site.Their honestly has helped me let go of some of the anger I have had towards my parents as they went through their own ' let's try to be like the amazing ATI families' phase.
So thank you for sharing your stories and encouraging all of those who grew up under the heavy 'Godly' influence of people like Bill Gothard.Thank you for encouraging us to continue to seek grace,and not to abandon our faith.Thank you for having the courage to forgive,and thank you for not using this site to try and bring others down,but to shed light on real problems.
I'm not trying to reproach what everyone on here is doing. I understand that people were hurt, but I think that in many cases it wasn't because of a particular teaching of ATI but because someone applied it incorrectly. I can say from personal experience that the directors of the training centers did not always see eye to eye with Mr. Gothard. They did their own things and set their own rules. Mr. Gothard's dream was to turn the hearts of the children TO their fathers and the hearts of the fathers TO their children. This is certainly not what he had in mind. The things he taught were never meant to be taken as scriptural authority, only as tools, and I think many parents misused the program and turned it into a religion with Mr. Gothard as god and the wisdom booklets as scripture, the training centers as temples and the special speakers as prophets. This was never Mr. G's intent.
I think you are right that it the Basic Seminar was not started with the intent to control or hurt people.Mr. Gothard really thought he had insight to share with people who needed it,but unfortunately,positions of power can be very heady places.Once the number of people involved multiplies like it did in the IBLP/ATI arena, Mr. Gothard cannot be held accountable for how each individual leader/family practices the principles he teaches.But he has never ever tried to reconcile what ATI has become to what he originally intended, even though today it is apparent that it often looks like a cult to outsiders.He has never validated people who were hurt (at least publicly) he has never stepped up to say that people have distorted his original intent.He has stood passively by and allowed people to abuse positions of power he put them in.And that makes him responsible for many of the things these writers are bringing to light.
A man in Mr. Gothard's position of extreme influence and authority could do so much. I personally witnessed him blow of "kids" who came to him for help in abusive situations. He may not be delivering the actual blows, but he certainly put the stick in parents hands and plugged his ears.
I like to believe that you are right, in that Mr.G began with good intentions. But it's clear that we aren't talking about a few wayward families here... the numbers of those hurt and abused and disillusioned are in the thousands. I'm quite sure that no one is placing all of the blame on his shoulders, but I've been disheartened to see how little he has done to put a stop to the abuse of Scripture and parental authority.
Shaylene, I think there is some truth to what you are saying and I appreciate your friendly tone in saying it.
I have two reactions, take them for what they are worth -
1) Any program will have those who misapply it and the program cannot be held responsible for that. However, it has become my belief that the Institute's teachings and methods are like the complaint in the advertisements against smoking: it's a product that when used "as intended" brings damage (of course there are exceptions). Gothard's intentions may be great but what he actually produces is more damage than good. There are many families who really gave it their best shot and who got burned that will attest to this. If the heart cries that are represented in this piece are coming from families that made a fair attempt to apply the program as intended, then I would suggest that the program did in some measure fail those families (as opposed to the families failing the program).
2) I believe that many of the Institute teachings actually twist Scripture. There are a number of posts on this site (https://www.recoveringgrace.org/category/twistedscriptures/ ), including my posts about Abigail, that demonstrate this.
For example, I claim that when someone "correctly" interprets the Abigail teachings as presented in Character Sketches, they are actually interpreting the exact opposite of what Scripture intended. And if Gothard's teachings do in fact twist Scripture, then there should be no surprise when damage results.
I appreciate your comment and I don't mean to come on too strong. I'm guessing things turned out better for your family than for some and I truly wish you well.
I refused to turn my heart to my father because I knew that would result in my being hurt. Instead I gave my heart to my true Father an He doesn't disappoint me ever.
Couldn't disagree with you more. This was the man who thought he was "God's anointed" and thought we were being rebellious = witchcraft if we wore brightly colored nail polish while working at hq. That was part of the problem, that he did take himself and his extreme teachings way too seriously.
Shaylene: if Mr. Gothard intended for his teachings to be taken as "suggestions" he should have said so. They aren't presented as suggestions. They are presented as "God's Design" and if you don't do it this way you must repent because you're violating God's way of life. Mr. Gothard teaches that these "suggestions" will bring blessing when followed and curses when disregarded. To add insult to injury, he not only cherry-picks certain teachings to present as God's Design (and ignores the rest), but then *adds* to them. That is spiritual guilt-tripping, often referred to as "spiritual abuse".
Mr. G just doesn't know how to do good exegesis, and winds up giving horrifically unscriptural advice. So terrible, even to the point that he qualifies as a false teacher. His intentions may be sincere, but I contend that he is sincerely wrong.
But dear..when one look's at Bill Gothard's scripture twisting and taking so much out of biblical content, his refusal to allow other Godly biblical scholars to address their concern's, what is one to beleive about this man's 'intention's.? His very aberrant teaching's on God's grace and faith mislead horribly and have wounded and hurt the body of Christ.
As I said,by his non action,he has assumed responsibility for much of what has happened,whether he actually condones it or not.I have been horrified by so much of what I have seen all I can do is encourage others to stay far away from it........
Dear ATI parents,
I'd like you to know that this letter was worded a lot nicer than most of you deserve.
When your children needed you the most, many of you turned your backs on them....going so far as to blame them for the situations that victimized them as children.
The truth is that many of us wish you would feel the guilt.
We do blame you.
We do hold you responsible for your failures as parents.
Because of your abusive actions, we have now chosen to restrict your access to our lives. You have proven repeatedly that you choose the teachings of a childless bachelor over the best interest of your children.
So, because you are unsafe people to be around, we refuse to allow you into our lives and that of our children.
You were right about one thing.
We would understand when we were adults. We understand that when it boils down to it, like Mr. Gothard when confronted with the dangerous results of his teachings-you will pass the blame onto anyone but yourselves.
We reject Gothard's teachings.
Many of us reject your presence in our lives because of your actions when we were children and even into our adult years.
If you find yourself on the outside of our lives, that is why and there is only Mr. Gothard and yourselves to blame.
We successful in spite of you.
We are happy in life in spite of your attempts to crush our spirits when we were younger.
We are at peace with ourselves in spite of your attempts to keep our lives in constant chaos, always chasing the next act of holiness.
Be clear on one thing: We hold you responsible.
It is not bitterness or a hardened heart to say such.
It is reality.
Bravo, Jenny!!!!! I have wanted to say the same things to my in-laws! HUGS!!!!
I do believe there are a lot of parents out there who needed to hear this as well, Jenny.
I'm glad you posted this, Jenny. I know a lot of parents that needed to hear that, like, yesterday.
Wow! Thank you for that Jenny!!
Jenny, that was a great reply!
THANK YOU! It is NOT bitterness. (and even if it were, does that mean that what we went through is no longer valid?) That someone who did something horrible to you is excused for their actions just because you happen to be 'bitter' about it? That is how I see people misusing the word 'bitter'. I'm so conflicted about my parents. I long for them to approve of me, but I know that will NEVER happen (I'm 25, and if they haven't approved of me yet, even when I bent over backwards to be what they wanted, they will never approve of me.) And when I think of having children, I shudder at the thought of having my parents around them. Ain't gonna happen, unless they change! And I still carry the fear that God will 'curse' me because I'm not doing what I know my parents want me to do (even though I'm a married woman.)
Yep, everything I feel in a nutshell.
I find all of this venom quite puzzling. Obviously you are hurt. Obviously your parents (and perhaps people in ATI) did not handle matters well. Nevertheless, I'm having a real hard time identifying with the problems.
I've gotten a lot of good out of the Institutes.
* We have met Godly people that encouraged my family and that gave vision to my children. (This is not to say that they became cookie-cutter children. In fact, they have chosen to do some things "non-ATI," but that is quite OK because they searched the scripture to see what God would have them do.
* ATI encouraged me to respect my husband and to not always demand that he do things my way.
* I respect Mr. Gothard for continuing to search the Bible for new truths. So many churches consider that they had all the truth and thus quit trying to learn more. (I agree that "new truths" had better really be "old truths" that are just new to you -- not newly invented "truths."
* From Mr. Gothard I learned many things about prayer. Before hearing him speak I had never prayed for over an hour at a time.
The only person I personally knew that was very hurt by ATI was hurt by Christians. I suspect these people would have been hurtful whether they were in ATI or not. They did not care for hurting people around them.
You say, "Mr. G. wasn't perfect, well no one is, so that is not a surprise." You say we shouldn't follow everything he says. You are right.
"I've gotten a lot of good out of the Institutes."
This could be said about Catholicism or Mormonism or any other cult - they have all done some good like caring for orphans and bringing education to primitive tribes. However, that is not the standard.
The problem with ATI is not that it hurts people - the problem with ATI is that it twists Scripture. As a result, ATI also hurts people.
Even broken clocks are right twice a day - you'll get a defense of the existence of God from Mormons and Catholics, but they totally miss the boat regarding the fundamental truths of Scripture. ATI is no different - its teachings strain at the gnat of contemporary Christian music and swallow the camel of completely misunderstanding the love and grace of God.
I believe that there really is no good teaching in ATI that you can't find taught somewhere else. So, my question is, why be involved in something that has so many glaring Biblical deficiencies and near-heresies?
I'd like to point out to the former ATI mom that although your experience in ATI was good, the experience of those who wrote here was not, and in many cases led to a breakdown in parent-child relationships. Perhaps if you acknowledged that pain rather than dismissing it because your own experience was different, you would be able to look past what you call "venom" and see the anguish of adults, many of whom are now parents, who want to have loving, mature relationships with their own parents.
Luv your reply..especially the last sentence!
Former ati mom, most of our parents do find it puzzling. B/c belonging to ATI was a choice for them, and they could leave at any time. We didn't have a choice. We were trapped and controlled, often abused by this excess view of authority, physically, emotionally, psychologically. While it was not an issue in my family, I have even heard my fellow survivors tell of sexual abuse to which ati turned a blind eye when it came to light, or discouraged the reporting of it. Many of us were trapped and unable to leave home prior to our late 20s to early 30s, and when we did leave, we basically had to run away or steal away in the night, in order not to be stopped. This goes far beyond, "Gothard is not perfect, just take what you can use."
From one former ATI mom to another. I would be very careful in judging and dismissing the heart breaking stories from these young people. Referring to them as venomous couldn't be further from the truth. They are truly hurting and need love and compassion while they heal from all that they have had to endure over the years.
I too, at one time thought Bill Gothard was the most godliest man that I knew and had such great respect for him. Since God opened my eyes to the truths in His word and the heresies that I embraced for so long, I can no longer respect the man. Perhaps you should read some of the stories under the category "Upon Further Review- Twisted" to gain some insights to His Scripture twisting. Also, "A Call For Discernment" written by the elders of a church in Ft. Worth, Texas that is also posted on this site would be a good place to begin. You must asked God to give you and open mind and heart. I as a parent never intended to bring hurt to my children. I only wanted the best for them and thought ATI would help me accomplish that. It is never easy to admit failure. Humility and brokeness is painful. My story is posted on this site as well. It's called, "From a Parent's Perspective."
A book that God used to open my eyes was written by Don Venoit and called, "A Matter of Basic Principles." I remember my son saying to me that I really needed to read it. He said, "Mom if only of 1/4 of what's in there is true, then that is way to much." After reading it and being able to verify its truths, our family left ATI and any association with it. There is no way that I could ever respect Bill Gothard now and could never recommend his program or IBLP to anyone. His teachings do contain some truth which is what makes them so dangerous. I also now find it ludicrious to listen to a man give marriage and parental counseling when he has no experience of his own. His views of Grace are totally unscriptural and are a works salvation. His program creates a prideful attitude which God hates. He teaches us to be under authority yet he rejects all authority and is his own boss. He gets rid of those who question him. He has refused the counsel of Biblical Scholars.
I pray that you will receive this in the spirit for which it was intended. I am not angry or bitter. My heart breaks for the many who are still in bondage to legalism. I have never felt the love of God for me any greater than I do now. Living under his Grace and not having to perform is so freeing. I also love my Lord more than I ever have and because I do, I want to live for Him.
Awww! Thanks Tammy! Hopefully one day all of our families will be restored!!!! One can only hope and pray!
dear ATI former mom, But do we really need Bill Gothard/ATI to teach us to respect our husband's? Isn't the word of God through the Holy Spirit suffient? It troubles me when many christian's will take the word of a man over the inspired word of God or another's interpretation of the word of God.Bill Gothard's teaching of grace as well as faith are in grave error.Gothard teaches that 'unmerited favor' is a faulty definition of grace. He refines grace as earning God's favor. So according to B.G one get's grace to keep the law in order to earn more grace in order to keep from sin. We grow in grace,Not the law. Not by work's do we grow in grace. Not by complying with anti-societal rules, regulation's, and principles compiled to earn favor with God. Those who follow B.G. are in bondage to performance. B.G's teaching on grace is tragic and show's he has no grasp on the deep thing's of God. Please read the many examples given on B.G teaching's compared to what the bible is actually saying.Be prepared to be shocked.I can understand how a bible teacher can maybe get one or 2 biblical truth's wrong..but the degree in which B.G get's it so wrong on so many teaching's is astounding. Many Godly men, known for their discernment and love for Jesus and His word have approached B.G on these many aberrant teaching's and instead are accused of 'bitterness..family member's attacked as well as moral's slandered. And do you wish to hold a man in high esteem who would state to his russian host's'christian's can not handle their freedom's'? Please look into the man.Bill Gothard.How can he claim one can live a successful life without Jesus Christ. He makes this claim.Shame on him!
I can't read this letter without tearing up. I wish my parents would just tell me they're sorry for everything. Maybe someday right?
" Nevertheless, I'm having a real hard time identifying with the problems."
I am not having a hard time understanding why you are incapable of empathy.
Most ATI parents I have encountered are narcissists.
YES they are. Narcissists. I'm grieved and angry at a recent incident with my parents that absolutely boils my blood. I was so hurt, it was as if they slapped me in the face and laughed at my pain. I literally asked God, "Please, do justice for me. This hurt so bad!" I have bent over backwards, even as a married woman, to try to please them, and EVERY.SINGLE.TIME they take advantage of me, and slap me around. They have absolutely no idea how lucky they are that I and the rest of my siblings are Christians, we would have had some serious payback revenge if God was not leading us.
Even today, sometimes I have to force myself to just think about something else, because I realize that my dwelling on the problem(s) is basically them STILL controlling my life, and I've had enough of that to last me an eternity. When I've had time to calm down, and my anger has gone, I am much more merciful, and tenderhearted, remembering as Longfellow says, 'If we could look into the innermost lives of even our enemies, we would find enough sorrow and pain to end all hostilities.'
But at this moment I am just furious at the blatant injustice, and tremble at what the future may hold for all of us if God does not work a miracle in their lives. Makes me so sick. I feel like I can't get on with my life, and I don't want this to hamper my marriage, or my future children. (I have the most wonderful husband on the planet, whom I do not deserve, and I'm not putting him through the hell I went through, Lord help me..) I feel like it's literally making me sick.
I HATE, DESPISE, and LOATHE ATI and IBLP. I do NOT hate Gothard. I feel pity for him (disgust too), but mostly pity. IF he is truly saved, (and in my personal opinion that's a big IF), then he has a huge suprise waiting for him on judgement day. When I think that the blood of Abel cried out for justice to God, what have the cries thousands of suffering children earned Gothard? He is to be greatly pitied.
I so could have written this. I don't come from the Gothard movement, but I came from something just as bad... I'm wondering if it would be okay if I copied parts of this post to use, not only in my book that I am working on, but also in a letter to my biological parents.
You see, today is a day of victory for me. Three years ago today, I stepped out of a cult. I walked away from it. Today, I am in college and going through the process of healing from all the abuse....
Kia, since this is a compilation of many former students we would need to get their direct permission before you use it. Please contact Recovering Grace directly (Contact Us) and we can discuss the logistics. Thanks much!
This story breaks my heart. I have come to realize that there is an enormous number of you who are hurting and who are desperately wanting a genuine love relationship with your parents. Don't give up. Please keep praying for God to open their eyes to the bondage and error that they have embraced for so long. Until God opens their eyes, they won't see the truth. They are blinded. I'm so thankful my kids didn't give up on me. I wish I could give all of you a hug and let you know that I care about you and know that your pain is real.
Tammy, you are precious. Your constant encouragement to keep growing and seeking the Lord is amazing to me. Thank you!
Tammy, my mom loved me, but wasnt allowed to/ or didnt know how to be open about it, so when i sense motherly love towards me it puts tears in my eyes. thank you!
Tammy, For my part, I'd like to say thank you for your kind words to us. Your validation is a help in itself.... I feel like you just gave me a verbal hug. thanks!
Food for thought, to the former ATI mom.
Please take this in the spirit it is intended.
From your comments it sounds like you are able to separate out the good teachings from the bad teachings.
I would be curious to know if you have had a conversation with your own children about what they think about ATI now that they are grown up(basing that on the word former).
Part of the problem lies with life experience, you I would guess had a standard to measure ATI against. Those of us that were raised within ATI teachings did not have anything else to compare it with. We did not know that you could take and leave what you did not like.
Another victim to ATI in my opinion is the young christian. Who would not like the christian walk to be a clear cut set of rules to follow.
I would encourage you to have an open, non-judgmental conversation with your children about ATI, you may be surprised by what they say.
Since I do not know you, maybe I would be the one surprised. We will not know unless you have the conversation.
May God continue to bless you with discernment.
A former ATI student.
Former ATI mom:
When/if you have that^ conversation w/ your children as Renee suggested, DO NOT even imply that they are just bitter or that they are spewing venom. That is, unless you want them to just shut down and not share the honest answer to the question.
My parents didn't swallow everything that was ATI. But they also didn't bother to *tell* us, this is truth, this is whacked. Half the time, they probably didn't even know what we were being taught in the apprenticeship sessions.
Sometimes it wasn't always the individual teaching, but the collection of teachings that was deadly: Mr. Gothard's teaching on authority is a recipe for spiritual abuse (at minimum).
I know that my mom took the Basic Textbook, looked up all the verses that were referenced, and highlighted them in her Bible. I think that she thought that she was doing a good study. But she failed to study context, or go back and compare exactly what Gothard was using those Scriptures to prove. Did you ever do a Wisdom Booklet quiz (on the front) and scratch your head after you checked the answer key in the Parent's Guide? That was not 'cause Mr. G had better insights on the Scripture than anyone else in history. It was because he was twisting Scripture to make it say whatever he wanted. It.was.wrong. And very destructive.
I used to think that the worst of ATI was in the training centers (I worked in one for nearly 5 years). But that was where it was just most strictly (and without discussion or question) lived out. The TCs, for lack of a better term, functioned as a cult. But really, I've been out of that for 5 years now, and guess what? I'm still dealing with thought processes and scripture teachings that I was taught from the Wisdom Booklets starting when I was 7yo. Stuff that does NOT match w/ Scripture.
Fabulously said Lora!
Your comment about being out 5 years and still dealing with the thought processes and scripture teachings made me feel more 'normal'. I left a cult 3 years ago and still deal with those issues and was starting to wonder if there was hope that I'd ever really get beyond it. Thanks for the reminder that it WILL take time and that it is normal and ok.
And you are right. Twisting scripture and spiritual abuse is VERY destroctive and the healing process is long and painful. I know firsthand, but am also thankful for people in my life now who are very patient and loving through the painful struggles to deal with it and through the healing process.
I never knew until today that this website/resource existed and I'm grateful I happened upon it. Growing up in ATI, going to many (MANY) IBLP seminars, and even teaching in the Children's Institute, I saw/heard/felt things that I'm still coping with today. Don't get me wrong, I'm a strong individual and the ATI part of my life hasn't ruined me, but reading "Dear Dad and Mom" was for the first time I felt like someone was writing out what's been raging in my head for years. Unfortunately, I've had to bury my feelings inside myself. Even to this day my mother is very defensive when I simply try to converse with her about the feelings I had growing up in ATI. I will be evaluating more of your articles/resources and hopefully finding at least a little piece of closure from my horrible experience in ATI.
To the young woman who wrote this and to the multitudes of x-ATI students it represents. I was an ATI parent once and I ask you to please forgive us. We were deceived, we only wanted what was best. Although that will never take away the hurt and pain, please know that you are right where you need to be. If you were my daughter (young woman who wrote this) I would be so incredibly proud of you. I would tell you I was proud because you are strong. You are not being blindly led, however, you are seeking answers and digging for truth. You are not angry, or hurling accusations to blame others. You are speaking the truth in love. You are an amazing young woman, continue to question and search. God can handle that and welcomes it. For when you seek you shall find. But the part I like the best about what you said? The part where you will raise your child to be an adult and make their own decisions. Because it proves you are an overcomer. With everything you endured within this selfish cult, you have emerged the victor. Congratulations. I would be proud if you were my daughter. I hope and pray your parents will realize they did not and have never failed. They raised and incredibly wise and amazing daughter.
Wow...I feel like someone just looked into my soul and wrote a five page essay on all the things I feel but can't figure out how to say. Thank you...what an amazing, intuitive, eloquent piece of work. I so often find it hard to express my critique of my parents code of belief without it quickly becoming rude, disrespectful, hurtful, mud-slinging fest between us. Thank You.
Thank you for putting together this collection of heartfelt appeals. My family has been out of ATI for 6 years now and I can echo much of what was said at various times. One of the things I most wanted to ask was, "You always said I was a good kid, even before ATI, so why was that not good enough for you? Why did you try to make me perfect?"
My parents (and me too!) were over-awed by the "perfect kids" they saw in the ATI conferences, and thought this would make us the godliest family. Instead we subscribed to the most painful lie that anyone can believe about God - that no matter what we do, it's never good enough; a lie that I am still fighting to this day.
Thankfully my parents were humble enough to admit they were wrong, and I've seen their willingness to do anything to help me heal. I still had to learn to set boundaries though. Many of you have not had it this good, and I am so sorry. I deeply hope that many ATI parents will look beyond their own pride and hurt to hear your heart in these letters. Thank you for showing grace in return when it was not given to you.
The "Dear Mom and Dad" really struck a chord. I grew up in a small independent Baptist church that was so far to the right, we didn't have Gothard because his writings were deemed too *liberal*. I attended an IBYC conference in college and it felt like a breath of fresh air. Yes, in G's world I was still a worm, but a worthier worm than in the church I'd grown up in.
Luckily for me, I went to a school that taught us to think and reason. Little wonder that Gothard discourages a real education. People of faith who think and reason don't stick around for long.
I had to completely and physically leave home - move 2300 miles away - to be able to work through who I am, what I believe, how I felt about life and love and things in general. My dad had died, and my mom followed me to my new home two years later.
We were able to work through some of the stuff in the "Dear Mom and Dad" letter above, partially restoring our relationship. She had realized what they had done and honestly regretted it. I got the "I'm sorry" from her that the above letter begs for.
She now is in the late stages of Alzheimer's, and lives with me. This is a most horrible disease. She has regressed to the time when that horrid church gave her the comfort of rules. Some days I feel like I am being suffocated, forced to relive it all because of the disease re-placing her into that toxic environment.
I decided to post this kind of as a warning. The multitudes of parents who harmed their children through Gothard and similar cults will be slowly aging into Alzheimer's and other dementias. That will create a whole new spate of issues to deal with. I wish there were already a 'plan' for handling it.
Oh, and though I'm now in my fifties, I still have not come to terms with who I believe God is or my relationship to organized religion. As several have noted above: It's not bitterness, just this overwhelming inability to believe that anyone in the *business* of religion is doing it for anything other than personal gain.
My "spirituality" is still intact, but it's more a sense of appreciating true friends, honest heroes, and the wonder of our great world. These days, I grow impatient with theological debates. They seem so pointless.
Wow, Dee. You raise a very good point about aging parents and dementia. From looking at the lives of my grandparents, I definitely see a connection of how dementia has emphasized and heightened the qualities of the kind of people my grandparents were earlier on in life--one for better, and another for worse. You are so sweet to be caring for your mother in spite of all your emotional triggers. Make sure you can take time out for yourself and take care of yourself in the process!
Thanks Beverly. I really do hope my story, and now yours, will cause the people on this Web site and others to think about putting suggested plans of action into place for those who face the same thing in the next few decades.
Gothard's legacy - and the legacy of all the Christian cults who impose harsh rule-based religious beliefs on their followers - has a deep impact far beyond the present and immediate future.