The Advanced Training Institute (ATI) encouraged strong family relationships. This was a big draw for many families–seeing the tight-knit, glowing families that hinted of yesteryear’s ideals. But some ATI parents took it upon themselves to force this family ideal in order to be the perfect ATI family.
Most homeschoolers I know outside of ATI have a fairly close-knit family, and the siblings have better relationships than perhaps your average American family. I think homeschooling contributes to this, as you are around your siblings more than anyone else. It is a natural closeness that does not need to be forced. I love my siblings, and I think we have a good relationship today among those of us who are adults, in spite of (not because of) the forced relationship we were made to have within our family.
Sometime during our time in ATI–I think around the time we first joined–my parents came across the idea of “making siblings best friends.” It sounded like a wonderful idea!
For us, this meant we were not ever allowed to call anyone our “best friend”; there were no BFFs in our friendships outside the family. We were not allowed to have our own individual friends–only friends whom we called “family friends.” We did things together as a family or with siblings. We couldn’t do anything outside our immediate family without another sibling.
This was the rule whether I was taking a class (even an ATI one), going shopping, or walking around the block. There were some large age gaps between us, but you’d have two or three siblings in the same level in the same class, because according to our parents’ rules, we had to be together.
My parents often limited friends–even contact with family friends–so that we could grow closer as a family. No personal cell phones were allowed. No personal private e-mail accounts. Any communication we did by e-mail or instant messenger was not considered private in the least and had to be on an account that a parent was on and could read “for accountability.” This applied to all ages. The only thing I had that was even close to being my own space and time alone was my journal–so I did a lot of personal journaling.
There was no consideration for age in this ideal of forced closeness. My parents would make ALL of us recite our Bible memory verses complete with hand motions as adults with our younger siblings, and sing children’s songs complete with hand motions with our younger siblings in front of people, strangers, Christian groups, church…etc. A lot of the memorization was forced onto even the adult children because it was “family” memory work. This made it more difficult to pursue individual memorization goals.
We also had “Wisdom Searches,” which to the rest of the world might be known as Family Devotions. I am actually glad for the family Bible time we had; those are mostly fond memories. However, in my family these Wisdom Searches were only conducted if ALL family members could be present. Somehow, if someone couldn’t make it, it wasn’t worth it. If a sibling “team” was at an ATI Training Center, Wisdom Searches ceased to exist for a time. Having the WHOLE family present was such a big deal, whether it was an event such as a wedding (the whole family down to the last baby was expected to be invited to all weddings), church or Wisdom Searches.
Taking our siblings to work with us as adults wasn’t an issue. We were not allowed to have jobs outside the home, though we did sometimes work in the family business. But for the girls, even working in the family business was more on the rare occasion an extra hand was needed and definitely not the norm. I was 20 the first time I did a ministry opportunity by myself without a token take-along sibling.
The irony of this whole idealistic plan for closeness is that the younger siblings often hated being dragged into something they didn’t care about, just because one of us had to have a buddy. The forced nature of this process actually bred some resentment.
Older siblings were expected to help parent their younger siblings. It was expected that older siblings handle younger siblings’ schooling, and my parents used other forms of relegating parental responsibilities like the buddy system the Duggar family uses. However, this forced closeness wasn’t just limited to large ATI families. This practice was encouraged because it was “good training” for older daughters to homeschool their own kids one day.
One of the big problems here is that siblings were often given the responsibility, but not the authority, of the parents. We were expected to raise, educate, teach, and care for our younger siblings. Much of this starts when the older children are still only kids themselves. I was 16 when I was teaching Jr. High, Kindergarten, and first grade to my younger siblings. I wasn’t allowed to discipline, and I couldn’t enforce anything. I might give them an assignment, but my mom could decide in the spur of the moment to take them to the grocery store, which over-ruled me and the school didn’t get done. I had no way of making anyone do anything. I shouldn’t have had that responsibility anyway, but this put undue stress on the sibling relationships rather than strengthening them. Nor did it help my relationship with my parents. The majority of women I know who raised their younger siblings for their parents now have little interest in homeschooling their own children (if they even want children). Often, there is a feeling that they have already raised their families. The grand “plan” of helping prepare the older children to someday do the same with their own children has largely backfired in this respect.
Another problem was creating unrealistic expectations among younger siblings to be allowed to do adult activities with us, even after some of us moved out or were even married. They fully expected to be invited and included in everything we do. My youngest sibling complains about not being included if we do anything and she is not invited. When we were still in our teens, this created resentment among the older siblings for the younger ones whom we were forced to bring along. It limited what we could do, since some activities are age specific. If one sibling was 18 and the other was 10, the 18-year-old had to miss out on the adult-only event.
The bottom line is that the teachings of ATI encouraged forced family closeness at the expense of allowing personal space and personal growth. This resulted in a system that assumed all levels of education, age, and maturity could be equalized. We were not allowed to learn how to form our own friendships (which still affects me today). I still struggle with being nervous about doing things on my own. As an adult, I have responsibilities to call people, to set up appointments, to go to appointments, to meet new people, and to stand on my own two feet… alone sometimes. Rather than preparing us to be better adults and parents, this forced closeness arrested our maturity, strangled our independence, and caused fear when stepping out alone in the world. New experiences like teaching or parenting were old news to us by the time we were ready to consider marriage and family, and many have chosen to wait on jumping right into that experience again.
So what was it like when you made your first friend?
I made *my* first friend at a Training Center. She reached out and befriended me. (Which makes me wonder though how easy it would have been to fall in with the wrong crowd). It was so nice to have someone out side of my family to talk to, someone I felt was *my* friend, who accepted me. I was clingy, and had a lot to learn about friendship. We keep in touch, even though life has taken us different directions.
Wow. This sounds so familiar. I came from a family of 14, and while my parents were not as extreme as to formally forbid any "best" friends without our siblings, they never gave us any opportunity to be able to do so. We were sheltered and whatever friends we had, we were expected to be gracious and include the siblings around us whenever friends were over. We weren't afforded any real privacy, and like you, I started journaling when I was a kid and it was the closest think I had to a confidant. Even there, I didn't write everything I wanted to, because I was afraid that one day my siblings might find it and read it.
Forming new friends for me is really hard too, and many times I have lost a chance to make a new friend because I have anxiety about reaching out.
Yep. I'm the oldest of 8. I used to dream of having my own children some day, but that all changed after I left home. I cooked for, cleaned for, tutored, did their laundry, read to them, rocked them to sleep, and gave them advice on everything from bug collecting to boys. Often this was at the expense of my own education, and then my father would get terribly angry that I wasn't accomplishing my academic benchmarks. It caused me incredible amounts of stress, and I would starve myself to lose weight and feel the only ounce of control I could... And also because my mother seemed to regard my developing backside as a serious moral liability. Now as a married adult, I feel so guilty because my husband yearns for a child... And every time I even think about pregnancy, it sounds like a death sentence. Ironically, I'm STILL parenting my younger siblings... I love them dearly, but all those years of having me raise her kids left my mother unable to be a complete parent on their own. My homeschooled younger siblings are academically regressed and not prepared for adulthood or college- I want to help them so badly but I don't know what to do! A problem I should never have had to deal with, that's for sure.
My mom had my little brother when I was 18 and by the time I was married at 23 I wasn't too thrilled about having my own kids. I never was a "baby person" as some people are or always wanting to hold a newborn and play with babies. I do have to say though that I LOVE having my OWN baby (just had my third this April) it is VERY different having your own baby and raising your own kids instead of someone elses is incredibly different. Just like how I would get so frustrated cleaning my Mom's house and wished for my own so I could do what I wanted.. well.. it's similar to that feeling. While they are your siblings and you are in the place of a person they could go to for wisdom it's just very different and not your responsibility to raise them.
Not sure if that helps, but just know it's wonderful to raise your OWN family when you are ready. :}
I agree with what has been said; it's entirely different raising your own children, than caring for someone else's even though they are siblings. You now have the joy and love for our own, plus you can raise them how you see fit!
Megan, I can relate. I vacillate between wanting a baby right now! to seriously considering not having children ever. I'm still helping raise my two youngest (one will probably move in with my husband and myself next year, to get away from the situation), and though I wouldn't change my relationship with them for anything, I feel that I'm already worn out from raising and helping them grow up and have a good life. Maybe I'll just wait a few more years, til the youngest is out of the house.. idk.
Thank you for sharing the stories of ATI families. I am from a large family and one of my siblings chose to raise his children in the ATI "way." Your website has helped me understand why things happened that seemed very strange. So many of the stories that I read sound very familiar, i.e. modest and unattractive dress, no music with a beat, no outside friends or jobs, taking the siblings everywhere - no matter their age, no college, no church - they decided to form their own home church as no church was spiritual enough or lined up with his thinking, etc.
The sad thing is, three of his daughters, ages 25, 23, and 20, all "escaped" through a bedroom window, at midnight. They have all married - within a year of leaving. Two of the girls still do not talk to their parents.
Thank you for helping to build compassion, really for both sides - for my brother and his wife yearning to protect their children so badly that they made a bad choice to believe Mr. Gothard had the answers and for their 7 children who have endured, and still endure, this lifestyle.
Wow that is so sad Anonymous...
"The sad thing is, three of his daughters, ages 25, 23, and 20, all 'escaped' through a bedroom window, at midnight. They have all married - within a year of leaving. **Two of the girls still do not talk to their parents.**"
Really shows how these teachings destroy lives rather than bringing families together. Dissension is equated with rebellion.
This idea isn't an ATI original (but so many of Gothard's ideas aren't original). I've come across it in conservative Mennonite circles, also. I read one article that warned parents to watch their young-teen girls, because that's the age when girls want to form exclusive friendships... not with boys, but other girls. And it wasn't talking about a romantic attachment, either, but simply the close girl-friendships that young teen girls form. Why was this bad? Because it damaged the siblings-as-best-friends relationship.
I do appreciate the idea that it's possible to be good friends with your siblings. I think that really improved the way I treated my younger sister once we began homeschooling. But my stepdad did try to pull me away from my "BFFs", and it was a painful (and futile) effort.
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I just found this website and have found it so fascinating. I did NOT grow up in an ATI family, but knew a few such families and attended a Basic seminar as a teen. I was homeschooled as a teen and came from a fairly legalistic home (although not nearly as legalistic as ATI, we still were very limited in music, hair styles, etc).
As a naturally introverted person being homeschooled from age 14-18, I have realized in the last few years (I'm 28 and married now) how much harm it did me to not have any close friends during those critical years. I have four brothers, and, while we all got along pretty well, I did not have a close friend and didn't really know how to BE one. It took me many years and a process of moving away and being reached out to by some wonderful Christian people in grad school for me to learn how to make friends. Now I treasure the friendships I have with other women (some things husbands -and I have a great one- just don't understand!) and am determined that my own little girl (1 year old now) will always have the opportunity to have strong friendships at all points in her life.
I guess my point is just to confirm what you all are saying about the importance of friends and of learning how to reach out and be a friend. There is absolutely nothing wrong with fellowship and love with people outside of your family! And how can we know how to reach out and love a hurting world if we can barely stand on our own two feet to make a friend?
As a side note, in spite of our strict and careful Christian 'bringing-up', my parents are now divorced (NOT amicably!), two of my brothers have had very serious struggles with drugs, alcohol, and their faith, and the other two, and me, are living much less legalistic lifestyles than we were brought up to live! God has been faithful and all but one of us is at least 'sort-of' following Him, but how much better if we only had had more GRACE!
Wow, blown away by these articles. Explains a lot of things in my life. Was not raised ATI but my sister has raised her family that way and "my" best friend is an ATI kid. But she said she could never call me her best friend as her sisters were her best friends. I think it's great and understand that she is very close to them but she was down right serious; we were not EVER going to be "BFF'S". It hurt my feelings because I knew she felt the way I did about our friendship and she even called me a kindred spirit. I know in my heart I am her best non-family member friend. Oh, and we were in our mid-thirties when we met. Weird.
Wow. This article pretty much explains some of my more persistant struggles with getting out of ATI. It hasn't been easy to define why I've struggled with making or communicating with friends, or learn to work my way through it when I do get stuck. Thank goodness for patient and open-minded people who love me for who I am and realize I am just now figuring it out.
Thank you for writing and sharing this!
One of my best friend's in high school married a man older than herself and they have been an ATI family. They have eight children. They follow the "brothers and sisters are best friends" to the point that they don't really even have any "family" friends. When their children were small they were not allowed to play with my children. They had to sit next to their parents. It didn't take long before we stopped visiting or asking them over. I have maintained a phone relationship with this friend but I grieve for her children. I grieve the loss of relationship my own children could have had with her children as they are fantastic kids. My kids have lots of friends even though we homeschool.
For years there has been an elephant in the room named "Gothard" who has hindered our relationship. I've never confronted the elephant because I cherish the phone relationship as limited as it is. I fear her husband or she herself would cut off all contact even if I lovingly brought up the subject.
How do you reach out to families who hold tightly to the teachings? I've prayed for years that the Holy Spirit would open their eyes and in some things(dress, curriculum) they no longer hold strict adherence. Relationships with others, friends and church are still "family only".
Another family that is in the process of breaking apart due to Bill Gothard's teachings...
Mary, how sad to read. I think in my experience I would have to say I don't think there is anything you can really say to convince your friend. If/when you do speak to her about it she probably will cut off the relationship. I know when I was knee deep and even after I was out I was still defensive about Gothard and his teachings. It took a long time (10 years) for me to be able to face the fact that I had "wasted" so much of my life. (Obviously, God can use this in my life now but it does sometimes feel like wasted time) I am able to now understand that I have a relationship with God! In ATI/IBLP you don't even know how to have a true relationship. Please pray hard about what to say to your friend. When/if the Holy Spirit gives you the go ahead you never know how what you say can be used to help her later - even if she cuts off the relationship. I am now in relationships with people that I cut off back when I was still following Gothard. ATI/IBLP is truly cultish in this area. If you are not "in" you are truly "out". Thank you for your concern for this friend. You never know how you can be helpful to her kids in the future as well. Not every kid grows up and stays in ATI. This website is proof of that. Pray pray pray!
Thank you for your article. It sums up so much of what I felt in my teen years.
For a long time I was puzzled by the behavior of a family in our church. But no longer. My realization that they were "ATI" (didn't know what this was until recently) and my "education" on Recovering Grace has provided some clarity. The children in the family - most are young adults - exhibit many of the behavior traits mentioned in Betsy's article above. The family hardly interacts with other families in our church. You would never see them at a church potluck, graduation party, or any other type of gathering which involves interacting with people not part of their family. Most of the kids were never involved in Youth Group. Two of the kids have recently begun attending the Youth Group, and I suspect it is because their ages allow them to be safely "buddied" up with one another. Involvement in the many ministries of the church is non-existent. The family - a large one with several of the adult children still living at home - ALWAYS sits together during the worship services even though it is not unusual for teenagers and young adults in our church to sit with each other, away from their families.
Jane you brought up something I forgot to mention; that youth groups were seen as "evil". We were not allowed to attend age segregated Sunday school classes and soon after joining ATI went to a "family oriented ATI church" (the vast majority of the families were in ATI including the pastor and church leaders and the rest were homeschoolers). So yes sitting together during church "family oriented church" is what this is called that often doesn't even have separate children/adult Sunday school but "family Sunday school"
I've shared bits and pieces of my story in other articles. Mine was not a large family (3 kids) and we didn't even get into ATI until I was entering into my junior year in high school.
But my parents absolutely preached the siblings are your best friends concept. I guess I didn't realize how that entire concept may have been influenced by ATI.
I've had rocky relationships with my siblings as an adult and have often wonder whether things might have been better had we been allowed to simply let sibling relationships develop without the pressure be best friends. I'll never know.
Interestingly, my parents never shut us off from the rest of society - we were always allowed to go to youth group, have jobs, etc. - but in some respects I ended up feeling very socially awkward anyway. Perhaps just the "weirdness" of being an ATI student in Southern California? It took a long time for me as an adult to believe that other adults at church, in the neighborhood, etc. would actually *want* to be my friend. I always assumed that people viewed me with suspicion and as being "different."
This was a great article and one I could relate to, even if our respective families were different.
Wow. You could have written this exact article about my life.
[...] Forced Family RelationshipsThe Advanced Training Institute (ATI) encouraged strong family relationships. This was a big draw for many families–seeing the tight-knit, glowing families that hinted of yesteryear’s ideals. But some ATI parents took it upon themselves to force this family ideal in order to be the perfect ATI family. [...]
This is the sort of thing I wish I'd had as a handbook when I was married. I realize now that my (now ex) husband was raised in an ATI household, and while he escaped his family members didn't, and he clearly still loved them - and it caused incredible stress on our relationship (see: divorced) and my relationship with his family because as an outsider, I really had no clue and was just fumbling along.
They were lovely people, but the divergence in belief and culture was too large a gap - they couldn't resist preaching to me, and there was no way I was going to feel welcome when being preached at.
Ugh! I thought I had sifted through so much baggage and I just realized there's so much more to go! Yes, my family did exactly this! One more thing this "family friends" ideal creates is loneliness! When the only friends you have are your completely brain-washed siblings, you have no one to tell secrets to! I was never more isolated than when my family was so "close".
Yes Andrea, it was definitely a control thing when other siblings are still trying to hold the party line. Making it super lonely because you can't even share anything with them. And things you think might be harmless to share become something that stabs you in the back. I've definitely seen it happen before.
We moved into a new house a few months ago and were so excited to find out that our neighbors were fellow homeschoolers and had a large family just like us. But that is where our commonalities end. I am on this website tonight because I am trying to figure out how to keep their children from getting into trouble because the parents "suspect" that thier children have been communicating with mine. Maybe if I send one of these articles to them in the mail (they don't have internet. go figure!)
We used to be the more conservative of the crowd that we hung with, but now we are treated like the rift-raft. The family I am speaking of went as far as to come wish us happy new year, but when I invited them in for punch and snacks their family stayed huddled by the door as if Mom and Dad instructed them to do so before they ever left their van.
My kids invited them over to play volleyball one Sunday and thier reply was "We don't do that on Sundays.", but then we saw them climbing trees and yelling and playing.
I've never felt so judged and looked down upon that with our new neighbors. Even my amish friends let their children play with my children and will drink my coffee cups.
I have never met anyone so rude, so self righteous, so legalistic in all my life. And the sad part is I bet if I put denim skirts and kahkis on my kids, they would probably interact more and it would only be because of our clothes.
How disgusting of your neighbors. I regret that I was once very much like that.
@neighborly: I don't have any advice, but I can tell you that those kids probably wish with all their hearts that they could play with yours. They are probably really lonely and being raised in a spiritually toxic environment. I've been in their shoes. The turned down dinners, games, and friends. The gifts that get thrown away, or even yet burned or smashed with a hammer. The lines that I was instructed to pitch, should I accidently run into a neighbor or other "misguided" soul. Years later, I can now think and remember, "Oh, that neighbor was trying to reach out to us kids." Just keep being "normal". You may be one of few examples of "normal" that these kids will be able to watch during their formative years.
I had access to more people than most as a teen, and that led me down wrong paths. I must say I would rather have a strong family unit than otherwise. ATI did nothing but strengthen our family.
So it's all or nothing, huh? If you don't have a strong family bond, the only other possibility is that you WILL fall in with the wrong crowd. Interesting concept. Is it really an either/or, and balance between these two is impossible?
btw, I don't think the purpose of this article was to condemn close family relationships at all, I think you rather missed the point. I for one am quite grateful for the close bonds I have with my family, but as a grown woman today, I struggle with knowing how to make friends.
It was a devastating influence for my family and most of the other families I know that tried it, but I'm truly happy for your family, John Doe. I haven't heard of many second-generation families but it sounds like you will be one with your kids?
I think my teen years were spent in ATI-lite. My parents never swallowed all the teachings and I would say that I was far more strict about "standards" (key IBLP) word than my father ever was. I am thankful that my parents never forced us to be "Best Friends" with our siblings. I had different "Best Friends" of my own outside the family, but they all came and went. In reality, my sisters did become my dearest friends and they are all lovely women. However, it is a double edged sword: because we are spread all over the country, I feel the pain of their absence every single day. I don't think I would ever wish that I had grown up with more distant relationships with my siblings, but do these uber-sheltering ATI parents consider how it feels when a {close-knit} family is ripped apart by the {good, but far-flung} marriages of their children?
As I read these different articles, specifically this one , the one on courtship, and growth being stunted as a result of the rules. I am finding myself getting more angry , and not because I was ignorant to our way of life, but. It's because I had always thought it was just my parents and the legalistic upbringing I had.
We were one of the most strictest families in my church ( although the church we attended was legalistic anyways) from music - dress , yet I never connected the dots. As I'm reading though I am seeing that we were completely ATIA in every aspect of our lives!!
I now know it wasn't just my parents thinking that any up-beat in music was a sin , it was ATIA teachings. And the friendship thing, although I don't remember the " buddy" system I do remember having few friends and how it seemed that my parents were always overly critical in who we could have as friends.
And the parenting younger siblings I thought that was more because of my parents ministry and my dad needing my mom's help, but like someone mentioned earlier that the parenting effected her schooling, so it was for me, and
My dad's only response to that was to say " life is your education" . I felt so cheated, and to the point that when I did graduate I did't even feel deserving of that diploma because I didn't earn it, and I wanted nothing to do w/ kids for yrs. because I was so burnt out.
There were 5 kids in my family , and I was nearly 15 when the youngest came. Once he turned six month I started taking care of him full time, including discipline, and it took me yrs. to forgive my parents for that. I should actually say parent though because I am still working on forgiving the other. Even after I married it was still considerd my duty to " help out" which in turn put a strain on my marriage ( not the reason for the divorce though.).
Just so many emotions flying around in my head right now and I'm not even sure how to deal within all.
ATIA /ATII. messed my family up so bad that my siblings and I struggle w/ wanting to visit my parents. Ironically I am currently living at home with them trying to get back on my feet after the divorce. I think my relationship is better but like the others the desire to visit is not 100 percent. I am just so glad I found this site b/c even though I am having conflict in my spirit I know it's going to be a time of healing.
This story sounds so much like the story of my family that it's really scary. Thanks Betsy for sharing!
I did not grow up ATI and I knew nothing about the ideas until I started watching the Duggars. I liked a lot of what I saw but I wondered about their devotion to Bill Gothard materials and after doing a little internet sleuthing I found this website.
As children, both my husband and I were allowed to have any friends we wanted to. There was no accountability or getting to know the families. My husband was abused by a neighbor "friend", his brother by another "friend", and I was definitely exposed to tons of inappropriate sexuality. I knew about every type of sexual perversion by the time I was six just from "good" school, friends, and tv. My play with "best friends" was often punctuated with sexual themes. My husband and I both had tons of shame and no one to talk to. I didn't find out until 5 years into marriage that my husband was a sex addict who committed adultery. Thankfully, he repented, we stayed together, and through five years of ongoing counseling our relationship is amazing.
We now have three kids with another due soon. The oldest is six and they are naturally best friends right now, although with plenty of fighting. :) We're military, so we move a ton and it takes time to find people we trust. Because of our experiences, we will NOT allow our kids to go to just anyone's house alone. I felt uncomfortable even when we hung out as a family at our previous pastor's house because he let his young kids wander the neighborhood with no supervision in the name of "making connections with neighbors." And we live in a crime-ridden area known for prostitution and drugs! I knew his kids were learning some things I was not eager for them to pass on to my kids.
I'd love my boys to be best friends, but they don't have to be. We homeschool (schools here are awful) and most of our homeschool friends are non-Christians. But in our situation with moving, we tend to do all social events as a family because I just don't know anybody yet I want them to be with alone. I will teach my kids to be discerning, but I'm also not going to throw them to the wolves. And there is something to be said in having back-up when those tough situations arise, rather than being all alone. It's tough to say "no" as an adult, much less as a child! My husband and I both wish we had more accountability and oversight as children. My (non-Christian) therapist was formally a counselor to sex offenders, and she said the best defense is to be very aware of who your kids are with and, most importantly, to teach your kids what to do if a situation arises.
So, all that to say, "don't throw the baby out with the bath water." I can see the attraction to the Gothard style of "7 basic principles." We all like check lists and feeling like life can be easily mastered if we will only follow certain guidelines. It would be easier than stumbling through, making mistakes and learning. It is dangerous to follow guidelines, but it is also dangerous to assume that if we do things the opposite of the way we grow up, we will automatically be better off. It is hard to recover from over protection, but under protection also provides it's own set of problems. Freedom to have BFFs doesn't equal personal growth, sometimes it just equals pain and tons of wrong thinking. As a mom, it is scary for me to realize that no matter what I do, my children will experience pain and wrong thinking. So all I can do is teach them what I've learned, try to give them a balanced foundation, and hopefully maintain a relationship that makes "home" a safe place to be.
One other comment--
Throughout time, people have lived in family groups and it was normal for multiple ages to live and play together. We now live in a society that defines everything by age and individuality. I live in a part of the country that is extremely "me"-centered and I get a lot of sneers and rude comments for having even three children. It saddens me to see my baby wave happily at an eight year old and say "hi, friend" and see them turn away because they don't know how to respond to a baby.
I don't believe that children should have sole or primary responsibility in raising siblings, but the idea of even helping other children has been lost. Many non-sectarian school models embrace multi-age classrooms where older students actively participate in teaching younger students. This is truly more normative throughout time, although in our time kids--especially teenagers--are seen as autonomous beings who should only pursue their own interests and pleasures.
In the case of the ATI/IBLP teachings (from what I've read on their website and here), it seems that they grasped onto the "children as helpers" concept and took it to an extreme. That's very sad because it is bad application of what could be a healthy way to live. It is scary that this indoctrination removes parents' common sense and makes them slaves to a very faulted system and in turn traps the children into unbalanced lives, especially when what could be a good idea is turned into a RULE. "Siblings will be best friends and/or surrogate parents or let debilitating shame and guilting rain down."
Interesting article. Thanks for sharing. I've watched the Duggars show for years and often wondered if the older ones really enjoy being "buddies" with the so many younger ones. I guess it depends on personality...I would think some are more kid-oriented than others.
I babysat a lot, but I guess that was a choice, not a family lifestyle.
I'm watching some old reruns of 19 Kids and Counting and while watching that while reading that article, on the show Jordan was less than 2 and went to her mother for something. Michelle was (as usual) nursing (this time Josie) and poor Jordan (still a baby herself) was trying to ask her mother for something and Michelle bent down and told her to go to Janna ( her buddy) and tell her what she wants and she will take care of her. It made me sick and broke my heart at the same time. Guess what Michelle? She wanted YOU! You are her mommy. Janna is her SISTER. Its bad enough you treat your oldest girls like babysitters cooks maids and teachers, but for God's sake, cherish the blessings He gifted you and you spend 1/2 the airtime on your show thanking Him for blessing you with those beautiful children and be the mother those children need and deserve. Let your older girls live their lives and experience life before they settle down with a family of their own. You have destroyed all the joy avid anticipation of them expecting their own babies by forcing them to raise their siblings. Redeem yourself and be a mother, not
a baby popcorn popper.
My family wasn't an ATI/Quiverfull family, but my mom suffered/suffers from bipolar, as do I, and was constantly searching for some new logocentric lifestyle to alleviate her emotional and existential distress. At age 11, we switched from a fairly liberal Methodist family to become members at a very conservative Charismatic congregation. As I advanced through adolescence, my mom became increasingly drawn to the legalism of the ideologies discussed on this website. As the oldest of three brothers (I was 8 years older than the next), I was tasked with holding the family together. My life was dictated by mom's whims, based on what was "good for the family." I was in the band in HS, and loved it...but, I never knew from semester to semester whether or not I would participate; this went for every activity of my life. What was GUARANTEED, however, was that I was responsible for providing an example to my siblings and essentially raising them. This included endless babysitting and sitting in the minivan for three hours while my mom shopped in Wal-Mart. If either of my brothers misbehaved in the evening, I was accused of bringing a "rebellious spirit" into the house. Once, I was even subjected to an "exorcism." As I've grown older and had my own children, I often resent my responsibilities as a father, as I spent my whole childhood shouldering the burden. Thankfully, all three of us have broken free of the religious abuse we endured and staked our own claims on life. Nonetheless, this process is much more difficult for me as the oldest. As for my parents, they divorced two years ago---my mom was very abusive toward my dad, constantly chiding him for not having a "vision" and such. She is now on medicine, but still searches for a simple answer to her problems...now, even though she has never abused alcohol, she finds her answers in the 12 Steps. I hope that one day she will embrace the beauty of flawed humanity.