I am a survivor of Gothardism.
I fully believe ATI is a twisted system of unrealistic rules and regulations. Even more, it gives abusive parents the tools and justification they need to rationalize their behavior.
Let me start at the beginning. I went to public school from preschool through first grade. After that, my family decided to homeschool me and my siblings. I don’t have a lot of memories from this time. Some disjointed recollections, snapshots in my mind of birthdays, Christmases, playing with friends. I do remember being told that we weren’t allowed to play outside before the local public school let out. My parents worried about raising our neighbors’ suspicions. Early on, I learned to fear what the outside world would think of us. I also remember my father telling my mother to stop screaming at me, saying, “You will break her spirit!” That is the one and only time I ever saw him stand up for me.
About the time I got to junior high, my family joined the Advanced Training Institute (ATI). We continued to use a lot of the “mainstream Christian” homeschooling curriculum while adding ATI’s Wisdom Booklets to our daily routine. I attended as many ATI/IBLP functions as I could and not nearly as many as I wanted. I went to the Children’s Institutes first, and loved singing the songs and hearing the stories. I also went to basic seminars, a young women’s retreat, Knoxville, and (my favorite) the Sound Foundations music course.
We also began memorizing large portions of Scripture, such as Romans 6-8, Matthew 5-7, the book of James, etc. We threw ourselves wholeheartedly into serving in our church. I personally served as a church pianist for multiple services and ministries. I was a leader in children’s ministries for several years. I was always on the lookout for other opportunities to serve. I took great pride in this, and loved serving. To everyone watching us, our family looked perfect.
Throughout all of this, I wanted so badly to do well. I learned to fear not only failure but mediocrity. It was not enough to pray the prayer and accept Jesus into my heart. I also had 7 life principles to fulfill and 49 character qualities to attain. I had books of the Bible to memorize. I had rights to yield, spiritual disciplines to learn, the “true meaning” of womanhood to embrace. All notches proudly worn in my belt of Christianity. Always something more to do.
It was all too much. I was so young, and yet so hard on myself. My journals from this period of my life are painful to read. They are marked by verbal self-flagellation for anything from being upset with my parents, to receiving anything less than an A on a quiz. I believe this is due to ATI’s unhealthy fixation on unreachable standards and harmful obsession with keeping up appearances.
However, this was not the worst. In my opinion, the biggest lie touted by ATI is its concept of authority. The best way to describe it is morbid fascination. In ATI, the family is organized into a hierarchy. Father at the top, the mother underneath his authority, with children under the authority of both. It is a system where the parents are absolute authority in their children’s lives, accountable to no one but God. In fact, these parents ARE God to their children, or the next best thing. They serve as God’s mouthpiece to the child, able to communicate God’s will and opinions. It is unthinkable for God to speak to a child without also speaking to the parents. It is unthinkable for a child to question what the parents say, for their words carry divine weight. They are God’s divinely appointed authorities in their children’s lives.
What happens when parents are put into that position of power over their children? When they believe that they are the ones who are in charge of everything in their child’s life, including the spiritual realm? It is with the utmost fervency that I say that it has devastating results. Though I can only speak from my own experience, I know there are many others who can relate.
ATI afforded my parents the authority and freedom they needed to be abusive. And they were – spiritually, emotionally, verbally, sometimes physically. The abuse was more subtle than obvious. There are a handful of major blowouts that I remember, but they were always behind closed doors, and even with all the screaming no one ever called the police. I wanted to call for help, so badly, but I was too afraid of what would happen to me afterwards.
Oh, the mind games. For my mother, saying one thing and denying it later was something that became normal. She would line us up, go down the line and spank us until some ultimatum was met. We were given phrases to repeat over and over. If something was wrong with our inflection or our “attitude,” we would have to start again. This tactic was used to wear me down as a child and to humiliate me even as an adult. Beatings continued until I was well into high school; even as a college student I would be smacked or have something thrown at me. Leaving the house provided no safety. Once when I was visiting my best friend for a night, my mother decided to call their home and accuse me of being a lesbian. I was mortified, but I pretended nothing was wrong. Appearances had to be kept up, after all.
I don’t want to give any wrong impressions. There were good times, good memories. There were peaceful lulls between the parental temper tantrums. “Love” was a word used often in our home. It is only recently that I recognize the manipulation behind it. If there was any infraction of the rules, real or imaginary, all of that warmth would be yanked away and the peace would be gone.
I will give my parents this: they did allow me to go to a secular university, get my degree in a field of my choice, and even secure a job outside of the home. However, true to form, my parents continued to control me throughout college and beyond. I had to send daily “reports” back home by a certain time, and always be near my dorm phone just in case my mother called. God forbid that I happen to be out, even if it was just down the hallway doing my laundry. Because they couldn’t do anything to me physically, the abuse was mostly verbal while I was in college. My mother would call and scream at me on a regular basis. She loved to threaten to take away my parents’ financial support for my tuition (I earned most of it through scholarships but needed help to cover the rest). She also enjoyed comparing me to other people. “At least we have ______,” she’d say to me about one of my siblings. “Maybe he/she won’t disappoint us.” These interactions devastated me, but I hid my tears for years. I pretended everything was ok, and that this was all normal. I had been taught that appearance was everything, and so I did everything to make the family look good. It was a fragile facade.
When I finally had my degree and a full-time, well-paying job, I was ecstatic. I had been yearning for independence ever since I could remember. Finally, I could have a place of my own that could reflect ME as a person, not a bedroom that I was constantly reminded was not really mine to have. Finally, I could be on my own! Finally I could be responsible for myself and not treated like a child!
Imagine my disappointment when my parents decided that I could not move out. Even though I was a financially independent adult, they pulled out Ephesians 6:1 and waved it in my face. They decided that a woman living on her own was not appropriate (a common Gothard teaching), and they especially did not like the fact that I was in a serious relationship. Instead of letting adults make decisions on their own, my parents acted on fear and pride. Fear of losing control over me, despite the fact I was an adult. Pride in thinking it was their place to make another adult’s decisions.
I had had enough. But I was still at a point where I wanted to honor my parents as best I could. So, my then-boyfriend and I asked our parents’ permission to marry. We also asked mentors in our respective churches for advice and blessing on our decision. Having “covered all the bases,” we were married after a five week engagement in a tiny courthouse ceremony with only our immediate family present. It was as close as we could get to eloping.
It was a deliriously happy day for me. I look at it not only as my wedding day, but as the day I was set free.
In the time since I’ve gotten married, I have been seriously reevaluating my beliefs and my faith. I have come to the conclusion that Gothard’s teachings have an unhealthy and often abusive fixation on control and authority. Bill Gothard painted a wonderful picture of what a God-fearing family should look like. Unfortunately, that picture is a farce. His patterns and formulas do not take into account that families are different and thus have different needs. When I began questioning Gothard’s teachings, my parents restarted their abusive and manipulative treatment of me. They even went so far as to “revoke” their blessing on my marriage . . . a year and a half after the wedding.
A few months ago, I outlined some boundaries on how my parents were allowed to contact me. It was a difficult decision, but it had to be done in order for me to heal emotionally from all the wounds they have caused. They did not take kindly to my boundaries, and have avoided communicating with me since. They have let me know exactly what they think of me, an adult making her own decisions. They have used emotional blackmail tactics to attempt to control me and force my siblings into the difficult situation of choosing sides within a family. When I explained to them the healing process I was going through, they told me I was wasting time nursing my wounds and holding on to grudges when I should be focused on Jesus. They have let me know that I am “deluded” and that they believe my opinions to be “crap.” Further, they have accused me of purposefully “causing division within the church.”
Basically, they have denied me my pain and ignored my story. But in trying to silence my voice they have only given me greater determination to speak out.
This is where I am now. I am still hurting and still healing. Now that some time has passed, though, I feel more healed than hurt. The scars are there, sure. I will never forget what I’ve gone through. I don’t want to forget. I need to remember, for the sake of people in other families going through the same kind of abuse.
If you are a child in an abusive, spiritually oppressive situation, there is hope. Hold on. Keep the inner fight alive. You will need that strength to be free.
If you are a parent who truly loves your child, carefully evaluate what you are teaching them. Don’t allow some childless bachelor to tell you how to raise them. And don’t ever, ever tell your child that your relationship with them is less important than upholding an ideology.
"Kristiana is 25 and happily married to the love of her life. Currently, she is a board-certified music therapist working in the field of geriatric psych. Kristiana is a major nerd when it comes to music, fiber arts, cooking, reading, and talking about herself in the third person.
July 31, 2024
Kristiana,
Thank you for sharing your story. So glad that you have been set free!
The problem with your parents waving Ephesians 6:1 in your face is the fact that you were not a child anymore. You were a grown young woman. I pray that their eyes will be opened to the heresies that they are holding onto and that broken relationships will be restored. I also pray for you for continued healing and growth in your relationship to the Lord. (Hugs)
Thanks for sharing your story. I hope that you continue to use your experience to help others heal even as you do. <3
I am so proud to be called your friend Kristiana! You are a strong, intelligent woman, and a fabulous writer!!!!
Kristiana,
I'm so proud of you for sharing your story. Your story could have been mine... word for word. Thanks for using your voice to tell the truth. You are a strong woman and I'm so glad I've gotten to "know" you via social media over the last few months. You Rock!
What a great story Kristiana! Thank you so much for sharing. My parents have pulled many of the same things yours did. I swear the whole Eph.6:1 fallacy was ingrained in me before I was 12. And I remember so well the sad, endless attempt at perfect appearances throughout my teenage and young adult life. Thank God that's over!
Beautifully put! So sorry for your pain. I can relate to a lot of what you went through and your responses to it. I am so glad you are healing.
I can relate to a lot of your story as well. I didn't realize how controlled I still was by my parents even after several years of marriage until they cut me out of their life for a year. While that certainly hurt, it also showed me how much control they still had over me, and it was ultimately a very freeing experience. I was finally able to be me, to make a decision without a voice in my head saying "Mom & Dad won't approve of this" or "what will Mom & Dad think of this?" My poor husband was so patient with me (and still is, because I still struggle with some of this from time to time and probably always will to some degree).
My relatives did not fully know what went on in our home until recently. I've posted some articles from this website that they've read, and they are shocked. They knew my home life was strict, but because we had to keep up the appearance they had no idea of some of the things I dealt with.
While it's in many ways awful for your parents to cut you out, use this time to heal and really figure out who you are. For my story, having them out of my life for a time was definitely a healthy thing for me. They still don't fully understand my hurt, but I'm ok with that. I can't make them understand, only God can. At least we can get together now for birthdays and holidays and laugh and enjoy each other's company. We talk about surface stuff, but I'm ok with that too. We didn't have a healthy relationship before, and I don't want to go back to that.
Enough rambling from me. Stay strong!
Thank you all so much for your support. It means so much to me that my story is being heard.
And Erin, thank you for sharing! I too feel incredibly free right now. With the toxic influence of my parents finally gone, I am free to heal and be myself.
It saddens me that so many find my story a familiar one. No parent should place an ideology before their own child.
"Instead of letting adults make decisions on their own, my parents acted on fear and pride. Fear of losing control over me, despite the fact I was an adult. Pride in thinking it was their place to make another adult’s decisions."
~~~Why did fear drive so many parents toward the false ideaology of ATI? Thank God many have now seen the truth!
"They have let me know exactly what they think of me, an adult making her own decisions. They have used emotional blackmail tactics to attempt to control me and force my siblings into the difficult situation of choosing sides within a family. When I explained to them the healing process I was going through, they told me I was wasting time nursing my wounds and holding on to grudges when I should be focused on Jesus. They have let me know that I am “deluded” and that they believe my opinions to be “crap.” Further, they have accused me of purposefully “causing division within the church.” "
~~~The irony in these accusations is just too much when we realize that those are the very things that drove so many parents toward Bill Gothard's teachings. =(
I'm sorry for the place your story is at today. But I hope and trust that it will have an incredibly happy ending and that you are one day reunited with your parents. =)
(((hugs)))
Thank you for sharing your story Kristiana.
Many elements of your story sound familiar to me, as victim and at times as abuser. It is a horrible, horrible doctrine that parents are responsible for anything other than the responsibility to love and nurture their children.
I wanted to be a home school mom in part to bring healing to my own heart, and to avoid the mistakes my mom made. My mom is mentally ill, but I didn't realize that for many years. I knew she did not love me, though. In my desire to be the opposite of her, I chose to be a SAHM mom. Home schooling was a natural extension of that for me.
And you know, the appeal for me lay in the freedom and expanded opportunity, the opportunity of nurture that is home schooling. But the Christian support groups that promoted home schooling, what a freaking mess! I got slurped up into the controlling Christian parenting machine, yet all the time, something inside of me resisted.
I still did the devotions, attended the Bible studies, forbade Harry Potter and Pokemon and all the other ridiculousness, but I also loved my children dearly. That love did not keep me completely out of the crazy zone, but it kept me from going further than I did.
My oldest was a stubborn, hard-headed girl who would not be controlled. God bless her for that! I remember when the day came, when I had to choose (as you so aptly put it) between loving my child and upholding my ideology.
I chose my child and love. Smart move. :)
I feel for you that your parents made the wrong choice. In fact, I regret ever lending any support to the Christian home school fantasy factory. I hope your parents wake up and change their tunes.
shadowspring -
"I chose my child and love."
Your words brought tears to my eyes. I hope someday to be a parent like you: one who humbly acknowledges my mistakes and always chooses to love.
Some of my friends who have gone through ATI still have a good relationship with their parents. I am not one of them - my parents chose the ideology over me. Maybe someday they'll realize the worth of what they lost. I'm not holding my breath, though. Instead, I am living my life without looking back. I'm only responsible for what I do. What they've done is on them.
"My journals from this period of my life are painful to read. They are marked by verbal self-flagellation..." Yes...I know. Sometimes I regret keeping journals....thanks for sharing.
I just read your story and I grieve with you over your childhood into adulthood, and even now as your parents continue to be deceived. It is mind boggling.
I am a parent of adult children who were swept into a "gothard-like" family over ten years. These parents prided themselves on their own "perfectness" and the "perfectness" of their controlled and manipulated adult children. They depised Gothard and Gothard people but they were just another "flavor".
Our children chose to listen to the parents' pernicious lies of how unperfect we were compared to their holiness. Over ten years have passed where we are now completely shunned and not holy enough to have even "some kind of relationship" as our son would say to try to control us.
I do not know how to stop such cruel, un-Christ-like behavior, but trust that God is greater and is working on their cold, hard hearts.
Galations 6:7-10
My encouragement for you is to continue to seek the real God of the Bible and do not hold Him responsible for your parents (and other people's) sin. Instead you can see how God set you free! from what my adult children (28, 30, 33) are still under.
Thank you for telling your story so that others may read and be set free also! Maybe even one of mine.
Kristina:
Unlike you that I was not raised with the Gothard cult, but I would say I come very close to it. I was raised in Taiwan, by parents that believed in breaking the will of the child and a hierarchy every bit like yours, the key is total control, and some physical punishment, but a lot of it is about parental authority as god. I had the similar experience and when I was in the dental school. I met my wife and my folks basically abused me for this, from the yelling to shouting to deafening tirades, you name it, I got it. I was then a 29 y.o. young man, trained at Harvard, and they tried this on me. I walked out of this type of abusive relationship, yes, they relented and yes they gave us a wedding. But the damage was done and I had to draw a boundary where I can protect my own family. I do have a very healthy family 5 kids and my lovely wife whom I nick-named my Boss, is a very loving person, and together, within the boundary I drew, we have a healthy and lovely family.
So I affirm your act of drawing a boundary, especially with the Gothard cult, and then you should vigorously defend this boundary so that your family and children will not fall victims to this type of abuses. The reward is well worth it, and don't worry about god/God (many of this type of fundamentalist abuse survivors do become atheist, or agnostics). I am still on a journey, but one thing is for sure, look often at your own children, love and enjoy them, and shield them from harm of the home schooling environment and run from any IFB churches.
Time has a wonderful way to heal. While you can never change these crazies for god, you can change yourself and be happy. I do, and all the more for it! I currently work with PBI Survivors of various types of abuses, and your story will be shared to give others hope! Blessings, young lady!
@ Benjamin Chung: Good for you for walking out and drawing healthy boundaries! It makes me so happy to hear of people rising above their oppressive, abusive pasts and moving on to happiness. And thank you for your encouragement in defending the boundaries I drew in my own relationships. When it's tough going, when the old voices are calling me back, when I'm emotionally tired and worn out... it's difficult to remember why I am fighting so hard for my happiness.
I especially appreciate you telling me not to worry about god issues right now. It's interesting that you mention IFB churches. Even after I left home, I ended up attending an IFB church for almost 7 years. That also left its scars. Since then, I've also been on a journey. I am learning to live and to love without pretense and without forced structures and rules. I have no children yet, but when I do, I will have so much love to share with them.
Thanks for your comment, Benjamin. You honestly have made my evening. :-)
Wow! What a story! That is one of life's most invasive challenges and the way you describe it obviously resonates with a lot of others. I wonder if you feel now that you were in denial as regards your parents major misconduct while it was going on, but I guess that's the point. All the best.
I am SO sorry that happened to you. You could be describing my "mother." The abuse, and the denial of it afterward, were so bad I started keeping journals just so I could remember what really happened. She had a couple of pithy little sayings that I hate to this day: "You're so smart to be so stupid" and "you have a warped mind." If I mentioned the beating as a cause of my bruises, I got slapped for lying and told I had a warped mind.
It does take years to sort out the lies. I'm now 52 and still dealing with PTSD. I endorse everything you say: Don't lose the fight within!
I wish I could tell you it will all magically get better and go away someday with no scars, but you already know that isn't true. Don't lose that fire. Live well in spite of, not because of, the way you were raised.
Almost done watching your YouTube video interview. Thanks for sharing your story. Yes; we'll see what happens next. You now have a daughter; are you planning on homeschooling? Or is that a decision in progress? After all, there are so many other Christian curriculums available now. The interesting thing is, even the Duggars and Bates say they use other curriculum(ABEKA is one) in addition to the "wisdom booklets", though never admitted that that's because they're not all-sufficient for all educational requirements.
Keep on seeking God for your own life and decisions.
Kristiana and all others who were hurt by this movement, please consider a fundamental error of Gothardism is the demotion of the local New Testament church of born-agains led by submissive elders in worship, fellowship, teaching, and preaching of the Gospel message. Gothardism/Quiverfull dismisses the importance of this one local self-governing body. The context of Christ being in the midst of two or three gathered together is in the context of a local church--specifically the discipline aspect of all members including elders--and nothing short of that. Gothard/Quiverfull organization and leadership does not meet these requirements of a local church (Mat.18:15-20) and should not be allowed prominence in any such capacity.(v.18) ATI should never have been given the service efforts or submissiveness that should have gone to or through your local churches ministries alone.