One day several years ago while doing some spring-cleaning, my wife and I stumbled across the personal journals we’d each kept while on staff at the Indianapolis Training Center. For the uninitiated, journal keeping is touted as a very important discipline within ATI/IBLP (Advanced Training Institute and Institute in Basic Life Principles) ranks, right after prayer, fasting and Scripture memory/meditation. Reading through them was quite an awkward blast from the past and we found ourselves giggling at some of the silly things we had written.
Each of us had written about music in our journals. Now, years later while re-reading our entries, we couldn’t escape the conclusion that we were but robots, parroting back music opinions that had been drilled into us by IBLP leadership and peers.
I’ve already written about why I now see ATI’s music stance as based on little more than opinion and personal preference; today I’d like to focus a bit on the negative impact such opinions had in my life.
As the old cliché goes, opinions are like belly buttons: everyone has one. Here are a few I remember being offered by some of my peers:
“Today’s praise choruses are a poor substitute for the great hymns of the faith. Whereas the hymns are about God’s greatness, the choruses are self-centered. All of the lyrics accentuate ME and MY.” (Such as Victory in Jesus? “Victory in Jesus, MY Savior forever. He sought ME and bought ME with his redeeming love . . .”)
“Praise choruses are shallow; whereas hymns are meaty and full of doctrine.” (Really? Look at this beauty: “Heavenly sunshine, flooding my soul with glory divine, Hallelujah Jesus is mine.” Sounds like “shallow” praise to me.)
And then my all time personal favorite: “The problem with praise choruses are that they refer to God as ‘You’ rather than addressing Him more respectfully, by referring to Him as ‘Thee’ or ‘Thou’.” (Yeah, I’ve got nothing to say there, other than to point out that I’m not aware of many ATI families who were of the Quaker persuasion.)
As if impromptu statements such as the above being bandied about weren’t enough, we were also given more structured teaching, such as the Hymnology course taught during a men’s Counseling Seminar while I was on staff at the Indianapolis Training Center. I remember the speaker talking about the depravity of “scooping” when singing. Her only proof was to claim, “It’s sleazy and sensual, and I don’t like it.” The course was then followed by the most bizarre question and answer/testimony and confession session I’ve ever witnessed. Student after student stepped up to a microphone to say such random things as, “I only like two praise choruses: ‘Majesty’ and ‘As the Deer,’” and then to ask the speaker, “What do you think about that?” Her response? “They’re okay. I prefer hymns.”
While hindsight has illuminated the ludicrousness of such events, the reality is that both my wife and I had succumbed to this group-think so rampant at the Indianapolis Training Center. In the case of my journal entry, I was recounting a Sunday morning at church when I had gone home for the holidays. And while I praised the message given that morning, in my journal I wrote about how grieved the Holy Spirit must have been at the “sensuality” of the worldly music “played” during the service. My wife’s journal entry focused on the drum set utilized during a service she attended and she then likened it to a “three-ring circus.”
Today, each of us could probably recall specific instances where we judged people who ministered to us through music in our particular churches. “The soloist’s skirt was too short. She looked like a harlot.” “He looked worldly. His hair was long and he was dressed all grungy.” “I can’t believe they think God wants to be worshiped that way.” “Look at him drawing attention to himself that way.”
Our way of life through Bill Gothard’s ministry seemed so right, and we bought into every aspect of it. Yet the more time we spent outside of ATI and got to know other believers who had never heard of Bill Gothard, the more we found so many of these people to be strong believers who were full of the joy of the Lord. So passionate about serving Him. So grateful for the salvation He’d given them. And in spite of their amazing relationship with the Lord, they listened to contemporary Christian music. In fact, their irreverent music was a big part of their spiritual life. That discovery, contrasted with the false piety we’d all too often observed by hymn-only believers at the Indianapolis Training Center, caused each of us began to wonder, “What if THEY are right and WE are wrong?”
For me, the defining moment came one year after I’d left the Indianapolis Training Center and ended my formal association with ATI/IBLP. I was at a Promise Keepers event in Cincinnati, Ohio with my dad, my brothers, my uncles and my cousins. We were about as high up in the nosebleed section of Riverfront Stadium as one could possibly be without falling off, on our feet with thousands of other men, nearly all of them singing, many of them weeping, hands raised in the air, worshiping their Savior. Immediately, as I’d been conditioned to do, I began to judge them for their “emotionalism,” and to judge the music for how “worldly” the beat was. Then, for reasons unbeknownst to me at the time, I began to feel an enormous sense of conviction. I began to shudder as the thought swept over me: how long had it been since I had truly worshiped my Creator instead of spending all of my energy being a music critic? How much energy had I wasted in my efforts to be “right” instead of real?
I felt such shame, realizing how blind I’d been and how I had completely missed the point of worship. It’s not about me. It’s not about a “standard.”
It’s. All. About. Him.
He alone is worthy. And that’s when I officially jettisoned all that I had been taught about music during my ATI/IBLP tenure.
Today, if you were to visit my church, you’d probably find me worshiping my Savior not unlike my brothers in Christ whom I’d judged at Promise Keepers: most likely weeping, “arms high, and heart abandoned, in awe of the One who gave it all” for me, and grateful to have been delivered from the encumbrance of someone else’s preferences disguised as a “Godly standard.” Yes, I still have my personal preferences, and I’m fully aware that others have theirs, but at the end of the day, if the focus is really about Him, that preferential stuff just grows “strangely dim.”
Speaking as a formerly judgmental musician... thank you.
Ryan,
When I was saved in '93, I began to attend that church and was busy in ministry in so many aspects. Although we never were, at this point, active in the Gothard movement there was still an extremely pervasive culture that was just as you described. They taught things about dress and music that sounded so right. It all made so much sense to me. Obviously, this created a prideful heart in me concerning "other" Christians. My wife and I went to the mission field as church planters. It was here that the 'truths' we were taught really began to fall short of being tenable. I began to reevaluate things and the Lord used a small group of new believers to teach me what real joy in the Lord was all about.
I'm now serving as senior pastor of a church in my home state. It has been liberating to follow the Spirit and not rules of man for our ministry here. But even after all of these years, I still have that nagging feeling that our old peers think bad of me. Many have separated fellowship all together. But God has been so good to us! Over the past ten years we have witnessed the essence of "being" a Christian.
Thanks for your honesty. I'm encouraged by what I have found here.
wow, you really hit the nail on the head for me- I look over my shoulder all the time and wonder what people think of me...and have even separated myself from them because I was sure they were judging me, even when they weren't.
"And then my all time personal favorite: “The problem with praise choruses are that they refer to God as ‘You’ rather than addressing Him more respectfully, by referring to Him as ‘Thee’ or ‘Thou’.” (Yeah, I’ve got nothing to say there, other than to point out that I’m not aware of many ATI families who were of the Quaker persuasion.)"
That's actually backwards anyway. You is formal and plural, thou is the informal singular. That's why Quakers (traditionally) said thou, because it was the non-marked, non-super-respectful term in the singular.
Everybody else started being more formal with everybody, eventually pushing out thou entirely.
That's fascinating, Anonymouse. I never knew that.
I do hope my sarcasm didn't overshadow the point I was trying to make which is that in general, no one in ATI spoke in terms of "thee" and "thou." I was always puzzled as to how some thought using such terms in a song somehow made the song more "holy" (which, in my opinion, it didn't).
Excellent article Ryan. Brought tears to my eyes as I too have been so guilty in the past of much of what you wrote about. I could have written a lot of your article.
You said: "Our way of life through Bill Gothard’s ministry seemed so right, and we bought into every aspect of it. Yet the more time we spent outside of ATI and got to know other believers who had never heard of Bill Gothard, the more we found so many of these people to be strong believers who were full of the joy of the Lord."
I remember when our family joined another church they had a music minister that the love of Jesus would just shine through him and yet there was nothing tradional about him, but he was very contemporary. I had a hard time getting past the love he showed us. I couldn't understand how he could use such ungodly music yet be so Christlike in his unconditional love and patience with me and my family.
So glad all of this is past. It's great to sing praises to my Lord without a judgemental attitude towards the music and others. God is so good!
This article brought back so many memories. "How much energy had I wasted in my efforts to be “right” instead of real?" Lots of years were wasted living that way. Thank God for second chances! =)
Loved reading your article. I remember watching a friend who was passionate about Jesus (and also in ATI) worshiping fully during the contemporary music when we went to church together. I really felt impressed at that time from watching her example that I could choose to worship God whatever the music style was. It wasn't until a few years after that though that I began to question the music standards I held to for so long. Now I so enjoy worshiping God with many styles of music! Much of the contemporary music is so powerful and really touches my heart because of the repetition/meditation on truth. So glad I can worship God fully now with many varieties of music and not feel guilty or judgmental!
Great article.
Because I never listened to CCM, I believed the "it's shallow and man-centered" accusations. Then I began to listen and I realized that it was NOTHING like how it had been portrayed. Since the lyrics reflected Scripture accurately, my only obstacle was the sound, but as I read Scripture, I started to realize that my high music standards were not demanded by the Bible. Psalms commands us to worship loudly and to praise God with the harp, the cymbals, and even the dance! Also Scripture records David dancing with joy before the Lord, Michal rebuking him, and God judging MICHAL not David!
I do still enjoy hymns with a piano, acapella voices blending in harmony, or the grand sound of a pipe organ, but I also enjoy passionately praising God through contemporary music (although I'm still a little too inhibited to raise my hands; maybe someday!)
I liked the song allusions in your last paragraph too!
Good article. I went to a Bible School in preparation for the mission field and often left chapel during the praise and worship time. I missed so much because I judged others instead of joining them in worshiping our God. When I finally got to the mission field years later, I was in a very remote place and found myself struggling with depression with no one to talk to about it, because no one else spoke my language well enough to talk about anything real. All the church services were in a foreign language, and I wasn't getting fed spiritually. I became more and more weary and depressed. All of the music I had brought with me was classical and hymns. Much of it was classical hymn arrangements without words. Some of them helped, but most of them were just pretty and relaxing, and that's not what I needed. I needed deep, strong music that would reach out to me where I was and pull me closer to God. A friend had given me a CD, but I hadn't listened to all of it because it was CCM and I was afraid it was wrong. By this point, I wasn't sure, but I didn't want to take chances. One day I was so depressed I didn't care anymore, and turned it on. The music was so powerful, the words so compelling. God used it to break through the depression and tell me that He loved me. I cried and cried and God ministered to me deeply. And I wondered, If this music is evil, how can God be using it to help me when the "good" music wasn't helping? Is this just emotionalism? No. God is speaking to me through this song. This music style matches the intensity of feeling in the words and speaks to me deeply about God's love. That day I knew that it was good, not evil. That was in the spring of 2009. That summer I was in the USA with other believers who could freely worship. God so used those songs to speak to me and bring me closer to Him, and the guilt about CCM began to wash away. Just over a year ago I was in England and went to a Hillsong concert in London, for the first time surrounded by thousands of people worshiping God through CCM, and able to join them in raising my hands and voice to God in praise. It was definitely culture shock, but my supportive friends helped me through it, and it was great! God has been giving me so much freedom to be creative in my worship to Him, to worship Him with all that I am. It's still a journey, and sometimes I struggle, not so much with whether it's okay, but with what others are thinking of me. But it's worth it to be able to worship God freely.
Thanks, Melody! I know exactly what you mean about continuing to struggle with wondering what others think of me - especially because I tend to weep when I worship. Again, some will probably write that off as emotionalism; I don't care. I'm just so grateful for what my Savior did for me and that He loves me more than I could possibly ever comprehend. I can't stop the tears. And I don't think God minds that.
Wow, after all these years away from ATI, I'm still judgmental about music. I belong to a church that avoids any rock beat in church. If I see drums in a church, I'm out of there. Maybe I need to re-evaluate my attitude.
One thing about the CMM that was "bad" (or at least something my mom talked about - it may have been more her personal opinion, at any rate, I grew up thinking it was true...) was that CMM songs aren't good because they have a lot of repetition and Matthew 7 says something about the Pharisees praying with lots of repetition. So apparently many CMM songs were bad simply because they would repeat phrases over an over. The funny thing is, IBLP (and especially my mom) are really big on meditation...they talk about repeating the lines of Scripture over and over, and thinking about each one. Which, when you think about it, isn't that what the lyrics of many CMM songs help you do? So I find their views on meditation and CMM to disagree with each other. Does anyone else feel that way? And also, I was taught CMM is bad because it is new...not like the old, traditional hymns. And yet IBLP's motto is "Giving the world a new approach to life". Ironic. It seems even more so as I write this.
My Mom said the same thing about vain repetition and referenced Matthew 6:7 “And when you are praying, do not use meaningless repetition as the Gentiles do, for they suppose that they will be heard for their many words." NASB Everything my Mom thought about music came from IBLP so she must have picked it up there. Funny thing I went and read the verse in context and it hit me this is about prayer not music and Jesus is admonishing people to do good in humility in the larger context. I also read the verse in several other translations and it wasn't always translated as repetition also as rambling and babbling point being that lots of words don't make a prayer better.
Thank you Hannah for a comment that got me thinking and checking the scripture for myself.
You were right to judge their emotionalism at the Promise Keepers rally.
You would be wrong, as we all would, to say that it was wrong just because of emotionalism. The spiritual man judgeth all things. That is Biblical. That is what we are to do. We are not admonished to seek an "anything goes" mentality.
We should however not dismiss any of it simply because "it's emotional." Good worship will be emotional. It's part of the human experience. But an emphasis on the emotion at the expense of doctrine is unwise, and I would say wrong.