Having been raised for 13 years in the Advanced Training Institute (ATI) home school program I was confident of a successful marriage. I followed the formula. I waited for God’s Best. I saved my first kiss until after engagement (though I’m sure I should have saved it for the wedding day). I had my parents’ blessing. I had a godly man. Therefore we would sail blissfully into the sunset.
And sail we did…. Only the ship got lost at sea and ended on a rocky shore.
I’m actually not going to write about all the little things that caused my marriage to end. I’ve learned that everyone has a story… and until I have walked a mile in someone’s shoes I cannot even begin to make assumptions on what they should/should not have done.
I would like talk about what happens when you are a girl, raised in ATI to be a wife/mother (stay at home, of course) and suddenly find yourself faced with being a single, working mother. To say my respect and admiration for single working moms has grown 10x would be an understatement. And for my friends who are ex-ATI, single, working moms, it’s grown 100x. Why? Because when we were growing up we were taught that a college degree was not necessary–in fact, it would only undermine everything the Bible teaches. Ministry should be our focus. We became experts at going into other women’s homes and helping them organize and clean, teach/care for their children, bake bread, etc. These are really wonderful things for teenagers to learn–but without an educational balance it fails to equip them for life outside the home.
When I entered marriage my dream had really been to attend college. I quickly forgot this and moved into motherhood. After a couple of children I began realizing that I still have that desire, that dream. The plan was set in motion for me to go to school when my youngest started school. This was put to rest when I became pregnant again. Fast forward a few years and here I sit. My marriage ended, little ones, no job, and no degree. Okay, but no problem, right? Because of course I have CHARACTER! Isn’t that what we were told? If you had character you would not need to waste four years attending college for a “piece of paper” that was actually a waste of time and for which employers did not really care about.
I suppose our parents and Bill Gothard didn’t factor in a few things. One of which was the economy. I searched almost 4 months before finding a job. When I wrote up my resume it was woefully lacking in education and recent experience. In fact, every time I got the question, “No college?”–it was like a knife.
My situation has made me think very hard on the “why” behind the way I was raised. Why is a vocational or college education considered wrong for a girl? Why is it not seen as an asset? Even if you don’t anticipate divorce, what about becoming a widow? What if your husband becomes disabled? There are so many unknown factors in life, why not prepare our daughters as much as possible?
And then I think about the verse, “Train up a child in the way they should go…” I have a friend who from the time she was little bitty wanted to be a wife and mom. It was her heart’s desire. And her dream came true. She is an amazing wife and mom! And then there was me. My thoughts of marriage and children were always distant–someday… one day… but what I really wanted was to go to college and work on the mission field. If we truly are to raise our children according to their natural bent, then why is it thought worldly and ungodly to want something other than immediate marriage/motherhood at the age of 18? Is it possible that God made us–women–as individuals?
So I write this to you daughters who are not yet married: Please, PLEASE find a vocation or decide on a degree, and GO FOR IT! I know it will be scary. I know it’s taking steps that will feel unsteady. But I also know that it is much easier having no spouse and no children. If you find yourself married but with that desire to gain further education–GO FOR IT! Don’t wait! There are so many options now with night classes and on-line classes. And if you find yourself like me–I am NOT giving up my dream. I might have to postpone it for the immediate need of providing for my children, but I already have a plan in mind of when and how I can start working on my degree. So to us I say–GO FOR IT! What do we have to lose, really?
And to any parents who might be reading this and still have daughters at home: I beg of you, let them be individuals. Let them grow and mature into the desires God has put in their hearts. Give them every asset possible, because honestly, who knows what lies ahead of them.
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Cyndi spent ages 9-23 in ATI. The highlight of this time was her time spent in Russia living on the Moscow River. She is currently a single, working mother to three amazing children. She worked in Chicago at the ATI Headquarters and also spent time in Indy, Children's Institutes and various counseling seminars.
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I'm happily married and my husband has a good job. But I know that undercurrent of anxiety very well: if something happens to him, what am I supposed to do with no college degree? And marriage and motherhood was supposed to be the fulfillment of all our dreams, but that turned out to be an empty promise as well. It's *part* of who I am and what I do, but not the end-all.
I dislike the degree system and probably would have leaped at the promise of alternative education if I'd been a parent listening to Gothard. Now, in my 30s with no degree (although I consider myself as well-educated as most who have degrees), I wonder at someone who could teach parents to prepare their daughters to be destitute if no man is around to support them.
Thank you for your post.
Good thoughts here. I was one of those who thought I wanted to 'just get married and have kids'. However, Mr. Right wasn't just sitting there waiting for me to finish high school. I was blessed to spend 7 years in college and to get two Master's degrees (which I thoroughly enjoyed doing!). I ended up meeting my husband while in grad school, got married two days before my 27th birthday, and had a baby 10 months later. Although, I'm now a stay-at-home mom, I'm SO glad I had that education and time as a single woman. My education expanded my mind and makes me a better mom. I even have a very part-time tutoring job that is enjoyable and makes me a little money and that I probably wouldn't have gotten without my degrees. I would encourage all young women to go study or learn more as well! It certainly does NOT hurt anything!
I am so grateful my parents did not follow the preferred approach in this area and supported me in getting an advanced degree, albeit an alternative one. It has made me better able to support my husband, better able to teach my children, and better able to help out with finances when needed.
For those who believe their daughters should avoid higher education, I do understand the concern about racking up huge student debt, but that is not the only possible alternative. Look for other ways. Support your daughter in whatever gifts she has. Yes, you trust God to provide for her, but God never promises every believing girl a rich husband. Perhaps He is providing for her through the gifts and abilities he has endowed her with, and you are preventing that. Any man who finds your daughter less eligible because she is well-educated and capable is not a man you want to trust with her.
to your point, a good book to read is http://www.amazon.com/Rich-Woman-Investing-Women-Because/dp/1933914009/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1323166654&sr=8-1
she believes in being an independent, educated woman
Yes, yes, yes! I'm 33, divorced, and trying to figure out what the heck to do with myself. I love school, but am not sure what to study and how to pay for it. I realized recently that part of what has held me back is a fear that I'll pick the "wrong" courses and it will end up being a colossal waste of time. We weren't taught that the process is as important as the end result. There was only one goal, motherhood (or ministry, if not married). It was NEVER okay to be smart and independent. My dad told me once (I was 15?) that I was too independent to get married. Oh dear. Cyndi, I definitely admire you for being a single working mom.... sometimes it's all I can do to take care of myself! God bless us all, and lead us into believing that we CAN take care of ourselves and that is just as much His work as any "ministry" we might be involved in.
Having not being brought up in ATI my family's response to higher education was that it was mandatory. This was partly because my father was not encouraged to go to university himself, something he regretted. In the end, my father also went to university in his forties so for a while, out of five in our family, only my mother was not studying - she had to go out to work to support my father!
I met my husband at university and continued to study after we were married, gaining my masters. I worked only a short time after leaving university before starting our family. Today as I homeschool my children I am very glad of my education. It gives me confidence that I am qualified to teach and more importantly that I have the research and thinking skills to help my children when they hit problems in their schoolwork. My son has moved into high school level now and increasingly I am needing to call upon my higher education. Recently I completed his maths curriculum including the problems (in a handful of afternoons) so I could know exactly what was tripping him up. If I only had a high school education, would have I had the confidence to do that?
ATI encourages perpetual homeschooling through the generations but I would start to be concerned that mothers who themselves have only had a high school education would eventually create a ''dumbing down" effect on their children as each generation learns less from the one before. Like a cistern with a leak that is losing water, for each generation there is less knowledge to impart. Going on to higher education is a way to keep that cistern topped up even if you have no great plans for a stunning career. And as others have said, only God knows the future and it is wise to be prepared.
Now like my father before me, I have told my children they will be going to university. It often crops up when they complain about essay writing and I tell them that they have to learn to write because they need the skill at university :-). Now off to read my son's physics textbook!
Great story- thanks for sharing. NEVER, EVER forget your dreams-! My parents always told us to get our degree before getting married...I did...and now am married with 5 kids and work part time as a writer and teacher...
Thank for this article.
I think you struck at the heart of what drives this teaching, the idea that "good" Christian women never get divorced and won't need to work. Even if that teaching were true (which I don't believe that it is), it is short sighted. As you stated, there are a host of other reasons why a woman might find herself in the situation of needing to support herself and her children.
When I was completing my bachelor's degree, I took a class with a woman in her 30s whose (young) husband unexpectedly passed away and here she found herself trying to complete her degree so that she would have the means to provide for herself and her young children.
I think it can be incredibly dangerous to put all of your eggs in one basket. Yes, you should trust God to provide for you, but Ruth went out and actually gleaned food for herself and Naomi to eat. She didn't just wait for food to magically fall from the sky.
I agree. Even though my parents never spoke out against higher education specifically, I kind of developed the idea within myself that it would be a waste of time for me to finish college. My dad was always telling me that due to the fact that Jesus would be coming soon, I probably would not really live to be very old.
When as a teen or a person in my twenties, every time I would mention the desire to finish college, get married, and have kids, my dad would mention Jesus return and would tell me to "Just follow Jesus. There is not a lot of time left."
I am now 40 years old. It has been depressing to find out that these days even to have a job putting away books at our local library requires a college degree. There are many things I would love to do that are unavailable to me without going back to school for several more years.
If I had children, I would tell them to finish their educations as much as they could since no one knows the day or hour of His return.
I wish I had finished my education when I had the chance because marriage does not mean that a woman will never have to work outside the home. My husband has been without a job twice in the last five years. I have had to work too.
I love my parents, but wish now that they had insisted that I develop a vocation.
I was blessed to be in a former ATI family that came around to allowing their 5 daughters to choose if they would attend university or vocational learning. I quickly realized that we were in the minority! 4 of us are in the process of or are planning to pursue their masters degrees, and only two of us are married, I being the only one with children. I should note that I met my husband at work in an area that requires a degree!
My heart goes out to the mothers who find themselves in this position. My own best friend found herself in the surprise position of divorced with three children under age 3. If it were not for her education I do not know how she would be able to provide for her children.
Our children will have our blessing with whatever path they choose be it university or vocational but they MUST have a way to provide for themselves as we do not know what the future holds. Ones degree may be Gods way of providing for them when all other paths fail.
I feel for you Cyndi, and hope you find away to follow your dreams. I (thankfully) was only in ATI for about a year. As a widow and mother of a young boy I can attest to the importance of living a full life now, and preparing for the future. I did go to collage. I will be able to continue my education and support my son. I would defiantly encourage young women to take advantage of any chance to further their education. And to all you parents out there, life insurance can be the difference between a stable life for those left behind, and being destitute. Even with a B.A., I'll need to continue my education before I can really support my son. So grateful to my late husband for loving us enough to plan for the worst while believing in the best. God bless you!
Cyndi,
My heart broke for you as I read of your experience. I too was duped into believing it was wrong, or unnecessary for a young woman to obtain a college degree. The difference is, I was an ATI mom. I personally had always desired a college degree and assumed once my children were older and in school I would have my opportunity. Of course, once soundly indoctrinated into the false teachings of Bill Gothard, I would abandon my hopes and dreams. In addition I would be taught that the highest calling for myself and my young daughters was that of wife and mom, and so it was not necessary to pursue higher education since it was a stronghold. I would teach and instill this terrible lie into my young, trusting daughters. Finally escaping from Gothard's cult 8 years later and attempting to assimilate into modern society I realized how I had shortchanged my daughters. It would then take many years and circumstances later, but at 50 years old I would finally have the opportunity to pursue my dream and attend college. I would find an experience much different than what I had been led to fearfully anticipate. I would grow, learn, and find others with different beliefs. But what I found also was that I was respected for my beliefs. I found an amazing world full of potential and opportunities and Professors who encouraged and challenged me to excellence. I cannot undo what I did to my daughters, I cannot undo the damaging lies I taught them. As I walk across the beautiful college campus it feels like a knife piercing my soul. I did not know this wonderful college experience was out in the world. I had been lied to and lied to my daughters in the process. Had I not been lied to, I would have gone to college many years ago and provided an excellent example for my daughters that they could have followed. I would have instilled in them that wife and mother is important, but by being educated they would have a greater chance for success in this life if it were ever necessary, or if they preferred to work. But the number one thing I would have done, was convey to them that 'they' could choose for themselves. I shed tears of sadness as I write this story. I understand your pain. Yet it is I who stands guilty. I hold great shame, pain, and regret. For it is one such as I who inflicted this harm on you. One who was deceived by a man who promised us he would show us a better way for our children. Promised us we were following God's word. Cyndi I am so sorry. So very sorry for how you have been shortchanged. How you have been left less than prepared for the harsh realities in this life. I do know that God can restore the years the locusts have eaten in our lives. I know he can heal and restore 10 fold what was robbed from you. May God heal and restore all of those damaged by the false teachings of Bill Gothard. And may all of you young men and women find forgiveness in your hearts for parents who wanted the best and were deceived.