Several years after I ended my formal association with IBLP (the Institute in Basic Life Principles), I did something wrong. What it was isn’t the point of this article. At first I didn’t think much about it, but later that evening, I began to feel guilty. Very guilty. As I had been trained to think during my time in IBLP, this must have been the voice of the Holy Spirit convicting me of sin.
I thought through what I had done and how I might have responded differently. I rationalized it in my head. Then I went to sleep. The next morning, it was still there. Still bugging me. I prayed for forgiveness and got busy with my day. That night, it was still there. I began to grow fearful as to the consequences if I were caught. I feared the consequences if I confessed to the appropriate authority. So I ignored it. But the next day, it was still there. And every day thereafter for the next 18 months.
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. I called the authority to confess my sin and turn myself in. They told me not to worry about it. I felt better. For a few days.
Then the feelings of guilt and fear returned. And they continued. In my mind I began to analyze it again. Was it really wrong? Had I confessed to the right authority? I felt like God looked at me and saw what I did and He was angry. All the time. Withholding any blessing until I made this right. I tried again. I contacted a different authority. This time it was one I was sure was the right authority. I wrote a letter confessing what I had done. He wrote back and told me not to worry about it. I felt better. For a few days.
Where did all this come from? Looking back, I have no doubt that this entire episode stemmed from teaching in the Basic Seminar about having a clear conscience. And lest anyone accuse me of being licentious, I do believe there is value in clearing your conscience. But I believe that there are serious issues with the way that concept is taught by IBLP.
In the Basic Seminar, Bill Gothard uses a number of anecdotes and clichés to teach about the importance of a clear conscience. He says that having a clear conscience means, never being in a position where someone says, “You offended [or wronged] me and never tried to make it right.” He tells the story of someone who did something illegal and when faced with having to clear his conscience, states, “I’d rather be in prison on the outside and free on the inside than free on the outside and in prison on the inside.” As I wrestled with my heavy conscience, these sentences repeatedly cycled through my head as if being played on some sort of sadistic tape recorder. As did the concept that Jesus Christ is the way, THE TRUTH, and the life. How could I claim to be His follower and not be truthful in all things?
So what finally happened? While I was visiting my in-laws’ church one day, the pastor played a song and asked us to close our eyes and just listen to the song. The chorus really spoke to me:
What sin, what sin?
That’s as far away
As the east is from the west
What sin, what sin?
It was gone the very minute you confessed
Buried in the sea of forgetfulness[1]
God used these lyrics to illuminate the truth of my situation: I was trying to pay for my own sin, trying to earn forgiveness by following all of the steps for clearing my conscience as taught by IBLP, rather than remembering that I had a Sin Bearer who paid for my sins, past, present, and future.
While I still believe that there is a time and a place to “leave your gift at the altar and be reconciled to your brother,” I think it’s important to remember that Jesus’s prescription to the woman caught in adultery was pretty simple:
Go and sin no more.
[1] Morgan Cryar, What Sin?
Good thougts. I realized several years ago that I was trying to "earn forgiveness" with restitution. Bill Gothard taught that making restition was "fruits meet for repentance." So, I gathered that to make sure I was *really* repentant I had to confess my sins to someone to make restitution. My mom would often remind me of David's prayer after sinning with Bathsheba and killing Uriah. "Against thee, thee only have I sinned." If confessing to God was good enough for David, it must be for me, too. I agree that there's a place for restitution, but it doesn't earn forgiveness with God. Amazing how deep some of these bad concepts go!
Ah yes. The endless guilt. Thanks for sharing this.
I find that after I've tried to make something right, (even though I usually end up taking on more of the problem than is really mine to own), I walk around on tip toes, trying to make sure the other person isn't mad at me. Oh, someday I'll be free from all of this!
Ryan - This is an excellent article! A little over a year ago I went through a very difficult time in my life. I assumed that I had failed God and to be honest I believed that He was done with me.... It felt like my life was over! I experienced severe depression! I did not realize initially that my depression was a result of the teaching of IBLP.... I have not been apart of the organization for many years. However, through the help of friends I have begun to recognize that although I left IBLP the teachings did not leave me.... In the past few months I have had to face what I really believe about God and myself.... I have been shocked to discover that I have viewed God as a harsh judge that is simply waiting for us to make a mistake so he can destroy us..... My soul was constantly filled with guilt and shame... I love this statement, "Religion either ends in pride or despair." Very true! Jesus came to give us an abundant life; which produces humility and hope. I think the worst thing about IBLP is that it has damaged our view of God and how He feels about each of us. I hope and pray that we will discover that God is truly our Savior in every area of our lives and that He cares for us even when we feel that we have failed.... I want to know my Redeemer! - Carrie Simms
Thanks, Carrie. Nice to "see" you again :)
I can definitely identify with the damage to my view of God (that's the reason why my bio says my journey from legalism to grace is a work in process). While I know the truth about God's character intellectually, I sometimes struggle with really believing it. Praise God for a few spiritual siblings who continually remind me of these truths and often won't quit with the reminders until the concept "sticks."
God bless!
Yes! I can truly relate to what you all are saying. I just started this journey from legalism to grace, and am so glad that I stumbled upon this website and this article. I too made every effort to clear my conscience just as I had learned from the years of IBLP seminars, but still the guilt remained, as did an increasing awareness that I was never going to get this right. I was also filled with shame and viewed God as a harsh judge. So it is healing to read that God does indeed forgive me and is my Sin Bearer for my past, present, and future sins. I too am wanting to discover more about my Redeemer and how He isn't angry when I fail, but loves me. Sometimes it seems too good to be true...like I am getting off the hook. But then again, that's what makes it such good news. Thank you for sharing!
Ryan, thanks for this article. Your thoughts prompted me to write a series of blog posts on the conscience. Legalism builds the idea into us that the conscience is the voice of the Holy Spirit, but the truth is that the conscience is the continuing voice of law to condemn us.
You and your readers might be interested in the series which begins here:
http://graceformyheart.wordpress.com/2012/01/11/a-clear-conscience/
Thanks again! I appreciate the efforts of all of you at RG so much!
THis article is soooo good. Makes me want to cry. Getting out of ATI and trying to hear from Holy Spirit for myself has been a long, confusing process. My bro-in-law recently sent this website to me and I seriously think I am just going to read article after article until the truth is burned into my heart/brain. Thanks for sharing the truth!!!!!!