When my husband and I were courting, we carefully set our “line” of physical touch. There would be no kissing until our wedding day; handholding was ok after we were engaged. Yes, we were following the “courtship model,” albeit loosely. We had been friends and had a lot contact before we were officially courting. We had discussed the perfect wedding and the fact that we felt like God had more in store for us than just a friendship. I even knew when he was calling my dad, so, even though our courtship could never have been printed up in the little booklets and passed out at Knoxville, it was still a bit of a “courtship,” and our first kiss was put off until our wedding day.
Fast forward to after the wedding, thousands of kisses later; I was in a discussion about setting limits during dating/courtship, engagement. A friend of mine said that she and her husband didn’t set an arbitrary line. Rather, they had worked at listening to the Holy Spirit.
Whoa! Novel concept! If we had done that, we might have kissed! And now, looking back, I had to admit that my friend’s approach had some serious advantages over mine.
For starters, it would have required being more open with each other about what actions were causing a problem rather than just sticking with the “no kissing” rule. But more importantly, isn’t listening to the Holy Spirit and following His lead central to Christianity? Doesn’t Scripture say, “Walk by the Spirit and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh”? (Gal. 5:16).
I mean, according to that verse, the key to not sinning isn’t making rules, it’s walking in the Spirit.
Sadly, on that day when my friend mentioned the way that she and her husband dealt with not falling into sin, it really was novel to me. I mean, honestly, I had been saved how long? More than 25 years?!?!? I grew up in the church. The key to living the Christian life should not have been hidden to me.
Sometimes, I think that up until recently, the story of my Christian life could be summarized in another verse from Galatians. “Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now going to be made complete by the flesh?” (Gal. 3:3).
Even though I (hopefully) had looked to Jesus alone for Salvation, I was looking to the flesh for sanctification. Just following Him wasn’t enough to avoid sin. I had to add a few extra rules.
But, that doesn’t keep me from sinning. Sure, I didn’t kiss my husband until our wedding day. I kept my promise. But does that mean I didn’t sin during our engagment? Absolutely not! Not kissing him didn’t prevent me from wishing I could kiss him and then some. And it didn’t conquer lust.
But, you know what did happen? During those days of being madly in love and wishing I could show it more, during that time of working to resist the desire to kiss him, the Holy Spirit was with me. I did cross lines. Not the ones that Samuel and I had drawn, but lines that God had drawn. And the Guide that my loving Father has given me was faithful to tell me about it. And I, because I am His, responded to get my actions realigned, not with the extra vows we had made to keep ourselves from sin, but with what He was saying in my heart.
So, I’m now trying to correct my theology. I’m trying to get my mind to accept what my heart obviously knew. And I keep coming back to the end of Colossians, chapter 2. “If you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why do you live as if you still belonged to the world? Why do you submit to regulations: “Don’t handle, don’t taste, don’t touch”? All these regulations refer to what is destroyed by being used up; they are commands and doctrines of men. Although these have a reputation of wisdom by promoting ascetic practices, humility and a severe treatment of the body, they are not of any value in curbing self-indulgence.”
I remember reading passages like that and Romans 14 and thinking that the Apostle Paul must have been mistaken. Of course those extra rules were good for us! The IBLP system teaches that you can judge the spirituality of a person by the number of commitments he made. We were basically taught that Romans 14 was backwards. Extra-Biblical standards are for the spiritually strong, not the spiritually weak.
Now, I am amazed at the level of deception I had fallen into… to think that Gothard knew more than the Apostle Paul and that his system was above the Word of God.
I’m so thankful for the realization that it’s “Not by strength or by might, but My Spirit, says the Lord of Hosts” (Zech. 4:6). I’m so excited about this life that is completely by grace through faith, empowered by the Holy Spirit. Talk about limitless possibilities! And limitless power to conquer sin. Again, I realize that God’s way really is best! “Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far and grace will lead me home.”
Oh, so good! And so exciting to watch this freedom unfold in your life. It has been unfolding slowly in my own life as well. Suddenly, Romans - that scary book that made no sense! - is revealing truth and liberty at every corner (although it can still be confusing!). Thank you for sharing. I rejoice with you in this freedom we have to walk in His Spirit, in His strength.
And a little nugget I have found to be exciting these last few weeks: Colossians 2:6 "So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord (BY GRACE! Even the ATI/IFB group will give you that one!), so walk in Him (the same way! By Grace! By His strength!)."
Rejoicing with You,
Karen
I really like your reminder that all of life should be lived under the guidance of the Holy Spirit, not a set of man-made rules. :)
Quoted for truth:
"Now, I’m amazed at the level of deception I had fallen into….to think that Gothard knew more than the Apostle Paul and that his system was above the Word of God."
Rom.14 and Gal.3, and Col.2 do a heckuva lot of damage to Mr. G's systems of gothard-made commandments. Funny how I just can't recall those passages getting equal time in seminars or teaching/practice in gothard 'training centers.'
Am I mistaken, or aren't you supposed to want, ie, "lust" after your fiance? I would think something was wrong if that aspect was missing.
So far as "listening to the Spirit", that's basically what we did, too. Once or twice we had to take inventory and set a boundary, which we did. But our relationship prior to marriage was mostly long-distance. And yes, that approach did lead to kissing ;) Lots and lots of it! But I digress...
No, wait. It wasn't the long-distance relationship that led to kissing, but the approach of "letting the Spirit lead"... and "lead", it did (lol)! Somehow my words aren't coming out right ;)
Lol! I don't know. I thik the long-distance part can, too.
BRILLIANT!!!Thanks for sharing that!
I enjoyed a lot of this, and identified a lot with it.
The only thing I would change is the phrasing about "listening to the Spirit." "Walking by the Spirit" encompasses a lot of things, including devotion to discernment based on God's written word, local church involvement, and making decisions accordingly. But I can't help but think of Gothard's (and others') mystical view of not doing a thing (or doing it) based on supposed inner "leadings" or nudges, which are described in Scripture, but not prescribed.
Of course, that could be my little "eisegesis" of what was written! I'm mainly wary of ensuring our language about being guided by the Spirit does not leave a door open for that kind of mysticism. :-D
Well, I think "walking in the Spirit", by definition, would not contradict known NT instructions for believers, one of which is to avoid fornication. So you know what the basic boundaries are, but how you personally go about fulfilling those boundaries, is more of an individual scenario. I don't believe in, or think anyone was advocating, ignoring clear Biblical instruction to believers.
"The key to not sinning isn’t making rules, it’s walking in the Spirit." - How true! And it's so easy to make rules - I can do that in my flesh! I find listening to the Spirit is harder in a way, but it's also more freeing and more satisfying - and definitely more Biblical!!!
I love how Scripture saturates what you wrote. Unfortunately, sometimes people accuse those of us who've left legalistic backgrounds for grace of rejecting Biblical standards, but in reality we're trying to reject man-made standards and in truth return to what the Bible actually says.
As others have said, I am in no way implying that "walking in the Spirit" is permission to do things that are unscriptural. I think that the New Covenant holds us to a wonderfully high standard -- love, faith, the fruit of the Spirit. But because of the power of the indwelling Spirit of God, we can actually have Jesus life in us and we can love, we can have faith, we can walk in the fruit of the Spirit. But, it is easier to write extra-biblical rules than it is to truly love, to really walk by faith, to walk in the Spirit.
Ileata, I appreciate this. There's a lot here. Putting comments together that I've read from a couple authors, I would say (and I think this is in complete agreement what what you've said): Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom - not freedom to do whatever, whenever but freedom to become the person the Lord made me to be. And, freedom to let a relationship blossom and grow :-)
Significant---seen the "no kiss thing" ,but they sure did lots of other stuff I thought was way more than a kiss. Still they saved that "kiss" and think they are more holy.
Lord, help their deceived hearts~~~
Agreed. we didn't follow courtship completely, but we started out with the best intention, and even wrote out a list of "rules" or boundaries. And, true enough, having rules didn't eliminate lust...we struggled with this throughout up until our wedding day.
We managed to abstain from kissing, and by God's grace didn't engage in intercourse of any kind...but there were lines that were crossed. And guilt that followed, especially for me. I felt like a hypocrite when his brother, who is a pastor, congratulated us for waiting. Yes, technically we were virgins and still "pure", but we had fallen so short of the spirit of the concept.
Of course, this went back much father than setting rules. I had very poor self-worth, and had trouble setting and enforcing my personal physical boundaries. He was and is a wonderful guy, who stood with me when my family was falling apart (that's another story), who had the same struggles as all other men...and truly tried his best to follow rules in his strength.
Both of us failed in walking in surrender to the Spirit, because I was trying to follow the rules, but was too scared to stand up for myself (i will never again judge someone who gives in to temptation out of fear of losing the relationship...that fear is very real to those that are unloved and feel unlovely). He was trying to do right with his own resources but burned out, and ended up settling for getting as close to the line as possible without crossing it.
Then I lived with the fear that because of our failures in sticking to the rules, our marriage would be "cursed". I felt like garbage, and still have difficulty reconciling that God's grace is big enough to cover everything, even when I know better but sin anyway.
We've been married for several months now, and by God's grace are growing together and learning to love each other as Christ would have us love. Contrary to the courtship fearmongers, we now find exhilarating joy in our sex life, in spite of the fact that we had a bumpy ride on the way to purity at the altar. I daily ask God to remind of His grace so that I do not ruin what is now His gift and blessing, with my regret and guilt from the past.
Nothing is cut-and-dried as Mr. G. would have us believe. That is why God chose the weak things of this world to make His power manifest. I relate to others' moral struggles with a much more compassionate understanding than I did before I experienced my own failure.
I try not to let guilt poison our beautiful marriage... I'm still learning to live in the awareness of His grace.
LOVE this sentence!
"I mean, according to that verse, the key to not sinning isn’t making rules, it’s walking in the Spirit."
You are so right - why did we not understand this until after we had been Christians for years and years???
I was in ATI for over 10 years and it's just been the past 5 years that I have realized, Oh wow, the Holy Spirit can speak to ME and direct ME personally! Wow, what a revelation!
Your post just made something "click" for me. Last year I was involved in a Bible study through the Epistles. Several (definitely non-ATI) ladies in my group spoke of how, through this study they had learned that Paul was not as rigid and mean as they had seen him in the past, but more like a father caring for his children.
I did not relate. I had never seen Paul as a harsh or rigid guy. But now I realize that is because of ATI. Paul was a virtual puppy dog compared to the rules and regulations I had been brought up around.
Thank you. Wonderful post.