Callousness Sometimes Won
The leadership at Advanced Training Institute (ATI) training centers could be incredibly insensitive in dealing with personal tragedies and misfortunes. Especially if those situations affected, in any way, the performance of one’s duties at the training center. Sometimes, just the fear that leadership would misunderstand or react insensitively to a situation could lead students to hide their pain or difficulty. Following are some memories that former training center staffers shared of situations where insensitivity, or the fear of it, made a bad situation even worse.
Unspecified Location. One thing that happened during my time of service with the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP) made me so angry that I wanted to walk out. My 24-year-old best friend was killed in a car accident. Mr. Gothard told me that the accident had happened because she was living in sin. I was outraged. I had talked to her that night at 10:00. She died at 10:20, on her way home from work. She was not living in sin! She had decided that she should get a job and a place of her own. Her parents disagreed — they wanted her to live at home and wait for a mate.
What made the situation even harder to deal with was when the leadership told me that I was not allowed to attend her funeral. To this day, I regret that I did not disobey and drive myself to her funeral. I miss my friend so much, and being able to attend her funeral services would have helped me find some closure. Of all the things that I have had to deal with in leaving IBLP’s teachings, this was possibly the hardest thing that I have had to get over. — SM
Unspecified Location. I hurt my back and was treated like it was all in my head. I didn’t have insurance at the time and prolotherapy (injecting sugar water into the inflamed area so it will heal) was the only option I was offered. I should have seen a chiropractor. The original reason for the injury (not allowing guys to help us move furniture because they were “too busy” or they weren’t allowed to be with us) was never addressed, and I was treated like the villain and asked to leave because I couldn’t do the job. — LA
Moscow, Russia. During my time at the MTC, I got sick more and more often as a result of the physical, emotional, and spiritual stress I was experiencing. One particular time, when I had been sick in my room for a few days, one of the leaders (who was also a nurse) came to talk to me. I really want to give her the benefit of the doubt. She was usually one of the few leaders I saw as being more gracious and loving. But in this case, what she said to me left me cold and fearful. She said, “If you keep getting sick like this, we might just have to send you home.” I really wish she had clarified that they were concerned about my health, but at the time, it felt very much like a threat to me. After that, I worked through many sicknesses when I should have been in bed. — KG
Indianapolis, IN. When I was at the Indianapolis Training Center (ITC), the son of some close friends of my family died in a tragic mountain hiking accident. I took the rest of the day off “sick,” but was to scared to tell anyone but my roommate the reason that I was missing chores and meals. I was afraid I would be reprimanded because this friend was a boy (about four years younger than me). I was sure that the leadership would think that I must have an unhealthy soul-tie with him, if I felt such pain over the loss that it made me sick. I don’t think I told my roommate that my friend was a boy, either. — MW
Flint, MI. When I was in Flint, no one in leadership knew about the troubles in my family life and why I was “really” at the Training Center [an abusive home situation]. I remember about midway through my three years there, I was in the director’s office trying to explain to him about a situation at home, in hopes that he would have sympathy and help. Instead, I found only glazed-over eyes and the red-textbook answer of submission and trying to find the good in my step-father’s way of handling things. My frustration surfaced and I left his office in tears. It wasn’t until later, at the end of my time there when my mother and siblings left home and fled for safety that I saw the realization hit him of what I had tried to tell him. Sometimes I wonder if things would have turned out differently if we had gotten help earlier. — ES
Verity. Just before attending Verity, I was involved in a bad car accident with two friends. I had to leave my friend D in ICU, on life support, and fighting for his life with massive brain and other, possibly fatal, injuries. Obviously, this was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to deal with, and D was the subject of most of my thoughts and conversations, including my symposium speech. Rather than supporting me and coming alongside to help me get through this traumatic experience, I was called into the director’s office numerous times and accused of being “romantically involved” with D. I cannot begin to describe how offensive this was, and still is, to me. I was shocked at the heartlessness of the leadership in this situation. All they cared about was that this friend of mine was of the opposite gender, and the only explanation that they could see for my being so distraught was that we were having an “inappropriate relationship.” Never mind the fact that D’s family was having discussions about taking him off life support and possibly ending his suffering. This was the first of many run-ins with the leadership that caused me to leave Verity early, and it was the catalyst to my family’s “seeing the light,” ultimately causing us to leave ATI/IBLP. — HS
Indianapolis, IN. My roommate got in trouble with Mrs. M for being sick. She had fasted for three days over the weekend and went back to work full time in the ITC. It was too much. She was weak from the fast, still sick, and needed help. Mrs. M told her there was “no reason” for her illness. We both sat there in shock after she left the room. Tears began rolling down my roommate’s face. I felt terrible and didn’t know what to say. I went over and put my arm around her, got the real story, and went to other leadership. Mr. Gothard visited shortly thereafter, and he took her off to Headquarters to see a doctor.
Oak Brook, IL. After we found out about Josh Lamb’s tragic death and Mr. Gothard saw me with a pile of tissues on my desk, he asked me if I wanted to go to the funeral. I responded very emphatically that we had grown up in the same homeschool group together and yes, I was definitely going. He said okay. But I know of several others who wanted very much to go and weren’t allowed to. — JT
Oak Brook, IL. I clearly remember that I was planning to drive from the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP) headquarters with a few friends to Josh Lamb’s funeral in Kansas. Mr. Gothard then announced that no one could go without his permission, as IBLP was going to provide one 15-passenger van that would drive down and come right back. Only the people who could fit in that one van would be allowed to go. I understand that since everyone at IBLP headquarters knew Josh and the funeral was out of state, Mr. Gothard may have been trying to avoid the headquarters complex being shut down for several days. But since Josh’s entire family was on staff at headquarters at the time, it seems that Mr. Gothard could have at least evaluated people’s desire to go on a case-by-case basis, or provided more than one van since some people who really wanted to be there were not able to go. I’m sure it’s a little hard for leadership to know how to respond with a tragedy like that, but it all seemed a little weird. — AR
Oak Brook, IL. [Josh Lamb’s death] was the only time I recall that I confronted Mr. Gothard with my disagreement. He started saying some off-the-wall things about Josh after all of us heard of his death. [Things like Josh] not having been under his parents’ authority, that he was being inappropriate with a girl, and even more ridiculous speculations made at a staff meeting at the IBLP staff center. [It was as if] he had to explain everything, so he was making things up. I was in the van-load that traveled to the funeral, but I have a different take on Gothard’s level of graciousness about granting permission for that. I think he did what he had to so that he would not look bad. I think that, because he did not stop saying these hurtful things about Josh until I very bluntly confronted him about it. I wasn’t rude, but I was very upset about [what I considered to be] slander and I’m sure it showed. I was actually reading through the book of Job when Josh died, and what hit me was a verse about bad things happening to everyone alike. That verse and my feelings about it were why I felt as strongly as I did when Mr. Gothard started badmouthing Josh. Especially because he came across as being more interested in being “right” and making our dead friend “wrong” than he seemed to care about the fact that someone — a person — had died. It was totally in bad taste! — RS
July 31, 2024
These anecdotes are so sad. And its hard to wonder whether these leaders had ever read this passage in Matthew 9:13:
"But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.' For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners."
In my experience empathy is always a much better testimony for the Lord than is piety.
In conversations with an old friend who was influenced by Bill Gothard's teaching, I disclosed that I had experienced some real health challenges over the last few years. He inquired about it and I began to list them. He wanted to know specifically what they were. At first I thought he was genuinely interested. I quickly could tell by his attitude that he seemed to be calculating in his head what my illnesses meant, or perhaps if I were looking for attention or something. I quit talking and moved on in conversation with someone else.
Charlote, from what I understand, IBLP has gotten into the theory that ailments can be traced to some root sin. He may have been trying to "diagnose" what sin brought you such challenges.
Oh yes I wouldn't be shocked to know he was doing that at all. The person's mother sent me some information from a church in GA that links diseases with specific sins. Parkinson's is listed amoung others. My father has Parkinson"s and so I rejected their invitation for more info. or to approach my parents about it. I am sure that my life gives them lost of fuel to think of all the reasons I am reaping some (genetic!) health issues. I thanked them for their concern and prayer. I expressed that we were not interested. That we did not find it to be sound theology in the least bit; but in fact dangerous.
Wasn't it in the book of John that Jesus stated that neither the blind man nor his parents had sinned?
Charlote, I am sorry that your friend was so unsympathetic. I was quite upset when hearing at a HQ staff meeting that all scoliosis was a result of demon possession, especially since my mom and 2 sisters had been treated for this, by the way, hereditary problem. Hope you are feeling better and God's grace is carrying you through the tough days!
Just wanted to share some personal testimony in reference to the church in GA that you mentioned. I have been to this church myself & through their encouragement & teaching I have come out of & am receiving healing from an abusive marriage. I am walking in the freedom of knowing God loves me for who I am- who He made me to be, not someone else's idea of who I should be or what kind of abuse I should "submit" to. Also that He cares very much about my freedom from the lies & influence of the deceiver. At Be In Health (GA), they have done extensive research in how our minds/thoughts are connected with our physical health & spiritual freedom but this is not intended to be formulaic or legalistic in any way. I have never felt like they were trying to form me into their mold or saying, this is the way & this is where you need to be. I feel like the most powerful truths can be distorted & abused. I'm guessing this is what has happened in the Gothard teachings as has happened in a lot of churches. I'm not very familiar with Gothard material but I have paged through the book on restoring relationships & I say "paged" because it certainly wasn't engaging... All this to say that I am not attempting to change your mind but to share my experience on something that may be different than what it first appeared. My heart aches for anyone who has suffered any kind of abuse & I pray that they can find the freedom & healing our Father has for them & I have confidence in His ability to lead each to this & that there is no "one way" except through Jesus Christ! Each journey is unique, therefore the way to freedom & healing is unique.
Blessings!
Ryan makes such a great statement in the first comment. Empathy naturally tends to be sorely lacking in legalistic systems. I think it is sometimes almost a badge of honor in such systems to be unmoved by someone's pain because in a rules-based system pain is usually attributed to the person's sin (like Job's comforters), making it more "godly" or "righteous" to stand off and be unmoved and therefore not condone the person's assumed sins. Easy answers and pat answers are more than bad habits, they are the oxygen such systems require for life.
This makes sense because the snake oil being sold is a formula that promises answers and success. If uncontrolled pain happens then either the system does not work as advertised or else the person didn't do the system right. The more that one is invested in the system, the more important it is to blame people who are suffering and protect the system's reputation. Which brings us back to the rules and the organization being more important than people, which is part of the same stuff about the Pharisees that provoked Jesus.
It reveals a special kind of strength to be able to show empathy; the lack of empathy is a poverty. And in that sense, the Institute has long suffered a deep poverty.
"in a rules-based system pain is usually attributed to the person's sin (like Job's comforters), making it more "godly" or "righteous" to stand off and be unmoved and therefore not condone the person's assumed sins."
That whole concept flies in the face of the example set by Jesus associating with tax collectors, prostitutes and other sinners.
I'm reminded of Francis Schaeffer's insight:
"Biblical orthodoxy without compassion is surely the ugliest thing in the world."
I might add that legalism without compassion is equally ugly.
As I read these stories, I was repeatedly reminded of 1 Corinthians 13:2-3, which says, "Even if I have the gift of prophecy and understand all mysteries and have the most arcane knowledge, and even if I have all faith, so that I could move mountains -- if I don't have love, I am nothing. And even if I give everything I have to fed the poor, or sacrifice my body as a burnt offering --- if I don't have love, then my good works profit me nothing."
I don't think that God is impressed by any number of personal holinesses if they are accompanied by a lack of compassion. Jesus cried when his friend Lazarus died. He wept over the rich young ruler who couldn't leave his stuff behind. He yearned over Jerusalem and her troubled people. His compassion for people as He walked the length and breadth of His land --- as He healed bodies, minds, and souls --- was the most alluring thing about Him.
And it was the ONE THING that He said would be the distinguishing mark of His people: "All people will know that you are My followers by the LOVE that you show for one another." (John 13:35) For many, many people, IBLP and ATI failed that test. (Though they are NOT the only Christian group that has done so.)
In the fall of 1996, while in the first few months of my service phase of EQUIP I, my four year old brother was run over by my parents station wagon. I was notified that he was in the hospital, and of course I was frantic to get home! I somehow worked out a ride back to Alabama, and then I went to see the ITI director. I was literally shocked speechless when he calmly looked over his desk and told me I could not go home! He stated that the first break I could get was over the Thanksgiving holidays, and that I would have to wait until then to see my family. I walked out of his office blown away. Luckily, my brother made a full recovery within a short period of time, and my family drove up to see me.
Words fail me . . .
I remember you talking about that in the office at HQ, Jeremy. It upset me then and still does now - what was he thinking? The idea that he was fooled into thinking that was ok is heartbreaking. Still smiling when I think of the miracle God did for your brother :-)
Jeremy, I remember you from Equip. That is *terrible* that a supposedly family-centered training program would not allow you to go home and be with your family during one of their darkest moments. That is completely inexcusable. No other Christian ministry would dream of doing that to a youth who had experienced a family crisis at home. It makes me so mad to think about it! There were SO many people at our training center, there were plenty of people who could have stepped up as your replacement while you were gone.
Terrible! But I can definitely see it happening at a TC. But how can they even force you to stay, honestly?
I am so glad you all are speaking out now. This should not go on. My daughter went to Equip in 1999. I don't know what I would have done if something like what happened to Jeremy had happened in our family.
It is so good that you are speaking out. My husband was a funeral director and his best friend died when my husband was having his apprenticeship. The business my husband worked for would not let my husband go to his best friend's funeral. I searched and found the man's daughter and got her permission to visit Dwight. We drove all night from VA to WI to say "goodbye", and I am so glad we did. Yes, when Lazurus died, Jesus wept, and God knows every tear that we cry. He is kind and He is LOVE and Jesus proved that in his life among humankind. It is a gross perversion if we, as Christians, do not show the same love.
When I was 11 years old I developed trichotillomania, a disorder that has two forms. One is more like an OCD and the other more like a tic. At any rate the person pulls out their own hair. At first only my eyebrows and eyelashes were affected but then when I turned 13 I started pulling from my scalp. When I was 14 I was completely bald. Sometime during the middle stage of this my aunt, who was heavily involved in IBLP though not officially ATI, called headquarters to see what to do about my situation. My mom and my aunt were both single parents and had resolved to raise my cousin and I together. I had to answer to my aunt like I did my own mother. My grandfather was a stand-in for the father I never had (I was adopted.)
I had been somewhat developmentally delayed and had not learned how to do anything with my hair. When I was thirteen, I was overjoyed by the fact that I had finally learned how to french braid my own hair, though I had been doing it on dolls for some time.
At any rate, they informed her that I developed the condition due to my "pride" based on one bible passage:
Isaiah 3:16-24
16 Moreover, the LORD said, "Because the daughters of Zion are proud And walk with heads held high and seductive eyes, And go along with mincing steps And tinkle the bangles on their feet, 17 Therefore the Lord will afflict the scalp of the daughters of Zion with scabs, And the LORD will make their foreheads bare." 18 In that day the Lord will take away the beauty of their anklets, headbands, crescent ornaments, 19 dangling earrings, bracelets, veils, 20 headdresses, ankle chains, sashes, perfume boxes, amulets, 21 finger rings, nose rings, 22 festal robes, outer tunics, cloaks, money purses, 23 hand mirrors, undergarments, turbans and veils. 24 Now it will come about that instead of sweet perfume there will be putrefaction ; Instead of a belt, a rope ; Instead of well-set hair, a plucked-out scalp ; Instead of fine clothes, a donning of sackcloth ; And branding instead of beauty.
So, they said that I should not be allowed anything with which to hide my baldness, that my shame should be exposed because God was punishing me for my pride. So for years, I was taken to church(and anywhere else I was allowed to go) completely bald, or else with patchy growth here and there. I was unable to leave my family except by becoming homeless three years ago, at the age of 27. They had taken to locking me in my room and feeding me through a cat flap. I still have the Trichotillomania.
Oh! I am so sorry! I will pray for you.
Dearest J.A.,
I feel so sorry for you!! I've had the same thing! At the age of 4 I pulled out my own hair but somehow managed to stop by the age of 6. But when I was 10, I started plucking out my eyelashes:(( The entire school has been making fun of me.