Journal Entry, September 2009–

“I want more!! I really thought I could be happy with this life…but I was wrong. I feel like I’m going to explode. This isn’t me– *sigh* I don’t think it is, anyway. The sad part is, I don’t really know who “me” is…but it’s not this person, I’m sure of that. I feel like a stranger in my own body. My physical self walks, talks, looks, and acts like I’m suppose to, but my insides are screaming “what are you doing??!” There’s more to life than this, whatever “this” is. There has to be. We’re supposed to be happy. I’m not. We’re supposed to be fulfilled. Definitely not. We’re supposed to be a lot of things…but the only thing I feel is…fake.”

I remember writing this one night after being frustrated with life in general, but specifically with my parents (Sorry Dad and Mom!). I had big plans about where I wanted to go in life and what I wanted to do, I had myself all worked up into a ball of excitement, which I carelessly let spill out in conversation one night with Dad and Mom. I walked away from the conversation angry, discouraged, and crushed… which wasn’t too uncommon whenever we had discussions about the various things I wanted to pursue. Mistake one: having a dream that didn’t fit into the mold previously set forth for me as a Christian girl. Mistake two: admitting that such a dream existed in my head and heart. (Darn that evil heart of mine with it’s ungodly dreams!) Mistake three: thinking it’s okay to have such thoughts and desires. Mistake four: daring to think I was capable of more than dishes and birthing children. Mistake five: thinking at all. Mistake six: having that dreaded “independent spirit,” which inevitably leads to the ultimate mistake: utter rebellion.

Now, if you weren’t raised the way I was raised and you aren’t familiar with its “uniqueness,” then you are probably either 1) a little lost right now, 2) clicking the back button on your Internet to read something that actually makes sense to you, or 3) laughing hysterically at the large amount of ridiculousness in the above paragraph.

Because it would take far too long to explain, and I really don’t care to spend the time or energy thinking through the best ways to describe the issues from my past, I’ll keep it simple. I think that through various circumstances and because of various influential people in my life, I was led down a road of lies, bondage, legalism, and false views of God. On my journey down this road I started to become someone at a very young age that I was never created to be. I started letting parts of my core design (parts I was really too young to even fully understand yet, a design that God Himself created with His very hands for a purpose) slip away from me in hopes of becoming who I thought I supposed to be: Obedient. Calm. Quiet. Subdued. Meek. Mature. Lady-like. Easy-going. Opinion-less. Submissive. A follower. For those who know me well, you probably chuckled at some of those. While the things I listed can all be good things, the fact is that most of them just aren’t who I am. However, I thought that if I did become all these things and less my true self, life would be “easier” and less complicated, not only for me, but for those around me as well. My parents wouldn’t be upset or disappointed in me–perhaps they would even love me MORE, my Pastor and church leaders would think highly of not only me, but my parents and their achievement in raising “godly children,” other adults wouldn’t frown upon my “unruliness,” but would instead want their own children to model my impeccable character. We would have a greater ministry as a family, lost people would see me at Wal-mart in my long skirt and fall on their faces in repentance because of my outstanding example of Christ Himself, and last but not least, I wouldn’t constantly be getting in trouble for being “bad”! (Quite a bit of pressure for an 8-year-old, wouldn’t you say?)

Now before I go on, let me say that I am in no way angry or bitter toward my parents for the way they raised me or the things they taught me. They were being fed the same lies I was, and it was with the purest of intentions and motives that they led our family down this road. They’ve shared this journey of discovering truth and grace with me and God has brought our family through much searching, learning, baggage sifting, pain, joy, victory, freedom, and healing.

My thought during my childhood and early teens, was that maybe if I simplified my emotions and my feelings, threw out my opinions, changed my passions, my goals, dreams, and desires, maybe if I were the model Christian girl I should be, then things wouldn’t be so intense and difficult, people wouldn’t look at me and shake their heads in disapproval. Maybe I wouldn’t get lectured about my outgoing nature, my vivaciousness, my “loudness” (both in volume and personality), my stubbornness, my use of expression, adjectives, punctuation (Yes, I got lectured for using too many exclamation points, and no, I’m not kidding!), my flair (and love) for dramatics, or my spunk and sassiness. Maybe I wouldn’t get another letter in the mail from someone I thought was one of my closest friends, criticizing everything about my personality and who I was, judging my heart and my motives, accusing me of some pretty heavy stuff, and condemning me for not fitting into THEIR idea of who I should be. Perhaps, I should just be like everyone else. Perhaps I would make it easier for God to direct me and mold me if I subdued myself and forced myself into that little box–you know, the one that people with too much time on their hands and too much self-righteousness have created and entitled, “What a Godly Christian Female is supposed to look, sound, act, and smell like”? Yeah, that one. Maybe God would do more through me if I weren’t so very individualistic, if I weren’t so stubborn about being…well, myself. Perhaps if I weren’t just so uniquely…ME.

So, I tried–really hard–and it started working. I was happy; for brief moments anyway. And then the moment would end, and after a while I began to realize something. Other people might be pleased with who I was becoming, but inwardly, I was very unhappy. I felt empty and lifeless. I felt less and less myself, and soon I didn’t know who I was anymore. I felt as though I were slowly slipping into a deep, dark, lonely pit. As time passed I found myself saying things that I didn’t really mean, letting people walk all over me because I didn’t want to disappoint them, reacting in ways that didn’t feel natural, stuffing every single emotion I thought might be considered “ungodly.” And what on earth for? So I could be perceived as “good,” “godly,” “spiritual”? So people would “approve” of me? So people would “love” me? To make people “happy”? My motivation for living this way wasn’t because I felt convicted that I wasn’t being who God wanted me to be. I honestly didn’t know for sure who God wanted me to be. As a matter of fact, I never really consulted God on my behavior, because after all, He didn’t matter. What mattered was what everyone else thought, and how everyone else perceived me. And people were always quick to tell me who God wanted me to be, so I didn’t really need to hear it from Him.

So what had happened? How had I, a Christian, pushed God so far out that I didn’t even feel the need for a personal relationship with Him? I’ll tell you what had happened. I had allowed the opinion of people to outweigh the opinion of Jesus Christ. I had let the approval of people become more important to me than the approval of Jesus Christ. I didn’t understand who I was in Christ, I didn’t view myself as automatically approved by Him because of the blood of His Son. I didn’t understand that I am fully and completely, without a shadow of doubt, always and forever accepted by Him. I am a child of the Living God, and you know what? Because I am covered by the blood of Jesus and 100% righteous in Him, it absolutely does not matter what ANYONE on this planet thinks of me or thinks I should or should not be. God did not create us to be robots. He certainly did not create us to be cookie cutters of one another–human beings that are supposed to look, act, talk, dress, and be just alike. Our Father loves variety. Look around you! Isn’t this point obvious? Are all the trees the same? Are all the flowers the same? Snowflakes? Absolutely not. And look at the variety in animals. Is each designed to do the same thing, created for the same purpose? Does each fulfill its purpose by living the exact same way? No! Each is different and unique: individual. Just because someone is different or has different “convictions” does NOT mean they’re wrong and you are right. It simply means they’re different and God is working in them differently than He is in you.

I’ve learned something this past year that many I know would disagree with. I’ve learned that while there are things in God’s Word that are completely black and white and there is no getting around it, there is a whole lot of grey. And you want to know something? Most of life is lived in the grey. God doesn’t list out every single detail of every single thing for us to do or say. He doesn’t write 1,395 basic principles and steps for us to follow in order to be godly, righteous, accepted, approved, holy, and happy. He doesn’t wish to micromanage our lives. That is not Who God is. And do you know why that is? Because what would be the point? Is there beauty in love that is forced? Is there satisfaction and fulfillment in a relationship that involves no willingness or desire to be in it? If God laid everything out for us, detail by detail, black and white, with no margin for grey, what would be the purpose of freedom, love, relationship, and grace? Our focus would never be on loving Him with all our heart, soul and mind. It would never be on searching out His will for me. It would never be on knowing Him more and more. It would never be on communicating with Him to find the specific and unique answers and guidance we need in order to fulfill our specific and unique, individual purpose on this journey we call life. Ask anyone who has come out of a life of legalism with rules, regulations, and striving to make everything in life either black or white with no room for error. Your focus shifts to the procedure and the principle rather than to the Person of Jesus Christ, and your relationship with Him and your love for Him will suffer whether you know it or not.

You might be completely disagreeing with me or you might be shouting “Amen.” Either way I’m just going to say it: Legalism, and all the judgment and condemnation that accompany legalism, almost destroyed me. Legalism empowers people to be “above” those they feel have “lower standards.” Legalism gives people the “right” to call themselves the elite, or the “cream of the crop” as we were so often referred to. Legalism creates and promotes condemnation and arrogance, and pushes genuine love for others right out of the picture. Do Legalists feel pity? Certainly they do, but pity is a far cry from genuine love which we are commanded in Scripture to have for other people. And do you see a stipulation for that love given in Scripture? Such as, love others as long as their standards are the same as yours, their skirt touches the ground, they only listen to hymns, and read KJV only? I think not. God has commanded us to LOVE OTHERS. Period. Whether they meet your standard of righteousness is not your concern. It’s God’s standard you should be concerned about, and the last time I checked, God didn’t specify every tiny detail of how we are to live our lives. It is wrong for anyone to take a personal conviction and force it on someone else–especially when they can find nothing in Scripture to back it. I’m shocked at how many people live in such bondage to rules and regulations and when pressed, cannot give me an answer from Scripture that supports that standard. Can they find someone in leadership somewhere that supports/backs and teaches it ? Definitely. But God’s Word? Ummmmm… God has given us a responsibility to be who HE created us to be; nothing more and nothing less. There is a reason He made me the person I am and gave me the personality He did. I’m not completely sure yet why He did, and maybe I never will be this side of Heaven, but I know one thing: I won’t sacrifice that person anymore for the sake of someone else’s acceptance, happiness, or opinion. I’m going to continue the journey of finding that person I lost, and embrace her and all that comes with her. The passion, the fire, the opinions, the dreams too big for anyone but God, the love for life and people of all kinds, the love for the dramatic, the expression, the emotion, the firm beliefs and the fearless expression of those beliefs, and the happiness that can only result in simply being the ME that GOD created.

Please know that this was not written to stir up debate. I’ve been writing this for the last year because it helps in my journey and process to express what I’m feeling and thinking. Take it for what it is: something from my heart. Not an attack, not a fight, not a debate.