“Joseph, I wouldn’t be surprised if God caused the plane to crash
in order to punish you for not honoring your mother.”
That’s what my mother said to me in the summer of 2002. I was 25 years old and it was the night before 4 of my friends and myself were to board a plane to Uganda and spend the better part of a month in the borderlands between the Congo and Uganda’s Kasese district. This was to be a mission trip in which we would play brass quintet music for rural Ugandans in mountainside villages and partner with local pastors who would preach. There would be no running water, no electricity, no telephone, no modern conveniences.
As far as evangelicals go, this is standard stuff. Identify your talent, take it to a country less fortunate than you, insert the gospel.
How then could anyone be that upset with their son on the night before he left for such a mission trip? Let alone why would a mother bid her son farewell with such tragic words? Perhaps the bigger question is, “Why is a grown man of 25 years of age afraid to make decisions for himself?”
I forgot to mention that I was afraid.
Bill Gothard’s teachings prepare a parent to put pre-approved options in front of their children and allow the children to choose from those options. The idea is that the child will feel as if he/she is making an independent choice, and the parents will enjoy the safety of knowing their child can’t make a bad choice since they’ve approved all the options.
This works in theory, but lived out in everyday life, it is inevitable before the child, at some point, will realize that there are options outside of what their parents gave them. Healthy child-rearing prepares a child to weigh the good and the bad of each option and to choose the best option. Healthy child-rearing teaches parents to share in the joy when their child makes good choices, and to support them when they make a bad choice. Bill Gothard teaches parents to share in the joy of a good choice, but to shun, excommunicate, punish, demoralize, and emasculate the child when they make a bad choice. That child can be 5-years-old or 25-years-old. Bill Gothard charges parents with ultimate authority over their children even before they are born. Bill Gothard never shares an end date for that authority.
The set up for this story goes something like this:
I was raised in the South suburbs of Chicago. My mother was a graduate of the Moody Bible Institute and in my early 20s, my grandparents offered to pay for my college education if I also attended Moody. I jumped at the chance. This was my ticket out–out of the Gothard-stranglehold-rules that created a vicious cycle of “live at home until you’re married; don’t take out a loan; you can’t buy a car because loans are bad; you can’t get a decent job because you have no car; you can’t go to college because loans are bad; you still live in my house so you have to obey my rules even though you’re 22; God has put me in your life to be your authority….”
It’s a vicious cycle.
The 20-mile buffer between the suburbs and Moody’s downtown Chicago campus created much needed breathing room for me. I didn’t have to tuck in my shirt. I didn’t have a curfew. I could grow my hair long. I could try and learn to be my own person. For many people, Moody is a quirky school with strict rules. For me it was as if I was leaving North Korea for China. I could even watch TV at Moody!
One summer, instead of going home, I decided to get a temporary apartment with my best friend downtown. I was taking summer classes, I had a job downtown, and it was really a no-brainer of a decision. Living on your own before you are married, however, is a big faux pas in Gothard circles. My decision further complicated things, because my friend and I would be sharing the rent with two sisters, whom we knew through Moody, and splitting the apartment. The perfect storm was brewing.
For the last eight years, I had been taking small steps to separate myself from my mother’s dictatorial rule. I won some battles and lost some battles, and I knew the risk I was taking. I hadn’t shared the co-ed part with my mom–she was upset enough that I wasn’t coming home. And as to be expected, she was relentless and questioned me on the matter at every turn.
I quit calling home. I returned her calls less.
I knew that if she found out the full co-ed arrangement of the apartment, I might never be allowed back in the house again. I had seen this happen before with my cousins. Challenge–scratch that–defy the family rules, and the family could only save face by disowning you. Gothard families even wore it as a badge of honor. “I have 3 children,” my uncle would say, “and my youngest did not marry the man we approved. She and her husband are not allowed in our house.” This how I learn to live in fear of disobeying my mom. I was brainwashed to really believe that I had no choice. There was an ever-present fear that if I chose something outside her wishes, I would end up destitute and homeless, and would have to come crawling home asking for forgiveness. Bill Gothard teaches on how to ask for forgiveness. It’s humiliating.
My mom got creative and called my friend’s mom and got the full story from her. Sisters and everything. Then she called me and said,
“Joseph, I wouldn’t be surprised if God caused the plane to crash in order to punish you for not honoring your mother.”
This is why I had been afraid. My future was now uncertain. I had three semesters left in school–was I truly now on my own? It’s a 30-hour flight (with layovers) into Uganda. I had plenty of time to think about my situation. Nothing in my upbringing had ever prepared me for independence. On one hand, it was embarrassing. I was 25 and most of my friends from high school were married, starting careers, going to grad school. On the other hand, I wished I didn’t have to become independent so soon. So soon? I was 25 years old!
Epilogue:
When we returned to Chicago, my mom was there to greet me at the airport. We never discussed the matter. Six months later, when I decided that I wanted to marry my girlfriend, I would sit my mom down to tell her “I would like you to be part of our life. You can play by our rules and be part of our lives, or you can hold on to your rules, and we will leave you out of our lives entirely. ”
Joe contributes to RG because he wants to warn others about BG. He and his mother enjoy a great friendship. She lives in Chicago and He lives in Atlanta.
As a Mom who raised her kids in ATI and has been recovering from Bill's heresies for about 9 years now, I honestly have to say that I have mixed feelings about your article. There is a lot of truth in what your shared. I do not believe your Mom should have been making all of your decisions for you. You were an adult and should have been treated as one.
I have to be honest though. I do not think it is a good idea for men and women to live together even if it is just to share rent. I know this is not what the heart of the article is about and therefore that's all I will say about it.
I'm glad that you and your Mom have a good relationship now.
Wow, Joe... Do we have the same mom? Thank you for sharing your story.
And fwiw, Tammy, I have known some very commited Christian young people who have shared co-ed apartments. They were never romantically involved and the arrangement was purely platonic. Although I get where you are coming from, it was never something I would have felt comfortable in, either. Although, if I'd had such an option, I think I would have considered it, if it would have enabled to leave a very controlling home life.
Thanks so much for sharing this Joe. I think you touch on something that is huge and not commonly discussed - how ATI and it's Authority teachings emasculated sons. While Fathers were the authorities (or in their absence the Mother) - a son somehow never reached that golden age because he was always that...a son...needing to obey his authority. Instead of encouraging guys to grow up, seek God on their own and move on with their lives they were beaten down, taught to obey their parents regardless of age and to second guess what they believed God telling them to do in favor of gaining their parents approval. THANK YOU for being vulnerable and sharing your story!
I grew up in the south Chicago suburbs. As a late teen, early 20-something (circa 1992-2001), I was downtown at Second City nearly every day, so I know the Moody area very well. Heck, I used to go to Second Saturday concerts every month in high school! It's a nice area, albeit expensive. Too bad the worry your mom had wasn't about the cost of living there. That seems to be the only *real* threat of the area.
They let you have long hair? The boys I knew that attended Moody weren't allowed long hair. They also weren't allowed to attend until they had been married for a full year, if they got married.
As far as co-ed roommates, my mom was all against it too and she wasn't a Gothard follower (but she was a Dobson follower). I was so completely hurt that she made a point to me that I was "living in sin" when I moved in with my boyfriend at age 22, and we also had another male roommate. What would everyone think? I didn't care! I was out of her clutches and if my boyfriend hadn't let me move in I would've literally been homeless (long story short, my mom was a hoarder who had health problems and nearly died, when the paramedics came to get her they called the police and her condo was condemned). She would've honestly rather seen me homeless.
I married that man. Five years later he died.
I got another male roommate and we did become romantically involved, again to my mother's dismay and I was age 30 at the time. A year later, we had a child also "out of wedlock" (I hate that term). Five years later we got married and we're expecting child #2 in a week.
I'd do it all over again!
Gothard creates a culture of obedience driven by fear rather than a culture of obedience based on love. It sounds as though BG taught parents to use the same motivator to control their children. Parenting out of fear sends such a strong message to children that the parents don't trust them to use good judgement or self-control, and that they you don't trust the Lord to love and protect them better than they can. Learning from mistakes is what brings spiritual growth and discernment. As a parent I understand how difficult it is to let your children suffer the natural consequences of poor choices, but that is what spiritual authority is really about! God gives us free will, and and all grown adults should be given this freedom to make decisions that are pleasing to God, based on love and trust in God as their ultimate authority! Does Bill Gothard truly teach that a 25-year-old man is still under the authority of his parents? Is getting married the only way to leave his home?
Yes, Bill Gothard does really teach that a 25-year-old man is still under the authority of his parents. My boyfriend decided to join the military. Because his parents were against it, my father told him that he was in rebellion, and he told me he was concerned about the danger of allowing me to be in a relationship with someone out from under the protection of his God-given authority. And my boyfriend was 26 years old.
These statements left both of us realizing that we were not considered adults. My parents did not trust us to pray and make a decision under the Lord's direction. It was a new concept to my parents when I asked if they would be willing to allow us to experience the consequences - good or bad - of our decisions.
"Parenting out of fear sends such a strong message to children that the parents don't trust them to use good judgement or self-control, and that they you don't trust the Lord to love and protect them better than they can" -- so very well-said. I find it incredibly ironic that a system that purports to be so biblical and whose adherents often feel they are closer to God than anyone else actually is a system in which God is NOT trusted and the work of the Holy Spirit in someone's life is not as important as that person mindlessly obeying their human authority.
The story of Abraham and Isaac was always used to show that children should submit to their parents, even when they reached adulthood... after all Isaac was 21 (according to their teaching) when Abraham placed him on the altar as a sacrifice. We were constantly reminded to Honor our father and mother so that we might have a long and blessed life. After all that was the first commandment with a promise. According to all of the teachings a man should remain under his parents authority until he was ready to take over as the head of his own house. As a girl I was expected to stay at home and prepare for the day when I would get married. I remember feeling guilty at times because I didn't have a lot of things in my hopechest. I finally got to the point where I realized that I was the one who had to take responsibility for my life, because I was the one who had to live it. I was 20 when I got up the guts to tell my parents that I was an adult now and I was ready to take the consequences of my decisions.
I can remember this fear like it was yesterday. I was taught that when something bad happened, it was because I was "out from under authority". I will never forget being called at work when I was 24 years old and being told that our family dog had gotten hit and killed on the road. I was told that God lets these things happen because of me being out from under authority. My Mom has wondered why I haven't told my boys memories about our family dog, but it's too painful to talk about that dog to them. I felt for years like I was to blame. I could tell so many other examples of stories like these, but will stop here. My parents are no longer with ATIA at all. We are very close now, but as so many have said on here before, there are scars of the past that cannot be erased. This story just hit so close to home because it was the EXACT mindset of our home - even with me living on my own at 25 years old.
I can relate to your story. My mom would use that line on me anytime that something bad would happen to me if I didn't obey or honor her. I got to the point that I believed God was out to get me for every sin I did against my parents, that to this day I struggle with my relationship with him, as he was used as a tool for manipulation and fear to get me to do things there way.
And, such is the fruit of the "umbrella" teaching! ^^
Great article. Thank you for putting into words what many of us wish we were able to express. My story is similar, of course, as all of our stories are :)
In theology, we often refer to this mindset of "God is gonna get you" as *retribution* -- the punishment of God that is considered to be morally right and fully deserved. Neo-fundamentalists like John Piper aren't a far cry from fundamentalists like Gothard on this one. Piper writes about the "fingers of God" in the tornadoes currently reeking havoc in rural America... more abusive hermeneutics and further depiction of God as an overbearing moral monster (see Piper's article http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/fierce-tornadoes-and-the-fingers-of-god).
I suggest reading Bo Sanders response to Piper and see what parallel application you can draw to Gothard's teaching (http://homebrewedchristianity.com/2012/03/05/is-it-tough-to-blame-john-piper-for-his-tornado-theology/). Gothard's retribution teachings are hurtful. It is unethical to "place this kind of condemnation on people who are really hurting" (as Sanders puts it). The retribution/authority teaching always struck me as being the salt rubbed into my wounds, wounds that are created by the natural process of a young person trying to grow up and make decisions. Whenever a decision of mine led to difficult of any kind, I was immediately reminded that it was a result of being "out from under authority".
A friend in college (yes, I did make it to college!) once interviewed me for a paper on human development and asked the question, "What has been the hardest transition for you as you've transitioned from being home under your parents to away at college and have more independence?"
I saved my response, because it was the first time that I had articulated what it FELT like to be living "in rebellion". This was the answer I gave:
"The hardest part probably is not having people to fall back on when you need help. This is tricky to explain, but I felt as though by moving out I had forfeited my right to support and protection [from my family]. That was scary. I know that I’m never going back now that I’ve left home. It’s not really that I wouldn’t be welcome, but ATI teaches this idea of a parental umbrella and if you move out from under it you are no longer protected. For women, we are supposed to transfer right from the parental umbrella to their husband's umbrella. So where does that leave me? Out in the rain…"
It is time to welcome each other in from the rain. Your story helps us work toward that. Thank you for writing!
"The hardest part probably is not having people to fall back on when you need help. This is tricky to explain, but I felt as though by moving out I had forfeited my right to support and protection [from my family].
Such a true statement Annie! I have struggled with how to explain this concept to people.
'The retribution/authority teaching always struck me as being the salt rubbed into my wounds, wounds that are created by the natural process of a young person trying to grow up and make decisions. Whenever a decision of mine led to difficult of any kind, I was immediately reminded that it was a result of being "out from under authority".'
I fixed that problem when i was a young person, i just did not make any real decisions. The fear of making a wrong decision made me not want to make any decisions and to look for other people to make them for me. (They could take the blame then and I wouldn't be in "trouble" since i was under their advice)I had no reason to trust myself or to seek God trusting Him to speak to me. I did not realize then that making a mistake while learning could be a valuable stepping stone adding valuable experience for a young person (like a baby learning to walk). I was very afraid. This form of umbrella thinking can stunt growth during a crucial time of life. I am glad I was protected from drugs and such, but protection from normal life decisions is another story.
Possibly you've misunderstood Piper's comments. I think he started with "the fierce fingers of God" to get people's attention. By the end of the article, it becomes clear that he is *not* saying that every natural disaster is judgment from God. Rather, he presents 3 possibilities: a case like Job, where there is no explanation visible to humans; a reminder to others to repent (through the warning of judgment; not because that town deserved judgment); and, in fact, judgment.
I appreciate many things written on this website. I just wanted to point out that rejecting false teachings of continuous retribution and guilt trips doesn't mean we should reject that idea that God is just and that he does sometimes judge people in visible ways.
Would anyone else agree with me that God is our shelter from life's storms? and our rock? and our fortress? That's what the Bible says right? So for anyone to claim to be our "umbrella" protecting us from all bad events is pretty pretentious, right? Not to mention a downright lie. We parents aren't God. We are obligated to submit to him as much as our children are! Forget the "umbrella" embrace the Rock/Fortress/Shelter Jesus!
Christy - You are absolutely correct. However, when you're taught the umbrella theory from before you can even read, it's hard to disassociate your beliefs from that, whether you're 3, 6, 9, 12, 22, etc, your relationship with God is based on that of your parents. "if you're parents are happy with you, then God is pleased with you." That is why this site exists: to help those of us who grew up brainwashed.
the joe, love the name!
Your paragraph says so much. There are developmental consequences to being shaped and formed in a system like this. It feels like we have to unwind our DNA and rewind it differently. Back when we were supposed to be learning the rules of how life works, we were learning a set of rules and building a skewed relationship with God that didn't work out so well. Now we have to step back and re-learn.
I think this is part of why many former ATI students have an experience not unlike being a TCK (http://www.amazon.com/Third-Culture-Kids-Growing-Revised/dp/1857885252/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1331228739&sr=8-1 )
Yes Joe this goes back to the teaching of what Obedience is...
Obedience is... "Cheerfully carrying out the directions and wishes of those who are responsible for me."
So basically a parent's wish or whim becomes necessary for obedience. A parent might say I don't think you should engage in anything to do with art as an example. There is nothing Biblically that keeps a child from doing so. But in order to be compliant and obedient a child must not engage in anything to do with art due to the parents WISHES. How messed up is that?
Coupled with the teaching of the "chain of command/chain of counsel" or the "umbrella of protection" this provides for a pretty hostile environment for children to grow up in. My opinion of course.
It is great that you were able to sit down with her about the girlfriend. I know that was the hardest thing for me. When I left home (was kicked out) at age 23, I was still terrified of everything. The world, my parents, being on my own...
It's rough when you are so sheltered and brainwashed into believing everything is evil. Then I had to find out on my own. It was hard. I am sorry that your mom said that about the plane crash. A terrible thing to say.
I am so very lucky that after two years of being "out" I found the perfect guy and we have been happily married for 10 years! He has helped me through much of my hangups that I had with me because of my upbringing.
I do realize that lots of people have rough childhoods. This is definitely one that can be avoided pretty easily. I try very hard to make sure that what I say to my children is in no way a manipulation to get them to simply do what I want, but instead to help them decide for themselves.
Joe, I know you!
"Bill Gothard’s teachings prepare a parent to put pre-approved options in front of their children and allow the children to choose from those options. The idea is that the child will feel as if he/she is making an independent choice, and the parents will enjoy the safety of knowing their child can’t make a bad choice since they’ve approved all the options.
This works in theory, but lived out in everyday life, it is inevitable before the child, at some point, will realize that there are options outside of what their parents gave them. Healthy child-rearing prepares a child to weigh the good and the bad of each option and to choose the best option."
Wow Joe this is very well put. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
MY husband tells a different story having to do with his wonderful sweet loving Baptist parents who told him at age 18 he was old enough to be on his own and get his own apartment(he was working and going to college). They seldom interfered or offered advice or help in his life- (the only thing his mother griped about is that we chose to have cats and not children) but from their loving freedom he thinks they did not love him- He thinks they abandoned him or threw him out!!! So sometimes it does not matter if your parents are godly or gothardly, sometimes a parent cannot win when it comes to raising kids. And I was raised by Catholic Italian parents who kept a very close hold on me, to the point my parents accused me of running away when I got married at age 22 and moved to another state. Actually they were right in a way as my mom was a very hands on, “where are you going when are you coming back it is an evil world out there” parent.