You cannot!

If I had $5 for every time I heard that phrase growing up, I would be very rich. My mom said it when she wanted me to yield to a standard that was set in our home. Mr. Gothard said it when he wanted us to buy into his particular brand of elitist Christianity. Other IBLP staff said it when they wanted us to obey and conform to rules and regulations of community living (my experience was at the ITC in 1995/1996).

Looking back on it now, I think that phrase became a very dysfunctional part of how I view the world. As a 30-something adult, it has been very hard for me to believe that I CAN have a beautiful life, that I CAN have a meaningful career, that I CAN have healthy relationships (even though they don’t fit the mold of what was held up as “biblical”).

Part of me wants to extend grace and consider that the motivation was, if not good, at least not for my harm. In Christian thinking, there is a theme of total surrender, complete abandonment to the will and way of God. Verses like Romans 12:1-2 say that our spiritual service to God includes offering our bodies as living sacrifices. The application of this text was always toward denial; denial of pleasure, denial of goodness, denial of worth. We are nothing without the filling and leading of God, was the lesson. What I internalized was that anything that originated from me was bad or wrong, and if I was bringing forth all this badness, well then clearly I am bad.

In my life, this way of thinking took root and led me into deep shame… not only did I do bad things, but I was bad.  (I know I just said that in the last paragraph, but it bears repeating, so deep has been the wound). Shame has a way of seeping into one’s very core and is very paralyzing. Over the last year, I have been working through the release of core beliefs that have kept me small and feeling powerless. It has affected my body to the point where, for the last four months or so, I have had dry heaves in the morning, sometimes for an hour or two. It feels like years and years of shame and fear are literally being “heaved” out of my body… which is a good thing, and very, very difficult to go through.

One of the authors who most influenced my recovery is Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, author of “Women Who Run With the Wolves.” In her book “Untie the Strong Woman” she states that those who have endured the abuse of identity suppression and theft can regain freedom by listing out those which were denied and then working back, one by one, to reclaim those freedoms and recover a sense of self. This article is another piece in my recovery of myself, of grace, of life, of liberty, of the ability to have and to hold what is mine as a child of God and as a vital member of society.

Others May, You Cannot…

• Go to the movies because you might see something that will lead you into sin.

•  Date and learn how to have healthy relationships because you will end up being sexually immoral.

• Become a flight attendant because people who travel together will end up sleeping together (my mother literally said this to me when I talked about wanting to be a flight attendant).

• Listen to “rock” music because it will lead to demonic influence.

• Have a career because your place is in the home, or in ministry (where you won’t get paid what your worth, because you’re not worth much! Ok, maybe that wasn’t said directly but it was implied).

•  Get a college degree because an education will lead you away from your faith.

• Dress attractively because people will lust after you and that is your fault.

• Have a voice because we know better than you what is good for you. God speaks to you through husband/father/pastor (oh and mother) and if you don’t honor this structure, you will be doomed to failure and a “second best” life.

• Disagree with others opinions because you have to be kind and gracious. Otherwise, how will people know there is anything different about you?

•  Know who you are and what you want in life because God knows better than you and your heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked.

Going back through each of these erroneous beliefs takes time, patience, rest, tears and anger. Learning that I can have my own experience of the Divine, diving into life in the real world that I was not prepared for, and finding my voice is not an easy task. But it is worth it. I AM WORTH IT! And so I’m continuing on, knowing that I am fully loved and accepted just as I am in this moment, knowing that its okay to fall, that I can be “wrong” and still be loved.