A lot of the young people who have come out of the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP) and Advanced Training Institute (ATI) teachings have run wildly in any direction that would get them away. Away from the pain, the abuse, the guilt, the self-hatred, the despair — and all the other negative emotions that they labored under while enslaved to the teachings promulgated by Bill Gothard. When I talk to them about the biggest disappointments, the hardest hurts to let go of, they invariably bring up their parents as one of the top five.
Specifically, and I think most revealingly, it’s often their moms that they blame most. And, generally speaking, there are two types of moms who get blamed: moms who were abusive and moms who were passive in the face of abuse. It is the latter group, the passive moms, that I want to talk about.
The questions these young adults (and sometimes the not so young — the questions linger well into maturity) ask include variations of “Why did she let my dad treat her so badly?” “Why didn’t she leave?” “Why didn’t she fight back?” “Didn’t she care?”
If you are one of those young people, I want to offer you some insight into the passive wife and mother. Because I was that wife. For four years. I can’t heal your pain. But I hope I can help you see into your mother’s heart and soul just a little.
I don’t think I can convey to you the depth of pain and fear that passive mothers live under. Especially mothers who want to be godly women. Good women. Remember that society and the church have taught women for several hundred years that God wants them to shut up and let God deal with errant husbands. That is a lot of pressure to go against when things go terribly wrong with the man who won your heart.
No (modern) woman goes into a marriage thinking, “This guy is a brute and a narcissist and a jerk, and I’m just going to have to cope the best I can because there is no way out.” No! A woman goes into a marriage thinking that she has gotten the best guy on the planet. She hears him promise to “love, honor, cherish, and protect” her, and in her mind she has visions of sword-battles and Indiana Jones and Han Solo with a blaster. No bad thing will dare come at her. She is SAFE.
Only… she isn’t. The one who held her hands and looked into her eyes and said those precious words turned out to be the enemy. And she has to sleep with him. It doesn’t happen overnight. It may be weeks. Or months. But it happens and she is bewildered. King Arthur has just turned into Mordred. She married Han Solo, but somehow she’s now climbing into bed with Darth Vader. She was blissfully betrothed to Aragorn Elessar, but she is now living with Grima Wormtongue… or Gollum.
If she turns to the church for help, she is told that her place is in the home, being submissive to her husband’s authority. She should not carry “bad reports” to those outside the family. If he’s treating her badly, she should pray and let God deal with him. It’s not her place to correct The Man. That’s God’s job. And that may feel okay for a while. But if the abuse is bad, if it goes on for years, if it gets worse… then it doesn’t feel okay. Then it feels like you’re missing something, somewhere… but what?
If she turns to the world, to the secular community, for help, she’s told either to just divorce him and move on with her life, or to fight back. Tit for tat. Eye for eye. Is he committing adultery? Take revenge. As the song says, “I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4-wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seats. I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights; slashed a hole in all 4 tires — Maybe next time he’ll think before he cheats.” The world’s way doesn’t feel right to a Christian woman, either.
So neither the Christian solution nor the secular solution feels right, and the Christian woman has no training in how to fight with a Man anyway. Because she isn’t supposed to fight. She’s supposed to submit.
So she digs in and prays. Prays and weeps until her eyes are gritty and dry and there are no more tears. Until her prayers ricochet off the ceiling and the voices in her head tell her that there’s no use, God isn’t listening. God has forsaken her.
Her friends are alienated by the pain that radiates from her in palpable waves. They can’t understand the despair and the agony she’s in. They try to tell her that there must be some hidden sin she hasn’t dealt with. Some independence of spirit that she hasn’t slain. She slays herself again and again until there is nothing left of her. She becomes a walking, breathing shell.
She can’t help her children because she cannot help herself. She is powerless. She’s so deep in despair that, if she tries to look up, all she sees is more darkness. She may even be hard on the kids because, when they make mistakes, the Man makes her life even more miserable.
If she’s a strong woman (what the fundamentalist Christians call a woman with an “independent spirit,” which is a bad thing and is probably why she’s having all this trouble), there will be an ember that he cannot quench, and she — or someone outside it all — may be able to fan it into enough flame to give her the courage and desperation to finally leave. But it’s like ripping herself in two. CS Lewis says divorce is like an amputation. But it’s really more like vivisection.
And then she has to rebuild. While trying to make some kind of life for her children, she has to rebuild herself. Her dreams are gone. Her being has been violated and destroyed. Her self has been murdered. She is nothing. But she has to be everything to the children. With no brick, no mortar, not even mud and straw, she must build them a home and a family and a life.
Can you wonder, then, that this prospect terrifies even the strongest of women? That even the most courageous quails? That the abused woman hangs on, holds back, resists that final step of leaving for as long as she can? That she messes it up, makes mistakes, makes the mess even bigger?
I beg you, in the name of all wounded, abused mothers everywhere, show us pity! The battle is fierce, and some of us are not strong enough or trained enough to fight it. Especially when fighting it means fighting everyone we know. Imagine fighting a battle with no armor, no weapons, no backup, no battle-skills, no training. Against dragons and orcs and evil creeping things. And instead of helping or cheering you on, your family and friends are standing around shouting that you are doing it wrong, and that you are doomed to fail. How long could you fight? How well? How long before you crawled to a hole, covered your head, and begged to die?
If you had a passive mother, I am sorry. So, so sorry. I know that wound, that betrayal, is doubly horrible because your mother is supposed to protect you. But try, oh please, try to have compassion for her. Try to see her through other eyes. Try to see her as just as wounded, bewildered, and frightened as you. Try to forgive her. She couldn’t protect anyone. And no one was protecting her.
If you are a passive mother, I am sorry. I weep with you, my sister. Know that you are not alone. That someone else has been there. That there are countless others going through exactly what you are going through. There is a God who also knows. And He does hear your prayers. He is listening. Take courage, my sister. Take heart. You do not have to stand helplessly by while a Man destroys you and your children. That was never God’s plan. There are those who will help you, support you, nurture you, love you. Reach out for help. Protect your children. Seek protection for yourself. If your church and family won’t provide it, seek help from friends and your community.
And through it all, pray. Pray that God would show you His real will, and that He would give you the courage to act according to it. That He would point the way so clearly that you would have no fear of missing it. That He would make it so obvious that you would suffer no doubts. Above all, remember that He, too, knows the pain of betrayal and loss. He will help you bear it, if you let Him.
Thank you for this article. You really convey the trap that a passive woman is caught in. This will stay with me for a long time.
-- SJ
Wendy, well, well done. Thanks for sharing so eloquently.
I'm so glad you escaped!
But HOW does the passive mom escape? I see that she must, but how on earth can she, especially if she has a ton of kids?
Donna, I think you are bringing out my point better than I did! It can seem insurmountable for the "Quiverfull" mom with a whole lot of kids and no church or family support. I can only say that I have seen the wider community rally round and be the means for miracles.
And the means is different for every mom. I was very, very blessed to have a strong family behind me. When I finally called and said, "Come and get me out of here," they did. And I had only two children, because I lasted only a little more than four years. I had a college degree and marketable skills, so I had the ability to get a decent-paying job with benefits. My mother was willing to keep the kids and help out with meals while I worked full-time. I was lucky. I know many, many moms who are not so lucky.
How to escape? I think the beginning is to fight the passive response. Prayer and prayerful planning are the most important first steps. And that can be scary, and sometimes dangerous. Machiavelli said "No enterprise is more likely to succeed than one concealed from the enemy until it is ripe for execution." So unless you are in immediate danger, don't take drastic, immediate steps. Plan and move slowly, deliberately.
Begin to set aside small amounts of money --- even if it's only a few cents a week, it will begin to add up over time. And while that's going on, plan. Find out what resources, both sacred and secular, are available to you. Figure out where you will go to be safe. What you will take. What you can do and where you will apply for work. If you don't have skills, how you will get some. Where the kids will go while you are at work. How you will handle household responsibilities. The more you have planned ahead, the easier the move will be when you are ready to make it.
After the prayer and planning comes making the stand. Protect your children. Don't allow abuse to continue. If there is sexual, physical, or emotional abuse, confront it. Leave if you have to, to get yourself and your children in a safe place. If your church and family cannot or will not help you, there are secular places that will. Use those resources and work your plan.
Remember that getting out does not necessarily have to end in divorce. Separation is a perfectly acceptable tool for getting the attention of an abusive spouse. Requiring counseling and following your instincts as well as the counselor's direction in allowing access and returning to intimacy can sometimes turn a marriage --- even an abusive one --- around. The key is that BOTH partners in a marriage have to be willing to work toward making the marriage successful. One person cannot do it alone.
Wendy, your words ring with wisdom and experience.
There is not a one size fits all answer to these situations, unfortunately. My heart goes out to spouses that are in these situations. Here are some thoughts that came to my mind, perhaps they might help spark someone's creativity.
If physical abuse is an issue the sooner that a wife can quietly have an escape plan just in case it's needed, and perhaps a friend she can call with a code word, the better.
In our area, there is a church-based counseling service that offers help and counseling. Their desire would be to see the relationship restored of course but they are very clear-eyed about the wounds and the needs of abused family members and they help people get in touch with needed resources.
If someone is looking for a counselor you might could even start discreetly asking at the local library or looking into community resources.
Some people have found help through Focus on the Family's hotline 1-800-A-Family (I know a lot of people have mixed feelings about Focus on the Family and Dr. Dobson but they can recommend some good counselors). There is a web site here for finding Christian counselors through the American Association of Christian Counselors: http://www.aacc.net/shop/ccn/ccn_disclaimer.php. You might try clicking all the levels of credentials and looking through the list to see if any of the counselors will work for you. A good counselor will "get it." If you don't get a good counselor on the first try, keep trying. You don't need to settle for one who doesn't get it.
Sometimes people are interested in reading more about some of these issues. Two books that can helpful in many situations are "Boundaries" or "Boundaries in Marriage" and "You Might Be a Narcissist If..." Some people might relate to the patterns that Jef Gazley describes in the DVD called "Codependence: Overcome Codependency and Develop Healthy Relationships".
Matthew, you are right. One size fits nobody very well. Each situation is different. Each situation has its own dynamic. Books helped me a lot because my then-husband refused counseling. Of any kind, even Christian. And the counselors he later went to were of the "shut up, woman, and let God work on your man" variety. In fact, the first divorce lawyer I saw was like that -- and she was a woman!! Not very helpful in my situation.
You are definitely right: If you can get your abusive spouse to agree to counseling, and the first one doesn't get it, keep trying until you find one who does. In fact, if you can't get your spouse to agree to counseling, but you can go anyway, do! A good counselor will look at the WHOLE marriage dynamic, dealing with BOTH partners, confronting them individually with their problems. There may have to be a time of focus on one partner if that person is the primary problem in a relationship, or if one partner is so afraid to open up that they need special handling.
Some books that have helped me greatly, in addition to those you named:
Ken Nair's "Discovering the Heart of a Man" and "Discovering the Mind of a Woman" (and they should be read TOGETHER, not separately, or you lose that balance).
Joel and Kathy Davisson's "Man of Her Dreams/Woman of His" and "Livin' It and Lovin' It."
Paul Hegstrom's "Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them."
Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He DO That?"
And there are more, but those come right off the top of my head. :-)
Contact your local women's shelter for information and resources.
I did not have a passive mother, I had a passive father. I have often wondered, why he allowed my mother to do so many crazy things?
In reading this, I wonder whether he experienced pain. I'm guessing if he did, he probably never identified it as such.
OH Wendy, thank you for being a voice and putting into words what some of us are experiencing. The pain and confusion created by abuse are debilitating. there were days when I could hardly function after a verbal attack. How many abused people are hiding behind the facade of appearances? How can they be recognised?
It seems that abusers are attracted to churches or groups that demand performance so they can atone for their guilt. (They must feel something about the way they treat their spouse.) How can you help a woman trapped in an abusive situation? I am in one now, and have been for many more than four years.
Be a friend. The subtile tactic of the abuser is isolation. He keeps his wife in a state of fear of sharing with anyone. He frequently changes the scene, moving from church to church. This way his wife loses the support of friends she may be very slowly reaching out to. Once he leaves a church, he cuts off all ties with friends made while there, so his wife has to start all over again, being a stranger in a new place. Then, when she finally gets to know someone well enough to trust them, her husband decides that it's time to find another church, this one has problems. And on the cycle goes, keeping her isolated.
ATI works in the favor of the abuser. The strong emphasis on the husband's headship and the submission of the wife and children are just what he wants. The unspoken code of the family is "don't talk about family problems to anyone". Even between ourselves, we are to "forgive and forget", of else we are accused of being bitter. I myself was ordered to stop talking to my friends, to stop giving bad reports about him, to stop being bitter and holding a grudge.
I love being able to meet so many people and share our stories here. Pray for those of us who are stuck in an awful marriage and want out, but are condemned for thinking such things.
"Tangent," you have identified the tactics so well. I will be praying for you. I wish I could do more, because that sounds so ... feeble. So empty. My sister, I remember the isolation all too well. The church-hopping. The constant uprooting. The guilt trips if I so much as looked tired or sad in public. Yes, my sister, I remember. You are not alone.
---- Holy Father in Heaven, I ask you to look down on my sister, "Tangent." You see where she is and you know her. Wrap your arms of comfort around her. Place your angels in protection around her and her children. Give her your peace and your answers. Make her way clear. We ask your hand upon her husband. Open his eyes to the lies he has believed about you. Shower your true grace upon him so that he will no longer need to prove himself perfect to earn your love. Heal his wounds so that he no longer has to be better than others to be acceptable in Your sight. Give "Tangent" and her husband a new relationship, one that is beautiful and precious. Give "Tangent" back the man who vowed to "love, honour, cherish, and protect her." Remind her husband of the man he was and of the dreams that they shared. Give "Tangent" courage and strength and wisdom, and lead her to the resources to do whatever she must do to protect herself and her children. Keep her in your will and in your protection. I ask this as your rescued daughter, in the Name of Your precious Son, Jesus. Amen. -----
"Tangent," you will continue in my prayers. And in my thoughts. Be strong, my sister. You are loved.
Tangent,if you are able, I invite you to join one of RG's Facebook Recovery Groups, at the top of this page. Hugs and prayers!
Thank you for you prayers. I wonder how many of us are out there hidden in our churches and communities. Your advice is helpful. Yesterday I spoke with one of the counselors I contacted through RG's Facebook group, and I was greatly encouraged. Thank God for the truth that sets us free, and for this web site where we can share our stories and help each other come to freedom in Christ.
Wendy, My mom was not passive, but I can relate to the pain and anguish you describe. My heart burns now for women of all ages and stages of life who have been taught that they should be small so others can be big and in charge. I think that a wild wind is blowing that is awakening the heart of women to be strong and whole. I salute you, Sister, in the work you have done and are doing. Have you read "Women Who Run With the Wolves" or others by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes? I know I already mentioned it in my article, and I think you would really enjoy and benefit from it. Keep on!
Ok guys and gals, I'm curious/concerned--about how often would you say an abusive husband moves his family to another church? 2,3 years? more?
Christy, again, it's probably different in every situation. In my case, we were married for nearly 4 years before he settled on a church he liked ... and it was completely unsuitable for our family. During the first 9 months of our marriage, we tried half a dozen different churches. We'd attend for a while until they started asking when we were going to officially join, and then we'd up stakes and move on, because he had a "conviction" against formally joining a church.
We moved to a different city when he was laid off, and for three years he church-hopped. Again, we'd attend for a while until they started asking about us joining. Maybe 3 to 6 months. About the time I started feeling like I was fitting in, putting down roots, YANK! Out we'd go.
I finally said I wasn't going to church again until he found someplace he liked. He went alone to various places for several months and then told me he'd found a place. It was SO unsuitable. Mostly older couples. No nursery -- and we had a 2yo and a 6mo. No children's program. No couples our age. I think he liked it because, since we were the "babies" in the church, we got petted and a lot of fuss made over us. I HATED it. (Not the sermons or the people, just the situation and the fuss.) After the sixth Sunday in a row of me having to take two wriggly, fussy babies out of the service, I refused to go back. What was the point of getting all dressed up if I was going to end up sitting in the old nursery room playing with my kids and not taking part in the service?
One reason for all of this constant moving (though I don't think they always know it consciously) is to keep the wife off balance and without a support network. So it depends on the situation. I think they do it when they see her beginning to set roots. Make friends. Feel safe and comfortable.
Another reason can be when/if the church leadership begins to see an unhealthy dynamic and challenge the man to get his act together. He cannot tolerate challenge or being put in the wrong, so he will not stay where he is confronted with his misbehaviour towards his wife.
This is so true! It is exactly what my dad did, for years. He had all the religious talk down pat, and could appear very charming... but as soon as people started to sense something was off, he decided we shouldn't go to that church (frequently saying cuz they were too worldly or something).
All the while he was having affairs and molesting my younger brother. Mom had been so destroyed by his emotional and spiritual abuse, that she struggled to break free.
Now they are in the middle of a nasty custody battle and she is in danger of losing her house and everything they had, because she was unable to act decisively at the right time (this is also thanks to Mr. G's teachings...she was waiting for a "rhema" from God telling her what to do...unwilling to go accept counsel from her unsaved family members or from a secular psychologist, and unaware that sometimes the Spirit speaks to us in the language of plain old common sense!)
This article does help me see things more from her perspective....
I think some guys move either out of boredom or because of rising conflicts. My family moved a number of times for various reasons but it I think it was often due to rising conflicts and looking for a fresh start rather than an attempt to control my mom's environment.
Christy, a suggestion just for "fun": if a husband is overbearing and says that everybody under him has to submit to his authority, then he ought to be submitting to the pastor (by his own standard). If he refuses to do so, it might work to actually have the pastor call him out on it directly and basically command him to submit (in the sense of coming to counseling or being accountable or something like that). I know it sounds strange and it won't work in every situation, but sometimes this kind of man will respond to a strong male being direct with him. It would depend on the situation and the pastor and all that. But if someone did this, it would put a fork in the road: either the husband has to submit to someone besides himself (which might be a novel experience) or the husband will refuse. If he refuses, he has now set a precedent for "rebelling" against authority to which the wife herself can appeal in the future.
I'm not saying anyone should do this, just offering a suggestion - each case is different. And I know that this would carry a real risk of a big blow-up. But it might be that the blow-up would be the very thing that would help open the pastor's eyes.
My husband was in counseling with our pastor. When things didn't go the way he wanted them to go, he began to avoid the pastor and then quit coming to church at all. Then he went to another church where the pastor is all about the man's authority in "his" home. He was welcomed into fellowship, now he is telling me that I need to submit and go there with him.
For me to go there would be to endorse all the awful things he has said about our pastor here. I can not do it.
I agree that if he won't submit to any authority, neither should I be required to "submit" to his authority. The pressure is intense right now. He always gets his way by hook or by crook.
That' it. It's not so much a matter of time, it's the situation. It may be that he can fool people for a number of years, but when he is confronted, he begins to find "problems" with the church and look for another.
Also, if his wife is shy and slow to make friends, it may take longer before anyone knows what the situation is. But when she does warm up enough to trust and share, when he is finally confronted, he's out of there.
Thank you, thank you for writing this. You are a voice of hope and comfort for me. I have been in a very difficult marriage for over a decade and we have several children. I have felt for years that no one understood, no one saw the verbal/emotional/spiritual abuse that was happening, and I was forbidden from sharing my pain with anyone because it would make my husband look bad. I am a thousand miles away from my family and hometown, and we church-hopped for awhile until we stopped going altogether.
My husband has stored up a lot of wounds and bitterness over the years for various reasons. I almost don't recognize him as the person I married. In his pain, he has often attempted to transfer the shame to me through control tactics, loud verbal barrages, and the like. (If I would only do this or that then he wouldn't curse or watch R-rated movies. If the kids would just do what they're told then he wouldn't get so angry.) It got to the point that I was even forbidden from doing housework unless I could do it "perfectly" (by his definition).
When I sought Christian help (books, internet, etc.) the advice was to submit to my husband and keep a meek and quiet spirit, or get counseling, which he wouldn't do. When I looked for secular advice, the overwhelming consensus was to divorce and move on to freedom. In my fog I cried many, many tears and gut-wrenching sobs alone with God, knowing that there must be another way and fighting suicidal depression (because I was raised with "divorce is never an option" and the patriarchal mindset). I could not read my Bible, but a verse or two carried me through that awful time. Eventually, I put my marriage on the proverbial altar, willing to let it go, and willing to be a single mom for my kids. It was the hardest resolve I'd ever made in my life.
My story is not done. I am still married. My husband is willing to listen, so long as I do not condemn him or control him. God is working on his heart, ever so slowly, and I am basking in the little changes. I must maintain patience and look steadfastly on the face of my Lord to guide us through this storm. It will still take a miracle to restore this marriage. But my God is able, and I am willing to cooperate with Him.
I've had to re-learn what biblical submission is. It is not being a door mat or second-class citizen. It is not submitting to abuse or letting someone control you. I had been taught that if a husband is out of line, I was to "make a godly appeal" and stand by. I was never told what to do in the face of manipulation and abuse. I was never told that I as the woman had options, BIBLICAL options, to put a stop to abuse.
I have broken out of my emotional prison and have begun reaching out for help from family and friends, letting them in on my pain and need for prayer and emotional support. In this, I have found hope. Where I was in a position of complete dependence on my husband for provision and protection and guidance, I am now finding ways to be more independent in these areas while not hurting my relationship with my husband. I am now able to identify and call out abuse for what it is without fear. I cannot change my husband's heart, but I can find my complete worth and identity in Christ alone no matter what happens.
I hope for the best for you, Hopeful. It's been over three decades for our marriage, and there have been times when I too, was hopeful. Now he is being "good" because he feels I am getting too free, so he is trying to get me to go to another church where the pastor is very authoritarian. Even "good" behavior can be used to manipulate and control.
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Thank you, Wendy, for illuminating a topic that is often brushed under the rug by certain Christian groups. I was an abused wife, but did my best to be "submissive" and all that for eight years of marriage. My parents were not abusive at all but as a student in ATI, I learned all the "Godly wives are submissive" stuff and took it to the nth degree.
I can certainly identify with your's and other commenter's stories of Christian counseling that only fed the problem and church-hopping until my ex found one "fundamental" enough to suit his needs. I finally found the courage to leave after he nearly hit our oldest son, and his anger and emotional violence had increased to alarming proportions.
It took me several months of planning to finally break away, as I had to hide money carefully and get secret bank accounts and credit cards. I also got a small storage unit so that I could hide the necessary items the children and I would need when we left (clothes, important papers, food, etc). Fortunately, my ex got himself arrested for an incident regarding the neglect of one of our sons (long story) and we were not only able to get away safely to a Women's Shelter, but to put most of our belongings into storage until I found a place to move to. God truly opens doors!
To all you ladies that feel "stuck" in your abusive situation, hang in there, and reach out to your family (if you have one) and community! Even just calling a battered women's hotline can be a start for figuring out the best thing to do.
Btw, my ex just finished his second divorce- his new ex-wife is now my good friend and she told me that she kicked him out for lying and being controlling! At least he doesn't batter anymore, but his underlying methods and controlling ways have not changed in twenty years.
Blessings on you all. :)
Wendy, thank you for sharing your life and your heart so openly and honestly.
I hope and pray... and resolve, by God's grace, that I will never bring my wife to experience what you have.
Wendy,
You know, I thought a real Mother would have a tiger spirit in protecting her young. I have no sympathy for the weak, passive Mother who allows her husband to beat her senseless and abuse her daughters. Fear is no excuse for allowing heinous crimes to be committed so while I respect your post, I don't have pity on such women. I would gladly lay down my life for my children and can't imagine standing by and watching them suffer at the hands of someone who is supposed to love and protect them. My Mother is a weak, passive person for which I have no respect. In my eyes, she is just as guilty as her perverted husband by turning a blind eye to the abuse my sister and I suffered as children.
Chelsea, I'm sorry you were abused. And I am sorry that your mother betrayed you by not putting a stop to it. She was wrong. She failed you horribly.
But in her failure, she needs your pity, your compassion. Can you imagine being so broken that you cannot stand up to protect your children? So powerless that even if you got the strength to protest, you wouldn't know where to turn? How pitiful is it to be so broken that you cannot protect an innocent child from harm?
Remember that most abused women (though certainly not all) are just as abused as their children. For most, the "tiger spirit" has been forcibly, cruelly beaten out of them. If not literally, then figuratively. And they have NO support from mainstream Christianity. When they seek help, they are told to submit and to pray. That anything else is sin. That they have to trust God. (I know. More than one person told me that even if my husband beat me so badly I ended up in hospital, I should not leave him. I should stop talking bad about him. I should pray harder. Back then, it was bewildering. Today, it's infuriating.)
I'm not excusing the passive mom. Her sin may be different from the abuser's, but it's still sin. What I'm saying is that we ought to offer the passive mom the same compassion that we want others to show us when we fail. Jesus confronted sin, but He was compassionate toward sinners whose brokenness contributed to their sin. I think we need to have the same attitude.