As an ATI (Advanced Training Institute) student, I was a walking contradiction. So much of me wanted to be a perfect, sharply dressed, smiling young man in navy and white with a shining smile and a perfectly slicked comb over–just like the fine young men that sang on the main stage at the Knoxville conference each year with their family.
But another part of me knew I just wasn’t cut out to be an ATI poster child, and despite my best efforts, I would always feel to a certain extent that I didn’t measure up. The fact of the matter was, my brother and I were/are “cursed” by inheriting my father’s bizarre observant sense of humor. It’s one that finds hilarity in the uniqueness and absurdity of people and their eccentricities and idiosyncrasies. A person’s mannerisms, their vocal tones and expressions, their unique vocabulary and strange responses to the happenings of any experience–all of these things were subject to review and studied thoroughly by my brother and I, and we almost always found something in those experiences to laugh about.
It’s not that we were necessarily making fun of any specific person or group of people–we thought all people were hilarious and awkward, including ourselves. The jokes in our house often centered on us making fun of each other, which was only more motivation to find something that that other person did we could kid them about.
We never took ourselves too seriously. We couldn’t because the other members of our family wouldn’t allow us to and that’s just how we liked it.
But when we joined ATI, my brother and I quickly realized two things:
(1) Our sense of humor and quirkiness wasn’t always appreciated by most ATI families; and in fact we might get labeled as “scoffers” if we joked with the wrong sorts of people.
Jokes like, “Hey Josh, what’s the difference between an ATI guy and a mouse?”
“I dunno, Jeremy. What’s the difference?”
“A mouse has more chest hair!” were generally frowned upon in certain contexts. So, before we shared comedic gold with anyone, we must first wisely and slowly evaluate them to see if they were the type to get “offended.” If they were, we would play a tame and sanitized version of ourselves and pray hard that we still somehow gained their acceptance.
(2) There were a lot of weird, awkward, and absolutely hilarious kids in ATI (including us). The conferences, seminars, and Training Centers were PERFECT places to gather material that would keep us entertained for months at a time.
My parents tried hard to keep us from growing into hard-hearted, scoffing, committed fools, but my brother’s spot on impersonation of Gothard kept them in stitches and kept their chiding to soft, playful reprimands and warnings to never let it leave the house. I think deep down my parents knew they were fighting a losing battle. There was this cookie-cutter image of how ATI young men were supposed to look and act like what was preached to them at all the events and in all the literature.
And then there was my brother and I, two guys who, often in spite of our own efforts, didn’t fit into that mold in the least bit with our fart jokes, over-the-top pranks, and bizarre skit ideas that came to life through the family camcorder.
I remember feeling like there were two versions of myself and my family. There was the real truth of who we were, with all the loudness, dysfunction, irreverence and nuttiness one might expect from a family with five kids still intact (three of them being boys). And then there was the version of ourselves we played whenever we were around other ATI families at our church, at the conferences, or the seminars. The ATI version of who we were felt so phony and lifeless, like we were always wearing a mask and trying so hard to gain acceptance and approval from some unseen force.
I remember wondering, “Are we the only family who acts different at these things or is everybody as perfect as they look?” It was like everyone took such great pride and delight in parading their ever-so-perfect family around for the all seeing eyes of the other families, that no-one seemed to think even for a moment that what they were looking at just might all be an act.
I remember my dad trying to find a parking spot for our family’s van in Knoxville during the national conference and watching a family get out of an even LARGER van than ours (which, clearly meant that their quiver was fuller). It was a Monday afternoon during registration, so that meant no-one was obligated yet to wear navy and white. In a valiant display for what a Proverbs 31 woman should be like, the mother had risen to the challenge by dressing all eight of her children in matching denim and khaki outfits–long khaki dresses and denim shirts for the girls and khaki pants and denim shirts for the guys. But it wasn’t enough that they stood out for all wearing IDENTICAL clothing from the 1950’s on a state university campus in June. After filing out of the van, the children then proceeded to line up behind their mother from shortest to tallest and march down the sidewalk like little baby ducks. As much as I remember snickering a little when I saw this, most of me felt incredibly insecure and inadequate. I remember thinking, “If a godly ATI family acts like that, then what’s wrong with my family?” We never wore matching denim shirts and our system of exiting the van resembled more of an evacuation than a flock of well-behaved waterfowl.
I would try hard at conferences to appear natural in navy and white. I would experiment in the bathroom before events with my look to somehow appear more “ATI”ish. Perhaps more hair spray would make my hair look shinier, thus resulting in a tighter comb-over, thereby resulting in the appearance of greater godliness. Tennis shoes with navy pants didn’t look very professional or godly, but man, was it hard walking to all those sessions in dress shoes. My tie couldn’t be too modern or fashionable or I might appear rebellious. In fact, there were a lot of ways that one could appear rebellious in navy and white.
The top two indicators that a male ATI student wearing navy and white was in fact a rebel in disguise were:
(1) Hair. More specifically, the type of hair product used in said hair. If a young man doused his closely cropped mop in hair spray and combed it over or slicked it back, he was most likely a godly, acceptable young man. However, if a young man used gel and SPIKED his hair or combed it forward (a la George Clooney in the 90s), watch out. What you were dealing with was most likely a rebel with worldly tendencies.
(2) Shoes. Many ATI students wore tennis shoes with navy and white. This was acceptable attire and, as mentioned earlier, a necessary evil for the greater purpose of an increased rate of transit so as not to be late to afternoon sessions. But the type of tennis shoe spoke volumes on the integrity of the wearer. The safest type of tennis shoe was anything that was plain white or any other solid color (bonus points if Velcro was included). What was not okay was to wear a pair of Vans (or any other knock-off brand) with your navy and white. These shoes looked way too cool and spoke of the impertinence and rebellion of the committed fools who wore them.
So in preparing myself to be displayed before the ever watchful eyes of other ATIers, I had to try my best to avoid being perceived as a rebel and appear natural–as if this was how I dressed every day of my life.
But in spite of my best efforts, I still felt inadequate. I tried to imagine the lives of the poster families that performed on the main stage at the Knoxville conference. I imagined their neatly hung and lightly starched navy and white awaiting them each morning as they awoke at 4:45 A.M. for morning devotions, prayer, and a huge homemade breakfast prepared for all twelve of them by their mother, who probably never slept. I imagined their days were loaded with diligent Scripture memorization, spontaneous hymn-singing, and plenty of smiles and bright countenances, regardless of how tedious, boring, or unpleasant life ever became. In other words, they literally appeared perfect. Super-human. Extra-terrestrial. During the conferences I would often catch a glance of my family, with my snotty-nosed two year old little brother and two sisters fighting over a coloring book, and suddenly feel a great sadness at the futility of our best efforts. We just weren’t good enough. My parents just weren’t trying hard enough. My siblings just weren’t up to par. I wasn’t trying hard enough.
Mom and Dad would come home from Knoxville with great plans of how to turn us into the family we needed to be. Usually this would involve getting up earlier, memorizing more Scripture, stricter rules, more spankings, doing more chores, and completely re-vamping our diet to include plenty of homemade bread, whole wheat pasta, and salads from a cookbook Mom bought at one of the afternoon sessions for mothers. Every year we would have a family meeting where our parents would inform us of the over-arching changes regarding our family that would be effective immediately. The first few days were always the hardest. Mom and Dad would act really excited about all the change going on and play the roles of a godly ATI father and mother, just like they had seen at the conference. They would act like this is how life had been every day of our lives, but it all just felt like a big game to my brother and I. We endured the spankings, the early morning chores, and the horrible homemade whole wheat rolls that were heavy enough to be ammunition for an artillery cannon because we knew it would all be over soon. Sometime around the third or fourth day, we always could sense when they were getting tired. Dad would come wake us up a few minutes later each day. The homemade breakfasts would get less elaborate. Dad might skip a morning devotional because he had to be at work on time. Mom might cave and take us through the Taco Bell drive-thru for lunch instead of making us eat spinach salad with homemade organic dressing. And with each instance of a perceived failure in parenting on their part, I can still remember their listless sighs of resignation and the hopeless looks of defeat on their faces. Using “fool-proof” methods guaranteed to garner “perfect” results, they had tried and failed. There must be something wrong with them. There must be something wrong with us.
In Matthew 23, Jesus warned his followers of the Pharisees because “…they tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people’s shoulders.” This is exactly what I remember ATI giving my family. Not a sense of hope or joy, or victory in Christ, but heavy burdens that were exhausting and painful to bear. We carried them on our shoulders for the seven years we were in the program and for many more afterwards, constantly feeling inadequate and unworthy in our alleged failures to conform to the images presented to us of what it looked like to a perfect Christian. And so, after many failed attempts, many members of my family stopped trying all together–not just with ATI, but with Christianity as a whole.
But can I blame them?
Why would anyone keep playing a game that they can never win? Why should anyone believe in something that squelches their humanity and individuality and constantly condemns them? Why would anyone want to follow a belief system that offers no hope or answers to a person’s faults other than to just “try harder”?
I cry for them, and when I have no more tears to cry, the inside of me aches quietly for the scars given to them by a man who claimed to preach the Gospel of Christ.
But Bill Gothard’s teachings aren’t even Christianity. His teachings are the absolute antithesis of the gospel of God’s grace given to us in the person of Jesus Christ. At its best, these teachings might be defined as hyper-religious moralistic deism. Gothard would never say it directly but at the heart of his teaching, his theology presents a rather impersonal God whose relationship with us is grounded in an economy of our own works. If we live according to a certain standard, He extends blessings and merited favor to us (because, after all, we are living according to higher standards than most and therefore we deserve it!). However, if we don’t live our life perfectly according to a list of higher standards, God shuns us, turns His back on us, and may even allow us to become demonically controlled and even possessed.
Not only is Gothard’s theology thoroughly unbiblical and deceptively heretical, it presents the believer with an impossible task: “Be perfect by trying hard. If you do, God will bless you. If you don’t, God will curse you.” Being perfect, being “God-like” in a sense, is absolutely impossible through our own efforts. And even if one does feel like they “succeed,” they’re most likely guilty of an even far greater sin than before–pride.
Theologian T.F. Torrance said it this way,
The truth is, we’re all inadequate. We’re all unworthy. Trying to “parrot” or “ape” the behavior-patterns of others in an effort to make ourselves seem more loveable is to misunderstand the scandalous grace and the furious love of Jesus. He loves us not because of who we are, but because of who He is. He said, “…my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matt. 11:30). He sends us His Spirit to truly transform us from the inside out into a new creation, so that we don’t have to waste our time in vain, self-serving attempts to appear holy and make much of ourselves. He extends His unmerited, undeserved grace towards us so that we, in turn, can make much of Him, for our greatest good and His greatest glory.
I wish I could somehow go back in time and meet the 14-year-old version of myself getting ready for an ATI conference. I wish I could cradle his pimpled face in my hands and look into his anxious brown eyes and whisper the words, “There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re loved so much deeper than you can possibly imagine by the God of the universe. Nothing you do can make Him love you any more or any less. You look fine just the way you are.” And then I would kiss him on his greasy forehead and tousle his black hair starched stiff by ungodly amounts of hairspray. I would tell him to never feel ashamed of who he is and who he isn’t. I would tell him to love and accept his family and friends for everything they are and everything they aren’t.
In fact, I do that everyday. That same little boy inside of me frequently feels shame and anxiety for little things that he is or isn’t. I confront his fears with the grace of God and the scandalous gospel of Jesus. He’s learning, but his journey is far from over.
Share this post:
Tweet this Share on Facebook Stumble it Share on Reddit Digg it Add to Delicious! Add to Technorati Add to Google Add to Myspace Subscribe to RSS
Josh and his family were in ATI for 7 years, where he was involved in numerous Children's Institutes, Character First!, ALERT Cadets, and attended several Basic and Advanced Seminars. After leaving ATI, Josh spent time running from God until he realized resistance to the furious love of Jesus was futile. Happily married, he now teaches English and creative writing in a public high school and leads worship and writes music for his church.
More posts by Joshua B
July 31, 2024
JM, What you're missing is that just because some ...
July 31, 2024 Good points Rob. There is also true irony in th ...
July 31, 2024 Jm, you must be a jack of all trades. For someone ...
July 25, 2024 Nope. Rob, you haven't properly evaluated Holly's ...
July 23, 2024 Holly is a fraud herself. Her own son has come out ...
July 22, 2024 First off, it's "dam," not the other word. The spe ...
July 22, 2024 Rob, This was MUCH BETTER! Thank you for findi ...
July 22, 2024 I do have some training in science, but mainly in ...
July 22, 2024 I hope it is soon. What is even more curious is th ...
June 30, 2024 Does anyone have an update on the expected release ...
June 14, 2024 JM, you wrote: "Bill and those who regularly wr ...
May 24, 2024 https://www.training-resources.org/music-in-the-ba ...
May 16, 2024 Garlock and Woetzel's books aren't out of print. N ...
May 15, 2024 All of this is case in point, Kevin. Bill and t ...
May 10, 2024 JM said: "Well that can't be the case at all. D ...
May 7, 2024 JM, all you have offered here is two IFB preacher ...
May 7, 2024 Well that can't be the case at all. Dr. Cornish's ...
May 6, 2024
LOL - I so could relate to this article. Thank you for being able to write from a humorous standpoint what so many of us experienced.
Like you, I wish I could go back and tell the 14 year old me that God's grace was something He gave me because He actually loved me. He created me to be me because he liked me that way. Wow, what a difference if I had believed those truths instead of the message that I had to be and do.
I read this article through once, tried to remember if I'd written it, then read it again and realized there were others just like me, struggling just as I did, wondering the same things about the legitimacy of the program's fruits in the families around me. Josh, thanks for your humor in writing about some of the hurts and confusions you had growing up in the program. I wish we could have run into each other in Knoxville, compared high waisted pants in Alert Cadets, or let me borrow some of your hairspray while working on our Red Sea epic-like parted hair in the arena restrooms.
I know too well the seeming constant need to comfort the kid I was, trying so hard to please, obey, fit a mold defined for him by birth order, gender and supposed spiritual gifts. Than again, I find myself comforting the me from yesterday for many of the same things.
Thank you for sharing the laughs amongst the old and fading scars. Be blessed.
Josh, you sound like someone I would enjoy hanging out with. :)
Wow, tears from laughing but also from being touched. Thanks so much for this.
This line resonates: "Using “fool-proof” methods guaranteed to garner “perfect” results, they had tried and failed. There must be something wrong with them. There must be something wrong with us."
You paint such a great image of all these people heading off the conferences for another load of guilt and pressure to conform. What a shame. What an absolute crying shame and what a blown opportunity to speak to the hearts of these parents and their children and lighten their load and empower them in their daily life and spiritual walk.
But I love that picture of speaking to the insecure, well-meaning child version of one's self that still lives on inside, and confronting "his fears with the grace of God and the scandalous gospel of Jesus."
Well done, Josh! This reminded me of my days at the ITC. I lost count of the times that one of my friends would go forward at staff meeting to confess that they had engaged in folly....meaning that they had laughed at something I had done. So, I would trudge up to the front and confess to starting the folly. (All the while trying to contain myself so I wouldn't laugh at my own folly while confessing said folly in front of a couple hundred people.) I, too, wish I could have a conversation with my younger self. I'd tell her to lighten up and find some new friends!
Teri, I remember you as the most joy-filled person, now, but I can also remember trying to change you into the "perfect" ATI person, so please forgive me. I do love you for who you are, more so now than ever...:) and you are NOT full of folly. :) love you.
Laura, you don't need my forgiveness! I always valued your honesty...and I wish I had more friends just like you!
totally brings back memories from Knoxville, especially the shoes part, even though I was a girl the right footwear was also important. I remember my first time as an apprentiship student wearing sandals and getting looks for having 'bare' feet. There were of course others in similar footwear but they were the minority, most were in the suntan hose with navy flats. I was always on the outskirts, wasn't one of the cool ones but dressed more worldly than the more commited ones. It was also very lonely because I never really knew many people since we couldn't afford to go to many of the opportunities, a hardship at the time but now a blessing.
Wow, Josh. That is a good rendering of the annual pattern of the system.
Jesus says, "Be ye therefore perfect as your father in heaven is perfect." There is only ONE WAY for this to happen--through Jesus Christ. Jesus has provisioned everything we need to come to God acceptably.
The gospel of Jesus is simple but not simplistic.
In contrast, Gothard's system is simplistic but in NO WAY simple!
Jesus' burden is light; Gothard's heavy.
Gothard rejects the "bitter", Jesus calls, "Come to me."
Jesus' way is narrow (through Him alone) yet simple.
In contrast, Gothard's way is a very complicated labyrinth of dead-ends which have a sense of wisdom in leading us into desperation so that we call out to God, but in reality these produce no way of escape. Gothard leads people down avenues of self-effort and, in practice, rejects the free provision of the free, unmerited grace of Jesus' sacrifice (already provided to us) trading this blessing for a "more spiritual" system of self-effort for the "truly dedicated."
Gothard talks about Jesus' work. He also talks about hearing the voice of the Holy Spirit. However, if you claim that the Holy Spirit has spoken to you or has lead you in some way, you will discover that Gothard DOES NOT BELIEVE IN THESE AS SUFFICIENT.
The work of God needs no system of man to enhance it.
Sorry, Bill, you flunked again. Keep taking those tests.
God has already provisioned everything that we need to come to God acceptably through Jesus Christ and His gift of the Holy Spirit.
I could sooooo relate to this post! I grew up used to good-natured sarcasm, and could receive it and dish it out with gusto. Mom always had a problem with it, but that was because she never had much of a funny bone and couldn't identify a joke unless you prefaced it by saying: "Let me tell you a joke". :) She could have fun and be lighthearted, but she was one of those people who take things literally and don't easily see humor in their everyday surroundings.
Then we heard the teaching about the types of fools and I lived under the cloud of impending "scorner" hopelesness.
I also remember going to Basic Seminars and being around the ATI crowd, and realizing I didn't quite fit in. Then came the shopping trips...trying to find the longest skirts, frumpiest dresses, and clunkiest shoes, in hopes of acquiring the "godly" look I saw around me. One day I remember finding an awful long-sleeved denim dress (which my sister said looked like it belonged on the prairie, and she would not be seen in public with me when I wore it lol). I ran to show it to mom saying proudly: "Look! I found a Gotharoid suit!" (My bent for sarcasm/scorning surfacing again: A humanoid has a human appearance but isn't...Therefore Gotharoid outfit makes me look as Gothardly as the authentic gothardites!)
My situation was compounded by the fact that dad was a faker, who could smile and charm and quote the Bible...but only those who lived with him saw what the was really like. Somehow I came up with the idea that honoring authority meant we had to look extra good so no one would find out we didn't have a perfect ATI father.
I would look at all these smiling families and wistfully wonder how long it would take to please God enough so that He would see fit to change Dad's heart.
I'm still wondering about that last one...but I do know now, that God is pleased in me because of who He is and what He did for me. So it doesn't matter what I look like, how my family looks, or even how I make my family look!
This is awesome. I remember those family meetings. And the "failures" that were really reconnections to normal, healthy, balanced life.
Excellent article. It captured many of my feelings.
Thanks,
Amanda
I'm surprised they let anyone wear tennis shoes! When my family was in ATI the students were required to wear nice shoes to the conference. I can't remember the exact dress code, but tennis shoes were definitely prohibited. (This was in the mid 1990s and early 2000s.)
Well spoken. Even as an ATI-enamored teenager, I still dreaded the post-conference fallout. Everyone was physically ill from being up for a completely exhausting week, Dad was worried about money because it cost so much to go, the youngers were fighting in the van on the way home, and Mom was in tears because she felt like a failure. Every.single.time.
Rowena, LOL! This sounds way too familiar. Your dad must have known my husband and I feel a familiarity with your mother.
Our poor children! I remember the same sort of reactions to attending the Knoxville seminars. It was our only vacation every two years. And then I would want to come home and try out all the things we heard, like training the babies via the Ezzos, renewing our commitment to Wisdom Searches, playing melodious music throughout the day, getting those minit booklets started, breaking into the multitude of booklets associated with Christ-centered curriculum, saving money for the next "vacation" two years later, figuring out which "lucky" relative got to watch all the children we left behind when we attend that next seminar, to feeling like a failure because I couldn't keep up the appearance and I really wanted to wear pants when we baled the hay and was very weary of grinding the wheat and baking the bread. I think a trip to the Grand Canyon would have been more fun for everyone.
Isn't that the truth? When I think of the time and money we spent on ATI and how we could have had real, family-memory -building vacations together instead of all separated for the week. What a waste!
Something you said just struck me. My parents insisted that Sunday School was not Godly because: A, you were with other children your age, and their evil/rebellious behavior would rub off on you. B, you were not with your family to worship on a Sunday! (apparently you are incapable of worshiping God unless you are with your family). And yet the seminars took place with the family separated at all the events. Hmmm.. Hypocrasy much?
(Another favorite quote of my dad's, which he uses to prove that Sunday school and youth events are evil, is: "What happens when you put a bunch of ten year olds in a room together? They all act like ten year olds!" I remember grown ups shaking their heads in horror at the thought of children acting like other children their age, and it wasn't until I was a grown up that I realized the absolute STUPIDITY of such a thought. Heaven forbid your child act like a child and have a good time.)
I remember going to the South Campus in Indianapolis quite a few years ago. I was wearing jeans when we got there I remember feeling so condemned because jeans weren't allowed. However since then I have had encounters with standards that believe it or not are much higher than ATI's. I've come to the conclusion that feeling guilt about not being at a certain standard comes with the territory. I guess I have gotten a different perspective since ATI. I think that one draws nearer to God through certain disciplines. We are "slaves to righteousness" so we supposed to attain a standard of righteousness as a result of being children of God otherwise what would be the point? I agree with you that the standards that ATI held us to were in many cases arbitrary and high, but that doesn't make them wrong in and of themselves.
Sean, The problem with many (most) of the ATI standards is that they are actually extra-biblical standards created to attain an extra level of holiness--not something that God Himself asked of us. And in the process of attaining this extra level of "holiness" by following these standards, the greatest command was violated--to love God with all our hearts and love others (not judge or separate ourselves from them). The process of following these extra-biblical standards created additional guilt and fear over our own lack of worthiness and inability to perfectly follow these standards, which by their nature, were never able to be perfectly followed. I'm so thankful for Jesus and HIS perfection in fulfilling the law, which frees me up to imperfectly love and follow Him with all of my flawed heart and weak strength--something He is crazy enough to find great joy and delight in accepting from me. :-)
1. The standards werent "high" as that implies that anything else was lower and lesser. They were simply arbitrary.
2. While its true that there was nothing wrong with the standards themselves, what WAS wrong was holding them up as holier, more Biblical or more spiritual. Thats what was wrong with the standard BG set - extrabiblical and largely arbitrary standards set up as Christian necessity (at least for the truly dedicated Christian).
3. The standard that sets us apart as believers is Christlike love. That's the point. No other standard is. Sell all your goods, beat your body, be a martyr, whatever you can think of which might be a higher standard - without love it's nothing.
Yeah, and come to think of it, if we wanted to be 'truly' holy and living a Biblical standard, why aren't we dressing like ancient jews? Burlap and sandals, head coverings, prayer shawls etc..? It's what Jesus himself wore, right? That'd make a statement that few other things could! (and everyone would think we were progressive muslims.. lol)
"What's the point" is exactly the right question. Moralism is alive and well in most religions. If Christianity is just another set of moral standards, it's essentially redundant. The linchpin and distinctive of Christianity is the resurrection of Jesus Christ. So in Col 2, Paul states that the outward "standards" and religious observances aren't the issue but rather the resurrection power of Christ. Further, touch not, taste not, handle not: Such rules are mere human teachings... These rules may seem wise because they require strong devotion, pious self-denial, and severe bodily discipline. But they provide no help in conquering a person’s evil desires.
Some people say that religion can be spelled "DO" but Christianity is spelled "DONE", but if you believe that "higher standards" is the point, then Christianity becomes just another religion that is spelled "DO."
Sean,
Not that I want you to feel ganged up on, as others have already addressed some of your thoughts, but I feel it necessary to respond to your rhetorical question. I believe it encapsulates the motivation which drives and animates the Bill Gothard Empire.
If we're not "supposed to attain a standard of righteousness as a result of being children of God," you ask, then "what would be the point?" As Matthew has pointed out above, this is a - perhaps THE - crucial question for us as Christians. I'll answer it with another question: what would be the point of what? Of working hard? Of attempting to please God? Of trying to imitate Christ?
I'll assume for the sake of discussion that I've correctly interpreted the thrust of your question. The point you're making is quite logical, reasonable, and rational ... and it's based on a profound falsehood. The falsehood is this: that my standing before God is dependent on what I do. That's the idea behind the Law as delivered to Moses, the Law which set before God's people a blessing for obedience and a curse for rebellion (Deut. 11:26-28). It makes perfect sense to us that our closeness to God should be dependent on our good behavior, since we know God to be perfectly just and ourselves to be wretched sinners. But why then would the Apostle Paul declare the Law to be "the power of sin" (1st Cor. 15:54-56)? How does that make any sense when we know the Law to be holy, righteous, and good - the very reflection of God's nature itself?
My family never got into ATI (thank You, God!), but one night when I was at ALERT (an organization I hold in high esteem, btw), all of us recruits were subjected to a video recording of some big, prestigious ATI conference. One of the speakers, a father surrounded by his large, picture-perfect family, declared with great passion that he'd finally seen the light - that, thanks to Bill Gothard and IBLP, he at last understood the meaning of life: "Character is the key," he gushed, "It's all about character!" Even in that setting, surrounded by peers who didn't bat an eye at such a statement, I was taken aback. "It's all about character"? Really? Then where does Jesus fit in? Why'd God deem it necessary to crush His only Son on my behalf (Isa. 53:10-11) if the whole point of it all was to relapse to a system where "it's all about character"? Character didn't save me from my sins; Jesus did! "Character," when all's said and done, is really nothing more than a code word for "the Law."
Which brings us back to Paul's statement in 1st Corinthians. What does he mean when he says "the power of sin is the law"? Let's think this through. The power of sin is its ability to separate Man from God. This power is manifested in God's Law, which was delivered to mankind as a reaction against sin (Rom. 7:4-14). The Law, with its blessings for obedience, its curses for disobedience, and its sacrifices to atone for transgression, constitutes a continual reminder that Man is separated from God (Gal. 3:10-11, Heb. 10:1-4). The Law is powerless to defeat sin, because it delivers no grace. All it does is clarify and magnify sin so that we can understand how incredibly sinful we are (Gal. 3:23-26). Without the Law – which IS our condemnation – sin would have no power.
God understands this better than anyone else. That's why He knew He needed to fulfill the righteous requirements of the Law on our behalf were we to have any hope of relationship with Him. That's why He "offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins ... [perfecting] for all time those who are being sanctified" (Heb. 10:11-22). Therefore, since sin's power is derived from the Law, and since Christ has fulfilled the Law on our behalf (Matt. 5:17, Heb. 9:11-14), we are no longer under the power of sin. This means it cannot separate us from God ever again (Gal. 4:1-7, Rom. 8:1-4, 9-11). We will never experience God's displeasure. It doesn't matter whether our flesh falls short of His perfection, because Christ has exchanged our sin for His righteousness, and then put our sin to death in His body (2nd Cor. 5:17-21, Col. 2:13-14). This means that God views us in the same light as that in which He views Christ. Just as Christ became one of us, we have now become like Him, and not through our own efforts (Heb. 2:10-18, Eph. 2:4-7, Rom. 8:31-39).
This is what Jesus meant when He said "My yoke is easy and My burden is light" (Matt. 11:28-30). Bondage (for example, the idea that we have to first "build character" or "abide by high standards" in order to have a good relationship with God) forces us to do things, threatening us if we fail to perform. Freedom releases us from requirements and obligations (Rom. 8:1-4). This doesn't mean that God's nature has somehow shifted or that the morality defined by His nature has becomes obsolete. What it means is that God, out of His overwhelming love for us, has fulfilled the requirements of the Law on our behalf (Eph. 2:1-7). This not only means that we're free from the consequences of failure, but also that we're free to live like Christ. “Living like Christ” doesn't mean “conforming to a set of rules.” It means living in love, and it's IMPOSSIBLE to love out of fear or a sense of obligation (1st John 4:7-12, 18-19). Yes, God still wants us to walk in His steps (Eph. 2:8-10, Gal. 5:13-14), but the only reason we're CAPABLE of following Him is because we don't HAVE to walk in His steps in order to be eternally loved and accepted by Him. Our love is free – free to spring from genuine gratitude instead of from the anxiety which always flows from works-based religion. The Son has set us free, and we are free indeed (John 8:36).
Freedom to love and be loved. That's the point of Christianity. To quote John Piper's paraphrase of the Westminster Catechism: "The chief end of man is to glorify God BY enjoying Him forever." "Standards," whether high or low, are entirely beside the point.
if i could like this a thousand times, i would. thank you for your commitment to the truth.
Your sense of humor reminded me of "pride and prejudice" (the BOOK) and how the main character and her dad laughed at the follies of humanity. The humor is mostly lost in the movies.
Thanks for writing! This was very encouraging. :}
Oh my gosh (whoops, did I just use an euphenism for God?) this article is great. Thank you so much.
Enjoyed this thoroughly, JOsh.
My first ATI experience other than Knoxville was a 1993 counseling seminar in Indy. The first night, a girl got up and confessed that 1. She'd been taken aside and told that her clothes were inappropriate; 2. On the way there from the airport, she told a joke, and someone else in the van immediately said, "I can't take part in that." So, right from the start, I knew that this was a place where I had to watch my step. And I learned to watch it really well.
In later years, my sister and I often surprised people by being funny. We looked the part so well, and "the part" was that of sweetness and seriousness.
That said, I do remember some very funny times with other ATI students. There was a lot of laughter. But I always had to be careful, because I never knew when my humor would turn into "folly." It was my fear all those years that someone would say, "What you said isn't honoring to God and I can't take part in it."
Now I think, "Oh, lighten up, you little prig." I like to think that most of us have.
Great article... I laughed, I cried, it moved me, Bob. (Veggie Tales, anyone?) And I quoted you on FB.
Excellent article. So much emphasis was put on behavior patterns that we could never maintain. Can you imagine if we had all showed up at Knoxville ever year and heard Ms Aibileen from "The Help" tell us, "You is kind. You is smart. You is important.” We would have puffed up our skinny little chests, replied, "That's right I am!" and gone straight home to help our mothers organize the junk drawer without being asked. All we really needed was love and affirmation. And--shocker alert--that is exactly what we got from Jesus Christ, and his gift of salvation. I never remember going home from conferences feeling special. I felt convicted, motivated, determined, and inadequate--but never good, smart, amazing, or special. And after a couple weeks when my conviction and motivation and determination failed me--I felt defeated.
Well said...
Great points.
I'd like to know what was so wicked about "Denim material" or "dungarees" (haha) at Training centers.
To me, it seemed like yet another component of a complicated, elitist culture that tired to make members seem superior by ensuring that even the fabric of their casual wear was more formal than what "normal people" wore.
odd ducks welcome-i felt weird in ati and can really relate to this article. i felt out of the loop most of m time at indy and at conferences. where was the reality? thanks again!!!!
this is a truly fabulous article. perfectly captures how i felt for years in ati. i always felt so awkward at kville, like my navy/white wasn't navy and white enough. i felt compelled to raise my hand, or stand, or commit to whatever they said. failure to comply meant i wasn't worthy of God's notice; my prayers would go unheard. bad things would happen to people i love. and when things go sideways, it's somehow my fault. in a sense, i still feel this way. i've struggled for YEARS with the idea that God thinks of me, that my problems are worthy of His attention.
FTR, the last year i attended kville as a student, i wore open toed sandals, anklets, and no navy skirt. but i did wear a white polo. with a long yellow hippy skirt. and i did NOT sing in the stupid choir. seeing as how i had passed out the year before, my folks were like, "whatever, i don't care if you sing or not." and i'm pretty sure i skipped the student sessions. hah!
and dude, fart jokes are always funny. i have three brothers. i know this to be a fact. :)
Josh, I was there when you were fourteen or so years...and please forgive me for not taking that sweet, funny face in my hands and blessing you! I always loved your wit and intelligence. I remember you dancing in our kitchen and singing "I Went To the Enemy's Camp" and us all laughing so hard, we about fell in the floor. The biggest mistake that ATI made was that, through it all, it moved us farther and farther away from the cross of Christ and HIS WORK...and closer and closer to man's estimation of "goodness," which is yes, folly. The joy of the Lord is our strength. He uses it all, good and bad, to the good of His children. It is a happiness for us that we now understand so much more about the truth of God's Word and how it is truly Him that carries us, not our pitiful works.
Josh, I can't tell you how many times I burst out laughing while reading this article! You captured the ATI experience so perfectly! The sad part about ATI is how it promoted this "idealistic" picture of what a family "should look and act like" and yet no one could attain to it. The kids were smart enough to pick up on the hypocrisy of it all, and yet were trapped in the system, thus leaving them feeling inferior and insecure. It's sad that so many people were so sucked into the deception of it all.
[...] More insights from those coming out of Bill Gothard’s ATI program: [...]
I can completely see how you guys have struggled. I would like to let you know that the ATI of today is not the ATI that you describe. There are those that still try to look the part, but they are few and far between. Our kids are not perfect, not matching, they sometimes bicker, and they have friends outside the family, though those friends are also ATI. They, too, are not perfect, not matching, they sometimes bicker, and they have other friends outside their families. It certainly feels by the articles you post here that you are trying your hardest to bring Bill Gothard/ATI/IBLP down and "expose" them, thus closing the ministry. The ministry isn't perfect, and we don't worship BG. We don't take everything he says or prescribes as ultimate law. But we do see great value in much of the information shared today by the ministry. It will be a shame if you succeed in your quest to destroy it.
Dear ATI today. 20 years ago, I was saying the exact same thing. Bill Gothard is very proud of the fact that he never changes, and is consistent over time. His detractors "just don't like that" and "want to live in lasciviousness and his teachings convict them, and they probably watch porn and listen to rock music". Yeah, I used to make the same accusations once upon a time. Now that I'm older, looked back on my life, and have kids of my own, I realize how wrong he was. Funny thing is, he must think he's wrong too, because he does not live as he preaches. Or as I like to say it, he doesn't "eat what he cooks".
And if you do not take everything he says as the ultimate law, by his own teaching and practice you are in rebellion. If anything, he's gotten more dogmatic on this point over the years.
I think the biggest inconsistency is his teaching on "being teachable". He likes to talk about how we should have a "teachable spirit". He is about the least teachable person I know. Even (healthy) pastors of churches realize they need to go listen to other preachers, and when they say something in error, and it's pointed out to them, should listen. Gothard does not belive anything he says is error. Which means he must believe that he is a perfect person.
Read his testimony. He talks about being accused as a young man for "spiritual pride". Not only has he never truly repented of that, the pride has increased over the years, and he imparted it to an entire generation of people, including me. I cringe at the relationships I destroyed over the years because of that pride.
"Hi, my name is Patrick. Have you ever heard of Bill Gothard?. No? Well I guess we can't be friends, because you are spiritually immature.". Not my exact words of course, but definitely my attitude.
You may say "oh, that's just a few people who it didn't work out for". First, be aware that this website represents a (loosely) organized group of between 1000-2000 former students. Countless others read the website, and new emails pour in every day.
Second, even if that’s true, let me call your attention to a Bill Gothard quote from the Rock Music booklet.
“For those who claim good results from “Christian” rock music, ask “If a restaurant served wonderful food, but one in ten people got food poisoning, would the health department be impressed with the many glowing testimonials?”
I say to you, “For those who claim good results from “Bill Gothard / ATI” , ask “If a restaurant served wonderful food, but one in ten people got food poisoning, would the health department be impressed with the many glowing testimonials?”
Bill Gothard doesn’t even eat what he cooks. Why should we?
ATI Today, honest question: what percentage do you think the success rate for ATI is, in the sense of kids being raised in it who go on to raise their own kids in it? What would that success rate need to be in order to show ATI to have been a successful effort for the parents?
I would also be curious, again as an honest question, as to what you see as being the biggest difference between the ATI of today vs. the ATI that students experienced in the 80s and 90s?
ATI Today, I would encourage you to read the testimonies and realize that many have not yet shared their stories. I am one who has discussed the theology of IBLP ten ways from Sunday, but have not shared my personal testimony yet on this website.
After spending 19 years in ATI, I would agree that ATI has changed from the early days--the standards have been lowered. However, I came to realize that the actual poison is still present.
At the core of the values of IBLP and of the ATI system is that the person can obtain righteous standing before God and sanctification via compliance with a code of ethics. The cornerstone of the system is not the completed, received work of Jesus Christ and the sanctifying work of the Holy Spirit. "The measure of the spirituality of a person is the number of committments they have made."
We ATI students were also told that this system of principles was above Christianity and the results were available to even those of other religions--even if they miss heaven. Can you explain how this is compatible with Christianity? This was taught in the counselling seminars by Bill personally. Has Bill Gothard changed his mind on the principles? If not, it's still the same code of moralisms and is compatible with any religion. It would make a fine, beautiful, wide way, but it fails to be the one narrow way of Jesus Christ.
ATI today-
I'm not trying to bring down Bill Gothard. Someday he'll stand before God and give an account for everything he's ever done and God will be the final judge. I just have serious theological disagreements with his teachings. The best indicator of his teachings supposed truth is, by his own teaching, by their fruit it produces (Matthew 7:16).
It's been my experience that his teachings DO NOT produce fruit in people and families that is consistent to what the Bible describes as the fruit of the spirit (Gal. 5:22-23). I've seen that in my life, in my family, and in the THOUSANDS of individuals and families that this website represents.
Gothard himself teaches to "be a righteous judge". In a sense, we're following a bit of his own teaching and making a righteous discernment that his teaching is un-Biblical, theologically dangerous, emotionally & spiritually abusive, and unfruitful in producing genuine followers of Christ with a lasting impact on the world.
I encourage you to read through some of the articles that represent only a fraction of the stories from ex-ATI-ers. I can't speak for everyone, but with God as my witness and through His help and healing, I'm not bitter at all at B.G., ATI, or IBLP. What I write I write out of concern for the families and individuals still in ATI and hope and pray that God will open their eyes to the beauty of His grace and the hope of His redeeming love in spite of their weakness.
May God bless you and the truth of who He is shine in all of our hearts.
-Josh
I have a question for ATI Today. You say you see "great value in much of the information shared today by the ministry." I'd love it if you could elaborate on that and give some examples. What do you see or hear or experience that is of great value to you?
What a great story! And I love your sense of humor, truly god-give. I was already condemned at my first Gothard seminar...here according to Gothard are all my sins---
1. I wore pants with comfortable shoes (I hate dresses and most woman's shoes are not that)
2. no make-up (don't like make-up)hair not much better
3. already had college ed, with teacher's degree. (big oops)
4. married to some poor guy but did not want to have children-ever!!!
5. sense of humor
6. ability to think for myself and be able to disagree with anyone (yes, I disagree with God on many things, c'mon, menstruation??? yuck!!!! What we God thinking?)
7. owner of horses, cats and dogs (love to ride which according to Gothard he says girls who like horses are rebellious)
8. naturally rebellious
9. raised by Italian mom (second only to Jewish moms who are champeen at instilling guilt in their offspring- it worked, born in 1953, I knew I had started WW2.
10. several million other faults here too numerous to mention but you get the idea.
Major Sin according to God-(found this out after i had THAT BIG MEETING WITH GOD) lack of faith in God and in myself and lack of faith at being able to live who God made me to be (see former list!)
Humor...it is a difficult concept for Vulcans...... and Gothard...so is emotion.
I attended only one Mr. Bill seminar but got enough misinformation to really cause a lot of problems in my Christian growth. Among the many “deep truths” he revealed to us about God’s will for us was about resisting urges and emotions. The illustration he used was of a woman walking in front of a dead man. The dead man sees nothing, hears nothing, feels nothing. The dead man has absolutely no reaction to the woman in his presence. He implied strongly that is how God wants us to behave. I do not remember the scriptures he used and maybe I missed the true intent but what I got from that short discourse was that I should mask my emotions and feelings and not allow them to be part of my life. Trying to hide and bury all my emotions led to some very harsh emotional and mental difficulties. I became good at telling myself I felt nothing for my pets, I buried my artistic passions and of course, the anger and frustration of facing the daily battles of life all had to be left unexpressed. But they were there seething under the surface. There were times that Mt. Vesuvius just had to blow. And then the guilt, the failure, the nonsense ways of dealing with not being the “dead” to self as the great and perfect Mr. Bill had informed us we should be. I finally had to question why would God give us emotions if only to hide them or deny them.
Esbee, I was puzzled by that illustration for years, and experienced quite a bit of guilt and fear about it. I absolutely never understood how it was humanly possible to be dead to anything, as illustrated by that example. Funny, tho, that he would use the example of a man being dead to the presence of an (assumed unrelated) female. There's several stories on this blog about how Bill actually can't keep his own hands off of certain young ladies. (And no, a man doesn't have to touch the private parts of a woman in order to sexually harass her, or otherwise take advantage of her. I've been in the workforce, once upon a time there was a young man who could turn me on simply by looking at me, much less touching me. i.e. our arms brushing up against each other, him tapping me on the shoulder to get my attention, etc... I did not know until years later that that's what was going on with me, I was too young and stupid, but now, being married, I understand exactly what he'd been doing, and there's no way I'd put up with that again.) By all accounts, these other girls are saying basically the same kind of thing of BG. Based on my own personal experience, I'm very much inclined to believe them.
[...] promoted, our family was still pressured to conform to an ATI ideal. Now that we were part of ATI, we were obligated to become the picture of success with happy smiles, positive testimonies, and obedient children. And so legalism took [...]
I went to a video seminar held at the church I was attending at the time in the late 1990's. Bill was telling about the blond haired blue eyed young people dressed in blue and white that he was sending to Russia to make some sort of impact??? Being born in Germany and coming to the USA at the age of 5 and learning about what my family lived through in the 30's and 40's brought to mind the time when some else sent blond haired blue eyed young people to Russia.
The red flags went up in my mind at that time.