Talking about my family’s involvement in ATI & IBLP is something that is so incredibly difficult for me, mostly because my family refuses to talk about and would like to pretend that it never happened.
It wasn’t until I was 25 years old and found myself having panic attacks, intense feelings of shame, and anxiety, that I knew I needed to start talking and get support. I started meeting with a counselor and digging into the layers of spiritual and emotional abuse that the teachings of ATI helped propagate.
The panic attacks, shame, and anxiety seemingly came out of nowhere. I had been out of ATI for 10 years and had, as far as I knew, completely forgotten about it. In the years following ATI I had “rebelled” against Gothard as much as I knew how–I had toured and recorded with a rock band, I had grown out my hair and beard, I had gotten some tattoos and a liberal arts education. I had done the partying, the drinking, the smoking, the drugs, and the girls. I had traveled the world, been to the big cities, read all the books, seen all the movies, and tasted all the fares the world had to offer.
And then I met Jesus. Not the Jesus ATI, IBLP, and Gothard had described. The real Jesus. The Jesus from the Bible that hung out with prostitutes and tax collectors. The Jesus who loved the demoniacs and the crazies. The Jesus who confronted the Pharisees and comforted the widows. The Jesus who truly loved me–even with my tattoos and my long hair. The Jesus who knew the depths of my heart and the extent of my rebellion before I was even born and still stretched out His arms on a cross to die in my place.
I truly met Jesus in 2009 right after my parents (former devout ATI’ers) got divorced. In the years following, I got back in church, met my wife, started my career teaching high school, and playing church music. God was doing incredible things in my heart and in my life; opening up His Word and teaching me who He was.
And yet, there was a quiet belief underneath it all–a small but powerful remnant of the abusive teachings of ATI & IBLP.
The belief was this: “There is something HORRIBLY wrong with you. If people really knew who you were, they would NEVER love you. You should feel nothing but shame for every immoral thought and every rebellious act you have every committed. You’re working for a church, and you think you can possibly stand the chance of ever having a successful marriage? Just who do you think you are?”
These thoughts started a few months after my wife and I got married, and they became increasingly louder as I began volunteering doing youth work and teaching a class at my church. I felt so incredibly alone and so helpless. Whenever I would try to express how I was feeling to my wife or a close friend, I found myself unable to do it justice. Speaking these thoughts out loud sounded so ridiculous. But I honestly believed that they were right, and it was crippling me.
I struggled just going to sleep at night. I would often isolate myself emotionally from my wife and friends–insisting I was fine even when they knew something was up. I found myself wanting to turn back to a vice I had in my life before Christ: alcohol. Some nights it was all I could do to just keep my car from venturing off course and into the liquor store parking lot.
My response to the voices of shame and inadequacy was to somehow prove them wrong by doing more. I told myself that if I just read more scripture, got up earlier to pray, studied harder for the lessons to teach to the youth, and volunteered more of my time and energy that I would prove to myself and to God that I was worth something. That I was worthy of love and of the title “Christian” or even “Church Leader.”
And that’s when it began: heart palpitations that started small but grew increasingly stronger, a feeling that my chest was going to collapse and that my throat was closing up.
That’s when I broke down and finally told my wife, my pastor, and my friends what was going on. They were shocked but incredibly supportive, gentle, and compassionate. They recommended that I start seeing a counselor to work out some of the issues that were causing these false beliefs.
As God has led me on this journey of healing from wounds that were too deep for anyone but the Holy Spirit to reveal, I’ve had to do the very painful act of looking back at the false beliefs ATI instilled in me and confronting them with the freeing realities of the Jesus of the Bible.
Looking back as an adult, I understand why my parents joined ATI. Their life was a wreck, and there was a network of seemingly perfect families that offered them easy answers to some complicated issues. There was a very charismatic and manipulative leader that boiled all of life’s problems down to a few core causes and promised that if you followed those religiously, your life would be perfect.
When I was born, my dad was a seminary student home in Georgia on Christmas break. My mother was a former beauty queen from Louisiana that had fallen for my dad when she had come to buy a car from him. They dated long distance for three months before they got engaged and were pregnant with my brother by their honeymoon. Needless to say, they didn’t know each other very well before they were married, and all twenty six years of their dysfunctional marriage reminded us of that fact.
After seminary, my parents moved back to my dad’s hometown. Despite my mother’s dream of him pursuing the pastorate, my dad took the easy way out and starting selling cars again with the family business to support his wife and kids. My sister was born, and then there were three of us.
We were raised in church–my dad putting his seminary degree to use in some fashion as an elder and my mom coordinating the music. Church was like a second home to me as a child. We were there every time the doors were open and spent hours there during the week with both parents as they served. I was baptized when I was four and told my mother that I wanted to be a preacher someday. I would sit and listen to her sing and write my own hymns on the back of the church bulletins during service.
When I was eight, the idyllic world of church and hymns and Sunday school came crashing down around me because of a new word I had never heard before: adultery.
She was an advertising rep from Atlanta that my dad had worked with once. We were out of town with my mom visiting her family in Louisiana for Thanksgiving. It happened once I think, in my parent’s bed. I was eight, so I didn’t really know what sex was, but my mom was so irrational she told my brother and me through tears and clenched teeth on the living room sofa one morning in January.
After that, everything was different. Once our pastor caught wind of my dad’s affair, he asked us to leave the church. Friends, families, and the entire town–it seemed like everyone was in on our family’s shame. At eight, I didn’t understand how or why something so minor could absolutely destroy everything I had ever known. But it did.
My parents decided to stay together. And through some twisted logic spurned on by my mother’s hurt and my father’s shame, they decided the real problem with my father’s infidelity was that we weren’t religious enough. Enter the ever so convenient teachings of IBLP. The real root of my father’s problem was the television, so we sold it. Another root was the blatantly sexual rock n’ roll drum beats found in most popular music, even if it was “Christian.” So the tapes were burned. Our dress as a family communicated that we were “worldly,” due to our sinful shorts and sloppy jeans. So the dress code was changed in our household to include navy and white, plenty of khakis, skirts for the girls, and lots of collared shirts.
School became an evil place that would taint the innocence of my parent’s beloved children, leading them down the path of destruction towards sexual misconduct and debauchery (I was 8, my brother was 10), so the decision was made that we would be homeschooled, safe from the demonic influences of rock music and immoral living.
This continued on for the next seven years. My parents found a church in Atlanta that supported everything they believed (about an hour commute one way), and we joined ATI so that we could be provided with literature, materials, conferences, and events that would reinforce three core beliefs:
(1) The world was a terrible, evil, wicked place, and we were horrible people. Our only hope was to separate ourselves and create our own communities with our own standards and rules.
(2) We were the only true followers of God, and we had an edge on how He worked. If anything bad happened in our lives, it was probably because of something bad we had done. If anything good happened in our lives, it was probably because of something we had done. God was a power superstition. (NOTE: looking back, I have realized this is not Christianity at ALL. This is Moralistic Deism.)
(3) Since we were the world’s only hope, we should have as many children as possible and teach them to adhere to the same standards. My parents followed this last tenet by getting my mom a reversal surgery and having my two youngest siblings twelve years after they first had my brother.
Reading my story typed out on a computer screen makes it seem absolutely ridiculous. But the powerful, crippling effects of these teachings is something that I have had to work through as an adult, and I have had to continually seek out guidance from Godly men and women who have helped me walk through this.
Something I realize now is that the true Gospel teaches we can NEVER be good enough, and that’s the point. Christ does it all–drawing us closer to Himself, redeeming us through His blood, and regenerating our hearts through His Holy Spirit. Our shame has no place.
My counselor recently helped me define the difference between shame and guilt in this way:
Guilt says, “I’ve done something wrong.”
Shame says, “I am something wrong.” OR “There’s something wrong with me.”
To feel shame over who I am in Christ is to miss the glory of His all sufficient sacrifice. He paid it ALL. He has redeemed me and made me into something new. I can never make Him love me any more or any less than He already does. My works can never earn his affection.
I don’t know why God led me down this path. But I do know this: even when it’s hurt a lot and I couldn’t understand why, He never left me alone. His grace is all I need. Shame has no place. Fear has no place. At my redemption, the gates of Heaven were swung wide open and His sacrifice was all sufficient.
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Josh and his family were in ATI for 7 years, where he was involved in numerous Children's Institutes, Character First!, ALERT Cadets, and attended several Basic and Advanced Seminars. After leaving ATI, Josh spent time running from God until he realized resistance to the furious love of Jesus was futile. Happily married, he now teaches English and creative writing in a public high school and leads worship and writes music for his church.
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This is SUCH a good article. It expresses so much of what I have felt. I remember growing up feeling like there were two different versions of God. The version that I knew about from my own understanding of reading the Bible, and the version I heard about from adults in ATI. It was so confusing and frustrating for a child, and because of the SHAME you talked about I felt like the version I knew from the Bible must just be wishful thinking on my part. How could God really love me when I was so bad, no matter how hard I tried to be good?
Thanks for writing this. I am definitely going to refer people to this article in the future when I want them to understand a little bit more about my childhood. :D
I feel your pain because I share it. "Shame says there is something wrong with me." I've had this shame a long time, before I even became a Christian in 1977. In college I heard the Beatles song, "My Guiter Gently Weeps" say "You're crippled inside", and I knew that was me. Maybe that's why I was attracted to the teachings of Gothard. I didn't trust myself, even though I now had the Holy Spirit to teach me and guide me.
This issue of floating shame is a big one that I am just beginning to deal with. It must be the reason I've allowed contolling people to dominate me and hurt me. Because I don't feel worthy of respect.I am just reading "Boundaries; When to Say Yes.." by Cloud, and another book by Tim Kimmel on dealing with powerful personalities. Both of them address this shame issue.
Good article. I hope it helps many find help to heal in their souls.
"To feel shame over who I am in Christ is to miss the glory of His all sufficient sacrifice. He paid it ALL. He has redeemed me and made me into something new. I can never make Him love me any more or any less than He already does. My works can never earn his affection." What beautiful words! Thanks for sharing.
I agree. Beautiful!
You NAILED IT! I couldn't have described the motivations of the typical ATI home better!
I'm SO GLAD to hear you are now on the other side of so many lies!
A fellow traveler.
I appreciate your story and notice some similarities between yours and mine. Shame gets into the very tissue of our bodies and needs to be healed on so many levels. Thank you for sharing and I wish you continued peace on your healing journey.
Thank you for writing and sharing your journey with us. I, too, can relate to a deep struggle with shame. For so long it was an unnamed enemy, and like you, I sought to shut down its pain by 'trying harder'.
What relief to realize day by day that Jesus came because I can never try hard enough, be good enough or do enough. He already did it, and he did it ALL, for me to keep trying is to say that what He didn't wasn't enough!
Even though my invisible enemy of shame has been named and is no longer hiding behind anonymity and denial, it isn't gone and I am still practicing telling myself the truth.
The lyrics to this song have been very special to me, they remind me that Jesus *already took care of my shame* and that His life in me is what gives me freedom!
Stronger, by Hillsong
There is Love
That came for us
Humbled to a sinner’s cross
*You broke my shame and sinfulness*
You rose again victorious
Faithfulness none can deny
Through the storm
And through the fire
There is truth that sets me free
Jesus Christ who lives in me
You are stronger
You are stronger
Sin is broken
You have saved me
It is written
Christ is risen
Jesus You are Lord of all
No beginning and no end
You’re my hope and my defense
You came to seek and save the lost
You paid it all upon the cross
So let Your Name be lifted higher
Be lifted higher
Be lifted higher
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I found myself identifying with so much of it, though my family background was nothing like yours. I very much learned a works-based righteousness in ATI. And, my inability to measure up to every "standard", comply with every random scripture pulled out of context, have a good testimony 24/7, be an energy-taker, etc. left me feeling tremendous amounts of guilt and shame as well.
It wasn't until God reminded me that Jesus was my sin-bearer because I could NEVER measure up, that I was able to let the performance mentality go. And that's when His yoke became easy and His burden light.
Thanks for sharing your journey with us!
Thank you for writing this, it really hit home.
So grateful for your story and for your openness. I thought I was alone for so many years, that I was flawed because I wasn't trying hard enough (seems the word "trying" comes up often, does it not?). The verse RyanR mentioned from Matthew 11 about Christ's burden being easy and his yoke being light has been enigmatic to me in my post-ATI Christian life. And yet I'm convinced it's where I absolutely must go to find what God has for us in the Gospel. Thank you, Josh, for reminding us well that we don't have to do anything to earn God's approval. May we all enter that rest today!!
Thanks for sharing!
Jesus does what we cannot. Jesus paid what we could not. Jesus heals the broken and the hurting. I agree with you all in saying that I also felt the guilt, shame, self-condemnation, and despair.
The answer is that Jesus justifies us, sanctifies us, and makes provision for us.
If our faith is not resting entirely on Jesus, then we are placing it apart from God's intended resting place. It's all about Jesus.
I noticed something in this testimony. When we find ourselves changing our lives so we can be around only those who support our ideals, thinking, convictions, standards, etc., we should be careful. We might be heading down a side street. We might be pursuing isolationism. It remains important to be able to hear people with differing perspectives within the wider body of Christ. Isolationism does not produce godliness.
God is love, and to desire to live under the oppressing nature of the Mosaic law which brings death is to miss (or reject) the meaning of the new covenant of Jesus blood!
Jesus sacrifice being found acceptable provides us an open way into the BETTER covenant, BETTER promises, and our perfect high priest in Jesus Christ! We receive Jesus who has made Himself available the only effectual, redemtive sacrifice. We desire not things appearing to have a shew of wisdom but rather He who IS WISDOM--He, who having been presented and found acceptable, received by the Father in glory. This is Jesus who stands and makes intercession for us!
Jesus' redeeming sacrifice has been found to be BETTER than the things spoken of righteous Able.
Hebrews 8:7-13
8 For if that first covenant had been faultless, then no place would have been sought for a second. 8 Because finding fault with them, He says: “Behold, the days are coming, says the Lord, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah— 9 not according to the covenant that I made with their fathers in the day when I took them by the hand to lead them out of the land of Egypt; because they did not continue in My covenant, and I disregarded them, says the Lord. 10 For this is the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, says the Lord: I will put My laws in their mind and write them on their hearts; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people. 11 None of them shall teach his neighbor, and none his brother, saying, ‘Know the Lord,’ for all shall know Me, from the least of them to the greatest of them. 12 For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their lawless deeds[b] I will remember no more.”[c]
13 In that He says, “A new covenant,” He has made the first obsolete. Now what is becoming obsolete and growing old is ready to vanish away.
I am so thankful our family only had a little touch of ATI. We almost got sucked into the vortex of ATI, but it just didn't sit right with us. We thought some of the teaching seemed good, but saw how legalistic and damaging it was and had the potential to be. I am truly sorry for the generation of people that have been so severely damaged by the teaching. I think the thing that bothered my husband and I the most is it seemed like Jesus and the Bible wasn't enough. It was Jesus plus all the "principles". Never sat right with us. And another thing we couldn't get over is the big push that any music other than hymns, was evil. How could all the music of earth history be bad EXCEPT for the hymns? Doesn't make any sense at all!
"How could all the music of the earth history be bad EXCEPT for hymns?" Sounds just like 'how can any Bible translation be correct except the King James?' ATI is a firm supporter of "King James Only". Poor Jesus. He spoke and quoted the Scriptures in Aramaic & Hebrew so he must not have been 'authentic'. (Sarcasm intended.)
Excellent, Excellent article!!!
Thank you so much for posting this article! This dealt with something I have been struggling with for a long time, and you just nailed it at the end.
The last two paragraphs made me cry. The significance of Christ loving me despite my sinful nature and freeing me from the shame of that was just overwhelming. Praise the Lord!
thankyou for sharing your story.
God needs us to be humble enough to share our stories not only for other christians to be encouraged that they are not suffering hardships alone but to non christians, to see that although we choose to live by Gods standard and fail, we have the confidence to know we are forgiven and keep going and the witness is that we can do this with joy.
correct me if I am wrong but regarding all songs except old hymns being sinful...i think i recall reading somewhere that some tunes and melodies of the old hymns were one time had different words and were sung in bars and other sinful places.
Thank you so much for this article.
You may know this song well and I hope it is not linked to bad memories in anyone but I have found it really helpful.
'Not the labours of my hands
Could fulfil your laws demands
Could my zeal no respite know
Could my tears forever flow
All for sin could not atone
You must save and you alone.
Nothing in my hand I bring
Simply to your cross I cling
Naked come to you for dress
Helpless look to you for grace.'
'My rock, my rock, my Jesus - my rock.'
This resonates on many levels.
Thanks for sharing and please keep writing!