After being in ATI for 10 years and now out for the last 13 years, I am finding the need to say some things to our oldest daughter. She was our “guinea pig,” the one from whom we learned the most and the one upon whom we tried the most. She was with us from start to finish through those ten ATI years, with seven of her eight siblings coming along during that time. She was the one who became my second pair of hands, the "other mommy," and even my substitute teacher from time to time. She was the one allowed to help with Children's Institutes and to attend a Counseling seminar at the training center in Indianapolis. She was also the one who inspired her father to think about whether this program was the best one for our family. She was diagnosed with AML (Acute Myelogenous Leukemia) in July 2006 at the age of 25, and she went home to be with the Lord on September 10, 2007. If I still had her with me today, these are some of the things I would say to her...
Dear one,
I am sorry for all the mistakes I made along the way. I looked to a program to validate what we believed we should do for our children by home educating them. I was more concerned about finishing the “race” (all the required booklets) and having good reports to send off to Headquarters, than I was about how the “race” was run.
~ I am sorry that I caused you to question things in your life that were normal and that I asked you to suppress your emotions and interests in the name of serving our family and keeping Mr. Gothard happy.
~ I am sorry that you felt you had to run everything through the grid of “why did God let it happen.” It caused you much worry and anxiety, especially as a young adult.
~ I am sorry that I destroyed by fire many of your childhood toys, toys that were given to you in love by relatives and by us. I cannot believe that I bought the whole idea that they were demon-possessed because they didn’t fit some standard set up by the leadership of ATI.
~ I am sorry that you were reprimanded at a Children’s Seminar because I failed to add WHITE to the navy blue suit I lovingly handmade for you.
~ I am sorry that you were asked not to sing so loudly by other young women at the Knoxville training session when you were part of the big choir of students. Rather than allow you to make a joyful noise, you were silenced.
~ I am sorry that I insisted that you sing Matthew 7 by memory with me at one of our church fellowships when you really didn’t want to do that.
~ I am sorry that I placed a man’s interpretations of Scripture above all else. I just wanted to have good kids and a happy family and to live happily ever after.
~ I am sorry that I missed the true meaning of grace and instead worked to gain God’s and Headquarters’s approval by getting through all eight wisdom booklets each year, memorizing enough verses, and creating enough minute booklets. You were a teenager at that time, attending seminars and trying to find some way to get enough money together to attend the training institutes.
~ I am sorry I insisted that you wear dresses and skirts throughout your childhood and didn’t just let you be a little girl, running through the hay fields in your blue jeans and t-shirts.
~ I am sorry that I expected you to be mature beyond your years and asked you to help all the time with the little babies that came along.
~ I am sorry that your academic education was lacking, although I knew you were very intelligent and could accomplish so much. I was too busy having babies, nursing babies, and teaching phonics to consider what would be best for you.
~ I am sorry that at times my discipline was too harsh–not so much physically but verbally–as I demanded adult-like behavior from you during your childhood years.
~ I am sorry that we did not allow you to listen to good music even if it didn’t abide by the Institute’s standards.
~ I am sorry that I lived by the standard, “Others may, but we will not,” without thought for individuality within our family.
~ I am sorry that I taught you more character quality definitions and knew more about the manuals and booklets that IBLP published than I did about God’s Word.
~ I am sorry that your dear friend was destroyed spiritually–at least at this point in time–after working at one of the training centers.
But precious daughter,
~ I am thankful that you became discontent when our family did not have enough money to send you off as an apprenticeship student to some training center far, far away. This discontentment caused your father and me to question whether we should really be a part of this program.
~ I am thankful that you began to question the anxiety you felt when not everything made sense, and you could not find out why God let it happen.
~ I am thankful that you got tired of the grids, the charts, the numerous steps, the countless reasons, qualities, and so forth.
~ I am thankful that you owned your own faith.
~ I am thankful that God’s Word became precious to you and that you learned its ways and its truths.
~ I am thankful that your were more than the oldest child in our family, ruling over the rest of the children. You loved them and shared with them and gave your life to them and they love you!
~ I am thankful that you found the ability to forgive me, to love me, to become one of my dearest friends, and to develop good plans for your own life, including your marriage and your own little son.
~ I am thankful that you chose to live your life to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever.
~ I am thankful that you were more than an experiment for your father and me. You were our blessed firstborn, our joy, our beloved one.
The problem is, dear child, I cannot say these many words to you today because you are no longer here with us. You have gone to be with the Lord after losing your battle with leukemia. You are complete and you know what I cannot know at this time.
Thank you for being our precious daughter who knew Christ in spite of our errors and misjudgments. Thank you for allowing me the privilege of being with you all those long days in the hospital. Thank you for letting me serve you as you served our family for many years. Thank you for the precious memories I can have today because you were part of my life.
– Your mother
P.S. For those of you parents who may be reading this, please consider whether there is something you should say to your kids before it may be too late. One way or another, death will separate you for a time…if not for eternity.
Anita Martin is a married mother of nine children. She is learning daily what grace means in her life and realizing that the Lord and His Word--not a program--are her sufficiency and guide in all ways. She enjoys teaching their three remaining sons at home, while four of their children are students at College of the Ozarks in Point Lookout, MO. Anita and her husband, Steve enjoy two grandchildren, one of whom is the blessing her daughter left behind. She seeks to live humbly before the Lord whose grace never ceases to amaze her.
July 31, 2024
Thank you for sharing your precious letter with us.
That was beautifully written, I'm so sorry for your loss. Kids always know when their parents are trying their best, and I'm sure your daughter knows that.
Your letter makes me miss your daughter, even though I never knew her. Thanks for sharing such pain and joy.
Oh wow, that's so beautiful and poignant. Interesting to read after my own chaotic experience of Mother's Day yesterday.
This was so beautiful. I cried all the way through it. As a mother, it really makes me think about what will have really mattered when it's all been said and done. ((hugs)) to you, Anita. You sound like an awesome mother and I'm sure your daughter knew that.
Marvelous Anita. Thanks for sharing.
What an incredible letter. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss! Thanks so much for sharing this, it has meant a lot to me, even though I can't quite put it into words.
This really touched me! The tears are rolling down my cheeks..it was very meaningful to read the feelings and emotions of a Mother's heart. Thank you for sharing!
I cried at the first "I am sorry". Thank you for being an example of love and grace and of a parent that has learned to place your children before the high demands of of a perfectionism program. Thank you for the humility you share with all of us in your words. I'm so sorry for your loss, but so grateful to be allowed to share in seeing where the grace of Jesus has restored your heart. Your children and grand children are blessed to have you in their lives.
Wow....that is the most touching letter I have seen in my life....
Agreed. How beautiful! Thank you for sharing it with us.
Thank You for being willing to share your heart with us here.
I pray that many other parents who went into ATI with only the best of intentions might read this and consider again how much good their own children actually found in Gothard's "New Way of Life."
That was beautiful! Thank you for sharing!
This article made me cry. This is what my heart longs to hear from my own parents, (I was also the oldest child, nine younger siblings whom I helped raise, and my own needs and education were grossly neglected) but I still, all these years later, find myself in the position of being a "parent" to them and my siblings, taking too large a share of responsibility, trying to protect everyone in my family and smooth things over. I recently realized that I am still trying to protect my parents... but in fact, right now I am trying to protect them from me. From my anger at them. From my pain. Because I know it would hurt them, and I don't want to hurt them. I am trying to shield them from the pain and anger inside me as a result of their actions and decisions during my later childhood and teen years. Because I am not sure they could handle it. So our relationship stays fairly shallow, and I don't call them very often... because the pain is just below the surface, and it it so hard to keep it from brimming over onto them whenever I talk to them. I will be starting some counseling soon, and hoping I can work through all this pain... but someday, someday, I dream of hearing words like yours, Anita, from my own parents.
Melody,
I am so very sorry for all you lost as a child and teen. I know you were helping to raise children while you were only a child yourself. I know, because it was what happened to my own daughters'. I struggled tremendously because they were the only help I had and could not have done it without their help, just like your mom. Yet they were just children too, and my time and attention was so busy with a multitude of necessities from homeschooling a large family. I struggled to give my older girls the attention I felt they needed.
Turning to ATI, they only gave me an example of some lady who spent her whole pregnancy in bed while her children cared for her and forwent any academic studies that year. They portrayed it as being from God and how God blessed the children in this. I struggled because I felt this was messed up thinking and was not a life for a child. My daughters were just children/teens themselves and this was not the life I pictured for them, or desired to give them. I felt like I was following someone else's (ATI) set of rules and trying to prove to the world they worked. Well they weren't working.
I desperately love all of my children and am grateful for the blessing of each of them. But in biblical times there were servants and even several wives, and it was a different era. I had gotten into ATI because we were homeschooling and we were led to believe it was a program that would be of great benefit to our children and family. What I got was not what I signed up for, not by a long shot. I found myself in bondage to many beliefs I had been slowly indoctrinated with. I was full of fear in practically every direction. Disagreeing with BG/ATI only left me confused and fearful. It would however, be the beginning of the road out of the cult. Unfortunately, the damaging, paranoid belief system, the attempt to implement twisted scriptures, all of it had already been planted in my mind. The long road to break out of bondage would be confusing and difficult. It would be a road where we would lose many of whom we thought were friends and it would take its toll on our family. Our beautiful little family had endured so much because of the teachings of this cult. Please try to forgive your parents and stay available for when they need you. For they WILL need you. The legalistic belief system they adhere to is false.
The work you put in to heal will be a stable force when they, or perhaps your siblings, try to escape the cult. You are strong and courageous. You have risen above false, erroneous teachings and are thinking for yourself. That is the beginning. May God bless you abundantly.
Thank you for sharing your heart gripping story and for the transparency that you showed. I know it couldn't have been easy to relive this in your mind. I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I cannot even begin to understand your grief.
I barely started reading before the tears began. I, too, am a recovering parent who has many regrets and is so sorry for many of the same things that you shared in your story. Even though I've been in the recovery process for several years now, I still experience great sorrow when I remember how I used to do things.
Again, thank you for sharing your story. I know God is going to use it to help many because He already is.
Mrs. Martin, thank you. Thank you for sharing these with others who are hurting and recovering. I admired your daughter and I admire you.
I cried all the way through this letter. Thank you so much for sharing it with all of us. It really means alot to have you parents stand up with us.
Anita,
That was an amazing piece of writing, beautifully crafted and very poignant. I suspect that it will minister grace and healing to parents and children alike. I remember your daughter's journey as she shared it through her blog and in the pages of HSA. She touched a lot of lives, people she never even met, including my own. I think you have done the same with what you have written.
Blessings,
Jim K.
I started crying just reading your intro. Thank your for sharing this with all of us. You are one brave momma! I am sure your daughter would be so proud of where you are at today. I sure am! I am the oldest daughter of eight and your letter sounds like some of the letters my mom has written me. Hugs to you.
Tears. Thank you so much for sharing this. I wish my parents had such a heart for me.
How heartbreaking to know that there are many children who had to endure this twisted teaching. My prayer for you men, Stephen and Matthew and others who were similarly affected is that your parents would have such a heart for you. God bless you both, and may you find comfort in the One who loves you with an everlasting love and may He give you beauty for the ashes of your youth.
I wish every parent from ATIA would read this. It is something that I wish I could hear. It makes me sad to think of all the things I missed. Dang. What a great letter.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Thank you, THANK YOU for sharing with us though. God bless you.
My regrets, too.
My Daughter recently shared that she wished she could have played soccer on a team as a girl, but insead she was changing diapers and cooking for me. After my last two children were born, I was so drained physically that my two oldest daughters basically ran the household. And though my older children have all gone to college, they are still weak on basic skills like spelling.
Thank God for His grace to recover relationships. I'll never regret having any of my children. I'm thankful for each one, but I am sorry for all the things we imposed on our children, and the separation from their grandparents (who were not "godly") during our ATI years.
I can totally see this beautiful mother crying as she writes each painful word. I pray that many, many mothers read this and start to search their heart and stop and think how they are treating their children. I know I will be...
Thank you so much for sharing this! It will most definitely touch any heart that reads it.
Oh goodness, this brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for sharing. <3
Thank you SO MUCH! Even after years of healing, reading what you wrote has me wanting to cry.
The one that hit closest to home for me: "I am sorry that I insisted that you sing Matthew 7 by memory with me at one of our church fellowships when you really didn’t want to do that." My siblings and I generally had to be overdressed and recite in front of some group Luke 2 every Christmas. I was self conscious and loathed it. It made every Christmas party, service, and carolling trip nerve wracking, waiting to see if we'd have to 'perform'...
Thanks so much for acknowledging a greater, better truth in parenting!!!!
Thank you for your courage - praying about sharing this with my parents. My childhood/teenage years are lost, but I have two younger brothers I'd love to see raised differently than I was and come to know the LOVE of Jesus instead of the teachings of ATI/BG.
Most RG articles make me angry or upset by bringing back memories or turning up haunting new truths, but this is the first RG article that made me cry.
I wish so much that my mother would write something like this for me... even after I'm dead.
Thank you.
Thankyou so much for sharing this.
ATC, Bristol, UK.
[...] To My Daughter: [...]
WOW! I couldn't believe it when I read this. I followed your daughter's story through her blog. I will never forget her testimony. I would love to have known her. There is obviously a genuineness about your faith that you imparted to her and you taught her to love her God. If I can accomplish that one thing alone then I will have succeeded. To love God! What we do and say, how we react to life's circumstances, if our motivation is a true love for God then we will ultimately not fail because it is His grace that keeps us and smooths out all the roughness, and blesses us abundantly even in our failure. I loved you daughter through the web and can't wait to meet all of you someday.
Anita, this was beautifully written and brought tears to my eyes. Your daughter was truly blessed to have such a wonderful mother like you.
What a great post! I cried all the way through. I have told my son many of these things, but I think I might just write him a letter. I lost my mom when I was sixteen, but I am glad that we will be able to spend eternity with our loved ones. I just pray that my son will soon learn of the grace of God that I thought I taught him but was so mixed up in legalism that the message didn't come through clearly.
[...] To My Daughter (link) [...]
I'm a 21 year old male and I haven't been able to cry in years, I cried reading this. Honestly, this is all I've ever wanted to hear from my parents.
That is so beautiful! What a precious daughter you were blessed with. I am sure you must miss her physical presence so much and that you look forward all the more to meeting her one day! What a day that will be!
I am so thankful you were able to write this so that other, less fortunate former ATI students could know you represent many parents who so desperately wish we had gone a different route with our precious children. I pray that they too will receive this validation from their parents, but meanwhile may they feel validated from us who wish we could give them a hug and cry with them because we know how much it must hurt. May God be gracious to them and heal their hurts.
I am so grateful our adult children have forgiven our choice and forgiven us. I know they are years neither they or we can ever get back. However, God has promised to restore the years the locusts have eaten. I cling to that!
My heart aches for all the young adults on this site who long for their parents to realize how much their hearts have been damaged through the teaching of legalism and the feeling of never measuring up. I encourage all of you to read the book called "Tired of trying to measure up" by Jeff VanVonderen. As a parent who was not in ATI but as a homeschooler was impacted by it in many negative ways, I have gone back to apologize to my adult children for always putting unreasonable pressure on them to "look good" when they were growing up. Jesus wants to heal your broken hearts and he can because he is the mighty counselor. He can heal your broken hearts even if your parents never acknowledge what they did to hurt you. It is very important that you choose to forgive them even if they don't apologize. True forgiveness means no longer holding them accountable for the pain they caused you. Recognize the hurt and pain and then give it to the Lord Jesus in exchange for His amazing grace. This truth has set my heart free!