The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, Chapter 8: Revictimizing Victims

We continue our Thursday series blogging through “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.” The first post in the series is here.

Chapter 8 concludes part 1 of the book which has focused on abusive systems and the victims. We have found that abusive systems can look attractive to spiritually hungry people and that the main component of spiritually abusive systems is power which is postured rather true spiritual power being demonstrated. This chapter shows how abusive systems reabuse victims.

It is a devastating re-abuse of victims when a code of silence over the wounds they have experienced is enforced by a misuse of God’s Word, the very source of truth. This chapter unmasks some powerful unwritten rules that sometimes cause re-abuse of folks who try to move towards healing. This chapter really spoke to me and I’m breaking the summary into two parts. We will just take the first two sections of the chapter this week.

Never Resist (turn the other cheek)
I found the discussion here thought-provoking; it opened a new view of Matthew 5:38-40 for me. This passage is used by some to convince victims of abuse to continue suffering ever more abuse, without resistance. However,  the foil against which Jesus presents teachings about how to live in his kingdom was the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees: “I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:20).  The original spirit of “an eye for an eye” was that a person not go beyond justice to excessive revenge; they were limited to an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.

The authors here assert that the Pharisees, from their position of power and affluence, used the Law in the spirit of making sure they exacted every bit of retribution they could against the already weary and oppressed sheep of Israel. The slap Jesus was referring to was the backhanded slap of disrespect (the story of Paul being slapped in Acts 23:2-3 comes to my mind). This was not a reference to physical violence but to disrespect. Against the hypocritical “righteousness” of the Pharisees, those leaders in power who tolerated no disrespect, Jesus said they should tolerate even more disrespect rather than exact vengeance for the slap. An honest Pharisee would find himself saying, “I can’t do that,” finding himself at a place of being poor in spirit, ready to receive the gift of entrance into Jesus’ kingdom.

Wives, Submit – Even if it Kills You
Charlotte is a wife who was in a physically abusive relationship and finally expressed to church leaders her fear for the family’s physical safety. The leaders used 1 Peter 2:13-15 to instruct her that a “godly response to suffering” would mean returning to her husband and submitting to him, even if he were to kill her. They believed that she would leave a heritage to her children with this “godly response” and that if her husband did kill her, that even if she were to die, God could use her death to draw the abusive husband to himself.

You can read their full treatment of this on pages 97-100. Here are the highlights:

• This “submit to everything” teaching is a blend of Peter’s instructions to wives with his instructions to slaves. It may tell us something about some people’s view of wives that they blend these teachings so seamlessly. (Also note verse 3 where husbands are instructed to live with their wives in an understanding way)
• Peter and the author of Hebrews instruct us that authorities are against those who do wrong, not those who do right. Who is the wrongdoer: the abuser or the victim?
• It is not wrong to report a crime; in fact, the wrong response might be to stay quiet about a crime, regardless of whether one stays in or leaves the relationship.
• The heritage that is left by moms who tolerate abuse may well be sons and daughters who grow up to continue the cycle. This is not a godly heritage

“Abusers are made, not born”  (p. 100, with reference to a study that 85% of abusive men grew up in abusive homes). The heritage left by an abusive home is likely going to be more abusive homes as the kids grow up and repeat what they learned.

Personal Interaction

This chapter was the hardest for me so far. As a kid, I searched and searched the Bible, looking for an escape from the “Wives, submit – even if it kills you” mentality. I constantly came back to 1 Peter and believed that God was calling wives to submit to abuse. Even thinking about it now, I feel claustrophobic. I will be dangerously transparent and admit that I suspect that internally, part of my drive to earn a counseling degree stems from an internal need to come up with an answer that would have worked for me when I was younger, as if I could take that answer back in time and give it to my younger self and fix something. More could be said. I highly recommend the book “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend for dealing with similar issues. I have chosen to take this chapter in 2 bites, partly because of how it hit me, and partly because I think this material may be particularly relevant to many of us. This chapter has a lot of good stuff for us recovering Gothardites.

I find Paul’s instructions to Titus and Timothy about church leaders meaningful in addressing the issue of overbearing parents and spouses. God’s Word says that church leaders are to be “not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome” (1 Tim 3:3), “not overbearing, not quick-tempered” (Titus 1:6). I was taught, based on Gothard’s hammer and chisel diagram, that no matter what a parent says or does, even if it’s wrong and abusive, it still must be received as from God, because it is God knocking the rough edges off, preparing the “diamond.” Can God use abusive people to make me a better person? Yes, of course, God brings good out of all sorts of bad things. But that doesn’t excuse their bad behavior, and in the case that such a parent is involved in church leadership, they disqualify themselves by being overbearing and abusive. The Matthew 18 process sometimes needs to be followed in dealing with abusive parents. For some reason, some people seem to think that process, and the accompanying aid of church leaders, is suspended behind the front door of the home. If the parents persist in the sin of abuse, church leaders have a responsibility to address that.

If you are interested in reading more, I suggest the paper “Sabotaged Submission”  and the article “Helping the Perpetrators of Domestic Violence” . Even though this second article specifically only names physical violence, I believe the description of the self-deception and the “fog of confusion and evasion” is insightful and helpful for many situations where the abuse is verbal and emotional.

Finally, a point about the kingdom of Jesus. He talked about how the first shall be last, that leaders of this world lord it over those under them, and that if you want to be great in his kingdom you should learn to be a servant. When a church or a family functions internally with a structure of power that emphasizes the power of those in charge over those who are underneath, this is missing the point of the kingdom Jesus was talking about. This does not mean that there is no such thing as authority in the church or home because Scripture says there is. But when the shape of that authority looks like lording it over others, such as the hammer and chisel diagram has been used to justify, then the authority is being shaped like politics of this world, not the shape of Jesus’ kingdom.

Questions for Discussion

Good quotes:

The legalist will always want to see another punished, or made to perform, as a compensation for weakness or sin. (p. 97)

Abusers are made, not born… In a family where violence is observed by the children, but not addressed in a healthy way, little boys and girls learn perverted views of how men and women are to relate to each other.  (p. 100)

(Click here to go on to Chapter 9)