The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, Chapter 8: Revictimizing Victims
We continue our Thursday series blogging through “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.” The first post in the series is here.
It is a devastating re-abuse of victims when a code of silence over the wounds they have experienced is enforced by a misuse of God’s Word, the very source of truth. This chapter unmasks some powerful unwritten rules that sometimes cause re-abuse of folks who try to move towards healing. Last week we looked at two of those unwritten rules: 1) Never resist, and 2) Wives, submit — even if it kills you. This week we pick up the concluding three unwritten rules at work in spiritually abusive systems.
Just Forgive
These three pages of discussion (pp. 100-102) are worth the price of the book. From Matthew 18, the authors consider the “seventy times seven” teaching in the context of some verses prior to this, that they should let an unrepentant sinner be to them as a Gentile or tax collector.
1) Forgiveness is not sweeping problems under the rug. Some leaders will accuse anyone who notices a problem of having an “unforgiving spirit” or a “root of bitterness.” Coercing someone into silence or covering up someone’s hurt is not forgiveness.
2) Peter’s question was more about being the greatest than about forgiveness per se. (If I forgive a whole bunch, will I be better than those who forgive just the normal number of times?) Jesus’ answer: the righteousness of his kingdom requires forgiving from the heart. Once again, we are brought to a place of being poor in spirit when we realize we are unable on our own, apart from Jesus, to truly forgive from the heart.
3) It seems possible to forgive someone and still keep a safe distance from them. Treating someone as a tax-gatherer would mean realizing that this person is a traitor and is not to be trusted. It is not that you banish them until you decide to unbanish them, it is that you acknowledge the reality that they are unsafe until they choose to change.
4) Can we forgive an unrepentant person? Luke 17:3 says, “if he repents, forgive him.” Does God forgive unrepentant people? Should we? This question gets complicated.
5) Forgiveness from the heart is more important than the outward appearance of forgiveness. Forgiveness from the heart comes from Jesus, not from self effort.
Question for discussion: What is the difference between forgiveness that is “from the heart” versus covering up abuse?
Never Appeal to Secular Authorities: at the very least, there is a difference between civil and criminal court. Paul forbade Christians to sue each other over civil disagreements (1 Corinthians 6) but when a person is criminally abusive they ought to face the law (Romans 13).
Never Deal with the Past: Paul was talking about his past religious accomplishments, his trophy shelf, when he said “But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:13-14) There is nothing in the context to suggest sweeping abuse under the rug.
In contrast to these rules of abusive systems, in Matthew 12:15-21 Jesus healed those who were brought to him that were ill and brought justice for outsiders. In the NASB, Matthew 12:20 says:
A battered reed He will not break off,
And a smoldering wick He will not put out.
Questions for Discussion: What do you think of the list of unwritten rules? Are there any that you would add or remove? Have you experienced or witnessed any of these rules in action?
Personal Interaction
I had a terrible time as a kid, essentially confusing forgiveness with enabling. As long as someone in authority says they are sorry, you have to forgive them and pretend nothing ever happened, even though you know the same thing is going to happen again tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. I literally breathed a deep sigh of relief when I read this section on forgiveness. In past years, I have read a number of books and articles about forgiveness. “As We Forgive” is about the genocide in Rwanda, something a thousand times worse than most of us can imagine. It touched me deeply with a sense of what real forgiveness is about, and also addressed the issue of when an offender refuses to acknowledge their offense. Lewis Smedes has recorded some profound wisdom about forgiveness. Theologian Miroslav Volf experienced abuse as a political/military prisoner in Yugoslavia. “Captain G” was very good at psychological abuse and Volf writes courageously about his struggle with how to remember and think about what he endured in “The End of Memory”. A book not specifically about forgiveness but about soul care is Robert Kellemen’s “Beyond the Suffering.”
All of those books have been helpful to me, but the discussion in Subtle Power about the interaction of forgiving “70 times 7” but also acknowledging that someone is not a safe person for you, in the spirit of church discipline, which is always in the spirit of truth in love with a hope for restoration, and that to acknowledge the truth of their choices is to put some distance — that resonates with me. I should reject both options of being bitter and of being an enabler of abuse. How about you? Any lessons or experiences to share with us about forgiveness?
Good Quotes
Are you feeling like a battered reed? God is for you, to make you straight and strong once again. Are you a smoldering wick? His Spirit is yours, to fan your broken heart to a passionate flame toward Him and others. God will not throw us out if we are broken. (p. 104)
God does not have a problem with our pain, or with our process of coming to spiritual health. In 2 Corinthians 7, Paul himself admits to exhaustion, fear, and depression. But he also rejoices in “God, who comforts the depressed” (v. 7) (p. 104)
Forgiveness seems to be a very sensitive topic to ATI-ers, especially ex-ATI-ers. I think possibly because many of us have/had the false ideas of what forgiveness is...and many have been judged for "lack of forgiveness" when attempting to heal, find help, or work through painful pasts.
I'd be interested to hear what others think about this.
The beliefs about authority in the Gothard organization, I believe, cause a sense of denial in abusive situations.I've learned the hard way that we cannot forgive when we are in denial. The stance that our authorities have our best interests at heart does not account for selfishness on their part. I buried a lot of emotions during my years that I had attended those seminars searching for answers.Instead of answers, I became a kind of emotional zombie with episodes of panic and anxiety.You can't forgive someone when you're never allowed to acknowledge how devastating their behaviour was/is.
It can be a surprising but important insight about forgiveness, that to forgive someone in fact implies they did something wrong. A person who did nothing wrong has no need for forgiveness. A person who accepts forgiveness admits they were wrong. In our own heart, when we offer it, we push aside their excuses and denials to admit to ourselves that the person did mistreat us and did hurt us, and we choose to forgive them for it.
While I agree with Matthew that forgiveness requires the acknowledgement that you were wronged, we also have to come to terms with the fact that forgiveness can't be based solely on emotion. Often times feelings follow the choice.
While it is totally normal to feel hurt and struggle with anger, but we shouldn't stay angry with the person. When we choose to truly forgive we are also choosing not to remember(in other words dwell on)what was done to us.
This doesn't not mean we will forget or that we won't have issues that we have to work through as a result of whatever happened! It just means that we will no longer focus on the person but instead on the problem.