Over the last few weeks, I’ve felt compelled to write down my experience with the Advanced Training Institute (ATI) and the Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP). I think this desire comes from the fact that I want to show that the effects of Gothardism are not always as drastic as one may be led to believe. So perhaps I should title this testimony as: “How Gothard did not ruin my life, and how solid doctrine helped.”
Let me begin by explaining my childhood. I was raised in a God-fearing home. I was used to my family being seen as “the perfect homeschooling family.” We attended a local Nazarene church, and my parents were very careful to raise us in the ways of the Lord.
From a very young age (as early as 8), I struggled with lust and anger in my life. At the same time, I was also gifted by God with a very sensitive conscience. As taught in church, I believed that any violation of God’s law would cause me to be “unsaved” and in danger of hellfire until I repented and asked God for His forgiveness. This sparked a cycle of sinning—repenting—sinning that would haunt me for years. If I took a second glance at a magazine in the store — time to say a prayer. If I yelled at my sisters — time to say a prayer. Everywhere I went was temptation; everywhere I went, I prayed.
The side effect of all this was that I would constantly feel guilty. I was totally incapable of discerning what I should be guilty about and what was just my hyper-sensitive heart going wild. I distinctly remember feeling guilty about things like not vacuuming the floor properly, or not using clean enough water to wash the dishes. Looking back at it now, it was a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Every action I took, every moment of the day, was constantly being compared to scripture in my mind, and I was falling short.
Then my parents rediscovered the teachings of Bill Gothard. They had attended a Basic Seminar back in the ’70s but in the ’90s decided to go again. Being about 13 at the time, I went with them, and I unexpectedly found the answers to my problems! It was the rock music that caused it all! It was my unconfessed bitterness, and all those things I had hidden in my heart that caused me to struggle with anger and lust! Even my ache was caused by moral failures in my life! All I needed was to follow the 10 principles, or the 7 steps, and all would be well. If only I stopped listening to rock music (if you consider ’50s oldies to be rock), that would magically help. If I still lusted, it was because I still had “high places” in my mind, because I still secretly coveted things that were unholy. If only I could follow these steps perfectly, I could be perfect. I just knew it!
My sisters and I started attending certain ATI programs. The first of these was Sound Foundations (a music class put on by IBLP). Even here, in a monastery of “holiness,” I found plenty of room to sin! If I stayed up just one minute after curfew, I sinned by defying the authority of IBLP leadership. If I walked into a friend’s room (also not allowed in SF), this was something else I would need to confess — but confess to whom? Halfway through the class, I had racked up so many “infractions” that were making me feel guilty that I had to confess. So I marched down to the office of the man in charge of the program and confessed my sin.
To his credit, he did not try to stop me from confessing all these ridiculous “sins.” Instead he quietly listened, thanked me, and told me he “forgave me,” that it was okay. I suddenly felt much better. So much better it was almost euphoric! It was at that point that I realized that I often felt better after confessing than I ever did before the confession.
From there I was involved in several other IBLP programs over the years; they all had basically this same outcome. I followed their laws to the letter, and confessed every action I did wrong. I was learning the secret to a good Christian life: Confess and you’ll feel better about life.
Then my parents sent me to ALERT. This was when I realized that there was no good I could do that would be good enough for the drill instructors in Basic Training. My best was so horribly sub-par that it didn’t even come close to being “right.” But that’s the way any boot camp goes, and after the eight weeks, I was out of Basic and into the more advanced training that ALERT offered.
Through all of this, my personal failures still existed. I still lusted in my mind, I still struggled with anger, and I still had this crushing guilt all the time. What did this mean? At the age of 21, did my struggles with lust mean that I could never be married? How could I be expected to love my wife properly when I was such a horrible sinner?
I’m going to cut the story a bit short at this point and explain a few things. About four years later, I was still at ALERT, working on staff, and my parents (and I) had started attending a different church back home. On one of my visits home, my dad suggested that I go talk to the pastor of our new church, and talk to him about my problems with “lust.”
Being skilled in confession at this point, I was very frank with this pastor about my problems with lust, and his response was shocking: “First of all, you should remember that this guilt you feel over your lust means you are saved—”
“What?!? How can I be a Christian and still be so evil inside?”
“I was an unbeliever once, and I can tell you, the unsaved care nothing for the laws of God. They don’t care if lust is wrong. They don’t care in the slightest what God says. Therefore the very fact that you know lust is wrong, and you are actively trying to fight it proves you are a child of God. The second thing this proves is that you need to get married. There may be some in the world who are ‘eunuchs created by God’ but it’s my personal opinion that these men are very, very rare. If you desire to marry and to love your wife, you are not one of these men. It’s better to marry than to burn.”
This doctrine was like nothing I had ever heard! I started attending this church whenever I got the chance, and everything that was preached seemed to be a breath of fresh air! I no longer had to feel guilty, because God loved me unconditionally. I no longer had to try to be so utterly perfect, because I knew it was completely impossible.
It’s been almost eight years since that conversation, and I cannot explain how incredibly it has changed my life! I have come to realize that it’s not rock music that causes me to sin. I may sin in thought or deed from the effects of certain music, but the act of listening to the music itself is not a sin. Seeing a scantily clad woman on a magazine cover is not a sin; it’s what I do with that image that may be sin. Drinking liquor is not a sin; it’s what I do when I’ve drunk that liquor that may be sin.
I’d like to just contrast these two positions:
Gothardism: We can live a perfect life by following a set of rules. If we don’t see success in our lives, it’s most likely caused by failure to follow one or more rules. Follow these 7 steps, these 10 guidelines, destroy the strongholds, confess your sins, and you’ll be able to purify your life to the point of true salvation. In essence, it’s all about you.
Solid doctrine: You are a sinner. If you confess your sins to God and ask Him to save you, then you are a child of God. Period. Nothing you can do or say will ever pluck you from His hand. You have only now to strive to please your Lord with your actions on earth. But know this! Jesus has already died for your sins, past and present and future. He already knows how you will sin, and He knows it will be a battle. But He will be there, enabling you to fight and to conquer, and He will never permit you to be subjected to a temptation beyond what you can endure. In essence, it’s all about God.
I said in the beginning that Gothard did not ruin my life, and I believe that to be true. Gothard’s teachings simply amplified issues that I already had. I think this is the true danger of Gothard’s teachings. They take scripture that you already know and believe, and they warp it ever so slightly to make it support a legalistic lifestyle. The most dangerous form of heresy is the one that’s mostly the truth, but also contains a single lie.
Thanks for sharing! Loved hearing about your visit with the pastor that brought you towards freedom from guilt and the bondage of legalism so simply. So grateful for sound doctrine and the freedom truth brings!
Excellent article of comparison of Solid doctine vs Gothardism; truth vs. error.
I love your statement: "The most dangerous form of heresy is the one that’s mostly the truth, but also contains a single lie."
This is so true. However, I don't think Gothard's teachings are even mostly truth. There is some truth in what he teaches, but it is mostly twisted. But even so, there was enough truth in his teachings that it caught many of us off guard and sucked into his way of life.
I'm glad your family found a new church and a pastor who was able to give you God's truth and even more that you were open to receive it.
My experience with IBLP goes way back to the 70's and influenced me in a deep way. I grew up in a liberal church setting. My home life was abusive to the extreme. The seminar was something I attended w/friends and was part of my trying to play "catch-up" as an adult and learn what the Bible had to teach. These same friends and I attended about 10 seminars, including hosting at an advanced seminar. I am still friends with these people, and they are "like family" to me. (Dysfunctional family, that is, because this family are fundamentalist Christians who "adopted" me.) The problem is legalism. We seem unable to "connect" anymore because of suspicion, name calling and secrets.
Nailed it right here -
"Gothardism: We can live a perfect life by following a set of rules. If we don’t see success in our lives, it’s most likely caused by failure to follow one or more rules. Follow these 7 steps, these 10 guidelines, destroy the strongholds, confess your sins, and you’ll be able to purify your life to the point of true salvation. In essence, it’s all about you."
Key concept: I CAN live a perfect Christian life, by MY following the right rules. Lack of 'success' is caused by MY doing things wrong.
Christ, his finished work on the cross, his current position as our advocate, our mediator, desiring to live HIS life in us - that all takes a back seat to 'me doing it right' in Gothardism... or Galatianism, to give it a more biblical title.
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.
The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!”
Galatians 2:20-21
I once heard a pastor say that if satan can't hold you back, he'll push you forward. Scrupulosity is a danger for someone with a sensitive conscience who tries to live by rules. I am glad you found a pastor who didn't teach heavy burdens (and I love it how common sense and sound doctrine line up).
Sound doctrine is the answer!
"The most dangerous form of heresy is the one that’s mostly the truth, but also contains a single lie." I would modify his conclusion slightly -- The most dangerous form of heresy is the one that’s true, but excludes the whole truth. For example solely focusing on God's Justice and Righteousness while excluding his Love and mercy or vice verse.
Well said!
Thank you for posting. You have one of the more balanced stories I've yet read on this site. You aren't blaming Gothard, IBLP, ATI, your parents, or anybody but your own ignorance which you couldn't help at the time. When you learned the truth, you still didn't blame, you just began living as God instructs. We are all responsible for ourselves, our actions, our thoughts. Christian parents do what they believe God to be guiding them to do in the upbringing and education of their children. Most parents do not take their responsibility lightly. Mr. Gothard wasn't always as strange as he seems now, but this is a very strong case for Christians to maintain vigilance and to be on guard at all times. People change; situations change. Be ever watchful for the adversary in sheep's clothing. I'm very happy to hear you weren't ruined by Gothard. Few of us are, we just want to blame someone, and anyone will do. I appreciate your writing.
Ummmm......if someone puts poison in your cup of coffee every morning, are they hurting you? YES!
Scripture BLAMES false teachers. Paul referred to the false brother who "did him much harm."
Stating that someone teaches false doctrine and how that affected my life isn't unscriptural. It's just stating truth.
Thank you for sharing truth and sharing it personally and well. Heard years ago "Whatever is nearly almost true is a lie." I knew a family years ago that was adversely affected by Gothatd's teachings and I know a couple going through a marriage miinistry's program now that isn't based on the whole truth either. The most important truth is grace or what did Christ die for? No matter what happens I want to choose love choose love for without it we are nothing and love covers a multitude of sins.
I am married to someone who was affected and still is to a degree by the gothard teaching. I do hope that when you said that God knows how we will sin, etc. that you were referencing his position outside of time and not that we are destined to commit certain sins. That would be fatalism. Looks like you have benefitted by walking with Jesus through it all. Thank God though that whatever we do he is faithful. Blessings
To all supporters of Bill Gothard and his teachings, I will simply say this:
No-one can force another person to see what he has chosen not to see.
Proverbs 21:13. Whoso stoppeth his ears to the cry of the poor, he also shall cry himself, but shall not be heard.
Amen! Great post! The truth will set you free!
I like what Debbie (a few replies up) said. My life was wreaked with havoc but I don't blame Mr. Gothard or even my parents. In the end, it is up to me to deal with my life now and take accountability for my actions up to this point. I like that your article isn't putting blame on anyone. In fact, it's the first one that I was able to read and not feel like it was laced with bitterness and the desire to blame someone. Good Job! Btw, I'm a 2nd year ATIA family student. I've been around it since almost day one. I still have great respect for Mr. Gothard as a man.
Just curious, what would you say to someone who was abused? Is that their own fault?
I am wondering if you think your time at ALERT was fruitful? Was it a ?od honoring place? Would you want your son to attend there? Thank you for any input in this you can give. I have a son who is very interested in the military or police work and think this might be a place to give him Godly instruction and a relatively safe place to grow in the Lord as he spreads his wings.
Tami, ALERT is part of IBLP. If you read some of the many other articles on this site, you will see that sending your son to ALERT will put him under false teachings and cultic leadership and in a spiritually (some would also say physically) abusive environment...for an extended period of time. As a parent, I would never, ever do that to my boys. There are so many better options for your son. Put him in a good environment and don't worry about the training. If he goes with the police or military, those forces will train him appropriately at that time. Thank you for researching. Best wishes.
I'm just beginning to process the influence of Gothard teaching on my family as a child. I'm still walking around a bit stunned. Thank you for sharing, you have helped me clarify thoughts I can't seem to wrap my brain around.
Bless you!