The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse, Chapter 16: The People Get Devoured

We continue our Thursday series blogging through “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse.” The first post in the series is here.

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, because you devour widows’ houses, even while for a pretense you make long prayers; therefore you shall receive greater condemnation.” Matthew 23:14

When the sheep are used for the needs of the shepherd, the people get devoured. We meet Jill and Sally, two different people whose lives were devoured. And we get a small insight into how easy it might be for a spiritual leader to become plugged into manipulation instead of the life that comes from God in ministry.

In Hebrews 13:17 we read that we are to submit to our leaders, and in 1 Timothy 5:17 we read that we ought to give double honor to those who lead well. In abusive systems, these verses tend to morph into “don’t think, don’t question, and don’t notice problems,” and those who break the rule are labelled as unsubmissive, unspiritual, and divisive. But not all leaders lead well. A big difference between a shepherd and a wolf is that the shepherd looks out for the good of the sheep, while a wolf in sheep’s clothing is interested in consuming the sheep for his own needs.

A Childhood Devoured
Two painful stories are recounted. Let’s take them in reverse order: At the end of the chapter, Sally recalls a childhood in which appearances were more important than people, to the extent that when she was in need of emergency care, her parents went to a hospital in a nearby town, and, even there, hid in the parking lot for a while, due to their desire to keep up appearances. She deeply internalized a message that her own personal needs, even in an  emergency, must be covered up and ignored for the sake of the ministry.

Jill was sexually mistreated by a church staff member. Like the false leaders in Jeremiah 6:14 who healed the brokenness of God’s people only superficially, claiming “peace, peace” when there was not truly peace, the leaders of Jill’s church covered it all up. The wounds for Jill ran deep, tainting her view of healthy sexuality. Her emotions were damaged so deeply that she was afraid to be alone even with her own father, a kind and gentle man.

Jill’s parents asked the church for help, but instead of receiving healing grace, the family experienced being devoured for the sake of the appearances of the church. Jill’s mother wrote a raw and touching letter, reproduced here in chapter 16. The letter is a difficult read. It contains this paragraph:

“My daughter was molested by a church staff member when she was 13 years old. My husband wanted to confront him regarding his behavior. My husband and I went to an elder to get direction, assistance, and support. We wanted him to go with us to confront the staff member. But the elder, my husband, and I did not confront the church staff member. The elder and his wife became involved. The elder, his wife, and his children became involved. The elder, his wife, his children and fellow elders, and their families became involved. The elder, his wife, his children, fellow elders, their families and the church became involved. They discussed, diagnosed and analyzed our pain.”

Role Reversal
Jill’s pain became gossip and some people blamed her. She was pushed outside by the church and eventually attempted suicide. Her family spent thousands of dollars on counseling, trying to get help for her.

A role-reversal has occurred. “Instead of the leaders using their strength, authority, and knowledge to build, protect, and nurture, they use those qualities to insure their own power, control, or recognition.” (p. 175)

Questions for discussion: How can leaders recognize and avoid this pitfall of using the people for their own needs instead of serving the needs of the people? How might the people recognize and avoid the pitfall of being devoured for the needs of abusive leaders?

Devouring Happens in Many Ways
Jill’s story is an extreme case, but a similar dynamic often happens in subtle ways. A Christian leader may begin in ministry with a great zeal for the Kingdom. Even the best of intentions may be subtly intertwined in the human heart with a desire for success or recognition. The leader who drifts away from being connected to God risks falling into the trap of pressuring people and using them for the sake of his own success. He begins to pressure and manipulate people to serve, not for the sake of their own connection with God and others, but driven by his own fear of failure.

Good Quotes

“Role reversal is simply the dynamic that occurs when, instead of the leaders being there for the true well-being of the flock, the flock is there for the well-being of the leaders.” (p. 175)

“Abusive systems don’t serve and equip people, they use people. Worse, they use people up.” (p. 175)

“In those religious systems where sheep are there for the ‘needs’ of the shepherd, people’s lives get devoured.” (p. 170)

Personal Interaction
I think this chapter really starts to tie it all together and to bring the point home. A major issue with spiritual abuse is when the sheep are consumed for the needs of the shepherds rather than the shepherds using their position and abilities to protect and nurture the sheep.

Those who are in church leadership are often under great pressure to not rock the boat. But look at how The Message renders that passage from Jeremiah:

“Everyone’s after the dishonest dollar,
little people and big people alike.
Prophets and priests and everyone in between
twist words and doctor truth.
My people are broken — shattered! —
and they put on Band-Aids,
Saying, ‘It’s not so bad. You’ll be just fine.’
But things are not ‘just fine’!”

It takes courage for people who are broken to step up and admit it, and it takes courage for leaders to acknowledge that this brokenness happened on their watch. What we must not do is settle for band-aids and “it’s not so bad; you’ll be just fine.” I wish to clarify that this is not an invitation to those who are shattered to label themselves victims and use that as an excuse for bad behavior. It falls on each of us to take responsibility for ourselves to pursue our own healing.

But when someone close to us begins to take responsibility for their healing, will we be the one who says, “It’s not so bad; you’ll be just fine,” or will we be the one who is willing to journey into that brokenness with them and pursue healing with them? It can be so tempting to doctor the truth and sweep all the ugliness under the rug.

A closing thought on the heels of that: It’s hard to help someone else go where we ourselves have not trod. This is motivation for us to step up and address our own brokenness and healing in order that we might help others in their time of need.

(Click here to go on to next chapter)