After ten years in the Advanced Training Institute (ATI) and a number of experiences participating in various programs (Counseling Seminar, Sound Foundations, EXCEL, and a handful of Children’s Institutes), there came a moment when it became crystal clear to me that, within the spiritual and social confines of the Advanced Training Institute, I would never find spiritual peace or personal fulfillment.
My family had been one of “those” families — you know, the ones who still had a TV, watched movies, wore jeans — the ones that more committed families loved to judge. We had learned to keep these activities on the down low, but it felt duplicitous. Perhaps this sense of having one foot in the world of ATI and one foot in “the World” was the tether that kept me from fully embracing ATI’s way of life. Perhaps it was the budding sense of ATI’s hypocrisy that crept in as I entered my twenties. I remember lying with my sister in our room at the Oklahoma Training Center during a fall 2001 session of COMMIT. We had just awakened from a mid-afternoon nap, and as we talked about what we were seeing around us, there was a gradual, unspoken realization that this was not where we belonged. (A good example of such a moment was showing up for Friday’s cleaning project only to find out that the popular girls had gone out with the Reed sisters and those of us without connections were the ones making beds and scrubbing toilets). My journal entries from that week expressed doubt, but did not go all the way into outright questioning. By the end of the week, however, we had received definite confirmation that led us to announce unequivocally to our parents when we returned home that we would never attend another ATI function.
In the early post-ATI years I spent a lot of time analyzing my experiences, alternating between bitterness and forgiveness, unraveling the many, many tangles in my spiritual and personal life. In this early period, my journey was a solitary one outside of my immediate family. I didn’t know anyone else who had rejected ATI, and I recall being rebuffed by an EXCEL acquaintance when I mentioned my reasoning for leaving ATI.
I credit much of my transformation to my husband, whose complete unfamiliarity with the program has helped me put my experiences into perspective. I recently read an article that promoted many of the ideas I used to embrace while immersed in ATI, and instead of thinking, “Wow, I used to believe that,” I thought, “Good heavens, who would believe this stuff?” I felt completely unable to understand or identify with the legalism being promoted, even though it once so deeply saturated my life.
In the same way that Bill Gothard asks his followers to cleanse their lives of the evils of dating and rock music, I’ve cleansed mine of the trappings of ATI. Throwing away my notebooks, photographs, and all of my navy and white was one of the first steps I took to divorce myself from the movement. I do understand that my ability to overcome my past in ATI is in proportion to my level of involvement. I never spent much time at Headquarters, and, thankfully, never encountered anything that smacked of sexual harassment or abuse. In the one instance where I was a witness (along with several hundred people) to verbal and spiritual abuse heaped upon two young women at the Indianapolis Training Center for their failure to properly clean their room, I simply reasoned away my revulsion — as I am sure many of us did when confronted with such circumstances.
Gothard tightly constructs his world in such a way that deviations are explained and justified through the violation of principles or commandments, and even to think that the verbal abuse I witnessed was wrong was theoretically impossible within the framework of the Institute and its rules. It’s only when you make the conscious decision to step outside the circle of legalistic discourse that you discover how wrong the things were that you consciously or subconsciously justified.
Since COMMIT and my decision to leave the movement, I have successfully gone on to college and completed both a bachelor’s and a master’s degree in American History, and this year I am beginning a doctoral program. Many of the feminist and critical theories employed by academic scholars have enabled me to deconstruct and critique my social experiences within ATI. (Michel Foucoult’s theory on discourse was especially enlightening.)
My husband and I enjoy a rich personal life filled with “normal” things, like movies (my husband has “80s Night” where we watch all the movies he thinks I shouldn’t have missed), having a glass of wine with friends on the weekends, and experiencing a wonderful world of music I didn’t know existed. Whereas I used to be filled with anxiety that my desire not to have children was a terribly wrong one, I now happily embrace my life with my husband as a complete family in and unto ourselves. Most importantly, as a woman I have been able to find a level of personal and professional fulfillment in my work as a historian that is outside the narrow scope of the purportedly “God-given” roles for women promoted by ATI and other conservative groups.
Spiritual transformation has been an ongoing process, not only because of ATI but also because of years within a slice of fundamental religious conservatism that I found as spiritually crippling as Gothard’s teaching. Throughout the early 2000s, I struggled with whether or not I was going to remain within any Protestant denomination, or even identify myself as a Christian. I viewed God as an arbitrary and angry figure waiting to crush me because I wasn’t sticking to the standards that were supposedly drawn directly from Holy Scripture. I explored yogic philosophy one semester in college but was also introduced by a friend to Eastern Orthodox theology.
In 2004 I read several books that completely transformed my understanding of God, His Church, and my faith: The Illumined Heart by Orthodox writer Frederica Mathewes-Green and The Orthodox Way by Bishop Kallistos Ware. In 2005 I made the decision to join the Orthodox Church, where I met my husband, marrying him a year later — after a very fun-filled year of dating, I might add. (And, yes, we did kiss before we reached the altar.) Within the spiritual tradition of the Orthodox Church, I have found confirmation for many of the things that I believed must be true about the Christian faith, but that weren’t confirmed by what I was experiencing in ATI.
There are many paths to recovering from ATI, paths that speak to the richly diverse and transformative nature of God’s goodness and the plans that He has for each one of us. Normalcy is certainly a relative term, and everyone’s normal will be his or her own and not representative of some ubiquitous experience shared by everyone. My story is uniquely my own, and I am quietly grateful each and every time I happen to think of it, that I have been so fortunate as to find a way out from under ATI’s spiritual oppression, into a world filled with color and light.
Ellen is a doctoral student at an East coast university. The oldest of six sisters, Ellen spent ten years in ATI before choosing to define her own path in life apart from the teachings of any person or method. Happily, her family has traveled the same road with her. She now enjoys a full and adventurous life with her husband and the best relationships with her family since their pre-ATI years. What a wonderful world of music, pretty clothes, and incredible experiences are to be discovered outside the narrow confines of fundamental conservative religious movements! Although she thought about giving up on the whole religious thing, she and her husband have found their spiritual home in the ancient traditions of the Eastern Orthodox Church.
July 31, 2024
Praise God for the wonderful freedom that you have found from the spiritual bondage you experienced! When we leave the legalism behind, we discover the amazing goodness of God's grace! Thank you for sharing your journey!
Wow Ellen...I've been wondering about ex-ATI students sho became Orthodox...heard of people like that, but haven't met anyone personally or heard of any specific people like that (other than myself and the ex-ATI-er that introduced me to Orthodoxy. So, I'd love to get in touch with you... Oh, and what Orthodox church do you go to?
For some time, I've had a sneaking interest in the Orthodox church. I have no idea what they preach, but I'm interested in finding out. I've heard from other people that it seems to be a safe haven.. (I attend a Southern Baptist church, and agree with quite a bit of their basic doctrine, but do not consider myself as belonging to any denomination, I belong to Jesus.)
Heather, I'd suggest beginning with Frederica Mathews-Greene. She was a militant, left-wing feminist who experienced an about face that brought her to Christianity. Kallistos Ware's "The Orthodox Way" is also excellent, as is an SVS Press 2-volume catechism that formed the theological foundation for my choice to become Orthodox. Most importantly for me, I wanted to find an alternative to the harsh Calvinism that informed most of my Protestant experience.
Thanks Ellen!
I'm excited to know there is someone else out there who chose the Orthodox path! I am a member of a parish in Columbia, MD, that is about 50% cradle, 50% converts.
"to think that the verbal abuse I witnessed was wrong was theoretically impossible within the framework of the Institute and its rules"
So true. As I look back and try to explain certain things to my husband (a non-ATIer) and others, some things seem so absurd they are bewildered that there was no push-back or shock from me and others. It's hard for them to grasp how impossible it was to do so.
Thanks so much for sharing this story! It is wonderful to hear of someone else who went on to find Freedom, Love and Joy. I too, married a wonderful man who was never entangled with ATI. He helps me see the Loving God who cares about me and wants a relationship with me. What a gift!
I loved your story. I have thought of giving up religion too, but I cannot let go of my raw faith. I think I am more of a progressive Christian, but I still love Jesus.
My family had one foot in the door, and another out, too. It was not healthy. Freedom comes apart from rules of any kind, no matter how subtle.
I'm so disappointed that Recovering Grace would publish an article by someone who adheres to a religion which promotes a false gospel.
See "The Gospel According to the Orthodox Church" http://kabane52.tumblr.com/gospel
Hi Lori, would you take a look at the disclaimer?
'All articles on this site reflect the views of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of other Recovering Grace contributors or the leadership of the site. Students who have survived Gothardism tend to end up at a wide variety of places on the spiritual and theological spectrum, thus the diversity of opinions expressed on this website reflects that. For our official statement of beliefs, click here.'
This website exists to expose the false religion of Gothardism. As mentioned in the disclaimer, former students/members end up in many different places. The administrators do not forbid anyone who wishes to share their story, regardless of what end that story has, nor do the administrators necessarily endorse any religion, or lack thereof that a writer may have converted to during their journey out.
Personally I know nothing about Eastern Orthodox religion, nor am I interested in it, as I am happy and content where God has led me, but I think, especially in regards to the stated purpose of this website, we will not reach our 'lost' brothers and sisters by shunning or despising them.
Me too
oookay, here goes.. In my personal reflection: IBLP teaching blended almost seamlessly with fundamentalism in modern evangelical Christianity. I did not grow up IBLP or ATI; my husband and I are both MKs who were raised 'on the field' in the 1980s-early 90's. But Gothard teaching (part of the 3 Gs of Gothard, Gaither, & Graham) influenced our world heavily; growing up in a non-denominational para-church organization, we needed something 'solid' to hold on to -- so I guess Gothardesque 'holistic legalism' was the natural way to go.
Even tho Gothardism (and Character Sketches!) permeated all of our childhood instruction, my husband & I remained on the fringes of it -- maybe because our parents actually enjoyed sci-fi/fantasy literature, folk/rock music, and the occasional (discreet) glass of wine..
By the time we were married with children in America, we had chosen a different path of faith. Everyone was quite shocked to hear that we had voluntarily joined a Presbyterian church because:
a.) We actually joined a denomination. (This was viewed as discrimination in the circles we grew up in; being non-denominational, para-church, and independently evangelical was considered to be the most humble life-choice.)
b.) We joined a Presbyterian denomination -- which was in direct conflict theologically with my husband's long family history as persecuted ana-baptists.
c.) We baptized our babies, which seemed to confirm that we were no different from the Roman Catholic Church. (Lots of tearful family conversations over this 'final straw'; my in-laws did not attend our children's baptisms because of their convictions. That was really sad, but I respect their decision and I don't regret our decision.)
We were still home-birthers & home-schoolers so we continued to rub shoulders with Gothardites & ATI folks. Reading up on the Recovering Grace website, it's sobering to realize how devastating Gothardism was/is... I remember being really offended once when a friend joked about the 'jean jumper brigade' at homeschool conferences; I wasn't into Quiver-Full or Pearl, but I had figured: 'Whatever, live & let live'. I never viewed it as cult-like simply because it blended so well with the fundamentalist faith we grew up with.
We have friends who have also chosen other paths of faith after Gothardism -- Eastern Orthodox Church, Roman Catholic Church, Presbyterian denominations, as well as Atheism and Islam. The 2 things we all had in common:
1.) We all grew up with zero knowledge of Christian theological distinctives -- aside from our community's version of "Protestant faith vs. Roman Catholicism" -- because we were never taught that such a thing existed within the pale of Christian orthodoxy. We were not taught 'how to think', but only 'what to think'.
2.) We all eventually found refuge/solid ground through the deep historical traditions of our new faith.
I cannot say that we all believe the same thing now, but I can say that we all escaped our old faith (including fundamentalist Christianity) for the same reasons.
Please understand: I'm not looking to start an argument with anyone about religion & Christian orthodoxy (or Christian fundamentalism). I'm actually resisting the urge to write my usual list of disclaimers -- why I'm not a hater/extremist/heretic even tho I partake in [_fill in the blank_] .. I just want explain why I resonate very much with the writer in my journey of faith..