Not My Doctor

You are here:

Home
Featured Article
Not My Doctor

Not My Doctor

1 July 2013, 06:00

As an elder's daughter in an ATI (Advanced Training Institute influenced) church, there was tremendous pressure on me to perform a certain way. When my father started questioning some of the teachings, especially on religious freedom, our family was viciously attacked both emotionally and spiritually. We ended up leaving that church, shunned from our friends. Seven years have passed, and the things that still haunt me are the words that were said to me and about me. I wrote this not long ago to remind myself that Jesus is my only judge, and He says that I am forgiven.

I forced a twisted, pained smile and begged an excuse for a hasty retreat. It took every inch of strength within my small frame to control the overwhelming urge to run away. Fear tightened my throat as intimidation, unworthiness, and hate I couldn’t explain turned somersaults in my stomach. Suddenly I hated myself for letting them do it again, for letting myself stand by without standing up to them.

They saw me and counted me a heathen. It could be my dress, music, or my lifestyle/career choices. Condescendingly they would come alongside, with a prayer on their lips while flaunting their white lab coats. Self-appointed doctors, they wanted to judge me into conformity. They tried to diagnose my sin and prescribe the cure.

They are not doctors, and they have no medicine. They talk about a cure but they prescribe more death. So why would I let them even attempt to operate on my soul? They read the Book, but never once took their eyes off the pages to see that the patient in the most need was them.

I have a Great Physician; He is the best that blood can buy. He’s told me over and over that I am beautiful, lovely, purified, righteous and a new creation.

My Physician wrote the book, but also lives that book out. How could I be so stupid to run back to the counterfeit doctors, every time I felt there was a problem with me? How could I weigh myself against their scales?

Yet I run back to the self-proclaimed doctors who tell me I am ugly, scarred, unworthy, and a rotting piece of flesh. And those doctors don’t wait for me to come to them because, most often, they come to me. Once more I deal with anger, pain, hurt, fear and guilt.

How could I doubt the one Physician that saved my life and promises to never let me go?

Maybe I thought that if my soul doctor knew everything about me, He wouldn’t love me. Somehow I believe the lies, and it makes me feel better about trying to earn my life.

It’s not till I am battered and bruised, bleeding and broken that I find myself back at His office doors. He always lets me in, because He promises that if I knock, He will open. He takes me in his arms, touches my hurts with healing, whispers love in my ear, and graces me with endurance. This is my Jesus and I am his. He tells me, “I have chosen you with everlasting love; you are mine and I will never let you go.”

And I believe Him.

Rebekah spent ten years of her life involved with ATI. After leaving the church steeped in ATI, she began to reevaluate everything that church stood for. She followed her dreams and became a published author of a short children's novel. She is married to a wonderful man who has greatly helped her in her journey out of legalism. She resides in Kansas and has desires to minister to those who have been affected and hurt by ATI.

All articles on this site reflect the views of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of other Recovering Grace contributors or the leadership of the site. Students who have survived Gothardism tend to end up at a wide variety of places on the spiritual and theological spectrum, thus the diversity of opinions expressed on this website reflects that. For our official statement of beliefs, click here.

About the author

11 Comments

Brenda July 1, 2013 Reply

Beautifully written. And oh so true. I found myself in similar situations in my early 20s. My late teen and early twenties were immersed in ATI and Mennonite communities in Kansas. So glad your husband has been a guiding hand as you've blazed your way down the recovery path.
Kez July 1, 2013 Reply

Wow...this. This. So true. Thank you for sharing...
Richard July 1, 2013 Reply

Thank you for sharing!! This is great writing!!!
- Rebekah July 2, 2013 Reply
  
  Thank you!
Another Hannah July 1, 2013 Reply

wow! Beautiful! :)
Lauralea July 1, 2013 Reply

I was not a part of ATI, but was spiritually abused and experienced the same thing by various people I hurt, people who hurt me, and people I didn't realize were hurting me. I needed to read this tonight, I've been discouraged a bit lately about becoming free- it's a lonely road, far too many people are eager to be slaves and to enslave others.
Thank you so much, Rebekah!
- Rebekah July 2, 2013 Reply
  
  Lauralea,
  Spiritual abuse, bullying and peer pressure don't stop in high school and aren't limited to a specific set of beliefs, like ATI. They are everywhere, in every walk of life because of the selfishness and pride that threatens to rule every human heart. It's ok to feel alone. I've been there. But it's not ok to let that feeling rule your emotions... Find support,forgive yourself, accept yourself, choose your battles and let others go. Remember that you may feel that you loose some battles, but Jesus has already won the war. Jesus is there, even when you don't feel Him. He is holding your hand, navigating your way through the sea of life. This is faith, believing when you can't feel and you can't see. Don't be discouraged about your journey, because everyone's journey is different. Keep your eyes on Jesus, with His help, you CAN do this!
esbee July 1, 2013 Reply

I read this early this morning not realizing what I would have to face later that morning and well into the night...my hubby started to have serious chest pains at 11 am (like a heavy weight on his chest) we rushed him to emergency and spent all day there...they thought it was a blood clot in the lungs, gave him nitro glycerin for his heart and finally a green lady (it is really pink) to swallow for his esophagus...that did the trick. I want him to read this now!
- BeverlyB July 2, 2013 Reply
  
  I'm so sorry to hear that, Esbee. I hope he's doing better now. What a scary experience!
- Rebekah July 2, 2013 Reply
  
  I am sorry about the stressful and scary day you just went through, I do hope that your husband is doing much better and that you were able to get some rest!
Teresa May 15, 2014 Reply

From my outsider's opinion, this seems like the best answer to ATI.

The real thing.

Not My Doctor

About the author

11 Comments

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Explore All Content

Seen "Shiny Happy People?"

Their Day in Court: Part Three

Their Day in Court: Part Two

Their Day in Court: Part One

Statement from Recovering Grace regarding the lawsuit a ...

Rethinking the Nativity

Bill Gothard’s Powerless Gospel

Plaintiffs Amend Lawsuit Against IBLP, Also Sue Bill Go ...

An ATI Education, Final Chapter: Guilty Silence

Introducing our IBYC/IBLP Facebook Recovery Group

Plaintiffs Amend Lawsuit Against IBLP, Also Sue Bill Go ...

Charlotte's Story

Bill’s Cabin: Uncovering Sin

Sacred Grooming, Part Six: A Secretary's Account of Lif ...

Trapped in the Shadow of 'God's Anointed': Breaking fre ...

Our Response to Bill Gothard’s Statement

A Call to Repentance

Bill Gothard Issues Public Statement

The Agent of Satan

Confident Statements Do Not a Solid Argument Make

Search Recovering Grace

Recent Posts

Tags

Not My Doctor

About the author

Related posts

11 Comments

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Explore All Content

Search Recovering Grace

Recent Posts

Tags