Bill Gothard’s courtship literature promises rewards to those who do courtship right and consequences for those who date — rewards and consequences that are not promised in Scripture. I’ll take examples from Gothard’s recent courtship teaching, then share my own experience with courtship and dating.

In the article “What Is Courtship?” Gothard lists the Foundational Principles of Courtship as:

1. Ensure the blessing of God (“Courtship is experiencing the blessing of God by loving the Lord Jesus Christ and honoring both sets of parents.”)

2. Love the Lord Jesus Christ (“One way of loving God and others is to keep the commands of Christ, especially as they relate to marriage.”)

3. Honor parents (“The foundational command for the happiness and success of any marriage is ‘Honor thy father and thy mother’.”)

4. Determine marriage readiness (“Is the young man sanctifying himself by engrafting Scripture into his heart and soul, so that he can cleanse his wife by the Word?”)

5. Discern God’s will (“If one party has been married and divorced, and the previous partner is still living, it would not be God’s will for that individual to marry another person.”)

6. Establish a covenant marriage (“Any minister who allows for divorce and remarriage, but leads a couple in the vows ‘till death do us part,’ must answer to God for lying to Him and causing a couple to lie to God.”)

7. Benefit the world (“Those who are married with the blessing of God and their parents are ‘heirs together of the grace of life’ (I Peter 3:7) and can raise up sons and daughters who are mighty in God’s Spirit.”)

Claiming all the things on this list for courtship suggests that we are wrong and at high risk if we don’t do things the way Gothard lays out. By his description, “one of the primary motivations behind courtship (as opposed to dating) is the protection of the emotions of those involved,” implying that motivations are only good if one has chosen courtship instead of dating. In fact, each of the Principles for Courtship has an implied opposite for those who choose dating over Gothard’s parent-centered courting.

If a person dates, these Principles for Courtship imply that the person…

1. Risks or ensures that they won’t have God’s blessing (“No couple will have a happy or prosperous marriage without the blessing of the Lord. If God does not bless them, the devourer will damage and destroy their present and future joy and potential.”)

2. Calls into question whether they love the Lord Jesus Christ

3. Dishonors their parents (“If we say that a person over eighteen years of age has the legal right to make his own marriage decisions, regardless of whether those decisions please his parents or not, we are making the Law of God of no effect by our traditions.”)

4. Does not know whether they are ready to marry (“There are many practical considerations that parents need to evaluate before giving their blessing to a marriage.”)

5. Is not able to discern God’s will in the absence of parental control (“Since God has given the father of the girl the responsibility to protect her purity (see Deuteronomy 22:15) and the father of the young man the responsibility to evaluate his son’s wisdom (see Proverbs 10:1), God’s first line of direction will be through them.”)

6. Plans for a marriage that will be only a contract, not a covenant (“Marriage is not a contract between two people; it is a sacred covenant between two people, two families, and God, with witnesses to the vows.”)

7. Is going to be of little benefit to the world

If we analyze the manipulation factor in this article, we see Gothard’s favorite technique of “appealing to the conscience,” which usually means bypassing appeals to the mind and instead stirring up emotions, in this case guilt and fear. We are meant to read and feel the list this way: If a person dates instead of courting, then that person won’t experience the blessing of God, doesn’t love Jesus, isn’t honoring both sets of parents, isn’t being properly evaluated to determine readiness for marriage, probably isn’t ready for marriage, isn’t discerning the will of God, and will have a marriage of no benefit to the world. That isn’t what the list says, but that is what is meant to come into your “conscience” when you read it.

Gothard sets his courtship ideas next to unrelated Biblical ideas quotations and hopes they’ll all blur together. He says, “no couple will have a happy or prosperous marriage without the blessing of the Lord.” Nowhere does the Bible say that in order to receive God’s blessing we have to be committed to ATI-style courtship, or that God won’t bless a couple that marries after dating. The Scriptures Gothard includes don’t mention preparing for marriage, but they are used to provoke alarm in those who don’t practice courtship.

1. “Blessed is every one that feareth the LORD; that walketh in his ways.” (See, dating is for those who don’t fear the Lord!)

2. “If ye love me, keep my commandments…. He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him.” (Dating is for those who don’t keep God’s commandments, and they won’t experience God! Of course Gothard can cite absolutely no Biblical command to court, since there’s not one to cite.)

3. “Blessed is the man that feareth the Lord, that delighteth greatly in his commandments. His seed shall be mighty upon earth: the generation of the upright shall be blessed.” (We want our seed to be mighty, upright, and blessed, so we’d better court so our kids turn out right!)

4. “For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him. (Who wants to be guilty of this? Better court, because dating is a curse on your parents!)

This is how ATI youth are ensnared into making so many commitments. This is how I was pressured into making a courtship commitment. I wanted to obey  Scripture, but I hadn’t thought about the fact that none of the Scriptures say anything about courtship versus dating! None of them even mention it, because courtship is Gothard’s idea. He chooses Scriptures that would fit just about anything he tried to make them fit. All these Scriptures could be easily tacked on to an article about how arranged marriages are Biblical.

The pressure is overwhelming to parents as well. Parents want their child to be in right standing with God, and ATI parents feel Gothard has opened their eyes to something they never before knew was important (because it is nowhere in the Bible). They are eager to coax their youth into committing to courtship.

I was committed to courtship, and it left me very disillusioned about marriage. I had gone to ATI training centers and met great guys, but I was not there to meet guys to marry. At home, though, I wasn’t around any great guys. I believed God was going to have to literally drop a guy between my bedroom and the laundry room. My whole life was waiting on Him to bring the guy while I was busy helping my parents. It wasn’t until I was 23 that I realized how irresponsible I was being. God gave me my own life, and I was wasting it waiting for courtship.

I began to get on with my life and follow the dreams He had given me. It took quite a bit of healing and growing, but God helped me each step of the way. I eventually left my parents’ house and lived on my own for two years. Nowhere does the Bible say it is wrong for a woman to live on her own, or that it will bring dangers on her for “stepping out from under authority.” I went to a nearby church where I had felt closest to God as a child. I was wrapped in love and help there, and it was there that I met Jon. We dated for three months before we got married, and I can honestly tell you that it was God directed. I was 25 and he was 29. I couldn’t believe that God had saved such an awesome guy for me, one who was so perfect for me!

I thought that my parents would never approve, because they hadn’t been the ones to choose him or decide whether I was ready. When they first heard about Jon and me dating they tried to get me to go to college for my music degree, something I had wanted, but by then I was already an established piano teacher and had taken responsibility for my own life. As they started hearing good reports about Jon, they warmed up to him. The night Jon asked for my dad’s blessing was a night I will never forget! My mom already like Jon, and asked us to come over right away because my dad was tired. We did, and dad told Jon that he was worried about Jon’s salvation. Jon gave dad his testimony of how and when he had accepted Christ, and my dad gave Jon his blessing. I was stunned. It was a miracle of God!

What amazes me is that…

1. We have the blessing of God on our marriage.
2. We both love the Lord Jesus Christ.
3. We honor our parents with our lives, not with blind obedience.
4. We determined our own readiness to marry.
5. It was God’s will, and we knew it.
6. It is a covenant marriage.
7. It is benefiting the world.

All this, and we didn’t court. We have the blessings, not the curses.

We have been married 10 years and have three beautiful children. Two have accepted Jesus as their Savior; the third is only two years old. I thank God for this life of freedom from the man-made rules and formulas that used to dictate my life. I thank Him for giving us the Bible to show us the life of love and acceptance that He has for us. God is still directing my life, not through my parents, but through the relationship that I have with Him!