“What do I know of You, Who spoke the world in motion?
Where have I even stood, but soil along Your ocean?
Are You fire, are You fury? Are You sacred, are You beautiful?
What do I know – what do I know of holy?”
~ Addison Road
Once upon a time I thought that I knew of holiness.
I memorized entire books of the the Bible. The book of James? “James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, to the twelve tribes who are scattered abroad. Greeting. My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience…” I had it covered.
The Sermon on the Mount? “And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him: and he opened his mouth and taught them, saying, Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven…” Yes, that too.
I was in church every time the doors were open—splitting my time attending both Catholic and Protestant churches with each of my parents. I knew the Hail Mary and The Four Spiritual Laws by heart.
When I was 12, I had so many questions about the Catholic faith that my dad had a priest from his parish come to his house to try and answer them for me.
I once beat my mom’s pastor at Bible Trivia. I was 13.
I dressed in skirts down to my ankles so as not to defraud anyone around me.
I made a vow to God that I would never dance. I vowed to never enter a movie theater. I vowed that I would never date.
My heart aches when I think of the girl that I once was, the young girl who tried so hard to be “on fire for the Lord.” With tears in my eyes, and a yearning deep in my soul, I can only wish that there were some way to go back, take that little girl’s hand, and let her in on what I know now—I was simply trying too hard. For years I had been trying to earn His love and acceptance.
As hard as I had strived to be on fire for God, it wasn’t long before I burned out.
At the age of 18, I was tired of pretending. I was so weary of the hypocrisy and legalism that had engulfed my life, and that I had witnessed being lived out in churches and religious groups around me. If this was Christianity, being a Christ-follower, I was finished. While never losing grip on my core beliefs, I went on a spiritual sabbatical of sorts. For the first time in my life, I stopped attending church. My Bible became hidden under books of poetry, self-esteem, and fluffy chick lit.
Struggling and hurting, I waded through this religious void for over a year, as if blindly navigating myself through the ocean’s rolling tide. What had started as a time of rest, revealed the burden upon burden that I had been carrying this whole time—for nearly as long as I could remember. I realized that instead of soaring on the wings of the holiness that I had tried to attain, I was actually stumbling under the weight of the perfectionism that I had placed on my own shoulders. I was spiritually, emotionally, and physically exhausted.
What did I know of holy? Absolutely nothing.
I had so much knowledge, and yet I knew so little.
I can’t recall the exact moment when the tiny ember inside my heart began to glow once more, but something gently whispered it back to life. I became introduced to the work of Brennan Manning. As I read his books, the wall that had formed around my heart began to crumble away, piece by piece. “My deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done nothing to earn it or deserve it.” ~ The Ragamuffin Gospel
Wow. Such an awakening. This bedraggled little ragamuffin is loved. Deeply loved. And nothing that I had ever done or could ever do would help me to earn it. Ever so cautiously, I approached my Heavenly Father in a few timid prayers. I started visiting churches once more. I began to gently turn the pages of my Bible, studying the once familiar passages with a guarded curiosity, and then a growing hunger. For the first time in my life, I realized that grace wasn’t something that I had to earn. I could lay down my burdens, and finally be at rest. Grace was a gift. Such a beautiful and undeserved gift.
It didn’t matter how many verses that I memorized. It wasn’t about holding myself to rules and standards. It didn’t matter if I could go toe-to-toe with a priest. None of that mattered because I had missed the whole point—that He loves me, the sinful, wounded, dirty, questioning little ragamuffin that I am.
Once upon a time, my fire burned out, but a tiny ember came back to life. Over the 13 years that have passed since then, the flame in my heart may no longer resemble the roaring fire of my youth, but now a soft and steady glow has taken its place.
So, after all this time—all these years—what do I now know of holy? Of His grace? I believe that I have only the tiniest glimpse. While I continue to grow, and desire to learn more, here is what I do know…
I don’t have to earn anything.
I am loved. Deeply loved.
And that is more than enough for me.
Ginger is a military wife, mother of three boys, homeschooling mom, Kansas girl, and bookworm. She is a former ATI student (1991-1999) and served at the Moscow Training Center in 1998-1999. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
Her yellow Brick Road has led her through deep valleys of loneliness, betrayal, incredible heart ache, divorce, illness, and searching. She has also encountered the glorious paths of motherhood, friendship, rapture, butterflies - oh the butterflies, promise, hope, healing, new beginnings, and a love that she had never imagined possible. You can find her in her little corner of the blogging world - Just One of the Boys. There really is no place like home.
July 31, 2024
Thank you for sharing your story. It is in almost every way the same as my experience - the memorization, the knowledge, the vows, the struggle to be better. Thank you for sharing a better way.
Thank you very much for your kind comment, Micah. I am so grateful to have found healing along the way!
It's sad that the help received came from a book as bad as Ragamuffin Gospel, which is not a book Christians should be getting their theology from.
Pastor Gary Gilley has done an excellent short review demonstrating the problems with this book:
http://www.svchapel.org/resources/book-reviews/4-christian-living/185-the-ragamuffin-gospel-by-brennan-manning
He ends the review with this:
Add all of this up and we have a book that makes some good points, especially about God’s grace, but distorts so much about God and truth as to render it worse than useless—it is downright dangerous.
You are welcome to your opinion about that book of course but let's please not redirect the conversation into a love/hate war over a book or author that is quoted exactly once in the post. Please keep comments on topic, interacting with the main points of the post, with a tone that invites respectful conversation, even if opinionated. Much appreciated :-)
Good points made by both tractor and detractor but if God is able to use us, so deeply flawed, I am sure He can use something out of a flawed book.
....even a red one?
That's funny: tractor and detractor. And living in farming country, the red tractor vs. green tractor debate is an impassioned one! (not being a farmer, I have no dog in that fight whatsoever)
Thank you, Esbee. :)
Thank you, MatthewS! :)
Hi Glenn, I've never read the book in question, but I thought you made a very interesting point.
Where the review ends with, '...we have a book that makes some good points, esp about God's grace, but distorts so much about God and truth as to render it worse than useless, it is downright dangerous..'
I thought that was very interesting because that is exactly what we say about Bill Gothard's teachings. There are a few good points, but he distorts God so much that his teachings are dangerous.. (to which we usually hear some well meaning individual say, 'well just chew the meat, spit out the bones'..)
That really jumped out to me, thanks for writing that quote.
Heather, thank you for your comment! You have brought up a point that I had never really thought about in light of my story. I appreciate your thoughts, and I will certainly look deeper into it. That said, I am still very grateful for Manning's work - and that it pointed me in the right direction to a life of healing and grace.
Glenn, thank you for your comment. I am certainly going to check out the review that you mentioned. Maybe Brennan Manning had it wrong, but I continue to be grateful for his book that gently pointed me in the right direction toward a grace and love that I had never known.
Thank you for sharing your journey to grace!
Thank you so much for your kind comment, LJ. That means a great deal to me. :)
Wow, I am continually amazed that I am not alone in my recovery and my thoughts and opinions. You go, girl! Thank you.
Thank you so very much for your encouraging comment, Melody! No, you most certainly aren't alone - there are so many of us that are going through this journey together, and RG is a wonderful place to find those fellow travelers! :) *hug*
The road to grace is unique for every one of us. It was the word "Gandolf" engraved on a friend's leather belt that led me to JRR Tolkien, and from thence, to C.S. Lewis, who first brought the gospel to my awareness.
I LOVE Lewis's writings!
I cannot remember where I read it but a Christian author warned other Christians about reading C. S. Lewis and Tolkien because they smoked and drank and some of their writings and opinions were not based on the TRUE gospel and at the end of his life Lewis said good things about the Catholic church. ( Tolkien was Catholic.) Yup, that is legalism at its worst, most divisive in the guise of doing what is right.
I had to catch myself in judgement before I did some research – they lived in England in the time of 2 wars, pub outings were a way of life for many Englanders. These 2 men were close friends. Both taught English at Oxford University, and both were active in the literary group known as the "Inklings". Highly intelligent, they loved discussions of any kind to the nth degree at their meetings, had a drink and smoked and discussed the books they wrote and bounced ideas off each other. For many years Lewis was atheist and it was Tolkien who led him back to the Lord.
I've been warned by Independent Fundamental Baptists not to read Lewis. When I quoted him on facebook, an acquaintance sent me a private message with a link to a page that claimed Lewis wasn't saved.
But I've been deeply touched, challenged, and encouraged in my walk with Christ from reading his books.
IFB is often mentioned by a certain blogger who became atheist after 25 years of being a pastor and preacher in the IFB and other legalist sects. It is very interesting how he writes about his struggle to follow all those things he deemed godly and how he tried to follow those rules precisely but ended up suffering for it, poverty, illness, etc and a few years ago chunked it all, calling God names and saying how it is a bunch of baloney and does not work. He is very mad at this god he says no longer says exists and cannot believe in a blood thirsty god who commands his followers to slay whole towns and the bible is full of mistakes and contradictions, etc. Actually I agree with him on many points he makes about the failures of Christians and how some churches are full of problems, but I chalk that up to people being people and the devil coming in to do his dirty deeds where he sees chinks in the armor.
out of the mouths of babes...25 years ago our pastor's son, just a toddler said this...
"there is one devil, but many deacons." It proved more than true in our church!
I've heard things of that nature. I think the people who diss Lewis must not have read some of his works like The Screwtape Letters, and his other incredible works. I would just ignore them, and in my experience, many fundies dismiss the writings of anyone who has ever made any kind of mistake (or what they perceive to be a mistake), as if a person isn't a true Christian, or has ruined their testimony by xyz behavior. Case in point, one man, whom I perceived to be very arrogant himself, said that Ravi Zacharias discredited himself once by not witnessing to a group of Mormons when he had an opportunity to do so. I tried to reason with this person, we didn't know the situation, it could very well be that the Lord himself told Ravi to keep quiet that day for a very particular reason, or perhaps Ravi really did just have an 'off' moment, a lapse in judgment etc.. either way, how could we simply dismiss everything he says and does for the rest of eternity because of one mistake? Anyway.. That's my take on it.
Great song you quoted at the beginning! I can so relate to this: "I had so much knowledge, and yet I knew so little." I am amazed at how far off track I got from the simple truth that Jesus loves me. I also relate to "ever so cautiously, I approached my Heavenly Father in a few timid prayers." This love is so amazing! My churches talked of it all the time, but it became obscured under rules and self-righteousness. What a delight it's been to discover what grace really means!
Thank you so much, Mercy! I can relate closely to what you described - and how wonderful it is to discover a new meaning for grace!
Ginger, I could not access your blog. I also live in KS! Enjoyed your story! WE have a lot in common.