I remember the exact moment when I realized that Jesus loved me—and LIKED me—ALL the time, not just when I had performed correctly. My life seemed like it was falling apart around me. I was no longer able to control everything and come across as a “godly” person. I started having panic attacks, and because I didn’t know what they were, I was worried that I might be dying. I was trying to find the reason all of this mess was happening (because there is always a reason, right?), searching my heart and past actions until I was completely confused.
Somehow, in spite of everything, I was still clinging to my relationship with Jesus because I did understand that I was a sinner and He was my Savior. So I took a walk in the woods at my favorite park and talked with Jesus. I told Him that I was a mess and I didn’t know what I’d done to make it this way, but that I was sorry. I remember exactly where I was standing when I knew in my heart that He loved me anyway. There wasn’t an audible voice, but the God of the universe spoke clearly to my heart:
“I have never loved you more than I do right now.”
And I cried, but I didn’t understand because I’d read Romans 8:1 many times: “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.” (NKJV)
To me, that meant that as long as I was doing all the “godly” things God didn’t condemn me, but if I was “in the flesh,” i.e. not performing correctly, then I was under God’s condemnation. I’d lived like that for almost ten years. So, I reasoned, how could God love me so much right now, when it was obvious that I wasn’t “godly”?
My parents joined the Advanced Training Institute (ATI) in the early 90s. They are truly wonderful people and great parents, and they had only the best of intentions. We were never a “hardcore” ATI family. We attended a few seminars, used the Wisdom Booklets, and maybe went to Knoxville twice. My dad was actually a public school teacher and pretty skeptical of a lot of ATI and the conservative home school movement. I am very thankful for him and his wise advice over the years. (He kept me from wearing head-coverings, going to Romania with ATI, getting into a bad courtship, and he encouraged me to go to college.)
I’ve discovered many subtle lies that snuck into my mind through the Wisdom Booklets and other Institute teachings; however, the biggest influence on me was not the program, but a church we started attending when I was fourteen. When I talk about it now, I call it “The Crazy Church.” It was basically a giant, legalistic cult. Every family who went there home schooled, wore dresses, followed the ATI standards and guidelines, practiced courtship, etc. For the first few years, it was huge. People came from over two hours away!
I was young, impressionable, and I wanted desperately to be accepted. There were two groups among the teens: the godly group, and the rebel group. More than anything I wanted people to think well of me, so I learned to do everything I could to be part of the godly group. I followed all the rules; I was ready for the “What has God been teaching you lately” question; I knew the right words to use; I was “meek and quiet.” And at every Sunday service, every mid-week gathering, every youth service project, every winter youth retreat and summer family camp, I learned that God would like me better if I performed correctly.
I played the part and followed the rules well for five years. I became an “example of excellence” and people looked up to me as one of the “godly” older girls. But then I started having doubts. I started questioning. The ridiculous, legalistic standards were just not lining up with the God that I saw in the Bible and in my relationship with Him. Long story short, my doubts and questions ended up getting me classified as a rebel and yanked from my pedestal. It was a frustrating time. These were my friends, my peers. But soon the church was falling apart, and my family, along with many others, left.
In the four years that followed, I started cutting through the lies I’d believed and letting go of my legalistic standards. I stopped wearing dresses, bought my first contemporary Christian CD, worked at a Christian camp (and discovered people who looked “normal” but really loved Jesus!), began college, and started dating a great Christian guy who’d gone to public school (gasp!).
On the surface I’d lost a lot of the legalism and I looked pretty normal. But here in the woods, on this spring day in 2006, I was still struggling with the lies I’d been taught. Jesus said He loved me right now, in the middle of my mess. But the Bible said that I was under condemnation if I wasn’t “in the Spirit.” I went home and got out my Bible. I’d been given a new one for Christmas and it was an English Standard Version. Flipping quickly, I turned to Romans 8:1 and to my surprise, this is what I read:
“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
Period.
Where was the rest of that verse?? I went online and looked at the NIV: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” I searched the NASB: “Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” The only versions that added that extra phrase were the KJV and the NKJV!
I’m not trying to start a Bible version argument here, but in that moment I realized that, once again, I had believed a lie. There was no condemnation to those who were in Christ Jesus! I was in Jesus because I believed that He had saved me—I was not condemned! A huge weight fell off of me. I laughed and cried and knew for the first time the grace and love of my Savior, and His amazing, unconditional love for me.
I’m still picking through the lies I’ve been taught and believed over the years. But I am able to look back and know that in the middle of everything, God was still in control, He still had a plan, and He will use the things I went through for His glory.
Christy and her wonderfully opposite husband live in Michigan with their two children. She was homeschooled K-12, and involved with the ATI program in some form or another from 1993-2003. Following in her father's footsteps, Christy graduated with a teaching degree from a secular college, taught for a few years, and is now choosing to be a stay-at-home mom, but not legalistically. She is passionate about the truth and about helping people find genuine relationship with Jesus Christ.
It is truly an amazing moment when you realize that God loves you. He just loves you. It isn't dependent on what you do, good or bad. He just does. Many people think that means that you are going to go crazy and do sinful things-- or things they consider sinful- because you don't have to earn God's favor. But why would you want to displease someone who loves you no matter whatyou do. You want to please Him and that love will check your actions better than a list of rules you don't agree with or understand will.
So true! I love your comment! Obeying out of love for our Savior is completely different that obeying because we are trying to earn something. Thanks!!
This was comforting to my heart...It sounds like we went to the same church and your experiences sound so similar to what I have gone through. I am still wrestling my way through all of this and your words bring hope. Thank you!
You're welcome, Hannah! Honestly, this is the first time I've really done much talking about it since I left everything ten years ago. God's been working on me and showing me that he wants me to use what I've been through to encourage others. So, I'm trying to obey. I'm praying for you as you wrestle your way through and find the truth!
Beautiful testimony! Very similar to some aspects of mine. Glad you shared this.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful testimony. I too, was deeply moved when it finally hit me that Jesus truly loved and accepted me, not based on my performance or lack thereof.
Because Bill Gothard was a master at twisting Scripture and emphasizing parts of verses out of context, I wonder if the KJV version of Romans 8:1 could have been misunderstood. When you read it through his legalistic lens, it does sound a lot like our walk determines God's acceptance of us. But there is a reason that His acceptance comes first in the verse and is followed by a comma. The way I see it, if we are "in Christ" we ARE walking according to the Spirit. It is Christ living through us, not our own human effort that makes us accepted. It is all about Christ and abiding in Him.
Yes, as you say, the "rest" of the verse that appears in KJV and NKJV does not contradict our "no condemnation" freedom in Christ; in fact, when read with a non-legalistic lens, it totally enhances it.
That is to say, there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus (walking according to the Spirit/abiding in Christ). It all has the same meaning. We are completely accepted "in the Beloved", meaning God sees those who are in Christ the SAME as He unconditionally accepts/loves/likes His own Son.
Absolutely! When you understand what it means to truly "walk in the spirit" apart from legalism, it is freeing. I agree that our preconceived ideas change the way we view this verse. If I were to read it today in the KJV, I would read it very similarly to your interpretation!
This was a timely piece for me to read today. Thank you.
I completely agree with Shelly and Shari! Bill Gothard never had a chance to twist this great life in Christ freeing Scripture from the KJV (or the NKJV) for me! Well said!
fwiw, here is an excerpt of the textual note from the NET Bible notes on this verse (edited for readability):
The earliest and best witnesses of the Alexandrian and Western texts, as well as a few others, have no additional words for v. 1. Later scribes added the words μὴ κατὰ σάρκα περιπατοῦσιν (“who do not walk according to the flesh”), while even later ones added ἀλλὰ κατὰ πνεῦμα (“but [who do walk] according to the Spirit”). Both the external evidence and the internal evidence are compelling for the shortest reading. The scribes were evidently motivated to add such qualifications (interpolated from v. 4) to insulate Paul’s gospel from charges that it was characterized too much by grace. The KJV follows the longest reading found in Ï (the later manuscript).
Thanks for adding this! It intrigued me so much I wanted to look it up and find out more about it.
Thank you for writing this Christy! It's beautiful. Your experience almost echos mine. Even though we left that church before your family, I still tried to be "holy" and just ended up making a fool of myself. I wore dresses around the girls that wore dresses so I would be accepted, then I would turn around and wear pants around the other kids so that they would accept me. I was living a "double life" and feeling guilty for it. Those were hard years, and sadly those years have left me with a rather negative impression of Michigan. It's not the state's fault though. There are some good memories there as well. I too came to a point of tears of joy when I finally understood that Jesus loved me where I was and for who I was, not this "holy" person I was trying and failing to be. Wow! Anyway, love you and thanks for your heart for God, and for the Bible study you did with us. That's what kept me going through those legalistic years! Hosea is still my favorite book!
Christy,
Thank you for sharing your testimony. I didn't realize you were coming from this kind of church background. I think the problem is that many (though certainly not all) Christians take one of two extremes. Some swing the pendulum toward legalism. They believe that in order to have God love you, you must obey the Biblical commands AND man's traditions. The other extreme is believing that, once you are saved, you can do anything you want and God will still be pleased with you (even when you are clearly sinning.)
I think the truth actually lies somewhere in the middle. Yes, God does love you NO MATTER WHAT, whether you are walking with Him or not. However, that does not mean that we are still in automatic fellowship with Him if we are purposely sinning. Revelation talks about God's displeasure with several of the churches. He still loved them, yes. And He would not condemn them to Hell. Yet, He voiced His displeasure with their actions.
Some Christians feel that if you even mention that something is a sin (even those sins that are clearly defined in the Bible), then you are being legalistic. That is not what legalism is. Legalism is demanding obedience to the law/ tradition for salvation or God's favor. It doesn't simply mean calling sin what it is. It sounds like you have found that balance.
I must disagree that grace is a balance between legalism and license. Rather, legalism and license are two sides of the same coin. They are not opposite extremes, but one fallacy, which is a denial of grace, and the idea that what I do *or* don't do, matters, in my relationship with God. In contrast, grace is in a completely different category. Grace says, "nothing in my hand I bring," and, "Jesus paid it all". Both legalism and license focus on our own actions. Grace knows this question is irrelevant. Grace offers freedom.
Finally, someone who actually understands the Truth. Gather this up and the only conclusion is this: Bill Gothard teaches a false Christianity. ANOTHER GOSPEL. His teaching is not a matter of, "too much law." His teaching is heresy -- a denial of the very grace of God in Jesus Christ.
George MacDonald said "God is easy to please but hard to satisfy." Its like a preschool kid drawing pictures for his/her daddy. The picture is a mess but the kid is loved by the dad and the dad loves the kids effort. Over the years the dad helps the kid to keep moving forward in better drawing skills. The kid is motivated by the love of the dad...not fear of condemnation for the mistakes.
Another way to understand the extra statement,"who walk not after the flesh, but after the spirit", is that it is a description of the fact that those who are in Christ will, indeed, walk after the Spirit. Just as certainly as we carry the DNA of our parents in each cell of our body, those who are in Christ Jesus DO walk in the spirit. The problem is that we have been misled to believe that certain activities constitute "walking in the Spirit", and other activities are "walking in the flesh". I wonder if those who actually are not in Christ are the ones who insert all the legalistic ideas into the church, like bg who has been quoted as saying, "Christians can't handle freedom". Perhaps he said that because he knew that he couldn't handle freedom?
I experienced legalism to a heavy degree, and found that legalism is never satisfied. No one can ever do enough to please the demands of legalism. It is like a tractor pull, where the closer you get to the goal, the heavier the weight becomes. It really does work death in our members. I shudder and tremble at the momeries of those days, years I spent in bondage, not realizing that God was not going to condemn me for anything. Not for being unable to meet all the demands placed on an ATI mother/wife. I could weep with relief at this moment.
Thanks for sharing this, Christy. It is very needful and encouraging. And thank you Matthew for showing us the history of Romans 8:1 in the manuscripts. I always appreciate your contributions to these comments.
When did BG say the Christians couldn't handle freedom? What a ridiculous statement, Christianity is all about freedom. Hmmm. came to set the captives free ...
Thanks Christy. This whole thing has brought back a lot of things in my life back to the forefront. I went to a church ( became a Christian as a teen) that was for the most part modeled after Gothard's teachings. It was an annual pilgrimage to go to the nearest seminar 100 miles away.To exacerbate the issue, the church very much believed one could lose their salvation and /or miss the rapture. So you can imagine the extra condemnation - going to the altar all the time, making sure you were really saved and ready for the rapture.To say that a cloud of doubt and condemnation followed many of us around, and the self righteous who bought into every jot and tittle were quick to be condescending to those who didn't. It took me awhile to realize something was wrong. I found freedom over time coming into a real understanding of his grace - but I was very sad having been devoted to that elite type of thinking when I was impressionable. I devoted thousands in tithes, judged people a lot, and generally bought into the fear, separatist, works mentality that existed there. It takes a real work of God to change a person's heart regarding these things. People on the inside genuinely feel they are right and doing God a service. He sometimes has to slap us with a Damascus road experience even within the church to wake us up to His grace, love, and truth. Hope to dialogue with others here. Thanks.
I'm glad I found this site. I was never involved with ATI. I was, however, involved in a Bible school at my church for a couple of years and some of what I'm reading here reminds what I experienced there. There was a expectation in the program that you agreed with everything taught and very high expectations in behavior. My leaders also believed that you should be pushed hard and "broken." I understood that there are things in life that happen that hurt and cause us to become more like Christ but to intentionally cause that didn't seem right. I almost quit the program early but there were many people supporting us and I didn't want to let them down or be seen as a quitter. Also, it seemed as though one of the primary purposes for us being there (though I didn't know it going into it) was for us to do all the dirty work around the church and help with all the outreach programs. We had no choice on this except for one program that we were given a choice on and when we elected not to help with it, half-way through the year, we were told that they were disappointed in us because they gave us the choice and we chose not to (we wanted to spend one of the few nights off with our host families). So then we were required to help with that program as well. We never knew from day to day what was going to happen. Even though we had a schedule, the schedule would change at a moment's notice which was very frustrating! We were told we needed to be flexible. I understand needing to be flexible but our feelings and opinions were very rarely taken into account. And it seemed as though if you expressed disagreement with the leader, you were rebellious. It was a very confusing time for me and I doubted myself so much! It was a constant battle to not become bitter. I was very loyal and committed to that church but at one point, I was surprised to find that I actually wanted to leave. I remember the day that I felt God say so clearly to my heart that if I never did another thing for Him, it was ok. What mattered above all else was that I had a relationship with Him. I still struggle with condemnation but He's been reminding me of His unconditional love and acceptance.
I feel you Jamie. I'm sorry you had that experience, I'm glad you were able to get away from it!