The Detour

You are here:

Home
Featured Article
The Detour

The Detour

16 January 2014, 06:00

The Detour

by Michelle Kohler

I took a detour to myself,
To my fears and doubts in my mind;
To my feelings of hopelessness and hurt
Of pain and confusion and shame.

I took a detour to the self
That yells and screams for his own way,
That feeds on being right
Sobbing at the unfairness of life.

This detour took me down a path of giving in to me
Of what I want and think I need.
It put ‘me’ in front of ‘you’ and ‘Him.’
In front of Love and Truth and Peace.

And ‘I’ liked it. ‘I’ loved it.
And me? He felt in charge.
Finally free to be in control of ‘self’ and life
And that freedom it’s denied.

The detour had signs that said ‘run’ and ‘hide.’
‘You are alone,’ and ‘no one cares.’
Those signs seemed true in my selfish brain.
And it felt great, and I let my pain reign.

Soon my detour came to a round-about.
And around and around and around I went.
Until confusion and terror
Were ruling my mind.

That choice to stop,
To not try to control,
To acknowledge my freedom
In the midst of my detour.

It would mean losing, not winning.
Not striving, not trying.
Being. Not doing.
Being true to myself, showing up,
Seeing pain not my own.

My mind yelled its protest
As I slowed to a stop.
And I let my pain go and then felt the hurt.
Screaming and sobbing in anguish and tears,
I let myself see there were signs I’d denied.

A sign said to breathe…
To feel that my body and mind
Could relax into rhythm
And release all the tension I had bottled inside.

Another said listen. So I stopped and I heard
My heart beating softly without effort or trying.
My body just knew on its own how to work.
I didn’t need to figure anything out.

The next sign said ‘sink.’
I stared and I blinked.
‘Sink into what??” my brain tried to conceive.
Breathing and hearing I kept slowing down

Until I found myself deep, very deep down inside.
Inside of myself.
Of my being, my soul.
Of that part of me that knows
I don’t have control.

That voice inside
That I try to ignore
But it keeps yelling truth
Past my mind – to my soul.

Then I felt something churning and filling my self.
That self that just moments before had felt terror
Was now feeling ‘self’ dissolving away.
I looked in it’s place and saw things painful and raw.

Things the detour I’d taken
Had brought into the light.
Things like my pride. And my ego.
Ambitions and fears.

I took a step back with tears on my face,
These tears not of anger—
But of remorse and of grief.
I saw how my ‘self’
Had hurt people I love.
People who’ve seen through the ‘self’ to my soul.

Through the tears and the ‘sorry’s
‘Forgive me’s’ and hugs.
I saw with a start that I knew where I was.
It didn’t feel as it had
Before my ‘self’ detour.
It felt truer and safer
And good to be home.

I saw my road leads to mountains,
Through valleys, and hills.
And noticed the detours
That peppered the trails.
This one was harder,
Harder then some.

I guess I could focus
On detours and failures.
On ‘what if’s’ and ‘oh no’s.’
I could keep my eyes fixed
On the sides of the road.

But I choose to be brave,
To embrace the real me.
To find her and love her
And set her soul free.

Michelle was raised in the ATI program from age 5. At age 24 she left everything she knew and moved from the east coast to Texas where she currently lives. In 2009 she fell in love with and married a former ATI student. Together they are experiencing freedom from legalism and Christianism and discovering Love and Grace to be overwhelming and life changing. She writes at www.fallingintofreedom.com

All articles on this site reflect the views of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of other Recovering Grace contributors or the leadership of the site. Students who have survived Gothardism tend to end up at a wide variety of places on the spiritual and theological spectrum, thus the diversity of opinions expressed on this website reflects that. For our official statement of beliefs, click here.

About the author

2 Comments

LJ January 16, 2014 Reply

Ahhh! The beauty of freedom!
Eliza January 26, 2014 Reply

Beautiful. :)

The Detour

The Detour

About the author

2 Comments

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Explore All Content

Seen "Shiny Happy People?"

Their Day in Court: Part Three

Their Day in Court: Part Two

Their Day in Court: Part One

Statement from Recovering Grace regarding the lawsuit a ...

Rethinking the Nativity

Bill Gothard’s Powerless Gospel

Plaintiffs Amend Lawsuit Against IBLP, Also Sue Bill Go ...

An ATI Education, Final Chapter: Guilty Silence

Introducing our IBYC/IBLP Facebook Recovery Group

Plaintiffs Amend Lawsuit Against IBLP, Also Sue Bill Go ...

Charlotte's Story

Bill’s Cabin: Uncovering Sin

Sacred Grooming, Part Six: A Secretary's Account of Lif ...

Trapped in the Shadow of 'God's Anointed': Breaking fre ...

Our Response to Bill Gothard’s Statement

A Call to Repentance

Bill Gothard Issues Public Statement

The Agent of Satan

Confident Statements Do Not a Solid Argument Make

Search Recovering Grace

Recent Posts

Tags

The Detour

The Detour

About the author

Related posts

2 Comments

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Explore All Content

Search Recovering Grace

Recent Posts

Tags