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I grew up in the homeschool subculture of Bill Gothard and his Advanced Training Institute (ATI). I participated in Children’s Institutes, worked at Training Centers stateside and in Russia, and attended Oak Brook College of Law, Young Men’s Conferences, and too many seminars to count. Though I learned much from these experiences and am grateful for them, they laid the foundation for spiritual manipulation later in life. And although I was out of the IBLP bubble by the time I saw the manipulation for what it was, the Manipulator used words and phrases that I had heard before. They seemed biblical and very right, but they were not.
I had been groomed for this. My family of origin was very loving, but that did not prevent me from absorbing patterns of interaction that left me wide open to spiritual manipulation. IBLP laid that foundation and gave the Manipulators their tools—tools that inflicted deep pain. Tools that I’m just now beginning to recognize.
My hope is that this article will expose these weapons and show how manipulators wield them. Many spiritual manipulators follow a pattern. They use the same key words, the same accusations, the same tactics. Their weapons can leave the Target breathless, alone, and without recourse. There is no safe place to hide. If you’ve ever been targeted, you’ll know the pain and confusion these four tools can inflict.
In brief, spiritual manipulators tend to use four tools: they accuse the Target of disrespect, gossip, pride, and having a “blind spot.” Manipulators love using these four accusations, regardless of their truth. They are easy to drop on people, and usually the purpose is not to bring the Target back to Jesus, but to manipulate the Target and/or protect the Manipulator.
If you are accused of these things, examine the accusations carefully. Seek God’s counsel and the wisdom of trusted friends. It took years for me to recover from some of these accusations, and that only happened after many mature church leaders and friends (and a good therapist) countered and defused them.
TOOL #1: Disrespect
When the Manipulator senses any sort of disagreement or eroding influence, he or she will accuse the Target of disrespect. Manipulators will often start with the accusation of disrespect, hoping the Target will apologize quickly and stop whatever action is “disrespectful.”
Be very, very careful when you hear the word “respect” being thrown around, especially in conflict. In controlling religious circles, it is a magical tool used to shut people up. It is often used by Manipulators to protect those in power, believing that if everyone would just be quiet and “respectful,” it would all be okay. But the trouble is, the minute you have to start demanding respect, you’ve lost it. Yes, of course, we are told to respect those in authority, the government, church leaders, etc. However, that truth is not a prohibition on kindly disagreeing and respectfully bringing up things you see as inconsistencies or flaws.
If you’re accused of disrespect, check your motives, check with some trusted counselors outside the situation, and watch out for Tool #2.
TOOL #2: Gossip
Manipulators will use a wide definition of gossip—and apply it liberally. They love labeling any negative talk “gossip,” even if it’s not. They will preach about it, talk about it, and elevate the sin of gossip to the level of blasphemy. By labeling all talk of this sort “gossip,” they magically remove their own responsibility to deal with the truth.
Beware that despite all the preaching and teaching on gossip, a concrete definition will be absent. For example, if reporting a possible crime to the authorities is “gossip,” it’s time to look at your definitions.
I heard some really bad stuff about a person once, so I went to the person directly and asked if it were true. Their incredulous response: “You’re asking me to verify gossip?!” Well, I guess, but that wasn’t gossip. I wasn’t spreading false information, and I wasn’t lying about anyone; I was simply going to the source and asking about some things that very much pertained to my life, too. I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. However, the Manipulator accused me of gossiping.
When being accused of gossip, don’t be surprised if the Manipulator also blames you for “taking up another’s offense.” Feel free to remind him, respectfully, that sometimes the Bible actually commands us to take up another’s offense, especially when the other person is powerless to defend him or herself.
If you’re accused of gossip, review the Biblical definition, check your heart, and watch out for Tool #3.
TOOL #3: Pride
If the first two tools don’t work, manipulators will often accuse the Target of pride. Manipulators seem to love the blanket accusation of pride. If the Target disagrees or has her own opinion (of events or ideas), she is arrogant and prideful. A more humble person would see the correctness and rightness of the Manipulator.
This type of accusation puts the Target in an awkward position. The Target can’t really argue back, because that just reinforces the Manipulator’s point. The Target is left with no alternative but to accept this accusation, and thus this is a very useful tool for manipulators. Furthermore, since we are taught from a very early age that pride is one of the worst sins ever, this accusation carries a lot of weight. We know it’s serious business.
This accusation in particular rocked my world. I now realize that it was not made in good faith. It was not made to help me get closer to Jesus; the accusation was made to control me—to control my behavior. And control me it did. For years, I questioned everything I did, everything I said. “Am I being prideful? Does this look arrogant?” It was a life without freedom, a life without grace.
Fortunately, through wise encouragement from older Christians and a good counselor, I was able to see the damage done by the Manipulator. The fear of coming across as prideful or arrogant is still there. The voice of the Manipulator still rings loud and clear. However, I don’t listen to that voice as much as I used to. I’ve realized that some of the things about me that were labeled “arrogant” and “prideful” are in fact gifts from God. Gifts to serve the Church, not sins to confess. I have found freedom.
TOOL # 4: The Blind Spot
Manipulators tend to save this one for last. If they’ve tried everything else and are unable to manipulate the Target, they may simply accuse the Target of “having blind spots.” And if the target denies the existence of a particular blind spot, that’s taken as proof of its existence.
This is the Manipulator’s perfect tool.
Do we have blind spots, spiritually? Yup, probably. And could God use a Manipulator to reveal those blind spots? Maybe. But it seems that confronting blind spots is better done by a caring friend or a close confidant— not a Manipulator who uses the “doctrine” of blind spots as a last resort.
Spiritual manipulators are angered and annoyed by people who aren’t easily manipulated. And although anger can be holy, it is one of the surest signs of a spiritual manipulator who’s out of a job. A spiritual manipulator who can’t manipulate is like a gun with a knot in the barrel. So be careful!
Spiritual manipulation hurts and wounds—deeply. If you’ve been targeted, may God in his infinite mercy restore the damage done. May he provide deep peace and a safe shelter. May you see the character of his heart, washed clean of the manipulators who used God’s words to damage and control rather than to heal and set free.
Grace to you all.
Excellent article. Manipulators are so good, at pointing out others faults, and taking liberty, even when its not asked for. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
"Taking liberty." Yeah, that's so true! Thanks for the comment, Annie!
WOW. I may print this out for reference, or at least keep an outline on my phone and pull it out for quick sanity checks as needed! In my own experience, I would just substitute the word "selfishness" for "pride." Excellent article!
"In my own experience, I would just substitute the word "selfishness" for "pride.""
Or "unforgiveness."
This is an excellent article. May the Lord give us discernment and boldness, especially when it has been ingrained in us to "not question authority," or "not to spread a bad report."
Thanks, Elizabeth. I've actually used this article as a quick sanity check too! I'm so glad it was helpful.
Good points. I think what is called "gaslighting" is another such tactic. And let's not forget the "bitterness" accusation, you know, what Debi Pearl accused the RG blog of being.
That is spot on.
True. An accusation of "bitterness" is a catchall, vague, hard to quantify and therefore easy to use tool. Spiritual Manipulators love it. Thanks for adding that to the conversation!
Thank you for a great article which clearly and concisely points out and defines these four manipulation techniques!
You're welcome, LJ. I'm glad it was helpful!
I liked how you pointed out for tool 1 that if someone is demanding respect, they really have lost it. That can be expanded to submission as well. If someone is demanding submission, then it is a sign not to submit to them. God does not demand respect or submission and gives us free will not to do both. I imagine with all these steps came from direct interaction with Bill Gothard. I am wondering when Bill accused someone of blind spots, gossip, anger etc if the accused would say back to Bill. "you know Bill, you need to take the blank out of your own eye before you accuse me of gossip, anger etc and so." If people answered him back like this, would he get red in the face and blow up like a balloon? Of course having submission teaching pounded into most of the people surrounding him, they would be too scared to do so. But having surrounded himself with yes men and women, Bill probably didn't get the responses back he deserved.
Agreed. Any time I hear someone demanding respect or submission, I'm almost immediately suspect. There are such grander and healthier forms of motivation! But now that I think about it, it never really was about motivation; it was about control.
So well written. There are sneaky forms of this hiding all over current churches. North American religious leaders have made this such a common way that church members actually seek out legalistic structure when searching for a "good church." We recently attended a church that used "Growth Tracks" and the first week of new attendees classes required "fill in the blank" answers in a book where the blanks were to be filled in with the words "orphan" for a Christian not a member of a church (not the universal church, but their church), "assimilate" for proper behavior of a member in this church or they would not be acting in unity, "gossip" anyone who causes descention or decision by questioning the 'core values & principles' of membership, "consumer" a person who does not tithe & serve, "cheerfully" how you must serve....the frightening list goes on and on like a Socialist agenda. These churches are part of a huge church planting network worldwide, committed to a new church plant every 6 days so if you think they aren't hiding out in your neighborhood, you are mistaken. My husband & I tore out of there as quick as we could & when I googled this small start up, grass roots church that had been started by a pastor & his wife out of their own small business' resources- we found the "Growth Chart" listed on this mega church website and found the church's name listed as one of their plants that had been started with a $25k plant loan that gets repaid through a small business plan structure. Then we were horrified to find 60 other plantings by the same megachurch network within a short distance from our home. When we explained that we could not sign the contract in the "Growth Chart" book to the friends we had made in the church, they all stopped ALL communication with us. We had been friends with one of the couples for 10 years. It was a level of bizarre that rivals the lbacklash I experienced when leaving the ATI/Gothard church after graduation from their school in my youth. My friends excommunicated me. I'm wiser now but burnt out & tired of having to do detective work when trying to find a church home.
This reminds me of the Borg on a Star Trek episode, not the church of Jesus Christ. So many mega-churches are like this and yet sheeple still go.
Reminds me a lot of how MLM (Multi Level Marketing) works. I've been approached with the same sort of invitation and once it's clear that I'm not buying, my "friend" just drops off the radar. These days, I will not go near any MLM - at any "level". All you have to do to be successful is to sell your soul to the thing. No thanks. And I'm with you - if you find yourself in a church that uses these tactics - RUN.
Jim K.
Ah, it's so sad when the Church feels and looks like a gimmicky multi-level-marketing scheme (or worse). I'm sorry for that, Lisa, and I pray that God will continue to lead you to loving people who are following after Him, not straining for their own followers.
Let's not forget that if you don't play the game and call it for what it is, then you are "bitter". I have had that said about a number of people who don't drink the koolaid anymore.
I hate it when the accusation of "bitterness" is used to control and dominate. Thanks for the comment, Quilter!
I agree. This article is on point. Having been in a similar situation -- in IBLP/ATI adn then out.... I was still set up for the next experience with a manipulator which ended up being hard to see and get out of and led to more spiritual abuse. I would add, as a female, the accusation of "unsubmissive" falls here as well. We are to submit to one another and to our leadership, but if this is demanded, it is often an abusive situation.
Thanks, Michele. It's so sad that one bad experience like this can sort of blind you to the next one. May God give us eyes to see!
Great article! I could totally identify with it. I would put "bitterness" right there with "pride" when dealing with ATI people, because the bitterness card was huge.
I love how you constantly make the distinction between someone pointing out sin to point us to Christ and someone using these tools to manipulate.
Thank you for writing this.
"The bitterness card." Yeah, that's a thing. I'm glad this was helpful.
I went to one BLP Seminar years ago, but never got into it. I think that that made a certain person angry. I would call her a manipulator. She accused me of not having my "yea be yea, and my nay be nay." I'm not sure if that was her own wording, or if that's from Gothard material. Could someone tell me what she meant by that? I don't think she used it in its Biblical context. I felt like she was calling me a liar, but she never told me what made her say that. I am not a liar (a person who habitually tells falsehoods). I thought maybe there was a Gothard definition somewhere that she used to hit me with. She seemed to rate everyone by how well they conformed to the exact page and paragraph of his material.
That's Matthew 5:37. It just means when you answer someone you don't have to include an oath (like "I swear by heaven I'm telling the truth" ).
My teenage brother couldn't decide what he wanted to do with his life (career, school, etc.) He tried out a couple of things and realized he didn't like it, and pursued something else, and dad came out with the 'a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.' Fortunately, my brother responded with, 'Dad, being double minded is saying, 'murder is wrong', but then going out and murdering. Me not knowing which decision to make for my career isn't being double minded.'
Thanks Bill, for teaching everyone how to take Scripture wildly out of context to make it say whatever you want, and try to control people with it.
Wow!
Hmm - I would call it letting your nay be nay - as in, "Nay, I'm not interested!"
The expression comes from the Sermon On The Mount and it has to do with swearing an oath. Jesus said let your yes mean "yes" and your no mean "no". IOW, your word should not require the shackle of an oath to be true. And it has nothing to do with whether you're into IBLP. What this woman wanted to know was whether you were a blind follower. I knew someone like this once and she was a real piece of work, to the point of interfering with other families. She wanted to "oversee" my wife's and my "courtship". I pondered that for about 4 seconds and said, "MMmmmmmm... naaaaaaah" (or should I say... Nay?).
This is also why there are so very many abusive marriages in the church today. I have not read, "Love and Respect" but everyone needs love and everyone needs respect. It is the disrespect toward women that cause most of the abuse, and the demanding of respect by men.
And if you notice men never demand that other men follow the command to love their wives as their own bodies or to die for them if necessary.
"Never" is extremely unfair and false. Unless by "demand" you mean that no one is forced to love well. Do you really believe that love can be forced?
I teach that men should love to the point of death, my pastor teaches this. Please be realistic and be fair with those who could be held up as good examples, even if you think they are too few. "Too often neglected" makes your point without being demonstrably false. I am very sorry if you have "never" heard a man teach this.
I agree that never was too strong of a word. I don't understand what you are referring to by saying if I believe love can be forced.
"Demand" sounded rather forceful to me. Admonish, encourage, teach, instruct, these are the verbs of those called to prepare the saints for the works of ministry. I believe the deep source of your feelings is genuine and not unfair as emotion. But the answers the church needs to hear will be kind and well-reasoned.
If you had not been well-intended, your statement was actually quite slanderous, directed at all men for all time. But I am confident that you are not looking for more "demanding" leaders, but leaders who are more honorable and exemplary, loving others more than themselves.
Oh, that's a whole other matter! : ) My wife actually wrote a bit about "Love and Respect" and the mutual need for both here: https://trotters41.com/2015/08/13/our-journey-to-finding-joy-in-marriage-and-the-things-we-lost-along-the-way/
"the minute you have to start demanding respect, you’ve lost it. "
I so wish I would have been schooled in this - taught things about respect and how it is earned and then kept through relationship.
It is an awe inspiring thing for me to dwell on this quote for a while. Things that come to mind: how NOT to be as a Mom, and my great respect for God due to his always being true and Who He says He is and always being loving and gentle and right...
Thank you for a great article. I think the trump card I have seen pulled out is 2 fold - "you are a rebel" (or as a married woman you are a Jezebel - you would not believe how many women have been called this when they were spot on with their observations) and "you are bitter"
"Jezebel" is the just the Christian version of other bad words men call women. So sad! I'm so glad this article was helpful for you! God bless, Julia!
Have to follow up to my earlier post. This article was so timely. The longtime friend I mentioned, that just stopped all communication with me after I questioned the doctrines of their churches' classes, contacted me today to confront me on posting things on Facebook about their church. Since I never posted anything regarding the church we left, I can only assume that she meant me posting THIS article! What!? Then she followed it up by telling me she wouldn't be being a true Christian friend if she didn't point out My Mistakes. She went on to say I wasn't facing my own culpability. That I had never taken responsibility for my own faults.... I guess that was "Pride" & "Blind spots" all rolled into a vague accusation masked words of the burdens of a Christian friendship.
Well, the fact that me posting this article was interpreted as an attack on that church speaks volumes because I never once mentioned the church's name in my post on my page, in fact I just posted the article & said it was worth reading. Secondly, and most sadly, I wish she had read the article & gained something from it. But at least, thanks to reading this article, I better understood her actions & could choose not to get hurt by her words or take her too personally.
Thanks again for writing this!
Ah, man! I'm sorry she didn't get it, but I'm glad you had some new tools! Thanks for sharing this story, Lisa.
I have experienced all of these and more. I wrote my own piece about people demanding respect: http://watchtheshepherd.blogspot.com/2014/03/if-you-expect-real-respect.html
Thanks for the link, Virginia. I'll check that out...
No wonder manipulators tell their prisoners not to read websites like RG. They might begin to see "behind the curtain". Jesus was the one who said "you shall know the truth and the truth shall make you FREE!
True story!
Great Article. I've also noticed that if someone behaves in a way that isn't approved, they'll be accused of being in rebellion. You just can't win with these manipulative people.
Yeah, I think that's one of the biggest things to really internalize. The game is rigged and you cannot win. At least, you can't win if you keep playing their game!
The very idea of controlling someone is so repulsive I still cannot believe that we do it so often in the church. Jesus never, ever controlled anyone. His disciples were free to leave at any time and some did (John 6:66-69). This is what made his life and teaching so compelling--it was freely given AND FREELY RECEIVED. Manipulative agendas, and growth charts have no place in the Church of Jesus Christ. If we will,instead, concentrate on love and truth from the Scripture, God will cause the transformation by His amazing grace.
Yeah, turns out LOVE doesn't manipulate...
This article outlines exactly what it felt like growing up in a strict Catholic family as well. It is really gratifying to see my feelings validated. Spiritual manipulators would deny a person all of the rights we are supposed to have as citizens of the United States of America. Yet they would be the first to vociferously proclaim how much they "love" America.
This describes to a tee the problems and patterns of a destructive way that many church leaders and specific churches deal with disagreement- I know many people who have received this very treatment through their church leadership and many times to the point of shunning and pulling others against the person who questions them in their handling of the problem or what they think as a threat. This style of counseling just results in confusion and guilt especially when there is no fault on the part of the receiver. It is a single sided way of handling conflicts from a self righteous person . thanks for posting. This is an important article to get into the hands of others.
Thanks for the encouragement, Robin.
In the comments I see a trend of people saying that whenever any of these 4 words/phrases are used then it is automatically in the category of spiritual abuse or spiritual manipulation. May I respectfully point out that each of these 4 areas (disrespect, gossip, pride, and having a “blind spot”) represent the *potential* for real sin issues. They also definitely represent the *potential* for misuse and manipulation. But as a believer if someone confronts me with one of these issues I need to not say "if you have to ask for my respect then you've already lost it" (which I'm not sure I quite catch the biblical basis for) but rather I should maturely recognize there are 2 possibilities - either I am not respecting someone I should and I need to change or it is a false accusation, perhaps designed to manipulate. But let's not jump to the 2nd without seriously considering the first... In our desire to be free of spiritual abuse (a GOOD thing) let's not forget that Spirit-led transformation is a BEAUTIFUL thing and it requires real change, perhaps even uncomfortable change.
Peter, thanks for dropping by.
Of course you may point out the trend (unbalanced ?) you see and caution RG about the potential for missing out on proper correction (my words.) If you were in a normal audience (say, Sunday school ) that observation might be be carefully considered and valued. It is a little tougher crowd here at RC. The comments that show the trend you point out are part of the healing.
I am guessing from what you said, you might be new to RG. If you are, welcome. To help you understand the trend, may I recommend the article "Finding my NO!" Sept 9, 2013.
In some ways, FMN should be the follow up article to this one. Leisl tells her story about the incessant advise and correction that almost destroyed her. Her story resonated with many of us at RG. I just reread the whole thing. Here is how I would tie in her article with your comment.
In her desire to be free of spiritual abuse she had to forget the phrase "the wishes of my authority were God’s will” (Spirit-led transformation ?) that was drilled in to her for years and instead concentrate on a self defense mindset that allowed her to move into her own apartment. Forget the morbid introspection and blind submission. Just get out. This was the beginning of her freedom. Not exactly balanced by many standards.
Moving along, Peter you respectfully said, "...but rather I should maturely recognize there are 2 possibilities- either I am not respecting someone I should and I need to change or it is a false accusation, perhaps designed to manipulate. But let's not jump..."
Of course we should maturely recognize these 2 basic Christian truths. The problem is the assumption of maturity. We might not all be as emotionally mature and whole as we would like to be. You did not come out and say this, but it looks like you might believe, "You at RG should just get over it, and should maturely recognize there are 2 possibilities and discuss accordingly. There should not be an unbalanced trend in the discussion."
Perhaps you do not believe this, just my take. I don't speak for RG. It sometimes takes a lot of reading to understand the pain and abuse the RG crowd has gone through, if you have not spent years in ATI/IBLP.
Peter
That's just it. We who have been subject to this spiritual abuse (already having a relationship with Jesus Christ) all we want to do is live a life pleasing to Him and share the Gospel with others. (But the Manipulator knows this and plays on it). Because of our desire to please God we DO first ask God if there is any truth to statements saying we are "disrespectful", "gossiping", "prideful", "have a blind spot", "bitter", etc. We ask God right then and there in our silence AND we ask God over and over because even after we don't find fault in ourselves (because God helped us see the truth- and special side note we don't need a mediator to interpret what God tells us through the Bible and our own relationship with Him)those manipulators don't ever reject their statements or take them back (even though they weren't true in the first place)so we continue to think there is truth to what the manipulator/s said. I think you meant that with good intentions, but to an abused person it can just make things worse because to me it sounded like you were putting blame on the innocent and we are all too familiar with that false guilt feeling. It's also offensive really in that it implies immaturity in all spiritually abused people. This kind of abuse runs REALLY deep and our first stop is asking God if the accusations are true because if they are we want to make it right and continue growing in our relationship with God. It's the FIRST thing on our minds, not the last or even absent from our minds as the Manipulator would try to make it out. As if we'd never even THINK of going to God first. Of course we would go to God we are sinners saved by God just like the Manipulator is said to be. This kind of manipulation makes it out as if the "offended" is SO far from God and that only the Manipulator could possibly be close to God and want what God wants. That fails to recognize that others can also have a personal relationship with God and that God can reveal himself to other people not just "special" people like the Manipulator. AND that with the out like "Blind Spot" we could never "acheive" that kind of closeness with God.
To GuyS, Thanks for your words of clarification.
Jean, love your examples and insights. So good to walk in freedom of false, evil, vile guilt.
Peter, if the circumstances are that any and every disagreement, question or criticism of a pastor or leader is met with one of the four, there is a pretty good chance that that leader is abusing "authority". As RESPONSES to criticism or disagreements, they are each efforts to change the subject by redirecting criticism back onto the "subordinate". If such is the response to EVERY disagreement, it indicates an inability of the leader to accept any correction or rebuke. The leader cannot always be right. If they act like they are, get out of there.
"Instruct the wise and they will be wiser still." I see wisdom in considering both possibilities that Peter presents - am I hearing something with some validity about my own approach or am I being manipulated? (The trickiest situation would be a mix of both)
Where spiritual abuse is so pernicious is that words and concepts that in themselves can mean something right and good are hijacked and turned into tactics and tools of manipulation.
At one end, a well-timed request to someone who is being rude to simply treat the leaders with the respect is sometimes appropriate and needed. At the other, a fabric of these 4 things that is used to create a net to protect the leaders against any constructive criticism is spiritual abuse.
MatthewS you said,
"...a fabric of these 4 things that is used to create a net to protect the leaders against any constructive criticism is spiritual abuse."
I love this line. I modified it to "BG is a master at creating a fabric of deceptive language to create a net to enslave others and protect his precious "Godly" image" so it would not look stolen. I have already used it :)
Hey, I'd say you have your own line there, sir, and a good one at that :-)
Thank you for this...just starting to understand the manipulation that has been used against me over the last few years. This article helps me...I apologised for being disrespectful...I lived in fear of being seen as a gossip, so I don't think they had to use the last two. Now that I've left I think they might be the explanations given for my exit though. Thank you so much for writing though, it helps me to realise I haven't gone mad.
Oh, I apologized so many times! Manipulators can make you feel like you're going crazy. Like it's all your fault. It's terrifying! I'm so glad this helped bring some clarity.
I think these tactics can also be used by parents who are trying to manipulate members of their family. Once when trying to confront my abusive father about real issues, he said that if I did not respect him, he would rather not have me as a daughter. Up to that point, respect had not been part of the discussion. He was basically outraged that I dared to question him.
Favorite phrases of my father: "You need to get off your program and get on mine." "You need to have a teachable spirit."
Lindsey, It is a hard thing to have a father like that. I am sorry you had to go through that. It is no fun. Sounds like you might be doing better now.
My father was also manipulative and became outraged when anyone dared disagree with him. He was sure he had a direct line to God. If you had any doubts of this, he would remind you. Disagreeing with him was disagreeing with God. I am sure you have seen youtubes, "Hitler finds out..." That was my dad when you questioned him, in your face ranting like a madman.
I was 35 when I was finally able to disagree and let the cards fall wherever. I wish I could have done it at 18 (no way to do it before, you would be kicked out of the house.) But I was a good little cult follower (of Bill Gothard) and always second guessed myself. I was trapped for years with false accusations (just like the 4 in the article) that paralyzed me. So good to be free now.
@GuyS, Thank you for sharing that with me. Thinking of the Hitler videos made me chuckle. My dad also had amazing stamina for rants and inquisitions. You would eventually give in from sheer fatigue.
I appreciate how loving the Internet commenters are on this site. I have seen a lot of kindness.
Lindsey, Two years ago or so I began reading here. The kindness shown to some (who I would not give the time of day,) was amazing. I have learned so much. Help with stuff I struggled with for years.
I am so sorry, Lindsey. Yikes. I hope that God will continue to bring grace and healing to those painful places...
[…] originally published this article at Recovering Grace under the pseudonym Mark Andrews. It has been slightly edited for a broader audience. This is my […]
This was interesting. My question is whether or not some of these "manipulators" know that they are doing this? Or have they been so ingrained in this society that they don't realize they are doing this?
We can often manipulate without realizing it because that is what we grew up seeing in our culture.
Either way though, we all have the responsibility to respond as God would have us respond without letting those manipulators make us bitter or rebellious.
Good question. I think many manipulators don't realize what they're doing. It's a pattern they learned, it's a pattern they've practiced, and probably, it's a pattern that was done to them. Sometimes remembering that can help extend grace to them too...
My step-mom used Tool #3, just substitute "pride" with "selfish and ungrateful." I am not sure if she followed any ATI/IBLP teachings, but the more I learn about Gothardism, the more I can understand her spiritual manipulation. My dad liked controlling women. His mom was controlling, my mom was controlling, and so was my step-mom. The difference between my mom and step-mom is that my step-mom is controlling with a smile on her face and that saccharine sweet tone that a lot of fundie Christian women develop.
I originally published this post under the pseudonym "Mark Andrew" because I was scared. But I'm pretty much over that now. Thank you, Recovering Grace, for giving the space and voice for these discussions.
all for ONE,
Jonathan Mark Trotter