The cardinal rule for those who live and work at Institute in Basic Life Principles (IBLP) training centers is that unmarried persons of opposite genders do not mix. They especially do not “single each other out” or show any form of affection to one another.
In some ways, this is perfectly understandable: you can hardly run a Christian ministry staffed by teens and 20-somethings if the young people are getting into all kinds of emotional entanglements. And a ministry that has been rocked by one highly publicized sex scandal is justified in taking stringent measures to prevent another.
But this “no fraternization” rule led to bizarre incidents, including one of the most traumatic experiences I endured while working for IBLP: I was strongly reprimanded for spending an inordinate amount of time and showing inappropriate affection to a young man. The only problem is that I had every right to spend time with and lavish affection on this particular young man — because he was my younger brother.
Ours is a very close, very affectionate family. We hug, hold hands, and show our love for each other in myriad ways. So it was natural that I would spend a lot of time with my brother when he came to visit headquarters. He had been at that Moscow Training Center (MTC) for nearly a year, teaching English in the Russian schools. On his return, he planned to visit and work at IBLP Headquarters for a week before returning home.
When he arrived at the airport, I flung my arms around his neck and hugged him tight. We walked hand-in-hand to the vans, and sat next to each other, talking, all the way back to the Oak Brook campus. On Saturday night, we sat together at dinner before going to view a video of operations at the MTC during the preceding year. The meeting was standing-room only, so we stood against the back wall — me on a chair (because I’m short) and him in front of me (because he’s not). At one point during the video, I looked down and saw tears running down my brother’s cheeks. I put my arms around his shoulders, trying to comfort him. After the meeting, he walked me home, then returned to the guest quarters.
On Sunday, we went to church together, shared a picnic lunch, and walked by the lake, talking about his time in Russia, what he had learned, his worries over his Marine Corps discharge, a girl he wanted to court, and all kinds of family stuff. Most of the time, we were walking side by side, but at times he put his arm around my shoulder or held my hand. We went together to Sunday night meeting, and he again walked me home.
The next morning, an adult leader told me that she needed to see me privately. I was subjected to an extremely distressing lecture on how I needed to stop hanging around with “that boy” or I would have to go home. Outraged,
I quietly explained that this was my brother, whom I had not seen in 18 months, and that there was absolutely nothing wrong with our behavior. She insisted that it had to stop.
I don’t remember everything that was said. There were threats to call my father, to which I responded, “go ahead.” There was a threat to confine me to quarters until my brother left, to which I responded “have you talked to my father about that?” At the end of the interview, I told this leader that I thought there was something very wrong with a family-oriented ministry that discouraged close family relationships. The leader countered with the assertion that it was not widely known that this was my brother, and that I was, therefore, presenting others with a poor testimony and might cause others to break their courtship commitment.
That did it. With angry tears streaming down my face, I said, “How is it a poor testimony that I love my brother?! The Bible says that to the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and unbelieving, nothing is pure. Both their minds and their consciences are corrupted.* I am not responsible for other people’s dirty minds. If people here really think there is something wrong with us walking and talking together in plain sight of God and everybody, then there is something seriously wrong here. I am going to spend as much time as possible with my brother. I will eat meals with him; I will hold hands with him, and I will hug him as often as I can, because once he leaves, I won’t see any of my family again for more than six months. If there is a problem with that, call my dad.”
I was sent to work after that outburst, and I don’t know what was done or said. But I did exactly as I had said I would do, at mealtimes and after work. Sadly, the confrontation left a shadow over the remainder of the week, and it was almost a relief when I took my brother to the airport for his trip home.
More than 15 years later, I am still outraged when I recall this episode. What tragic misunderstanding of Scripture condemns a woman for showing love and affection for her family? What twisted misunderstanding of authority would decree that comforting and encouraging one’s own brother is an offence deserving of a week’s solitary confinement? What kind of depraved mind sees evil in two people walking and talking together publicly?
I keep coming back to Paul’s words to Titus: “To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and unbelieving, nothing is pure. Both their minds and their consciences are corrupted.” Based on experiences like this one, I think there were a number of corrupt minds and consciences in the leadership at IBLP headquarters when I was there.
*Titus 1:15
I've often thought it odd that these groups within the QF/P subculture have an unhealthy obsession with sex and relationships. It seems that's all they can think about.
Wendy, I had a handful of similar experiences during the four years I lived at the IBLP HQ. I remember my sister coming to stay with me - I lived in a Heritage apartment. I had taken a vacation day off from work so that we could spend some much-needed time reconnecting. Because I had taken the day off, we did not set an alarm, nor did we attend the apartment building's 6:30 am group devotion time. I remember the fourty-something adult leader who burst into my apartment and then my BEDROOM, all without knocking or announcing their entrance. They proceeded to flip on the light and yell at me for not having attended the morning devotion. There are so many things wrong with what happened in this scenario that I don't even know where to begin. But it wasn't right. On another occasion, myself and about 4-5 other students began to enjoy playing & singing music together. We began to meet regularly to use the HQ recording studio. It was the sort of music that IBLP approved of - very old-fashioned, classic style hymn arrangements. It was a TON of fun! The time we spent together had nothing to do with romantic interests, there were always at least 5 people present and enjoying the activity. Fast forward to me standing outside of Mr. Gothard's office, underneath the carport, being told by one of his barely-20 assistants that what we were doing was morally wrong and it ended NOW. I remember crying and trying to defend my/ourselves. I was met with cold-hearted insistence that the activity would no longer be allowed. It's just how it was. The experiences speak for themselves, and everyone that spent any amount of time at the IBLP or other training centers during those years has at least one similar story.
I know you Sarah! You worked with my brother at HQ. In fact I think you came and spent a few days with us at our farm.
Everything seemed to come down to appearances at HQ. Good thing that God looks at the heart.
It strikes me how frequently Gothard's materials use personal anecdotes to prove principles: "This worked for so-and-so, and it can work for you too!" I LOVE reading the survivor stories that Wendy, Sarah, and others have shared on this site, because they effectively say, "This DIDN'T work for me, and before you delve into Gothard's teaching you should know what sort of messed-up world you're stepping into." Paul asked the Galatians, "Who took all your joy?" The joy of close family, the joy of friends who sing together... whatever. These stories answer with 'the Institute.' I look forward to more testimonies; they prove the point well.
YES, it is crazy how much everyone focused on appearances and was obsessed with sex and relationships, in a "forbidding anything could in any way be construed as contributing to the forming of male-female relationships" kind of way. When I was at MTC (Moscow Training Center) for a while there was a big group of us (guys and girls) who would sometimes gather in the dining room to play Dutch Blitz (a fun, fast-paced card game) during our few hours of free time on Saturday afternoon. The group was always pretty big... generally 6-12 people. And playing this game right out in public in the dining room. But sure enough, after a few weeks, one of the "adults" shut down our fun, by saying that it looked like it was turning into "a contact sport". Because while laying cards down quickly, our hands occasionally brushed each other's hands. I am serious. We were constantly worried about appearances, and some people were continually getting in trouble for just a look or brief conversation with the other sex... while others, who were in an "inner circle" with the leadership, could outright flirt without getting in trouble. It was crazy. No wonder I got sick for the last couple weeks before I came home, from all the stress.
Wow. Small world. I roomed w/your brother @ the MTC, Wendy. At least I'm pretty sure i did. =) If I'm thinking of the same guy, he probably desperately needed that re-connecting time w/you, too.
(I know I needed that time w/my family before going back to the MTC for another year.)
I had my own philosophy for surviving the abnormal environment at the MTC. It was just safer to have little to no contact with female 'apprenticeship students', since anything could be taken wrong by someone, and I was interested in staying for the whole school year. (I had at least one friend sent back to the US for 'getting too involved w/a girl.')
Therefore, feeling a need for some kind of human interaction outside of the dorm, (which was seen as a 'ministry' anyway), I found myself gravitating towards the families. I could be a friend to the little kids, and older siblings, alike. That helped, and I stayed out of trouble. =)
However, I did manage to get a well-intentioned talking to for being 'too friendly' w/the 10/11 yr old sister of my 12yr old Russian roomie.(I was 20 at the time.)
I bit my tongue, said 'thank you sir' and continued to be a friend to those kids.
I already knew I wasn't coming back to Russia w/ATI. The fact that it was seen as a situation that needed correcting, of course speaks volumes.
What a messed up view on relating to one another as Christians.
I grew up in public school and didn't get saved until I was 18, and even though I had been out in the worst the world has to offer, I STILL have never been anywhere so sex- and relationship-obsessed as an ATI training center. During one program that I was a part of, the female leader of the group seemed to have this bizarre paranoia of us girls behaving innappropriately with each other. We were teen girls, and many of us were quite affectionate. There were shoulder-rubs after hard days, braiding each other's hair, sitting on each other's beds to look at pictures or read together, lots of hugs, even the occasional hand-holding during prayer (really racy stuff, right?). The female leader made a big stink about it, and there wound up being a no-shoulder-rub, no-sitting-on-each-other's-beds, no-hugs-longer-than-a-few-seconds rule. The director even called his daughter up front to demonstrate an "appropriate" hug: he put one arm over her shoulders, gave her a quick squeeze, and let go. You know, the kind of hug you give to that cousin you don't really like. I was later called into his office because me and another girl had been seen sharing a long hug (I happened to be crying at the time, and she was comforting me). He said there were concerns that we could be mistaken for lesbians. The thing is, we'd hugged in the TC. Not like we were out in public. Like you said, to the PURE, all things are pure. To this day, I and most of the other girls who were in that program strongly suspect that the female leader had a secret struggle with lesbianism. Otherwise, why in the world would somebody think it looked perverse for one girl to go into her friend's room and sit on the bed? It's not like we had couches--it was the most comfortable place to sit! That simple! You've got to be pretty sick to read anything sexual into that. But that's how TC leadership was--so very repressed that many of them saw sex everywhere.
Very interesting site,,,I am 56. but back in my early 20's our church skirted into the gothard seminars some. Maybe the involvement was for only a very few years, but as I look back now, I can see where it had some odd and quirky results for a fairly long time...i.e.--the leaders of our church (including my dad) had some very sexist views of women, if a family or persons were having struggles in life w/ health or finances it was b/c of "disobedience", etc.etc.
I honestly wonder if Bill is actually saved, you know scripture says that Satan poses as an angel of light, but bill doesn't even have his definition of God's Grace right. Plus look at the bizarre results of his teaching and the truckloads of people that are destroyed,,,,Satan comes to destroy and to wreak havoc, and that is the result that bg is getting----I do really wonder about bill's salvation. And I have thought about this for quite some time now.
Thank you for this space---keep up the good work.
You will know them by their fruits!
Wow, I can relate on a smaller scale. I got in trouble for hanging out with my younger brother (who is taller than me) while at the Indy TC for the Counseling Seminar in the mid 90s (it was one of the mixed seminars). It was the first thing my family did with ATIA and I remember us both being shocked it was "inappropriate" for us to hang out like we were during the breaks (mostly since we didn't know anyone else there & were kinda overwhelmed with all of the new/weird rules/ideas). It was/is crazy and really sad.
WOW!!! I am so impressed with your presence of mind to say what you did!!! Awesome job!!! That woman had a power hungry thing going on and you were her target. That is horrible but, sadly, probably extremely common! And because brothers and sisters were kept apart from each other for such extended periods of time... of course we were dying to hug and hold and spend time with each other!!!
this is so sad! i remember when my brothers would visit me at Eagle Springs and our time together was so stilted. My students weren't allowed to talk to the guys, nor was I allowed to spend much time with them. we had to eat meals together at the big house (awkward), and i had to get special permission to say goodbye to them. granted, the guys were usually there to work and didn't have much down time, but the reason they got to come in the first place was because they had a sister there! mr. norvell was always good about letting them come if they were available. the small-mindedness and pettiness of IBLP is truly mind boggling.
Wow just found this site. Many of the stories fall in line with my current perception of the Institute needing a reality check.
At 16 my best friend and I were sent to Indiana for "Life Focus". This was because I was apparently a rebel who needed Godly direction from other young men. My friend had his birthday shortly after arriving in Indiana. As he was on another team, I slipped him a note wishing him happy birthday. It was seized and I was pulled into an office and accused of subverting authority and bypassing leaders. I was then banned from speaking or in any way contacting my friend during our stay.
Unfortunately, that was simply the start of a downhill experience. The rest of the course simply served to increase my callousness towards "leaders" while sharpening my ability to notice hypocrisy amongst leadership.
I was eventually banned from writing my sister after she sent a prank letter.
I know it's late to be posting this, but any other guys that want to share their "Life Focus" experiences, please speak up
Ouch! I never went to Life Focus, but I have heard stories.
Oh, and RG does take article submissions.
Aw, Wendy, that story breaks my heart.
When I read all these stories about living the "perfect gothard life" I am SO glad that God made me imperfect to the point of being what Gothard would call rebellious, abnormal and to the rest of the world--- just plain weird.
As I type this next to me are several cats (rescues) and am trying to move one cat out of the way that likes to lick the little fan I use to cool the pooter (really!). I am located in my messy art studio, (yes, I paint all sorts of art, realistic to abstract horses, cats and landscape scenes and actually sell it sometimes)
In the next room at his pooter is a very lazy couch potato husband of 37 years with piles of his stuff around him, and an window with a cat door in it, by which several cats can go to their little porch for some outside time...
btw, my husband can give the most holy hug to anybody and feel their pain. People in trouble have come and asked for that hug, not for advice or help, just for a hug.
To make things further suspect, I never wanted or had children, have a college degree for teaching. I have taught 27 years and teach art at publicc schools. All these things would elicit an "oh my gosh roll eyes, make no eye contact gather up the children and let's get out of here fast" response from Mr. Bill and his followers.
Does ATI have a place for rebellious older persons who could never comply or line up with BG teachings?
The author is divorced and proud of it - speaks volumes.
When asked why Moses allowed divorce Jesus answered because of their hard hearts. You likely did more damage to your sons by divorcing their father than any old perve holding a 17 year old girls hands did to them. The girls - creeped out. The boys - destroyed in ways you will probably never even realize let alone acknowledge. Why? Because of your hard heart.
Red- do you personally know the author and the circumstances of her divorce?
That's all you got out of this story? Straining at a gnat much? Esp when you don't know why she divorced? She may have a perfectly legitimate reason for her divorce that she does not care to share with cold people who will do nothing but judge her anyway.
Red, drawing unfounded conclusions without all the facts - speaks volumes ... must be a hard heart.
If I am reading you correctly, you are asserting with confidence that the girls mistreated by Bill Gothard would suffer very little (perhaps trivial) harm while the boys would not only be harmed but destroyed.
If a person believes, as I do, that abuse is often a learned behavior, then it is reasonable to believe that what would damage the boys more is to be stuck in an abusive situation. I can point to situations where the mom was determined to stay in an abusive marriage at all costs but then the boys went on to repeat the abusive behavior in their own homes as adults. Now those moms get to watch their grandkids suffer abusive and broken homes. oops. I don't know this author very well, but to the degree that I do know her, I believe her to be an awesome mom who is doing everything she can to raise her kids well.
I noticed that you picked up on the fact that the author is divorced, though I fail to see what that point has to do with the article. It is a fact in her bio. You claim that she is proud of it - that is a judgement on your part, and not a kind one. Not only do you judge, but you use your judgement to invalidate the story that is told. You sound like a bully when you do that.
Red,
It's a might thin pancake that only has one side. I wonder what the truth is about her ex-husband's behavior and attitude that would have caused her to take such a drastic step. Sometimes the abuse (emotional as well as physical) is of such a degree that the only way to protect herself is to separate.
In a Biblical (even Worldly) marriage, it's a husband's role to protect his wife and kids. It's a sad day when the person they need protection from (emotionally or physical) is their husband and dad.