Sometimes I wonder if I’m really living my life
Or if I’m just living what I’m supposed to be.
Am I really even a person? Is any of this true?
I lie awake at night and wonder who I am.
Are you just dying to know that
You’re not pretending,
Wondering if any of this is really you?

I think back over my day and wonder
Exactly how much of my smile is forced.
I run down the halls of my make-believe castle
And know that behind every door is an empty room.
If I scream at the dark, it only echoes back
Every else’s answers.
How much of my life am I really living?

Monsters in the closet and ghosts under my bed-
What is it that I’m really afraid of?
It’s all in my head. It’s all in your head.
And now there’s just no more pretending.
I am who I am,
And we can all just deal with it.
No more plastic laughter.

All that I’ve got left is the real thing.
Funny how frightening it is to ask yourself who you are.
Am I really afraid of my answer,
Or am I just scared to stop pretending?
Because this is really it.
No more masks to fall back on.
If I hit the wall – this is it.

I wrote this poem several years ago. I’m in a completely different place now, but every time I read it, I hear the echoes of what I was feeling when I needed to write it. It hurts a person to the core to have to ask questions to understand themselves. It hurt me more than I can describe. Everything I had thought and believed about myself was under siege by doubt and confusion. Everything I had been taught about God and life and the way I should view my place in it was no longer making a lot of sense to me. This poem marked a huge place in that conversation for me. It coincided with, and described, my understanding that I couldn’t maintain my precarious position any longer. I needed to find out what was real.

I decided that I could no longer accept things just because they were what I had known or what I had been taught. I couldn’t let the dissonance inside tear me apart any longer. I started asking myself so many questions. I had to know who I really was and what I really believed. A lot of the things I had accepted as truth my whole life had to be abandoned. And many things that formed my perception of myself had to be challenged and torn down. I had to start over, in many ways. And it hurt. A lot. Facing these doubts, fears, and pains was the most difficult thing I’d ever faced. It was also the most painful.

But, it was worth it. As much as that time in my life felt like it would never end, there was another side of it. I’m on the other side now. My life isn’t very similar to what it was before I tackled the big questions and fears, and it doesn’t look much like the lives of many others who have dealt with some of the same issues. But it is better. I am happy. My life is fulfilling. I feel like I have a place, and that I understand it. Sure, sometimes I have to sit and look at myself and reconsider where my life is and where it is going. Sometimes things are difficult. But, without a doubt, my life is so much better now. I don’t have to live under the constant pressure of my doubts and the struggle to be someone that I no longer believe in.

I firmly believe that when we truly face those fears and questions, and we give the truest, most genuine part of ourselves, we always come out feeling much more . . . real. Those times of pain and confusion don’t last forever. There is another side. And it is beautiful. Despite the new struggles and hurts that we might be faced with, it is so much easier, because there is a deeper understanding of who we really are. When we have the courage to stop pretending and discover ourselves, most of those bone-chilling, earth-shattering fears fade to a dim memory. I hope that we all can search ourselves and ask the questions we fear, knowing that on the other side of the truth we find, there is beauty and inner rest. I hope I never again shy away from facing the inconsistencies and anything that is not genuine inside myself. It hurts. But it is worth it.