Questioning God

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Questioning God

6 August 2011, 02:11

God, I know the Bible says you are good. But I need to experience it for myself! God, if you are good, show me!

This was my prayer over eight years ago. After working at the Institute in Basic Life Principles headquarters office for four years, I was preparing to return home. I didn’t know what lay ahead for me. I felt that God was holding out on me by not giving me clear direction on what the next step was.

I’d spent a lot of time agonizing over what I should do next: What was my ministry supposed to be? What was my life purpose? I’d been through several seminars and courses on the topic. I followed all the steps, filled in all the blanks, and earnestly prayed over it countless times. And yet, nothing. As I reflect back now, I think my question wasn’t so much “what should I do?” but rather “who should I be?” I wanted to know who I was supposed to become . . . Or maybe I thought I knew who I should become (some ideal propagated by the teachings of IBLP and ATI), but couldn’t figure out how to be that person.

I couldn’t understand why God wouldn’t show me, wouldn’t speak to me. I was willing. I was sincere. I was earnest. But it seemed regardless of how hard I tried or what I did, all doors seemed to close for me. I tried starting a girls’ Bible study, but it never really took off. I tried getting involved in ministries after I moved back home, but that fell through. Doors just seemed to slam in my face. I was so discouraged. I know I echoed that prayer a lot during those months, “God, if you are good, show me!”

Whenever I look back to the moment I first uttered those words, it seems like a challenge, almost a dare to God. I’m not sure how couth that is, but it was an honest expression from deep in my soul.

I think honesty is a vital step in healing. We’ve got to be honest with ourselves – about where we’re at, where we’ve been, and (possibly the scariest point) who we’ve been. As I reflect on the years in which I embraced the teachings of IBLP and Bill Gothard’s ATI program, my heart breaks when I remember how I focused on standards – a set of man’s rules – instead of seeing the needs of the people around me and extending to them the unconditional love of God. I still feel such shame for judging people by outward appearances (in the name of “discernment,” as we were taught and encouraged to practice by Mr. Gothard’s teachings). I am also hurt and embarrassed that I fell for all the lies. I was duped! And that is such a horrible feeling.

We also need to be honest with God. (This has, at least, been a vital step for me.) If he is an omniscient, Almighty being, he knows what we’re thinking anyway. Over the years, I’ve grown to be quite comfortable praying in a frank, sometimes blunt, manner. If I’m mad, I tell God. Sometimes I’m mad at circumstances, other times I may be mad at someone. Sometimes, I feel mad at God himself. I feel bad about feeling that way, but ignoring or denying it doesn’t change or resolve those feelings. As I go through seasons of searching, I tell God when I’m confused about what to believe or not believe.

I don’t know that it’s written anywhere that God wants for us to do this. But when I get gut-level honest with God, I am rarely left hanging. It may take time – even months. But when the answer comes, it is so clear and obvious to me.

God did answer my prayer. He showed me his goodness. And he has confirmed it time and time again. I won’t even try to list those instances. Some are rather personal. And really, I found the greatest goodness is simply to be confident and know – to have experienced for myself – God’s sweet, abundant goodness. And to have my eyes opened to seeing the countless expressions of his goodness in the world around me.

All articles on this site reflect the views of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of other Recovering Grace contributors or the leadership of the site. Students who have survived Gothardism tend to end up at a wide variety of places on the spiritual and theological spectrum, thus the diversity of opinions expressed on this website reflects that. For our official statement of beliefs, click here.

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Kevin August 8, 2011 Reply

Amanda, thanks for sharing this. I think your quest to find God and connect with him is a quest that many can relate to, whether from IBLP backgrounds or not. It's not at all an easy thing to get to a place of real honesty in prayer, but I agree that should always be our goal. Glad you posted this.
MatthewS August 9, 2011 Reply

"it was an honest expression from deep in my soul"

Wow, Amanda, that's a great line (and a great piece). It seems so obvious NOW that God wants and allows vulnerable honesty, including the kind where we don't know the end result, but "in the program" that sort of thing was discouraged. But what I wanted to say was how much this reminds me of expressions in the Psalms (such as Psalm 13 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+13&version=NIV) such as "How long, Lord?"

I think we do the psalm a disservice to imagine a pious person with no feeling muttering it in undertones. Rather, I see someone struggling, wrestling, as you say it: uttering an honest expression from deep in the soul. Psalm 13 ends with genuine praise. The irony: shutting down genuine questions unintentionally shuts down genuine praise in the end.

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