“You are the cream of the crop. The Marines on the front lines…”

These were words we heard often working for Bill Gothard at the Institute in Basic Life Principles.

Two months ago I made a comment to a friend that while I was sure of my salvation, I felt like I was no longer one of the “chosen.” I doubted that God would ever let me back in His “inner circle.”

I would love to write that I “get it” now, and that I have fully grasped God’s grace. But I can’t…YET. However, I can tell you how I got where I am.

I was raised in the Advanced Training Institute of America program (ATIA or ATI) for 14 years. As a parent now myself, I understand what drew my own parents and so many others to this program. I mean, who doesn’t want God’s best for their children? Who wouldn’t want to keep their child from pain that comes as a result of sin? As a child though, God’s best seemed to come in the form of rules and standards that I thought made me holy. I quickly learned that the way to please God was by my works.  I wanted the joy and shining eyes of the other students I saw who grew close to God by their commitments to Him. Sure, my salvation was by faith – but after that the burden of proof lay on me. This led to years of cyclic depression.

In my early 20’s I went to work at IBLP Headquarters (HQ). I quickly became disillusioned by the hypocrisy I saw: students that worked tirelessly were told not to record their overtime hours for pay…students getting sent home because they were overweight…families not accepted into the ATIA program because they were mixed race marriages…pictures doctored in newsletters to make them more in line with the stories being sold to families. I coped by trying to focus solely on the Seminar ministry since that was where I worked. I thought if I kept to that then at least I would be doing good for others since the Seminars were still okay in my mind.

Life moved on and so did I…or at least I tried. I married and had my first child. One day I decided to get out my Basic Seminar textbook. I sat on the floor of my living room and prayed “God, show me the truth.” I honestly was appalled at what I saw: scripture passages twisted and misappropriated with blanket applications for everyone. Slowly I began my journey away from works towards grace.

That was 9 years ago. Over those years God has led me baby step by baby step to where I am now. Those baby steps have included counseling, medicine, more counseling, Bible studies, friends who listen…and God himself picking me up and drawing me close. I had a friend tell me that regardless if something is “right” or “wrong” my feelings were real – he encouraged me to go to God with them. I’ve actually begged God to let me not believe in Him, because somehow that seemed less painful at times. But He won’t let me go.

Today, I am learning that the more honest I am about my doubts, fears, and sin, the more I catch glimpses of what grace really means and how deep it runs.  I don’t know that I can remember a time before this that I came to God spiritually naked, not trying to sew together fig leaves of self abasement. I feel more vulnerable than I ever have. In fact, it’s a daily choice to not revert back to the old life of works. I’m tempted sometimes to forgo this journey to healing because it contains pain. But then, I catch glimpses of the old me – repressed for years by legalistic works and by what others thought I should be –  and I cling to hope that He is not finished with me yet.